The Dangers of the Job
by lilrenthefox
Summary: Set before the hospital shooting, how I think Clark would've gone about getting his revenge on Derek.  He's too smart a man to go after him in public like that...serious fic, angst, cussing, gore, may put some mature content in but I'll change to M...R/R!
1. The Attack

AN: this is how i think clark would've gone about getting revenge on derek, he's too intelligent to go after him in a hospital i mean COME ON SERIOUSLY?

DC: don't own any GA chars

Dangers of the Job

Ch 1: The Accident

He was so tired that he almost staggered inside the convenience store to pay for his gas, such a long day and an even longer night. Face red, eyes swollen, hair a mess, Derek Sheppard put a twenty on the counter and somehow managed to keep himself from tearing up as the clerk handed him the receipt. He was the only car in the gas station so it was pretty obvious which pump to put the money on, he silently thanked God he didn't have to try and speak to the woman behind that register.

He was almost numb as he popped his gas cap and began filling up, the day's surgery flashed through his mind violently. Even though he knew it was useless he put a hand to his forehead and rubbed above his eyebrows, there was no way to shake the sound of that flat-line. Even though he'd warned the patient and the family they'd pushed for the surgery, the Chief wasn't exactly helping as he was desperate for the publicity and not to mention the money. The nozzle clicked off and interrupted his thoughts, he could barely see as he fumbled for his car keys. The overhead lights in the gas station shut off and the emergency night lights flickered on inside the store. She had been so full of life until he got her on the table, he threw his jacket on the passenger seat and put his head on the steering wheel. Finally alone and in the darkness, he faced the memory.

The door handle popped open and before he could react someone had grabbed his shirt and was jerking him out of the car. His head hit the fuel pump with a thud and the car door slammed shut.

"You killed her, you bastard," the voice was filled with hatred and pain.

Derek vaguely recognized the voice but couldn't place it, he put a hand on the ground and got to his knees. His head pulsed," Who's there?" he asked as he wiped his eyes.

"You're a damned murderer…" the assailant drew a deep breath and his foot caught Derek below the jaw. He landed on his back and tasted the sharp metallic taste of blood," you killed her and got away with it," a kick landed at the bottom of Derek's ribs and made a sick crackling sound.

"I…promise…I…" Derek gasped for breath as he rolled onto his side and clutched his chest, coughing.

"You…killed…her," each word was sounded out maliciously and followed by harsh kicks," I trusted you," the voice began to shake," SHE trusted you."

His entire body hurt, he could tell that at least two of the ribs on his left side were broken and he needed help fast. Every time he opened his mouth to try and reason with the attacker he was rewarded with another blow. He heard the man walking around him and talking to himself as if wondering what to do next and took the opportunity to try for his cell phone, painfully he patted his pockets only to remember the phone was in the car. Panic rose in his throat and he grabbed the door handle of his car to help him stand. He tried to move slowly so he wouldn't disturb the other man's thoughts or rambling, but when he saw Derek had the door almost halfway open it only infuriated him more.

He tried to move as the man rushed him and almost succeeded when the door and his adversary's full weight pinned his shoulder between the other man and freedom," You don't get to cop out of this one," for the first time, light shown on his attacker's face.

"Mr. Clark?" Derek rasped in shock.

"Shut up! You've said enough today!" Clark reached into his coat and pulled a switchblade," it's my turn to talk and I've made damned sure you're gonna listen real good."


	2. The Rush

So, I'm in medical school myself and I know what you're gonna be thinking when you read this chapter "wtf is thorazine and secobarbital and what do they do?"

Thorazine is a sedative given to psychotic patients who act out to keep them from hurting someone, it's side effects include dizziness, disorientation, slow heart rate, labored/difficulty breathing, anxiety, increased sensations especially nerve receptors that target pain senses, and lethargy or inhibition of reflexes and reaction time.

Secobarbital is also a type of sedative in the same basic category except it will weaken the body and sharpen the mind and causes impaired motor functions/coordination/balance, dizziness, anxiety, headache, sever nausea/vomiting, headache, increased sensitivity to pain.

Mixing the two drugs above is VERY BAD! and should NEVER be done! if another sedative were to be given with them it has a high risk factor of fatality by slowing the breath rate and heart rate to 0, in other words the patient would flatline.

Okay, enough medical jargan...

Ch 2: The Rush

When you ask someone why they became a doctor the answers are usually the same, the rush, the adrenaline that runs like liquid fire through your veins when you make that first cut, the high you get when you see that limb you've reattached turn pink or that heart that was diseased and killing your patient get replaced and you get to feel that first contraction, that first beat of life. Some say they do it for glory, the feeling of playing God, holding someone's life in your hands, hearing the beep of the monitors becomes like a lullaby instead of an annoyance.

Derek's mind woke before his senses began to function, at first he wondered where he was. He felt cold hard concrete beneath him through the thin material of his button down, but was somehow soaking wet. The sun was just peeking through the trees and hadn't yet come all the way into view,' I was getting gas, was it raining? Have I been here all night?,' he thought to himself,' I had gotten back into my car…' terror washed over him as he remembered the attack,' it hasn't rained,' he gently tried to pick up his head,' I'm not wet, I'm bleeding…'

Footsteps, his eyes were closed but he heard the footsteps clearly and winced they were so loud,' Mer?' his thoughts were sluggish. There was a hand on his back, shaking him and someone was talking but he couldn't comprehend their words. Then someone screamed, a high pitched squeal of a scream and then a thud on the ground next to him.

"Hey buddy, I called an ambulance for you," the voice was right next to his ear," just hang in there you're gonna be okay."

'Is that supposed to make me feel better?' Derek would have laughed if he thought he had the strength, the irony of the situation. Why did people think if they called an ambulance every thing would be fine? Paramedics weren't God, nor were doctors in the hospital they'd no doubt be taking him to.

The siren's blare was deafening as the ambulance sped into the gas station, the doors popped open and Derek heard three sets of feet hit the concrete," Hey man, how're you feeling?" understatement of the year would have been "not so good" if he thought he could've gotten the words out. The EMT's began opening duffle bags and snapping on gloves, the next half hour was a blur from the ground to the spine board to the ambulance. Different faces hovered in and out of his vision as the paramedics poked and prodded," We're losing him, push 10 of epi and hang some fluids…" Derek's eyes grew heavy," Stay with us, you're gonna be okay. What's your name?"

"Wait he…he gave me something," his voice sounded distant and weak even to him," I'm Derek."

"Okay Derek, what do you do for a living?" the paramedic was young and his eyes were wide and scared.

"I'm a…a doctor, he gave me something," he licked his lips and tasted more blood.

"You're gonna be fine Derek," the paramedic seemed to ignore his previous statement," we're gonna take care of you."

" I know what you're trying to do," his throat burned with every word," I'm not okay, and the fact you're…" Derek tried to catch his breath," asking me questions proves that."

"No, you really will be all right," the young man was shaking," I'm not lying."

Derek was losing grip and about to pass out," One tip," he grabbed the paramedic's shirt and pulled him a bit closer so the others wouldn't hear," learn to lie a bit better," and with that Derek's vision faded and everything went black.

"Maybe McDreamy passed out in one of the on-call rooms or in his car somewhere while getting gas, either way I have a triple bi-pass in like an hour and I get to do it unsupervised and SOLO!" Christina Yang crunched on her potato chips and was practically bouncing up and down in her seat," It's been almost a week since I've held a heart!"

"But what if Derek's been hurt? What if he's speeding again and he hit someone? What if…"

"Okay, you know I don't do the 'what if' thing, Mer, so don't start it and ruin my good day and my happy feelings coming from my solo surgery, did I mention it's a triple bi-pass?"

"Yes you did," Meredith chewed her lip nervously," yeah but if he fell asleep in a corner of the hospital I'm going to kill him! I haven't been by his office today, I'll bet he fell asleep doing paperwork…again."

"Yeah men are just that dumb sometimes, I think all their blood goes to their pants instead of their brains."

Derek woke suddenly as his body jolted and tried to sit up, the restraints across his chest and stomach inhibited him of getting very far but seemed to do well in sending sharp pains through his chest," Welcome back," the young paramedic's face came into vision again, smiling like he'd won the lottery," we're almost there, another like 5 or 6 minutes. I toldya you'd be okay didn't I?" all Derek could manage was a nod and a sigh of relief," okay he's back, hang some fluids and push 50 of morphine, let's get him feeling a bit better so the…" the voice faded as the name of that drug came to him.

Flashback

Clark's weight pressed on the car door and threatened to crush his shoulder, the blade of the knife shown in the moonlight as it shot out of it's sheath. Derek closed his eyes and swallowed hard, cold steel pressed firmly against his throat,' Is this it?' terror ran through him, momentarily letting him forget his aching shoulder,' he's going to slit my throat and watch me bleed out,' sometimes he hated being a doctor as images of exactly which veins and arteries Clark could sever from this position. He could almost feel his veins burst beneath the blade his heart was pounding so hard,' Blood pressure is up, heart rate increasing, if he cuts me now it'll only take about three minutes for me to completely bleed out instead of five to seven; I'll drown in my own blood if I don't crash fast enough…'

"Oh, I'm not killing you yet," Clark's voice sounded excited," no Sheppard, I'm not that merciful. In fact, I had a friend mix up a little cocktail for you," Derek the pressure shift from one end of the blade to the other as Clark fished something out of the inside pocket of his coat," You might call this Thorazine and Secobarbital, but that wouldn't be right," terror washed over Derek and his entire body went cold, Clark had a syringe filled as full as it would allow," but my friend calls this the 'Zombie's Cocktail' I thought about a Morphine and Epinephrine mix but the Morphine would block out most of your pain receptors and you might pass out on me," he tried pushing on the car door, desperately trying to get away or at least inside the car so he could get away. Clark dug the blade into his jugular," if you don't hold still I can still cut you to ribbons," to prove this Clark drew the knife to Sheppard's earlobe and down the side of his neck to his shoulder leaving a small trail of blood as it went," You're going to wish you'd never picked that scalpel up," Derek jerked as the needle stung his neck," as a matter of fact, you're going to wish you'd never went to med school."

End flashback

"NO!" Derek gasped," no morphine," he knew his voice was shaking, the paramedic looked confused," I told you, he…he gave me something…"

"Okay man, we'll make sure we get whatever it was out of your car, just calm down…" as the paramedic spoke, he had positioned a restraint over Derek's left arm and pulled it tight, the needle pierced his forearm and the EMT pushed the Morphine.

With his free hand, Sheppard grabbed the paramedic's shirt and made sure he got a good look at his nametag," I told you…not to give me Morphine…"

"Why not?"

"Because, the man who attacked me shot me up with Thorazine and Secobarbital…" his chest tightened," with the biggest syringe I've ever seen," his breath was slowing down and heart rate going up," I told you I was a doctor, Ronnie…and you may…have…just…" Derek's body shuddered," you may have just killed me…"

AN: What'd you think? Should this be a MerDer story or should I grab another random char/OC who isn't so MarySuish and so frickin' annoying? Lemme know in your reviews bcuz Derek eventually has to make it to the hospital...


	3. Losing Touch

You asked, I updated...

Sorry it's taken me so long, as I've said I'm in med school so there may only be a chapter a week but this story WILL BE FINISHED! If I happen to break out into medical jargin just review and ask what something means or look it up on google and I apologize in advance.

Enjoy!

Ch 3: Losing Touch

Owen's lips brushed over Yang's hungrily as the door to the on-call room clicked shut, their clothes scattered around the floor of the bunk. Yang pushed Hunt firmly on the mattress and ran her hands through his hair and trailed them down his chest towards his stomach.

Owen pulled the clip from Christina's hair and let it fall over his face as she kissed his chest, his hands gripped her hips firmly and a small sigh escaped her lips," Eventually someone's going to catch us, you know."

"Shut up," Yang grabbed the strings on the waistband of his pants in her teeth and pulled slightly," Unless you want me to stop," she buried her face in his stomach and hinted at things to come.

"I didn't say that," Owen grabbed a handful of the sheets.

"Then hush," a mischievous smile playing on the corners of her mouth. Hunt let out a breath and relaxed, her lips were magic and sent fire through his being.

The beeping of pagers interrupted his ecstasy and he fumbled on the dresser and grabbed both of the pagers," Both of them are going off," he growled in frustration.

"Both?" Yang moved as Owen sat up and grabbed his clothes.

"Yeah, and they're both emergency stat pages to the trauma ward."

"Is this gonna cut in on my triple bi-pass?" Christina shoved her foot in her scrub pants angrily.

"The patient's one of ours," Hunt looked worried.

"But why would anyone assign me to a patient when I have a…"

"No, Christina, I meant it's someone on our team. Someone's been in an accident."

Yang and Hunt dressed in full PPE (personal protective equipment) as fast as they could and were still tying the knots on the backs of their yellow gowns when the ambulance pulled up outside. The doors popped open and a young paramedic jumped out with a chart," I'm so sorry, I didn't think…'

"Shut up Ronnie!" another paramedic, an older woman pulled the gurney out of the back of the vehicle," you're probably going to need an OR, I'd request one now if I were you. Caucasian male, severe head trauma, possible brain contusion, multiple stab wounds, dislocated right shoulder," Christina was almost giddy until she reached the head of the gurney," possible drug overdose, broken ribs, decreased vitals we lost him twice on the way over here. He's barely stable, need to hang some blood too, he's a bleeder."

"Wait," Hunt looked at the EMT," drug overdose? Derek Shepherd…on drugs?"

"He said his attacker sedated him with Thorazine and Secobarbital, the paramedic tending to him pushed 50 of morphine before he knew," the woman was trotting behind Yang as they ran down the hall.

"He..he wouldn't listen," Derek's lips had turned blue and his eyes were hazy," I tried to…tell him."

"Don't worry Shepherd, we can fix this," Hunt reassured him," I've seen guys worse off and I had next to nothing to fix them and they still pulled through."

"Okay, move him," Yang grabbed the sheet under him and counted," 1, 2, 3, Derek did he hit anything vital?" Derek tried to speak but mumbled and slurred something Christina couldn't understand," Hang some blood. Derek, stay awake, how big was the syringe? 10ml, 20, 1000?"

"We're losing him," Hunt grabbed the crash cart out of the corner," we've gotta get his BP up or he's gonna go into v-fib. Okay Derek, I'm gonna take a look at you," Owen moved the gauze and started cutting away the blood-soaked shirt," just hang in there."

Derek turned his head to the side and coughed," Where's Meredith?" his voice almost a whisper.

"She's down in the clinic, do you want me to page her?" Christina asked.

"No," Derek grabbed her lab coat," I don't want her seeing me like this," he coughed again and tasted blood," don't let her in here."

"Okay, I'll try and keep her out of here but you know it's almost impossible," Yang pulled out her pen light and shone it in each of Shepherd's eyes," they're glassy, I need a CT and a full neuro work up."

"Page Sloan, we need plastics too, tell him to meet us in the OR I can't get a clear look at where the bleeder is…"

The room swam and the faces became blurs, Derek actually felt his heart slowing down and gasped for more air to compensate,' This is it,' he thought as the edges of the room grew fuzzy and black,' I always thought death didn't hurt, it's not supposed to; my body should be shutting down its pain receptors and my nervous system starting with the sacral nerves, yet somehow I can still feel…everything.'

Halfway to the OR, the heart monitor attached to Shepherd's chest began beeping as if annoyed by the fact there was something to beep about," V-fib! Let's move, get some epi 50mg keep him up!" Yang grabbed de-fib paddles," Push that epi NOW!"

"It's in," Hunt unscrewed the syringe from the IV.

Yang silently counted 5 seconds, nothing," Ok, charge to 150," Hunt nodded," Clear!" Derek's body jerked as the paddles sent shockwaves through him. Yang counted to 5 again," Charge to 200, clear!" Yang counted, 1, 2, 3...

-Beep!-

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief," We're not outta the woods yet," Hunt ran ahead and grabbed an elevator," Get him to that OR!"

Derek's eyes flickered open and he was suddenly dizzy, all he could see was the flash of the fluorescent ceiling lights," Where…?" was all he could manage as a wave of nausea swept over him.

"We're going to an OR, just stay with us."

The elevator ride seemed to last hours rather than just minutes, Derek's labored breathing began to worry those inside and Christina and Hunt exchanged a grim glance," I paged Sloan, he should be in the OR soon after we are," Owen broke the silence. The doors clicked open and a surgical team were waiting, Owen and Christina started scrubbing in as the team prepped Shepherd.

"You think we can fix this?" Yang looked anxiously at her love.

"Well, it's fixable if we could put him under," Owen wiped his hands and arms with a towel," but remember, he's already got so many sedatives in him it'd be dangerous."

"So an epidural?" Christina suggested.

"Most of the lacerations are on his chest, arms, and back; we're gonna have to deal with locals and maybe try a higher epidural if he can't take it."

"Higher epidural?" the door slid open with a whoosh as the two stepped into the OR.

"Yeah, around the cerebellum and the cerebral cortex," Yang's eyes widened," it's risky but it's our only shot; just gotta see how bad it when I open him up."

Owen stood where Derek could clearly see his face," You hanging in there?" Shepherd nodded," Okay, you have too many sedatives from that cocktail in you to be put completely under so we're gonna use locals," Derek shut his eyes as if he could shut out the world," Hey, you're gonna be fine, we just won't use them unless we need to, everything will run the same just limited anesthesia and you'll be awake to tell us how you're doin.'

'I might wish I was dead at this point,' Derek was on the verge of panic when Hunt disappeared.

Christina grabbed bandage shears and cut through the belt and down the side of Derek's pants," There's something here," she cut the other leg and pulled them from beneath him," I gotta laceration to left thigh, looks deep, give me some Lidocaine," Derek was in too much pain to even feel violated," I can stitch this up after it's cleaned, it's not bad,"

The edges of his vision began to grow dark and blurry again," Derek!" Sloan's voice snapped him back to reality," Derek, by God what happened?"

"Gary….Clark…" he coughed blood again.

"Keep him conscious," Yang's voice rose above the others.

"How…how am I lookin?"

"No lie man, you're not lookin' too good, but Hunt's gonna get you outta this," Sloan pulled a pen light out of his pocket and shone it in Shepherd's eyes one at a time," you stay with us, even if a hot angel comes outta that light, you hear me?"

"Okay," Derek managed a slight snicker.

Owen was wrist deep inside a stab wound that was too close to Shepherd's periosteum* for comfort," It's punctured something, there's a lot of blood, I need another set of hands here!"

Sloan stepped out of Derek's view to help Hunt," Hold this retractor I'm suturing the periosteum where it's torn," Hunt handed Sloan the retractors," I've got this area pretty numb, Derek how you feelin?" Derek nodded slightly, but his eyes were about to drift closed.

"Damn it, his shoulder's bleeding again," Yang stepped away from his thigh to the nastier laceration on the left shoulder," Suction, I can't see a thing," the nurse handed her a suction tube. Yang put two fingers barely inside the wound and spread it apart enough to get the nozzle inside. Derek jerked a bit and winced," I know I'm sorry, I'm trying to be fast."

"I'm…okay…" his voice sounded choked.

"His heart rate's way too high, if we keep him in surgery for much longer he's gonna go into v-tach it's just too much stress. He can't handle much more," Hunt had finished the internal sutures and started removing the packing from a puncture around his ribs. The second he touched it, Derek jolted and Yang's suction tube and scalpel she was using to cut away dead tissue went straight through him and hit the table," Keep him still!" Hunt barked.

"We have a problem," Yang grabbed Sloan," Listen, your new job as of now is to keep him from moving and this," she pointed to the scalpel and suction literally stuck in between the scapula and clavicle in Derek's shoulder," from happening, I don't care if you have to actually hold him down, I can't work like this!"

Derek heard screaming and suddenly realized he was the one doing it, his body burned and even Sloan's hands on his shoulder and arm felt like knives stabbing through him, he began drifting in and out, still wrought with agony. His chest grew tight and he felt like he couldn't breath, his mind raced as his body screamed and his lungs burned for air. His heart felt like it would burst through his ribcage at any second. Suddenly he was unaware of where he was, there were hands holding him down and people shouting. All he could see was lights and Gary Clark standing over him with that knife…

* * *

Periosteum- the sac inside your stomach that holds your entrails together, tearing this is like tearribad! lol i made a joke!

Ok, so I've done a pretty good job of beating the hell outta Derek, now I wanna know who we want to see him with...Meredith or someone else? R&R please! Send me some suggestions for pairings!


	4. Fight for your Life

The document didn't load right the last time, sorry...here ya go!

* * *

==Flashback==

Derek rolled onto his stomach and started crawling towards his car again, it seemed such a short distance a few minutes ago. His chest hurt like hell from Clark's kicks and the ribs he was sure were broken were really slowing him down,' If I can just get to my phone,' his lungs burned for air yet his vision wasn't blurred,' why couldn't he be one of the stupid ones who'd just hit me with thorazine?' his thoughts were interrupted as Clark stomped square between his shoulder blades, he collapsed to the concrete and coughed blood.

==End Flashback==

Sloan felt like he was fighting a losing battle as he struggled to keep Derek still," Look... either we're gonna need more hands," he looked around," which I don't think he'd want, or we can grab some restraints because let's face it, the locals are *not* working," Sloan looked around the room, no one was moving," I'm now his doctor and I say grab some damn restraints, he's tearing through muscle let's move it!"

Yang gripped the scalpel and suction tube firmly and counted," 1, 2, 3..." she pulled upward gently and met resistance, as well as getting a sharp breath from the now almost unconscious Sheppherd," It's stuck between the clavicle and the scapula, suction the blood and get me some retractors," once the blood was suctioned away, Christina pushed a finger between the scalpel handle and the suction tube," the suction will give, the metal won't," clamping off the suction tube with her finger, she wiggled the scalpel sideways and as genlty as possible pulled," It won't budge, if I move it it's going to cut straight through the top of his pectoris major and possibly more of his trapezius."

"Here," Hunt moved her aside and picked up a pair of scissors off the cart," turn him over and pull it through the other way, less damage and no resistance," he cut the suction's line and handed it to Sloan," grab a nurse and get us a new suction tubing line," Hunt unfastened the restraint and turned Derek over," hurry not only is he heavy, but he's not gonna like this," Sloan grabbed Sheppherd's hip and steadied Hunt's grip," Be careful of the scalpel blade."

Yang gingerly put her finger to the wound, hoping to find the dull edge of the scalpel. She closed her eyes and closed her fingers," I got the base of the blade," she sighed with relief and grabbed the suction tubing with the other hand," Okay, it's coming out."

Derek could hear the panic in Hunt and Yang's voices but couldn't respond to them or ask them what was going on, something was wrong, really wrong. His muscles spasmed and his head was fuzzy; the light above him was moving and seemed to change shapes,' Must be the thorazine,' dark shapes swirled around the edges of his vision and a wave of nausea hit his throat. Everything seemed to be slowing down, he could no longer recognize the faces around him, when he could see them at all. Flashes of Clark and the ambulance ride and blood blasted through his thoughts no matter how hard he tried to keep them at bay,' Silk,' he thought,' my shirt was silk, why am I thinking about silk shirts when I could be dying?'

Derek noticed that the lines around the edges of his vision were no longer lines but were now taking on some sort of form,'I'm hallucinating,' he said in his mind,' it's just the drugs, I'm safe,' fear welled in the pit of his stomach,' Hunt and Yang are taking care of me, everything's going to be fine,' as Yang pulled on the scalpel, the adrenaline reaction to pain transformed his calm to chaos. Suddenly he realized he couldn't move, someone or something was holding him down...hard. Yang, Hunt and Sloan's features changed as did their skin color, and the entire room,'I'm losing it, this isn't real, this can't be real, this can't be real, this cant be real...'

"Derek! It's ok, calm down no one is here to hurt you," Sloan had a hand on Sheppherd's chest trying to avoid the multiple punctures and steri-strips that were barely keeping his wounds closed," He's going into shock do something!"

"He's not going into shock, he's hallucinating off the thorazine, we have to get him sedated or he's going to end up tearing through what little we've been able to keep him still enough to stitch."

"How will sedating him work all we'd be doing was taking a chance of overdosing him!"

"Well anyone else have any good ideas? Sloan I say hold him down and let me finish, his wrists are restrained already so no risk of him falling off the table or tearing loose an IV, go get some leg restraints so he cant kick me and I'm finishing this up," Yang put her hand on top of Sloan's on Derek's chest," if you want him to live go get those restraints and sign the order after we get out of here and get him stabilized."

Derek was in his own personal hell, his coworkers and friends had now turned into the men at that convenience store who murdered his father. He struggled against what he thought was one of them holding him back while the others beat his father, tears streaked down the sides of his face and formed small puddles around his earlobes on the OR table. He screamed at them like he'd done as a child, begging them to stop, threatening to kill them and reverting to begging again when his fathers gaze met his own. His father was dead, the man holding him hit him in the stomach, and ran away leaving him crumpled on the floor next to his father sobbing.

Sloan was about to crack," I don't know how much more of this I can take," he leaned against a nearby table, his tears making small *plunks* on the metal below.

"Do you want anyone else seeing him like this?" Hunt called above the noise," I'm not sure what he's seeing but I know if it was me I'd still want Christina working on me instead of a stranger."

The door whooshed open and everyone froze, the only noise in the room was Derek's cries. Dr. Weber and Dr. Grey had found them...


	5. If You Want to Get Out Alive

Chapter 5: If You Want to Get Out Alive

"These locals aren't going to cut it! Get me some Narcan right now!" Hunt was getting desperate, he didn't know how much longer he could keep this up with Derek's condition, he looked up to see everyone just standing still eyes wide looking behind him," Move it! He's unstable and suffering!" Sloan finally pushed the call button to the nurses' station to page for Narcan.

"What the…?" Dr. Weber was already in full PPE's (personal protective equiment) and gloved, Meredith was standing in the doorway looking white," What happened?"

"Who is that? Why aren't they under?"

"Dr. Weber get her out of here," Christina motioned towards Meredith," she's not even scrubbed in and he's open."

"Derek?" Meredith suddenly seemed to realize who was on the table, Dr. Weber caught her against his chest as she lunged for the table.

"You're not scrubbed in, you'll contaminate things," Meredith screamed and beat her fists against Dr. Weber's body anywhere she could get to," Come on, I have to get you out of here, it's policy."

"DEREK!" she shrieked as tears ran down her face," You can't die! You can't…" the door whooshed closed.

Hunt knew the hell that flashbacks brought, he was desperate to get Derek sedated so he would stop screaming. It made it hard to think but harder to continue operating on someone who was begging you to stop even though Owen knew he was doing was going to save Shepherd's life," Derek!" he called," Can you hear me?"

Derek was falling, his body jolted as he hit the water," Meredith?" he saw his love next to him underwater, sinking with him," Meredith, swim!" he strained to reach for her,' Wait, this isn't real, this isn't real, she's alive…' he began to surface with her holding onto him,' that's right, this isn't…' her face was blue and she was cold, eyes closed and limbs limp," Meredith wake up," someone was grabbing him, someone was pulling him away from her. Hands that were so strong they hurt, he fought, yelled, tried desperately to get back to her," I can save her! What are you doing? Nooo!"

"Sloan, what's the ETA on that Narcan?" Hunt called over all the noise.

"Derek!" Yang was holding his head to the side while Sloan was kneeling in the floor with an arm around his chest and shoulders trying his hardest and using every ounce of strength in him to keep him still enough for Hunt to finish closing the now gaping fissure in Shepherd's shoulder," Derek, it's Yang, listen none of that is real…"

"We don't have any, Yang let him live in that world a bit; I think I'd rather be in a mental hell than experience surgery with no anesthesia."

"What do you mean we don't' have Narcan?" Hunt was furious at this point, a man he respected, a man he'd lay his license and his life on the line for was not only being restrained and suffering but would also be humiliated if he remembered even a minute of what happened after the drugs wore off," What did a horde of overdosed teenagers come in last night from a rave?"

"Don't lose it, he's getting stronger if that's possible, close up that shoulder!" Sloan almost had his full weight on Derek's chest trying to hold him still and blood was trickling from the table down his arm, all over his scrubs, and dripping on the floor with a little plinking sound that Sloan was sure he'd have to be crazy to actually be hearing above the chaos.

==Flashback==

Her body landed on the concrete with a thump, lifeless and blue, there was still hope though. His body ached and his lungs burned, with his remaining strength and the adrenaline coursing through his veins he threw her over his shoulder and ran for the nearest emergency station," She needs help," his voice was shaky and cracked, the man shook his head and pointed to a priority tag," NOW! She's a doctor here!"

==End Flashback==

"Shoulder's closed up, Yang start suturing the lacerations on his right side, I'll take the left," Hunt pulled open the suture packet. Derek lay trembling on the table, his body burned with fever, sweat mixed with the blood formed small puddles underneath him and dripped onto the floor.

Sloan stepped into the scrub room to change gowns,' I'm soaked in sweat,' he thought to himself,' if I keep this up I'll be dehydrated in no time,' he passed by a mirror briefly on his way to the supply closet,' My God, that's not sweat,' he looked down at his gown in dis belief,' I'm covered in blood, how much has he lost?' he felt numb as he donned a new scrub gown and rescrubbed in.

"Sutures done on this side, moving to his leg," Yang had shut off all of her emotions and was now working as the cold clinical doctor she'd been turned into since Burk had walked out of her life. This side only came out in times of great stress as a defense mechanism and seeing Meredith's face when she'd seen her fiancé' like this was enough to send Yang into a mental breakdown. With her walls up around her she suctioned and sutured through the mess," We need Torres in here, his leg's broken," her voice was cold and clinical.

"Someone get a page in," Hunt turned to Sloan who was walking back towards the table," Page Torres for us, his leg's broken we need ortho," Sloan nodded and turned around.

"Derek, can you hear me?" Hunt turned his attention to the now silent Derek," he's in shock, finish up quick we'll get ortho later. We'll let her take a look but he can't handle anymore," close up we're finished here or he's going back into v-tach."

*Beep!* *Beep!*

The monitor sounded muffled and far away, his body was heavy and it seemed opening his eyes would be a chore. His lips felt dry and cracked, he tried to lick them but his tongue met with something solid, upon attempting to swallow to rid himself of the choking sensation he realized there was something in his throat. His eyes fluttered open slower than he'd have liked as he tried to move, his left arm was pinned to his side and a shockwave of pain shot through him as he struggled to sit up.

"Derek!" Yang sprang from her chair next to his bed, she put a hand on his chest," Calm down and be still, you went into shock and we intubated," Derek slumped back onto the pillows and tried to cough, his lungs burned and his breath was too shallow. Blackness threatened the sides of his vision," I'm taking it out, just hold still," Yang lowered the head of the bed and tilted his head back. His muscles spasmed and jerked as he fought to stay still," Okay, here we go," she pulled the tape off his cheek and begin gently removing the tube.

It was halfway out when his gag reflex kicked in, he felt bile rise in his throat as the tube passed his lips," You okay?" he closed his eyes as the room spun and shook his head, he rolled to his left side and vomited. He broke out in a cold sweat and collapsed on his arm, his shoulder screamed at him but he was out of energy. His vision cleared after a wave of dry heaves, he coughed and tasted blood.

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Sorry it took so long...hope it was all you expected!


	6. Defeat

So I'm working on the next chapter and there's a gut-wrenching twist coming up! So keep your eyes out for Ch 7: Deception!

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Chapter 6:Defeat

Yang repositioned Derek on his back and wiped his mouth," I'll get someone to clean that up," she pushed the call light on the wall, static on the other end and then a beep," Yeah, we need a bio-bag and a cleanup in here," Yang took some mouthwash out of the drawer by the bed and poured it into a nearby cup," this should take that taste out," she put a straw in it and held it to his lips.

Both his lips were cracked, his bottom one busted with interior sutures from what his tongue could feel, but the sting of the mouthwash was better than the taste of blood. He rinsed the minty liquid around his mouth and spat it into the cup," What..." he cleared his throat painfully," what happened?"

"Surgery was a success, although ortho will need to look at your leg since it's broken; and there are a few risks but..."

"Meredith, she was there," it was more a question than a statement.

"Yes, she's actually filling out all your paperwork for the police at the moment."

"Police?" it was all happening so fast he grew dizzy.

"Yes, they want a statement from you so they can catch this guy."

A knock on the door and a nurse popped in with a mop and bucket," Cleanup crew," she beamed at Yang," How are you feeling Dr. Shepherd?"

"Fine," he coughed and again tasted blood,' as if the smell of it wasn't bad enough,' he thought miserably," I'm sorry...I..."

"It's the after effects of the drugs Dr. Shepherd, we're all just thankful you're still with us," the nurse put her hand on his and smiled warmly.

"There's blood in it," he turned to Yang.

"Excuse me?" she looked up from the chart confused.

"There's blood in it," speaking was becoming a true effort.

"Oh, in the-er yeah, you had a rupture in your periosteum and several stab wounds and lacerations to the chest, you might have blood in your emesis (vomit), urine, stool, and spit for a little while. It's normal."

The nurse bagged up the mop's head," I hope you feel better, Dr. Shepherd," she turned to Yang," Dr. Yang, the police and Dr. Grey are waiting outside they said for me to tell you."

"Okay, send them in when you leave," Yang hung the chart on the end of the bed," The police want a statement from you, are you awake enough?"

"I think," Derek knew he was not well at all, his head was foggy and fuzzy and he was in so much pain he was sure he should be dead.

"I'll be back then."

Yang closed the door to Shepherd's room behind her, Meredith and the police were almost standing on top of her when she looked up," I don't think he's conscious enough for a statement yet, maybe we should let the drugs wear off before we..."

"Dr. Yang we need this while his memory is still fresh," the officer pushed her aside and opened the door.

Derek took advantage of his solitude, with his free hand he lifted the sheet, bloody bandages covered his chest and stomach,' I'm still bleeding,' he reached for his call light and found it had a small blue dragonfly on top of it. He tried swishing it away but it didn't budge,' even the dragonfly isn't afraid of me,' he tried again and this time the dragonfly grew larger and opened its mouth to reveal teeth which he tried to bite Derek's finger with,' I'm hallucinating again,' Derek grabbed for the call light and the dragonfly picked it up and flew around the room with it,' Yang come back,' the dragonfly was morphing into something bigger and the edges of his vision were growing blurred and dark. The room spun and he shut his eyes tight,' This isn't real, this isn't real,' his chest tightened and he coughed into his hand,' more blood, where the hell is Yang?' when his eyes focused he was back at the gas station, the florescents over head had turned into the emergency lights on the store's overhang. He could see all around him but was in no control of his body, he put the nozzle back on the pump's rack and got in his car. A cold sweat ran over his body and a wave of terror was chasing its heels, he knew at any second that car door would open and the nightmare would begin again.

Detective Romerro was growing impatient, all he'd wanted to do was serve this lowlife and move on; however this Dr. Yang was standing in his way and annoying him, as attractive as she was he grew more and more agitated," Listen Dr. Yang, I have to talk to this guy or I can't go home. I don't care if he's higher than a hippie in a helicopter as long as I have a witness and Mrs. Grey here," he pointed," is more than enough," he moved Yang out of the way and opened the door. Romerro pulled out his notepad and paperwork," Derek Shepherd, you have..." the drug addict in question was laying on his side back facing the detective and trembling,' Probly detoxing, damned dopeheads,' he walked towards the bed and continued reading," you have an opportunity to give your statement to the Seattle Police Department and..." he paused when he heard a choking sound coming from the bed," Turn him over so I can get this done," he poked Yang who was already walking to the other side of the bed.

In Derek's mind Clark was crushing his shoulder in the car door, threatening him with the syringe of drugs. He felt weak and helpless but terrified all at once,' It's not real, he's not here,' his body screamed at him everytime he moved but he couldn't stop shaking,' It's the drugs, what if he's here? What if he comes back to finish me off, I can't even fight back!' Someone was holding him, he felt something soft under his neck and shoulders and the darkness slowly faded into reality again.

"Derek? Can you hear me?" a light was shining in his eye, he shook his head to get away from it," Derek?" suddenly everything was closing in and he couldn't breath, he jerked awake and bolted upright. Pain instantly shot through his back and his stomach turned, he coughed and more blood spattered his arm.

"Derek, it's okay," he recognized Meredith's voice but it seemed so very far away. Finally the hallucinations died down, his mind buzzed and his body trembled as Meredith stroked his hair.

"I'll be needing that statement now, Mr. Shepherd," Romerro tapped his pen on the clipboard's notepad," I take it you can't write?" Derek was barely able to concentrate on what was going on, he nodded slowly and even that smallest of movements made his body throb," Okay then, we'll get a recording and I'll make notes," the detective clicked on a recorder," Officer Romirro, the date is..."

Derek closed his eyes and swallowed, it was so hot he was sweating and he couldn't stop shaking. Meredith ran her finger over his shoulder, not noticing the bandage under his gown. Derek gasped and pulled away from her, she looked a bit hurt but he was sure there was a flash of anger in her eyes.

"Okay, Mr. Shepherd, what's your version of this?" Romerro held the recorder next to Derek's cheek.

"I got off work late," he licked his lips and swallowed hard," I went to get gas at Fast Track..."

"What time?" Romerro interrupted.

"Uh, maybe midnight?" he felt a bit light headed.

"Then what happened after you got gas?"

"I got back in my car, the store closed and the lights went out. My door opened and Clark pulled me out of the vehicle," Derek could hear the door open and feel himself being pulled from the car," he threw me into the pump, I hit my head and fell on the ground..."

"Why weren't you wearing a seatbelt?" Romerro interrupted again.

"What?" the question surprised Shepherd.

"I don't like repeating myself," Romerro grumbled under his breath," Why-weren't-you-wearing-a-seat-belt?" he sounded each letter sarcastically.

"I had just gotten in..."

"And you didn't see Mr. Clark approach you?"

"What? No, I didn't the lights were shut off," the edges of his vision were once again blurring,' I won't throw up in front of him, I can fight it,' he though to himself.

"Okay...continue," Romerro set his clipboard on the bedside table and scribbled something in it.

"After I hit the ground...he was talking to me, told me that I was a...a murderer..."

"There appears to be some truth to that," it was more a question than a statement.

"He started kicking me," Derek felt nausea sweep over him in a cold chill," then he began pacing and mumbling, so I tried to get back to the car, the concrete was cold," Derek felt the grit of the concrete beneath his fingers and gripped the sheets, a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face," the knife..." his anxiety rose and triggered adrenaline," drugs...needle..." his heartbeat was pounding in his head and suddenly everything was stiflingly hot," morphine...wouldn't listen..." he collapsed back onto the pillows and his vision tunneled," Dad...they...I couldn't..." a tear ran down his cheek.

"Derek?" Yang was already checking the monitors next to him," Derek if you can hear me..." she was cut off as he suddenly doubled over to the edge of the bed and vomited blood. Yang grabbed under his good arm and held him steady, she turned to the detective who was looking rather aggravated that there was now blood splattered on his suit," Go outside to the desk and get Sloan, tell them it's a code!"

Romerro clicked off his recorder," So when can I expect a..."

"SLOAN!" Yang yelled over him.

Seconds later, Mark appeared in the doorway," He okay?"

Yang motioned for him to come closer," Help me, we found some Narcan and we need to push it, it's outside on the nurse's cart."

"If we give him that, the sedatives and morphine are going to wear off awful fast," Sloan helped her lower the head of the bed and cradled Shepherd against his chest," Come on out of it, Derek," Yang saw Mark's eyes were red and swollen.

"Make...it...stop.." Derek choked on his words as he struggled to breath, it felt like Clark was stabbing him all over again. He saw the man kneeling over him and the gleam of the blade.

"I wish I could," Sloan rocked back and forth," You're gonna make it out of this," tears fell into Derek's hair," we're gonna make this go away."

"Sedate...me..."

"It could kill you, Dr. Shepherd," Yang put her hand on his," I'm going to try something that could help you though," she rushed out of the room.

"Derek, you know I'm sorry about Addie," Mark sobbed.

"Don't...I..I forgive you," Derek shivered again," I'm detoxing huh?"

"Yeah, we can't give you anything but Narcan and Tylenol."

"H-how much...longer?" Derek clenched his teeth.

"It's been almost 15 hours," Mark sighed," you've got another thirty three hours at least."

Derek used his remaining strength and his last lucid moment," Mark...if you're sorry...and if you care at all..." he grabbed Sloans shirt and pulled him closer," you'll...sedate the hell out of me..."

Meredith stormed down the hallway,' He gets in a scuffle with an ex-patient and everyone bows to him, but when I damn near drown I'm expected right back at work,' she was furious,' he pulls away from *me* but will let Yang change his bandages?' she couldn't stand another second in that room and had left immediately after Derek 'rejected' her touch. She wondered what everyone would say when they found out she was carrying a smaller version of him inside her womb. She saw the detective coming down the stairs not looking any more excited about this situation than she was," You finished with him?" she asked Romirro.

"He clammed up, drugs got ahold of him and he started detoxing on the spot," he pushed the double doors open and stepped outside," you know what he OD'd on?" Meredith shook her head," Me either but he started coughing up blood and screaming," he pulled out a cigarette," guy's nine kinds of fucked up."

"Coughing blood?" Meredith thought about how he looked when she'd left the room," How bad was his attack?"

"He was in surgery for a good 7 hours," the detective began walking to his car," Although I have a job to finish whether he's lucid or not."

"SEVEN HOURS!" Meredith pulled Hunt out of the on-call room's bunk," You had him in surgery, MAJOR SURGERY, for SEVER HOURS and didn't think I'd need to know?"

Hunt reacted before he thought and pulled her on top of him, he rolled over and pinned her to the floor," Meredith?" he got up and rubbed his eyes," There was no time to notify you, we were trying to save his life!" He pulled a file from beneath his pillow," Here," he shoved it at her," I heard you ran when he had a flashback, here's his chart," Meredith opened it and gasped," Did you happen to forget seeing him laying on my OR table with his stomach wide the hell open? He has a tear in his periosteum that we were only able to staple, it can rip any second!" Meredith crumpled into the bunk Hunt had been laying in," By the way, flashbacks are hell! They feel so real you forget where you are and who anyone is, the only thing that anchors you to reality is pain and since his flashbacks are of violence he would be reacting subconsciously...you owe him an apology," it was Hunt's turn to be angry," Now, I'm going to take him back into surgery as soon as I realize how the hell I'm going to reopen him without him crashing and bleeding out on my table! He almost died Meredith, and it's still a possibility, now wake the hell up and go take care of him!" with that he stormed out of the on-call room and slammed the door.

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This is a MerDer, but couples fight and you wanted drama...as painful as it is I had to make them fight a bit. Hope you enjoyed it, next chap coming soon :D


	7. Deception

New Meds are introduced here, Klonopin, Diazepam (valium), and Xanax are very dangerous if not mixed correctly or are given in too high a dose as all three are used to treat anxiety and serious panic attacks or, in this case, sedate a patient to keep them safe.

Questions? Comment and I'll answer. ENJOY!

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Chapter 7: Deception

Dr. Webber had had just about enough things on his mind before hearing one of his staff, the man who had taken his job from him no less, had been attacked and seriously hurt. He'd had a small part of himself that had thought Derek deserved everything done to him, he'd felt sorry for Meredith however. He needed a drink, just one, it'd been too long. He was walking past the on-call room when he saw Meredith curled up in a ball on the bottom bunk, sobbing. He'd picked her up and put her in the private ward in a room adjacent from Derek's, he'd sedating the hell out of her and seen to it that Karev would look in to be sure she was okay.

Derek couldn't stop shaking, he was sweating but so cold his body felt like it was being stung with millions of needles. Yang had put another blanket on him and still he trembled. Mark had continued to cradle him and it seemed to relax him enough to stop the coughing. He put his cheek to Derek's forehead," He's burning up with fever."

Romerro knocked and opened the door," Even if I can't get a statement today, I do have a job to finish before I can leave here today. Is he coherent?" he looked at Yang, she shook her head and started to speak but Romerro interrupted," Well, Derek Shepherd, you're under arrest for assault with a deadly weapon, attempted robbery, attempted murder, and he's not even with us why the hell am I still reading?" Yang's mouth dropped open," You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of..."

"What the fuck?" Sloan was outraged.

Romerro finished reading the list of rights," Once released from the hospital you will be booked and processed," Romerro took a pair of cuffs from his belt," and taken to prison," he grabbed Derek's left arm roughly, Derek jerked and screamed," Drugs wearing off yet?" Romerro slapped the cuff on his wrist and then on the side rail of the bed.

He'd turned to leave and Mark grabbed his sleeve," What should I tell him he's accused of when the drugs that his attacker gave him wear off?" Sloan's face was red with anger.

"Here's the report that was filed against him early this morning, apparently your friend took a bit too much this time and didn't know how to get himself out of trouble. This time he just tried to rob the wrong person," Romerro had to raise his voice to be heard over Shepherd," I'll be back when he's done detoxing."

Derek pulled his left arm towards him instinctively as the pain hit like a battering ram to his already heightened nervous system, tears blurred his vision and screams tore from his throat. He tried to tear away from Sloan as visions of Clark pinning him to the ground flashed through his head, unaware of where he was or who was around him he fought with whatever strength he had remaining.

Sloan allowed Derek to roll away from him but kept his arm underneath his friend's back. Yang was beside the bed in an instant, she put herself between Shepherd's chest and the bed's side railing. His full weight pressed on her and it was every bit of strength she had to keep him from falling over the rail. Sloan reached for the call light and pushed the emergency button, he reached his arm beneath Derek's right shoulder and used his own weight to get Derek on his back again.

Dr. Kepnar had shown up for work late, she rushed to Dr. Shepherd's office with butterflies in her stomach,' I hope he doesn't scold me, or maybe I do..." images of her and Dr. Shepherd engaging in several different "scolding" activities, she shook her head and opened the door," I'm so sorry Dr. Shepherd," her face flushed," I..." she stopped as she realized the room was empty,' Strange, he's always here,' just as she shut the door her pager went off,' Emergency? Oh well, I guess I'd better get that first.'

Sloan fumbled on the table next to the bed for a syringe, Derek continued to struggle and kept telling his vision of Clark that he hadn't meant to hurt anyone. Sloan found what he was looking for and held the still capped needle between his teeth, he let some more of his friend's weigh onto Yang's shoulders and freed up some more reaching distance. He pulled on the top drawer and found it locked,' Damn!'

Kepnar walked in about the time Sloan was ready to give up," What's going...DR. SHEPHERD!"

"Get the narcotics drawer open, NOW!" Sloan shouted above the noise.

"You're gonna kill him Mark!" Yang warned.

"I'm not going to kill him, but if he doesn't calm down he's going to bleed to death and we won't have to worry about that!" Sloan yelled back.

"I'm his doctor! Not you! I say we wait till this passes!"

"What do I do?" Kepnar was panicked.

"Get a vial of Clonazepam, Xanax, and Diazepam, pull a mil of each in this," Sloan handed her the syringe he had between his teeth earlier, Kepnar's hands shook as she pulled the vials and drew up the medicine," Easy, remember you're trained for this," Mark tried to reassure her as she drew the second med," Forget you know him and treat him like a patient," April drew the second vial's contents and discarded it," Good, okay his leg's pretty bandaged and he's managed to rip out his central line, I'll hold him as still as I can," Kepnar nodded," Find a vein in his neck, it's all we have at the moment and it'll act the fastest."

"That's an IM combo Sloan, what the hell are you doing?" Yang yelled.

"Trust me, April, find a vein," Sloan held Shepherd's head against his shoulder.

Kepnar moved in and held Derek's arm down with the weight of her hip," He's still moving too much, I can't get a clear vein shot."

"Okay, I was afraid of that," Sloan's mind raced," his hip," April looked a bit shocked," Inject in the hip or the vastus laterus, you remember how?"

Kepnar nodded, she pulled the sheet all the way back and lifted Derek's gown, her face grew hot when she realized that was all he had on. She also saw blood soaked bandages, she put her left hand under her right and steadied herself while holding down his leg,' Make this count, don't break the needle," she mentally visualized and pushed the needle in the top of Shepherd's thigh. April pulled the gown down and the sheet up so not to expose or embarass him," What happened to him?"

==FLASHBACK==

Derek saw Clark coming at him with the knife again, he rolled over and tried to get away clawing at the cement,' Meredith,' he thought,' I'm going to survive somehow,' sharp sting in his back,' Too close to my spine,' he tried to wiggle his toes and failed,' I'm paralyzed?' Clark flipped him over with a kick in his side and slashed at his chest getting his arm as well. He continued his assault until Derek was sure he'd hit an artery from all the blood pooling on the ground near him.

Clark kept repeating the same things," She deserved better, you butcher!" and," You killed her and now you're paying for it!"

==END FLASHBACK==

Derek's breathing was still labored and his body still trembled from the aftershock," I'll have to monitor him even closer, what if he stops breathing again?" Yang was frustrated," We've already intubated once today!"

"Look at these charges!" Sloan had picked up the police report and was reading through it.

"What if he needs to go back to surgery, how the hell do I get this handcuff off him?"

"Says here Clark claims Derek approached him at the gas station and told him he wanted his money or he'd stab him. Clark says,' there was a glazed look in his eyes and both were swollen and bloodshot, he acted as if he was high and then after I'd told him I had no money he pulled a knife on me. It was all I could do to get him off me and get the knife from him, then he just kept coming at me so I defended myself. He stopped moving after collapsing by the pump, I didn't even bother trying to find my cell; I was so afraid he'd get up I got in my car and rushed to Mercy West,' So the little shit went and staged the whole thing," Sloan flipped through the paperwork again," He had this planned since his wife died, I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back and tries to kill Derek."

"It's all lies right?" Kepnar was helping Yang change Shepherd's bandages," I mean, Dr. Shepherd on drugs? That's crazy!"

"I've known Derek for years, he's no drug addict," Sloan put the report down on the table," I'll page Hunt, looks like he's still hemorrhaging; too, looks like we're going to to hang more blood," the door clicked shut behind him.

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Working on the next chap tomorrow. 3 my fans! R&R please! ;)


	8. Losing the Battle, Winning the War

You wanted more? Here you go! Sending thanks out to all my fans, I wouldn't write if it weren't for you!

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Chapter 8: Winning the Battle, Losing the War

"Do you have any idea how much paperwork and problems he's caused us already," Webber waggled his finger at Hunt," Before all this shit happened he would take surgeries that would have cost us millions in liability, and the ONE he didn't want to take is the one that cost us in the end!" Hunt smelled liquor on his breath and the half empty bottle of Scotch confirmed his suspicion, the former-and now acting-chief was definitely over the legal limit.

"I don't know him like the rest of you; but I'm sure that he wouldn't," Hunt was interrupted as his pager beeped at him insistently," It's a stat page for Dr. Shepherd's room, I'll send Karev in to..."

"Don't bother, I have too much to..."

"You've had too much to drink and need someone looking after you! Now I understand why he called the board," Hunt stormed out of the room and let the door slam behind him. He grabbed Karev," I'll take over Grey's room, watch Webber."

"Listen! I'm not a babysitter, dammit!" Karev pulled away from Hunt," Just because one of the higher ups fucks his life up and throws away his career doesn't mean..."

"What is WITH all of you acting as if Dr. Shepherd did this on purpose! Am I the only one besides Sloan and Yang that sees HE'S the victim here? WATCH WEBBER AND SHUT THE HELL UP!" Hunt pushed Karev towards the office of the chief and left Karev standing there angrily,' If I have to tell off one more person today, I swear it'll be with a fist...'

Meredith's eyes opened slowly, she was barely aware of where she was and what was going on," Derek?" she questioned as she sat up. She noticed an IV in her arm and the past few hours hit her, hard. Her mind raced,' Where's Derek?' she put her feet on the floor and grabbed the IV stand to steady herself. Once she had her balance she disconnected the cannula from the port, now free she made her way to the door,' I have to find you, Derek, please be alive.'

Yang had brought her charting into Shepherd's room and was sitting in the chair near the bed working on the mounting pile of paperwork. The door squeaked open and Meredith staggered in, hair a mess and makeup smeared down each side of her face," Derek!" she edged around the side of the bed and touched his face," Please be okay," tears threatened to fall and mingle with the already smudged makeup.

"He's sedated pretty heavily, he might not wake up yet," Yang put down her chart," Watch him so I can go make rounds and maybe get some sleep."

"I'm not going anywhere," Meredith crawled into bed next to her love," Derek, can you hear me?"

"Be careful of his shoulder, it's pretty messed up," Yang picked up his chart and put it on the table next to the bed," You should read this before you get too comfy."

Derek heard Yang and Meredith talking,' Mer?' his eyes refused to open and his body, too weak to respond to her touch. Her hands were cool silk on his burning cheek,' I love you, Mer.'

"Everything's going to be okay, Derek," Meredith settled in by him. He ached to respond and tell her how much he'd missed her, instead he coughed. The blood in his mouth tasted like he'd chewed on crushed keys and spare change, he felt it sliding down the back of his throat but was almost paralyzed to stop it," God, Derek, who did this to you?" Meredith took a cloth from the drawer and soaked it in the cup of water nearby, she wiped it across his lips," You might not be able to hear me," she used the dry end of the cloth to finish cleaning his chin," but I wanted you to know, I can't live without you," he tried to speak and choked instead, he coughed again," Derek?" Meredith put her hand underneath his back and sat him straight up. His eyes finally opened and the room spun,' I'm gonna be sick again,' his pulse pounded in his head,' not in front of Mer, please, just...' he turned on his right side and vomited. He felt himself about to fall and tried to steady on his left elbow, he found it wouldn't move that far and panicked. His weight fell on his shoulder and he felt a sickening pop, pain immediately snaked its way to his chest and fingertips. He gasped and threw up again,' Restraints?' his mind raced,' Did I lose it and fight them?'

"Derek, let go of the rail," Meredith pushed on his back," I got you," Derek felt something give in his shoulder and knew something had gone wrong, he clenched his teeth to keep from screaming. She put a bit more force on his back and just before he thought he'd pass out she let up," You're soaked in sweat, didn't they change your gown bef..." her voice trailed off as she put him on his back and looked at her hand,' It's not sweat, he's...bleeding...' she shook her emotions from her head.

His vision cleared a bit and he saw shock in her eyes," Mer?" his voice sounded so far away," What's wrong?"

"I need to get Hunt and Yang," she got up and hurried out of the room.

Derek's body screamed at him and he felt like screaming himself, he moved his right hand in front of his face,' No restraint there,' moving the sheet he saw a handcuff around his wrist that bound him to the bed,' the hell?'

Sloan came in and pulled on a pair of gloves," I *knew* I shoulda knocked the hell outta that cop!"

"Is that even legal?" Hunt followed him and grabbed gloves off the wall," Watch the floor," he pointed at the bloody emises on the tile next to the bed.

"Gotcha."

"Mark...Owen...?" Derek found he was having trouble breathing and his head felt funny.

"I'm just going to sit you up," he put a knee on the bed to steady himself as he raised Derek," Seems you've torn some sutures in your back, not surprising though," he untied the top of the gown and let it fall around Shepherd's waist," Mer, hand me the gauze and a suture kit."

Derek heard a sniffle and plastic rustling,' Mer doesn't need to see this,' he coughed and blood spattered his right arm and the sheet below it,' If I do that again I'll be sick,' his vision blurred and the room seemed to spin again.

"Meredith, don't cry, the worse wounds are on his chest," Hunt offered some form of comfort but found he came up short," Wait," he had wiped down Shepherd's back and found no resistance to suggest a burst suture," It's not on his back, lay him down."

Sloan pushed Meredith behind him as he saw where the bleeding was coming from," Owen, his shoulder," he pointed.

"Okay, I got it, Sloan," he turned Derek's head to the side to get better access," How you doing, Shepherd, still with us?"

"Yeshhh," Derek slurred.

"Hang some blood, Mer, I'm gonna re-stitch this," Hunt popped the suture kit open and lay it on Derek's chest," He's in too much pain to tolerate this, get an epidural. I doubt he'd let me near that without it."

"His breathing's too irregular, I gave him a Diazepam, Xanax and Clonazepam injection earlier. We've drugged too much already," Sloan took Meredith's arm," Go help Yang on her rounds."

"But Mark Derek's..."

"And he probably doesn't want you seeing this," he turned her back to Derek and facing him," this isn't something you're going to wanna be here for, let me take care of this and I'll come get you when we're finished," she tried to pull away," Mer, we don't have much time, please, for him just go find Yang," she looked at the floor and nodded.

"Derek," she put a hand on his cheek," Hunni, I'll be right back okay?" he nodded and she kissed his lips softly and ran for the door before he could see her cry.

"I didn't think you wanted her around for this," Sloan re-gloved and sat on the edge of the bed.

"No," Derek felt as if a weight had been taken off his chest now that he knew Mer wouldn't see him like this," Mark..."

"Yeah?"

"Why..." he winced as the saline hit his shoulder," Why am I c-cuffed to the bed?"

"I'll explain, right now just focus on me and lay still," Mark wiped soaked a cloth in water and wiped Derek's face and neck," We need to stop this bleeding and..."

"Did..." he gasped and his back arched as Hunt opened the wound with forceps," Did I hurt someone?"

"No, Derek you're fine, you didn't hurt anyone," Mark kept wiping his neck.

"Worst is over," Hunt poured some saline in the wound," now just cleaning up and making sure there's no more damage."

Bits and pieces of his surgery flashed through his mind," I...I hit you," he remembered Sloan trying to hold him still and he'd screamed and cursed his friend, his brother.

"Derek, it was the drugs," Sloan put his hand on his friend's bicep," You didn't hurt me, and even if you had..."

"Okay, we have a bit of a problem," Hunt was trying not to intrude on their 'moment' but this couldn't wait," He's got a cloth that could venture its way to his chest if we don't stop it, hand me a clam, there's no time even if we rush to the OR," Sloan turned behind him and grabbed clamps out of the cart's bottom drawer and handed them to Hunt," Okay, Derek your arm is about to feel like it's on fire, just stay with us."

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So that was intense...new chapter in progress!


	9. Confusion and Confrontation

Chapter 9: Confusion and Confrontation

Mark put Derek's hand in his," You can do this," Derek winced and grit his teeth," You survived the attack," he took a deep breath and held it as Hunt started working the clot up to the clamp.

"Stop," his breath was coming in gasps.

"It's almost there, just a bit longer," Hunt clamped either end of the artery.

"No, I..." he squeezed Mark's hand.

"I have the clot sectioned off, think of your training, Shepherd," Hunt packed gauze around the sectioned area," There's a clot in your patients artery leading straight to the anastemosis of the aorta and the carotid artery, you have it isolated between two clamps, what's next?"

"Sever...the artery and," he swallowed," remove the clot," his breathing slowed slightly.

"Good, I'm cutting the artery," Derek heard the surgical scissors snip," Now working the clot to the outside, and removing it," just like Hunt had warned, his arm now felt as if it'd been dipped into molten lava, he squirmed a bit as the temp seemed to rise," Stay still, you're doing great," Owen reassured him," What next?"

Derek shut his eyes tight as he imagined himself bleeding out due to a clamp coming loose or a muscle spasm,"Derek!" Sloan had resoaked the cloth and was wiping his neck to keep him conscious," What does he do now?"

"Su-suture the artery and re-reconnect it..." his stomach wretched and threatened to turn on him again.

"Good, I got it," Hunt took the clamps off and watched the small artery turn pink again. He inspected it for leaks, once satisfied he re-packed the area with gauze," I'll be honest Dr. Shepherd, this might need a graft."

"It's Derek..." he gasped for air.

"Huh?" Owen looked surprised.

"Call me...Derek," he felt his muscles relax," We've been through too much...for you to call me...by a title..." his stomach threatened him again.

Hunt chuckled for the first time that day," Okay, Derek, should we talk about our newfound friendship over drinks?" Derek smiled painfully," At least now you see that I'm no enemy."

"I remember..." his breathing was heavy again," you told someone to let me go...that the agony was better than the flashbacks," he licked his lips," I was so sure...that you were that man in black..." Hunt unwrapped some steri-strips and lay them out on the sterile field," the one who killed my father..."

"I'm sorry, Derek," Hunt began placing the steri-strips over the wound to close it temporarily.

"I was about 7, I think..." he shuddered a bit as the memory flashed back to him.

"I'll be honest with you, Derek," calling the man he respected by his first name went against his background's training and it seemed foreign to him," I wasn't sure you were going to make it off my table," he put two fingers on the bottom of Derek's jawline," keep that way, I'm almost finished. Then we'll check you over and get Meredith for you, I didn't think you'd want her here right now either."

"No, she doesn't need to..." his breath hitched as Hunt pushed the tape down on the edges of the dressing," I don't want her seeing me like...this," a wave of shame passed over him," I'm cuffed to a bed so I won't..." the words hurt to say," hurt anyone," Derek buried his face in the pillow.

"No, Derek!" Sloan put a hand under Derek's cheek and turned his face so he could see into his eyes," Listen to me, you were attacked. The piece of shit who tried to kill you is saying you started this," Derek's eyes widened a bit," He's saying you were high and attacked him with a knife and he defended himself."

"Then...he knows," the color drained from Derek's face," he knows I'm alive," his heart pounded against his chest," He'll come back for me."

"I won't let him *near* you," Mark vowed.

Derek felt like a ton of bricks had just hit him in the chest, he felt the flashbacks rolling his mind and threatening to drag him under again. He couldn't breath, a cold chill ran through him, and then a shockwave of nausea as images of Clark coming to Seattle Grace and finding him raced around his brain. His eyes welled with tears from panic as he saw Clark coming towards him while he was lying in the hospital bed, helpless and weak,' What if he does this again? What if he finds...WHAT IF HE FINDS MER?' the thought of someone hurting Meredith was too much.

"Derek!" Hunt was shining a light into his eyes and trying to bring him around," Derek, no one's going to hurt you."

"Sedate him," Mark turned to the medicine cart," I can give him another mil of Diazepam and it won't hurt him..."

"No! Don't drug him, it'll be worse," Hunt held Derek's wrists to the bed," it'll pass in a bit. Go get Meredith, but take your time if she looks busy."

"Okay, I need some air, just..." Sloan ran his hands through his hair nervously," Just take care of him."

"He's in good hands, it'll pass. Trust me, if someone hadn't done this for me," his own flashback episodes popped in his head," I wouldn't be okay now, he has to get through this on his own or it'll haunt him forever."

"Okay," Sloan headed for the door," How long?"

"Half an hour at least," Hunt was firm," and don't get nervous and come back sooner."

"I'll go make my rounds then," Sloan wiped his eyes, put up his facade and left.

"Derek!" Hunt turned his attention to Shepherd who was starting to really struggle against his grasp," Listen, I know what you're going through, it feels so real doesn't it?" Derek's eyes were clenched shut, he couldn't speak so he nodded," So you're still halfway here?" Derek nodded again," Good, this is crucial. When you stop struggling, I'm going to let go of your wrists," Derek shook his head and groaned through his teeth," Stay with me, I want you to grab my shirt with your good arm and look directly in my eyes. Ready?"

Derek's back arched and he still fought under Hunt's grip," Stop it, you're better than this," Owen held fast," when you stop fighting I'll let go, then we're going to get through this," Derek couldn't shake the images of Clark stabbing Meredith, blood running down her body, he choked on a sob and tried to force his body to relax," Don't fight for the control, it's yours just relax and take it," Derek still battled the movie clips in his head," allow those images to be there. It's fear, Derek, you can't change it; but you *can* control how much power it has over you," his body slowly stopped resisting Hunt's hold on him and he accepted that the hands pinning him down were there to help not hurt," There, good job, you made it through your first anxiety attack," Hunt sat next to him.

"So...tired..." Derek felt like he'd just run a marathon.

"I know, grab my shirt," Hunt saw the confusion on his face," Trust me, have I hurt you yet?" Derek shook his head slightly and reached forward, he grasped the front of Owen's shirt," Okay, feel the fabric, concentrate on what texture it is and close your eyes."

"He'll...he'll come back," Derek's hand shook.

"I know, but you can't let him win. Close your eyes and focus on what this shirt feels like, what you smell, what you can hear, it's a grounding technique," Hunt put a hand on top of Shepherd's fist," Focus," Derek's face twisted and pain was clearly wrought all over it," What do you see?"

"C-clark...he's back and..." his breathing picked up.

"Okay, he's back in your mind...let yourself feel that anxiety and bring it down by concentrating," Hunt squeezed Derek's hand while he struggled to keep his demons at bay.

"I...I can't..." Derek opened his eyes.

"That was great for your first try."

"I..I can't breathe," Derek felt a weight on his chest.

"The only thing I can do is a mil of Diazepam to calm you down, but it could fully sedate you," Derek shook his head," Didn't think so."

"Meredith," he slurred a bit," Where's Mer?"

"Sloan went to get her," Hunt got up," She's getting lunch, she needs to eat," he grabbed a bio-bag and a disposable mop from the cabinet and poured solution on the floor.

"Owen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." Derek's face flushed red as he realized Hunt was cleaning up his vomit.

"Derek," Hunt began mopping," I say this with respect," He knelt and began wiping the floor with a rag," Shut the hell up."

Meredith saw Sloan coming down the hall and ran to meet him," Is he okay?"

"He's fine, just had a suture rip," Mark put his arm around her and walked with her," Hunt told me to wait a half hour and then come back."

"Why?"

"Not sure, something about needing to talk to Derek," he squeezed her shoulder," None of this is going to be easy for him to get over."

"I know...I just..." she stopped mid-sentence.

"What is it Meredith?"

"I'm still reeling from the drugs, at first I thought I saw...nevermind."

Derek was officially embarrassed, not only had Hunt cleaned his vomit off the floor but he was changing his gown and sheets-where Derek had noticed he'd been catheterized somewhere in the midst of things-and hadn't complained or ridiculed him once. He hadn't pretended not to notice his embarrassment but had simply tried his best not to make it worse. He felt a newfound confidence in Owen Hunt, like they'd known each other forever and had simply been apart for a few years.

Just when he thought he'd been humiliated enough for one day, the door burst open, thinking Clark had come back to hurt him he raised his hands to his face and flinched. His left arm screamed as it painfully reminded him he was still cuffed to the bed. His chest grew tight and panic jolted down his spine.

"Hey!" Owen threw himself in front of Derek as if to shield him from an attack. The tension in the room was thick enough to slice through.

"Derek!" a woman's voice?


	10. Competency Competition

Okay, today's my birthday but instead of getting presents from you guys...I'm letting you give into your craving for another chapter. Enjoy! Writing the next one this weekend when I have time. &heart& my fans!

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Chapter 10: Competence Competition

"What are you doing here?" Hunt sounded shocked.

"Where's Derek? Is he okay?" he had his eyes closed and had rolled onto his side,'I recognize that voice...' his thoughts were fuzzy as he struggled to breathe.

"Derek, calm down and remember what I told you," Hunt was pulling him away from his recently bandaged shoulder onto his back," It's okay, you're safe," he whispered into his ear and made it look like he was still helping him get comfortable," I won't let anyone hurt you either, I'm trained to protect and like my brother now," Derek's breathing slowed a bit and he felt himself adjust to the anxiety, he kept his eyes closed even after Hunt moved away from him.

"Derek, what happened to you?" his eyes fluttered open slowly," Did you get in a car crash? Why didn't you call me?"

"Addison?" his voice was weak.

"Yeah, are you okay?" she touched his face.

"How..did you get here?" he desperately tried to mask the obvious pain wrought all over his face.

"I hopped a plane as soon as I got the call," her purse dropped to the floor," I was so worried!"

"Addison?" Derek heard Mark's voice.

"Mark! It's good to see you," she turned away and smiled warmly.

"Why is everyone in here?" Meredith was on Mark's heels," Addison, what are you doing here?"

'Oh shit,' Derek thought,' Mer's probably thinking something really bad's going on right about now,' he pictured her turning all tiny blue hulk on his ex-wife and almost smiled, almost.

"I heard Derek was in an accident and I flew in," she got up from the bed," I got a call from..."

"From who?" Meredith's eyes flashed with anger," Who would think to call the ex-wife?"

"Mer..." Derek called weakly,' God, no one's going to even hear me if my voice keeps going out on me,' he thought, annoyed.

"It's not like that Meredith," Addison started.

"It's not! Well then tell me how it is that the man I'm engaged to was in surgery for 7 hours or more and I was stuck outside the OR while he screamed his lungs out because if Hunt had sedated him he'd be dead or in a coma, tell me how it is that the second I get a few minutes alone with him, his sutures burst and I get shuffled out of the room like I've never seen blood before!" tears streamed down her face," All I want to do is spend some time with MY fiance'! No scalpels, no suture kits, no ex-wives, no more drama!" she balled her hands into fists at her sides.

"Meredith, I didn't know you'd be upset if I," Addison had put her hands up in defense.

"Everything upsets me right now! You know why?" Meredith was almost yelling," BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT!" the room fell silent.

"Mer...you're?" for the first time that day a smile crossed Derek's lips, a weak one, but a smile nonetheless," Really?"

"This is our que," Hunt took Addison's arm and lead her out of the room.

"Mark," Derek took hold of the bottom of his shirt," stay, please."

"Derek, I was going to tell you over dinner sometime soon and we could celebrate and..." Meredith curled up in bed next to him and nestled under his arm," then I heard you got hurt and..."

"I'll be okay, Mer," he swallowed the pain and put an arm around her," I...I'm..." a tear rolled down his face," Mark, we're having...a baby," he stroked Meredith's hair.

"Congratulations, Derek!" Mark touched his hand," I'm so happy for you two."

"Mer, when did...you find out?" Derek's chest tightened, a reminder that he'd really regret this later-scratch that-he was regretting letting Meredith, no matter how small she was, lean on him at all.

"Few weeks ago...but I wanted...to be sure before I," she was still crying into his side.

"Don't cry, Mer," he tried to lift his left arm to touch her face out of instinct and painfully remembered it was cuffed to the rail.

"What was that?" Meredith heard a chain rattle, she pulled the sheet back and saw a cuff on his wrist," Derek?" she put a hand on his stomach and used it to sit up, he doubled over and his breath hitched," Why are you handcuffed to a bed?"

"Meredith, before you go off, listen," Mark helped her off the bed," Clark attacked him at a gas station and did this," he gestured to Derek's chest," Derek must have hurt him because he was admitted to a hospital and told the police Derek attacked him because he was high."

"So that's why you couldn't sedate him for surgery?" Meredith put her hand on her head," Wait, he was *high*?"

"Clark...he put a knife to my throat," Derek swallowed hard," and gave me...a sedative," his hair fell in his face as he looked down," Thorazine and Secobarbital...and..."

"So he *drugged* you!" shock was stamped on her features," You could have..." Mark caught her as she fell.

"We didn't want to worry you anymore than we had to," Mark picked her up and held her.

"Okay does anyone wanna tell me why me and Arizona came back from the beach early?" Callie and Arizona were pushing each other playfully and giggling," I mean which celebrity is dyi..." she stopped her sentence when she saw Mark holding a crying Meredith and Shepherd looking pale in a hospital bed.

"Oh my God," she pulled on gloves," Is he okay?"

"Can't say for sure but he's stable," Mark was petting Meredith's back.

"Okay," she went to Derek's bedside," Hey Dr. Shepherd, I'm giving you a once over before we do x-rays," she tilted his head up and began feeling his cheekbones and above his eyebrows," Nothing there," she moved to his nose," Nose is broken, pretty bad, might need plastics there after I set it," Arizona scribbled notes on a clipboard," Moving to his neck," Callie gently moved her fingers down each side of his throat, he winced when she brushed the injection site where Clark had overdosed him," Sorry, good news though, nothing broken or out of place, although this area is really red."

"That's the...the injection site," flashbacks raced through his head.

Callie looked at Sloan, confused," I'll explain after the exam," Mark nodded to her.

"Okay, going to shoulders," he jerked under her touch," Left clavicle broken, we'll need reconstructive surgery. Antebrachial and anticubital areas seems fine other than the lacerations, he's handcuffed?"

"Again, Torres, I'll explain later," Mark had sat down on the recliner on the far side of the room with Meredith still cradled in his arms.

"Okay, moving to the chest," she untied the gown and let it fall to his stomach," Wow, Dr. Shepherd, someone did a number on you. I'm not sure where to start," so many bandages, they covered his chest and almost all of his stomach,' Damn, either this was a bad car crash or you really pissed someone off,' she put a slight pressure on his ribs, his breath caught in his throat and he struggled a bit," We'll just do a full body x-ray and an MRI, I don't want to put him through more than we have to."

"Look at his leg first," Mark instructed.

"His right leg's swollen," Callie said as she pulled the sheet back," We'll need an OR after the MRI and x-rays, Arizona could you go book us one?" she nodded and left in quiet thought.

"Derek, Meredith's going to take you for x-rays and an MRI, we'll review the results and meet you in the OR."

"All right," panic rose as he remembered his previous OR experience.

Meredith crawled off Mark's lap and dried her eyes," Okay, Mark I want to be in with him this time."

"He'll be out, totally this time," Sloan put a hand on her shoulder.

Claustrophobia set in as he went into the MRI's tunnel, it was hard enough to breathe comfortably as it was. The noise started and he closed his eyes,' Don't panic, only ten minutes,' he tried to steady his breathing,' Foreplay lasts longer than ten minutes,' he imagined himself running his fingers down her bare back, bringing a small sigh from her. He tried to focus on what she felt like, soft skin, velvet lips, every time she touched him it was like feeding a fire. A flash of Clark threatened to ruin his moment, he shook his head to shake away the memory.

"You're doing great, just a few more minutes," the radiologist's voice crackled over the speaker near his ear.

"Get him out of there," Meredith noticed his foot twitching.

"He's fine, just a bit nervous," the radiology tech continued typing on the computer.

"His foot's twitching."

The tech took a sip of her coffee," Like I said...nerves."

He tried to remember what Hunt had told him to do,' Focus on what I can hear, see, smell...' he swallowed,' I can see nothing but the blank ceiling of this MRI machine, I can hear the noises coming from it,' the shine on the ceiling of the MRI reminded him of the glitter off the blade,' Keep it together, not long now...' flashbacks crept at the edges of his sanity and finally rolled his mind under their will.

"Get him out of there now," Meredith was firm and held down the microphone's button," Derek, I'm coming just hold on."

"Hey!" the girl dropped her cup on the floor as Meredith reached for the shutoff switch to the machine," We're not finished yet!"

"When his foot twitches like that it means something's wrong," if looks could kill, the radiologist would have died in agonizing horror.

Addison suddenly burst into the MRI room where Derek was now verging on a full blown panic attack, the tech immediately shut off the machine and threw her clipboard on the floor," What is it with this guy? Do his lips taste like candy or something?" furious she stormed out of the room," Deal with him yourselves then!"

Meredith felt herself lose control as the first thing Derek would see when he came out of that MRI was his saviour, and it wasn't her,' In a beauty contest, she wins. In a fashion show, she wins again. In a compentency competition, we're evenly matched,' she raced for the door, defeated Addison had gotten to him first,' but let's see who's the bigger shark."

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Hope you liked it...keep reading for more revealing details, I've left a few holes in the story for a reason ;)


	11. A Suture in Time Saves a Life

Chapter 11: A Suture in Time, Saves a Life

Lights flashed above his head, in and out of his vision as the gurney raced down the hallway," I *told* that tech to..."

"Meredith go get Hunt and Mark, I've cleared that OR," Addison seemed to take complete control as she pressed the floor number on the elevator," Meet you in the OR," Meredith could have sworn there was a smirk on her face.

"Addy?" he called her by her old nickname for the first time in years.

"Right here, HunniBear," she put a hand on his cheek.

"You..." he coughed," swore...no one would know," a faint smile played on his pale lips," about...that name."

"We're alone for the moment, your secret's still safe," she couldn't help a small laugh,' Gee, how did I cheat on this,' even with the bandages and suture marks covering most of his chest and stomach she could still make out the lines of his pecs and those gorgeous abs she used to trail her fingers over after a steamy shower,' You're not getting away again," she vowed silently.

"Where..." his strength drained the rest of his sentence.

"Heading to the OR to tie up some loose intestines," she giggled when he smirked,' He still remembers our old jokes,' she mused,' there's still a way I can save thi...us.'

Derek's head spun, his chest felt so tight it could burst, and he could feel whatever drugs they'd put him on fading. He panicked as he realized the room moving and his vision blurring,' Don't throw up on Addy's shoes...' he closed his eyes and tried to will his stomach to feel normal again,' those are her favorite shoes,' he tried to put his left hand on his forehead and surprisingly it moved freely,' They took the cuff off?'

"You passed out and Owen cut the cuff off with some bolt cutters," she put a hand on his and he could swear he saw her blush," You know, it's been years since we've..."

"A-Addy," his sight faded a bit and his stomach ruined whatever 'moment' Addison was trying to have with him as the elevator doors opened.

"Well, while some super-secret surgery is going on I'm stuck babysitting..." Alex Karev was flipping through a chart and grumbling to himself. As he stepped into the elevator he looked up and his eyes met Addison's, they stood in silence for a moment before he recognized Shepherd," What the hell?" he jumped back as Derek threw up on his shoes," What's wrong with him, too much sushi?" he smirked.

"No! Someone attacked him," Addison put her hand on Derek's forehead and held him steady while he helplessly heaved his guts up.

"He okay?" Karev held the elevator open while he stepped out and grabbed a sheet off a vacant bed in the hallway.

"Does he *look* okay?" Addison patted his back and helped him back on the sheets. He was pale and his lips stained with blood, the taste was like metal against his tongue and made his teeth hurt," We're going to an OR to meet ortho, keep this quiet," Karev nodded," I mean it Karev!"

Callie took inventory of her equipment and then stared at the x-rays on the wall," So my plan here is to put a metal splint here," she pointed.

"That's a pretty big incision, what about the lacerations?"

"Let's just re-set the bone and see how it goes," Hunt donned gloves," We might not have to open him up at all."

"Then why are we risking sedating him?" Callie tied her hair up in her cap.

"I'm not putting him through anymore hell," Hunt's eyes almost glazed over.

The door opened and Meredith walked in," We're ready in here."

"Okay, do we have an anesthesiologist in there?" Hunt looked through the glass into the OR.

"No need, I ordered an epidural instead. Less stress on us if we know how he's feeling."

Addison joined them in the scrub room and started washing her hands," So what are we looking at doing?"

"WE," Meredith pushed her aside," are planning on re-setting his knee and then we're going from there based upon the amount of damage done," Meredith used Addison's sink and started lathering her own hands.

"You don't think I'm going to..."

"You'll sit in the gallery and see to it we're not disturbed and no one's watching. He's scared enough as it is I'm not having his nerves shot to hell because some jackass wants to watch. Besides, I called Callie to help us," Meredith smirked this time," After all I mean she is head of Ortho."

Derek felt something he hadn't felt in years, vulnerable and scared, his entire body hurt and stung like needles were piercing every inch of his skin. Meredith came into view on his right side, mask not yet over her mouth," Hey," she smiled sweetly at him and he relaxed," we're doing an epidural to make sure you're okay through this," he barely understood what she'd just said but nodded anyway. Meredith put an arm around his chest and underneath his left bicep, the other under his neck and pulled him onto his side. He winced and drew in a breath as his left hand instinctively grabbed her gown," Let us do the work," she put her cheek against his arm and kissed the bend of his elbow.

"Okay, this is the local for the epidural," he heard Mark behind him and felt a pinch on the small of his back, insignificant compared to the rest of his wounds but still a pinch nonetheless," Tell me when you can't feel my hand," Mark poked two fingers around the injection site.

"Derek, what is it that you say?" Hunt tied his mask behind his head," It's a..." he paused.

"Beautiful...day to-to save lives," he coughed and saw a spot of blood on Meredith's sleeve.

"Can you still feel me?" Mark was poking him again.

"Barely."

"All right," he opened the epidural kit and began organizing his supplies," then you shouldn't feel much of this," he rubbed the area with an iodine swab and felt for the break in the vertebrae," Here we go."

Derek braced himself for the pain but only succeeded in tightening his arm and sending tendrils of pain through his chest and back, he couldn't breathe and panic was welling in his throat.

"All over," Meredith lay him back on the table and kissed his forehead," in a few minutes you're going to feel all tingly, just go with it and let me know if you start having trouble breathing."

Derek nodded and took a deep breath to try and settle his nerves, he found this to be a bad decision when his broken ribs screamed and he fought for air.

"Ok Dr. Shepherd how you feelin'?" Callie's voice came from across the room. He tried to move his fingers and found they were useless and numb, he nodded to Meredith.

"He's good," she ran her fingers through his hair, his eyes closed and he felt his breath returning.

"This is going to sound bad," Callie grabbed his ankle and pointed Mark's hands to their position on his thigh and hip," Hold there and I go on three," she whispered.

"Focus on the pretty lady," Mark winked at him.

"One, two," Callie mouthed," Three," she pulled hard and his knee snapped back into place.

He heard the pop and thought he would be sick,' This bothers me even when I'm not the one on the table,' Meredith continued petting his hair and face.

"He okay?" Mark turned around.

"Fine, just like a champ," Meredith smiled and Derek thought his heart would burst.

"I'm going to need some help with this Dr. Grey," Hunt was cutting the bandages away from his chest and stomach," you got this?"

Meredith donned a pair of fresh gloves and gave Derek one last kiss before tying her mask over her mouth," I got this Owen, thanks."

"Okay, we need a game plan for this," Hunt pointed to the temporary steri-strips that were barely holding most of his wounds together.

"I say we start here," Meredith pointed.

"Okay, I'll work down here then," Hunt positioned a drape over the area and pulled his tray closer to him with his foot.

"You need some more Diazepam?" Meredith asked as she picked up forceps, he shook his head and tried to raise it," Lay back and try to relax, you won't feel it this time. Tell me if you start feeling too anxious, I have Valium on hand."

"Okay, I'm f-fine," he lay his head back on the pillow and tried to distract himself.

"Do any good surgeries lately?" Hunt offered as the steri-strips came off and the wound reopened.

"Brain t-tumor," he tried to steady his breathing," the other doctor thought it was inoperable."

"And you were able to remove it?"

"Yes," he stared at the monitor to his left and counted his heartbeat.

Callie was taking advantage of his condition and had began exploring the inside of Derek's knee with a laproscope and trying to repair the damage.

Derek felt himself losing a grip on reality and falling into flashback hell again. He remembered not knowing where he was and being terrified, screaming and fighting and...

"Derek?" Meredith tried to snap him back to reality.

"Give him this, he can't handle this yet," Hunt handed her a syringe.

Meredith pulled her gloves off and popped the cap on the needle," It's okay, Derek," she put the needle in the spare IV port," Focus, look at me," she saw fear in his eyes and pushed the plunger. 


	12. The Trouble With Traumas

Hope this one satisfies your hunger for more 3

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Chapter 12: The Trouble with Traumas

"Can you finish this?" Mark turned to Callie.

"Yeah," she looked surprised.

"Good, I gotta get out of here," Mark tore off his mask and left the room.

"Derek!" Meredith pushed the plunger as she counted the seconds on the clock,' Not too fast or I'll kill him, but not fast enough and he'll go into shock and start seizing and convulsing and...'

"Dr. Grey," Hunt put a gloved hand on top of hers as the plunger met the syringe," If you're not calm, he won't be either," he nodded at Derek.

Derek felt his fingers tingling, but his legs seemed gone, as if Callie had removed them completely. The sound of the suction and the whir of the instruments as they slid in and out of his knee was almost maddening,' And I do this to peoples' heads while they're awake?' his mind raced and he gasped for breath.

"Stay calm, Derek," Hunt's voice seemed muffled and distant," You're doing great," the words sounded foreign to him as if Hunt was speaking a different language.

Meredith repositioned and opened the laceration she was working on with forceps to get a better view," Owen," she poked his arm.

"I'm a little busy," he nodded to his work.

"Owen, what does this look like?" Meredith gestured at the depth of the incision.

"Hold that I'll see if I can't get that out," he picked up a fresh pair of forceps and reached in between Meredith's fingers," Oh God," his eyes grew wide.

"Is that...?" Meredith and Hunt looked at each other for a moment," Silk?"

"How the hell are we going to get all this out?" Hunt began looking through the wound further to be sure they had gotten the last scrap from that wound.

"We'll have to open up the rest of those..." Meredith felt dizzy.

"I should have thought of this," Hunt mentally kicked himself," Of course, he's been stabbed so many times I was worrying about him bleeding out."

"You saved his life! How could you know?"

"What's going on up there?" Callie was still working the handles of the instruments inside the laproscopes.

"There's pieces of his shirt inside the wounds."

"WHAT?" Callie almost pushed the screw in too far," So how do you get it all out?"

"We're going to have to close up and get another OR, he has to be fully under instead of just sedated stupid!" Hunt was frustrated," even then there's no guarantee we can find every fiber inside every one of these."

"Unless," Meredith was suturing in deep thought, Hunt looked at her puzzled," unless we do it with locals and one at a time."

"No way," Owen shook his head," You want him *awake* for this?"

"No, just listen," she began dressing the area," If we sedate him there's a risk due to the recent drug overdose, but if we do one small procedure at a time instead of all at once we can take our time and be sure we get everything out."

"How about we let him decide that when he wakes up again?" Hunt continued working," Until then I'm getting everything out I can."

Mark had barely gotten to the sink before he threw up, his head spun and he couldn't move,' He's gonna die' his back arched as another wave hit him sending the sausage biscuit he'd had for breakfast into the basin in front of him. He fell to the floor and curled into a ball, crying.

Callie tried to stay cool but for once her hands shook when she prepared her tray,' Poor thing,' she thought as she surveyed the damage. Meredith and Owen had started their examination of their previous work and both were obviously worried sick. She tried to focus as she began fingering the knee to assess the break for herself,' Compound fracture, this isn't going to be easy,' even through all this it was slightly amusing to think of Mark as her scrub nurse. She turned to him," Scalpel," she held out her hand, and saw Mark's was shaking a bit too.

"Just..." his eyes seemed to plead with her.

"I'll do what I can," she tried to assure him,' Okay, focus,' she made her first incision and pushed a laproscope through the opening,' What do I see?' she looked at the screen at the foot of the table as she explored the damage internally,' Patella's out of place, no wonder there was swelling,' she sighed,' I wish I could have been here sooner,' she snaked her way around to the inner area of the leg and down,' Compound fracture of the tibia too?' she almost heard Mark cringe, but continued around the epiphysis (top end) of the tibia to the fibula,' Surprisingly this one is only hairlined,' she began pushing more feed inside to get a better look,' Whoever attacked him must have kicked his leg from an angel like he wanted to immobilize him,' she surveyed the rest of the fibula and moved on.

'Muscle damage is extensive, this won't be an easy recovery,' she winced when she thought of him wheelchair-bound for the rest of his life,' Focus,' she reminded herself,' I can fix this.'

Hunt had planned on suturing what he hadn't gotten to fully fix previously, he'd taken to using steri-strips to hold most of the worse wounds closed for reassessment today. He was now in a race against time to get as much of the scraps from those hundred and fifty dollar shirts that Derek was so fond of, out of his chest,' I should have followed him home that night,' he thought,' this never would have happened,' he took a mental picture and started counting,' Six?' he questioned,' how was he stabbed six times and still coherent?' he shook his head and started irrigating the second wound,' Not to mention the cuts where he must have somehow been able to dodge,' Diaphragm's been punctured,' he picked up a cautery and glanced at Meredith,' I think you're the reason he's alive.'

Callie retraced her steps and moved to the diaphysis (end of) of the femur, her eyes got big as she made a shocking realization,' It's shattered,' she immediately removed the laproscope and, with a surgical marker, started plotting points for her laproscopic probes.

The first went in smoothly, almost no resistance and gave her a great view she positioned the second and had to apply a bit more pressure to get the angle she wanted. She pushed a probe with forceps on the end into the first and one with a small bag attached into the second,' I'm going to have to make him a complete new knee if this doesn't work,' she began putting shards of bone from the break into the small bag and removing them one at a time,' This could take awhile.'

Meredith's new job was to keep him comfortable, a job she felt she was failing at miserably. Hours seemed to drag on and yet fly by all at once, after the injection his eyes had closed but still moved restlessly underneath the lids. He'd started mumbling and talking in his newfound sleep, which she was sure was the first bit of actual sleep he'd gotten since the attack,' Even this is bittersweet and tortured,' she rubbed the back of her gloved hand across his cheek,' I'm getting you a gun and you're not telling me no this time.'

==FLASHBACK==

Her hands wrapped around the butt of the glock, it had a nice feel to it. She looked at Derek and he giggled as she struck a "Charlie's Angels" pose.

"I still don't think I need one, Mer," he kissed her forehead and whispered," No matter how cute you look holding it."

"I know we don't have ninjas chasing us like in the movies and neither of us are involved in the mob," she paused," unless there's something you're not telling me Lansky," her laugh lit up the room and everyone else seemed to disappear and fade into the background.

Holding onto that gun with his hands over hers showing her how to aim down the sight and line up with the targets. The trigger felt good under her fingertip and when she'd squeezed that first shot off he'd giggled when her face flushed from adrenaline. He'd showed her how to "position" her hips and she'd snickered as she knew all he was doing was getting a quick feel of what she was or wasn't wearing under that skirt.

He'd refused to carry a gun in his car, or at all for that matter, saying things like," Hunni, there's no reason for it," and "I don't have any enemies" but she just had this feeling about it that day. He'd reassured her and whispered those sweet nothings in her ears about things to come once he got her home and she'd blushed when she thought of his hands all over her and forgotten her worries and tried to live in the moment.

He'd revved the engine all the way home and sped in and out of traffic, taking back roads and any shortcuts he could think of to get her back to the house. Once home, they kissed all the way to the bedroom, ignoring Lexie and Mark and whoever else happened to be home at the time; and shed shoes and jackets all the way up the stairs leaving a trail of laundry all the way to their door. Meredith hung his tie on the door as a "do not disturb" sign and they'd made love for hours until both were exhausted and breathless.

==FLASHBACK==

She'd felt so powerful when they'd rented the gun and taken it to the range outside, now all she felt was useless and like everything she did would only make his condition worse,' I can't even run my fingers through his hair without meeting the resistance of dried blood or something worse,' her heart sank as she finally let herself assess his condition.

Callie had managed to remove the fragments of bone from the surrounding muscle and was focusing on reconstructing whatever she could salvage so he could walk again, but the prognosis wasn't looking good,' There's too much damage,' she thought to herself as she inserted some silicone implants to try and add some cushion to the broken bones,' Okay, that should reduce friction and replace the bursae that had ruptured,' she added another laproscopic camera for a better view,' Sorry Dr. Shepherd, I don't know how much I can do for this.'

Mark felt dazed as he handed Callie what she asked for and held Derek's leg steady, moving it at different angles when necessary and repositioning cameras. His eyes blurred from threatening tears, which he tried to blink back,' He's never going to walk again,' the thought pained him so much he thought his heart would burst from his chest,' I wish this would have been me and not him.'

Hunt had taken out every suture he'd done previously and had started by giving every wound a quick once over, but he was running out of time," We can't keep him like this much longer," he handed Meredith a box of steri-strips," Use these and we'll let him decide how we proceed once he's conscious," he snapped his gloves off and donned a fresh pair," While he's out I'm taking a look at his head," he parted Derek's hair and began palpating for breaks in the skull," No skull fractures but a lot of cuts and bruises, he hit hard," he slid a hand beneath his neck and continued his exam," Ouch!" he pulled his hand back and almost dropped Derek on the table," He's got...glass in his head?" his glove had torn and a small trickle of his own blood ran down his palm," Grey, finish up and we'll take a look at that back in his room. I'm glad someone didn't think to shave his head or..." he shook the thought away," let's just be grateful."

==FLASHBACK==

His head spun as he felt the drugs taking effect,' I'm helpless if I don't think fast,' he tried to stand and put his hands on his trunk to steady himself. A hand on his shoulder made him jerk around only to have it move to his throat. He staggered sideways around the car,' Ground is better, I can fight if I don't need to focus on balance,' his head was getting fuzzier.

Clark grabbed a handful of his shirt as he tried to duck and slammed him against the side of the car, he heard glass break and realized his head had busted the window. Blood ran down his back and he felt sick. He slumped to his knees and his assailant watched as he fell forward, his mind willed his hands to catch him but they wouldn't move," Ironic isn't it, Shepherd?" Gary turned him over with his foot," Those are the same drugs you gave my wife, but I added some," his foot almost square on his victim's sternum," Hope you're not allergic, I didn't have time to check your chart," he shifted his weight.

Derek heard another crack as one side of his chest gave,' Punctured lung? Three minutes, or a ruptured Occipital lobe,' his mind was still racing,' my vision's blurring,' he started to panic,' Did he just blind me?' his hand searched the ground for a rock or something he could use to get Clark's foot off his chest. His hand felt the razor sharp edge of a shard of glass from the window; he gripped it, not caring that it cut into his palm, and stabbed,' Right into the Soleus,' he thought as he twisted the weapon, drawing a scream from his attacker,' he won't be walking too well after this,' he rolled away from Clark and got to his hands and knees,' Cell phone's in my jacket,' he pulled himself up and into the car over the broken window,' If I can reach it I can call 911,' his fingers grasped the jacket and pulled it towards him,' Got it!' the world rotated and he felt dizzy, his hands shook so bad he could barely punch the numbers on his phone.

Just when he breathed a sigh of relief his right leg gave out underneath him, he fell backwards and landed awkwardly between the gas pump and the ground. His cellphone clattered to the ground just out of his reach and then, the pain hit. His leg felt numb at first and then he realized Clark had kicked his knee from beneath him,' My leg's broken,' he heard laughter above him.

"Nice try," Clark knelt beside him," I have to say, you're a fighter," he plunged the knife into Derek's shoulder, Derek gasped and realized he didn't have enough air in his lungs to even scream," But now I'm going to kill you."

With the last bit of strength he had, Derek gripped the switchblade that was now sticking out of him and pulled. He doubled over a bit to hide his intention, Clark grabbed his shoulder to turn him around and he jabbed the knife into his stomach," I still have s-someone...to live f-for," Clark's eyes grew wide as he looked down. He gasped a bit and fell backwards," Y-you can't take that..." he tried to catch his breath," from me, I told you it wasn't m-my fault," he leaned his back to keep blood flowing correctly and reached for his phone. Clark got to his feet and staggered for his car,' I won,' Derek looked down, his phone looked miles away,' Damn,' he leaned further and almost had it before his strength gave out and he collapsed onto his stomach," Meredith..." he tried to crawl to his phone but even raising his gaze to see it was a struggle. As his vision faded, he heard the squeal of the tires as Clark sped out of the parking lot leaving him alone. He struggled to reach his phone once more, he coughed and tasted blood. He gave up finally as the shock set in that he couldn't get to his phone and even if he did he wouldn't have the dexterity to dial the number," Meredith..." he felt himself losing consciousness," I love you..."

==FLASHBACK==

Mark walked down the hallway towards Derek's room heavy-hearted, he couldn't get the prognosis out of his head,' We'll see how he's doing after a month or two,' the words echoed in his head and there was no changing it,' If he can't perform surgeries he'll lose hope,' he wiped his eyes and bumped into someone.

"Dr. Sloan?" Bailey took hold of his biceps," Are you okay?"

"Ye-No-...Bailey?" he stuttered.

"I headed here as soon as I heard about Dr. Shepherd," she rubbed his arm lightly," yesterday was my day off and..." she looked at the floor," I'm sorry, Mark."

"He's alive..."

"Yeah, and I know how hard this is for you," she offered a half smile," Can I see him?"

"Yeah," Mark nodded," I'm heading there now," the door squeaked open and Mark put his arm in front of Bailey before she could walk in," Miranda," he looked in her eyes," brace yourself, it's bad."

"Okay," she nodded.

Mark found Meredith sitting on the side of the bed cradling Derek's head in her lap and stroking his hair. His eyes were cloed but restless beneath their lids and he was mumbling under his breath," Mark," Meredith looked up.

"Hey Mer, how is he?"

"Even sleep is torture," she wiped his forehead with a cloth from the table.

"Is it okay if I..." Bailey turned as if to leave.

"No, come on in," Meredith put the cloth back on the bedside table.

"How long has he been like this?" Bailey pulled a penlight from her pocket instinctively and lifted one of his eyelids.

"About an hour," Meredith trailed her fingers down his neck," If I stop he starts shaking."

"So what's the prognosis?" Bailey finished checking his pupils and shook her head.

"He's got a forty percent chance," Bailey drew a quick breath," IF he survives the surgeries with no infections."

Derek groaned and buried his head into Meredith's thigh, his hands gripped the sheets and a bead of sweat dripped down his face. His breath came short and quick, his back arched a bit," I didn't...know..."

"Derek, wake up," Meredith rubbed his cheek with her thumb.

"I-I didn't...kill her..." his face twisted in pain.

"Wait this is great!" Mark's eyes lit up.

"What?" Meredith was outraged," How is this..."

"Look!" Sloan pointed," His hands...they work!" Bailey smiled and clasped her hands together," He has a grip!"

Meredith kept rubbing his cheek," Derek, wake up."

"Wait...NO!" Derek's eyes flew open and he tried to sit up.

"Derek," Meredith put a hand on his chest,' Calm down, no one's going to hurt you."

"Mer," he slurred, his body wrought with agony and his nerves shot his stomach heaved again. He propped on an elbow and doubled over the bed, the room still spun and his vision was still unclear. He coughed and prayed he wouldn't vomit, he licked his lips and swallowed hard.

"You okay?" Meredith gently patted his back.

"I...I..." instead of forming a sentence, his stomach wretched up whatever was left in it. Meredith moved her foot and put a hand to her mouth as a mixture of blood and bile hit the floor.

"I'll go get a bio kit," Bailey rushed out of the room," and some Promethazine."

Mark went to the other side of the bed and helped reposition him,' This has almost become a habit now,' Derek's thoughts were jumbled and his face grew hot with embarassment,' How many people am I going to throw up on?' he coughed a bit and clutched at his stomach.

"Derek?" Mark offered," are you okay?"

In too much pain to speak, he nodded slightly and let out a long slow breath to steady himself. He felt weak as a kitten as he lay his head back on Meredith's lap," Mer..." his voice cracked and he nuzzled into her,' She smells so good,' he took in the sweet scent of her perfume and felt his anxiety ease.

Bailey returned with a bio kit and set it on the table, she fished a syringe out of her pocket," Dr. Shepherd," she put her fingers to his jawline to ground herself and steady his head," This stuff stings a bit but it'll take away the nausea."

"Wait...no!" he jumped and threw a hand up, blocking the injection.

"It's just Promethazine," Bailey looked confused.

"Don't take offense," Meredith took his hand and lowered it," Clark gave him a sedative there," she pointed to the raised red whelt on the side of his neck," Here," she held out her hand," Let me," Bailey handed her the syringe and started cleaning the floor.

"I'm sorry, I-I didn't know..."

"It's okay, he's still a bit nervous," she looked down," Derek, can I give you this?" he took a few deep breaths with his eyes closed and nodded," I won't hurt you."

"I know..." his voice shook.

"Just keep looking at me," she scratched the skin surface and pushed the needle in slowly," Good job," she pushed the plunger and withdrew, she felt him relax as she threw the syringe in the sharps container behind the headboard," All over."

"How...how'd it go?" Meredith's touch was velvet on his forehead.

"There were some complications," Mark flipped the chart open," your leg is shattered and you may never regain full function and some scraps of your shirt were found in the lacerations, your diaphragm was punctured which explains the diffculty breathing, and your right shoulder had to be relocated. There may be some permanent damage to your coordination due to a head injury, we're not sure how bad yet; but I've ordered a CT and..."

"What?" Derek shook his head," How permanent?"

"Depends on how well you do in therapy, we're repairing everything we can," Mark's heart sank as he saw the pain register on his friend's face and the tears roll down his face, powerless it was all he could do not to break himself.

* * *

So we have a lot of emotions running around...I must remind my readers to look in the description and note that this is NOT I repeat...NOT! an Addison/Derek story, she's in here for added drama; but I left her out of his first few moments of recovery so she wouldn't ruin it just for you ;) see I do listen.

Hope this one was long enough to last you another day or so, R&R pls :)


	13. Handcuffed and Helpless

The long awaited chapter! Love my fans! Hope this satisfies your hunger. :)

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Chapter 13: Handcuffed and Helpless

Meredith sat on the bed next to Derek, he turned into her and buried his face in her chest. She ran her fingers through his hair," We'll get through this," she promised.

A knock at the door broke the tension that was quickly filling the silence," Derek Shepherd?" Officer Romerro entered the room," I've come back for that statement, and to update you on your current situation," he put a tape recorder on the bedside table," state your name and the date the begin when you're ready," he motioned for everyone to leave.

Meredith thought her heart would burst from her chest,' Tell us you've got your facts straight,' her anger written on her face, she brushed the tears from her love's eyes and kissed his forehead," Be strong," she turned her back to the detective and put a pillow beneath Derek's head," NO matter what happens, I love you," she whispered.

"Now that you've come down off your high, can you tell me your side if this?"

Derek closed his eyes and concentrated,' Emotions off,' he swallowed hard,' I just want to get this over with,' he gripped Meredith's hand.

Mark paced outside," He must have hurt Clark pretty bad."

"I hope so," Owen leaned against the wall," Do you think that cop will be mad we took off the cuff?"

"I'm not really concerned about his feelings, as far as I'm concerned we had a medical reason to take it off and besides that Derek's innocent and there's no reason to cuff him until he's proven otherwise!"

"If I'd have..." Mark put his head in his hands," just followed him home that night..." he dragged them down his face and let them drop at his sides.

"You can't do that to yourself," Hunt shook his head," I know how tough this..."

"You have no idea what I've put him through already!" Mark didn't bother wiping the tears away, instead they fell like raindrops on his scrub shirt.

"That freakin' bastard," Meredith mumbled under her breath as she closed the door behind her.

"What's wrong?" Hunt felt the tension ease in the hallway.

"That damned cop won't let me stay in there," she began chewing at her thumbnail," Says Derek may not feel comfortable talking about the attack with me around."

"He might be thinking of Derek in this, some women are overbearing and..."

"Where's Christina?" Meredith pushed past Owen and Sloan.

Derek grabbed a fistful of the sheets, his palms were sweaty and the room felt like an oven. If he had the strength he'd have thrown the sheets off him, but instead he had to relive every moment of what was surely the worst day of his life. His hands shook and he felt the room spinning, he painfully took a deep breath and began," I got off work around...11? I went to the gas station to fill up, when I got there I was the only one there and the store was closing. I pumped my gas and got back in my car and while I was trying to...to compose myself the car door opened and someone pulled me out."

"Seatbelt on?" the detective spoke up.

"Not yet, I..."

"Okay, continue..."

"He threw me against the gas pump, I almost blacked out and...he told me 'you killed her.' I thought I recognized the voice but I couldn't place it. He kicked me until I rolled onto my back and said 'you murdering bastard'..." the words poured painstakingly from his lips as he struggled not to break,' I wish Meredith were here,' he clenched his eyes to try and block out the tears. Eventually they came anyway, yet the detective was silent and allowed him to maintain as much dignity as he had left. The flashbacks were merciless, yet he kept talking and found he couldn't stop even as he noticed himself losing a grip on reality. He saw the attack replayed over and over as he spilled every grisly detail to the detective that had, only a short while ago, handcuffed him and called him a junkie.

Christina held Meredith and rubbed her back as she sobbed into her shoulder, she remembered how lifeless Derek had looked on her table. Lips blue from blood loss and cracked from dehydration, eyes glassy but wide and darting around the room in fear, shivering from the side effects of the multiple-drug overdose. She was so sure that she'd be doing this exact thing, holding her best friend while she shook with sorrow; but the setting she'd imagined was different, it wasn't the familiar on-call room...instead a funeral. Considering the circumstances, this was a much better reality. She felt the same anger towards the man who had done this, how dare he hurt someone so close to her best friend! Something she'd never really had in life, someone who cared about her even when she was on her worst behavior; and this person's lover was just as kind and someone tries to kill him? Memories of the time spent together flashed through her mind and her tears mingled with Meredith's.

She remembered the soft look in Derek's eyes when she'd come over, unannounced, and barged into their bedroom. He'd been seducing Meredith hoping to get lucky and she'd ruined the moment and possibly his chances for the night; and he'd just patted her on the shoulder and nodded on his way out. He'd been kicked out of his bed and he showed no anger or hostility towards her, he didn't even take it out on her at work.

She remembered being so angry with him when she thought he and Meredith were finished that she'd plotted ways to torture him, but nothing like this. She'd watched as the two of them made up and gotten close again. Addison moved in on Meredith's turf and almost won, she'd damn near lost Derek to that woman. Christina thought on their relationship, the three of them had a relationship; well four if she counted Owen, they were their own family. The only people who truly understood surgeons were other surgeons, she considered herself the richest person in the world because she had them to lean on; and no one was going to take that away from her.  
Addison wanted to scream, cry and hit someone all at the same time; and she wasn't sure which one she wanted to do first. She'd been kicked out of the OR while her ex-husband's new girlfriend operated and comfored the man she loved. Tears threatened to fall and she desperately tried to blink them back, she strode towards Derek's recovery room only to watch the shock register on his face as Mark told him his prognosis. Her heart sank and she had cried uncontrollably for an hour before composing herself enough to come out of the on-call room and face the staff; not to mention the fact that since everyone in the room was crying it meant that the chances of Derek walking away from this were slim to none.

She reached his room and took a deep breath, as she was about to push the door open a hand on her shoulder stopped her," Addison," Mark's voice was hoarse," the police are with him and they aren't lettign anyone in at the moment."

"Is he okay, Mark?" her voice broke up, she licked her lips and looked up at Sloan.

"He's..." Sloan lowered his eyes fro a moment," it's not looking good," his eyes met hers and he put a hand on her cheek," he's got a very slim chance of coming out of this as the same Derek we knew."

"But..." Addison shook her head and went limp as Mark wrapped hsi arms around her," Mark he was...he was fine..." she stuttered between sobs.

"I'm sorry, Addison," he held her close and kissed her forehead," I'm doing everything I can," he scooped her into his arms and went to the nearest vacant room. He sat on the bed and she buried her face into his shoulder, he let his tears mix with hers and the two embraced as if their lives depended upon it. Mark kissed her hair and she looked up at him, tears in her eyes she put a hand on his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

A bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face as he finished his statement, the drugs had definitely owrn off and his muscles spasmed. The detective had finished whatever he was writing, explained the details and left a report. Derek fumbled for the call button as his hands shook with tremors and muscle spasms, his chest hurt so badly with every breath he was close to tears. He managed to push the button and lay his head back onto the sheets,' Forty percent chance, infections, lacerations, therapy, walking, wheelchair...' the prognosis still echoed in his head,' At least they didn't try and lie to me,' a sharp ringing in his ears interrupted his thoughts,' Someone please get in here soon...' flashcbacks once again threatened,' Danger, threat to society, illegal, malpractice, lawsuit, justice, junkie, drug overdose, attack,' the reality of his situation was so much worse than he'd ever imagined. Panic welled in the pit of his stomach and made him nauseous as the room closed in on him,' This can't be happening...'  
Hunt saw the 911 page for Derek's room and raced down the hallway, he grabbed a crash cart off the hall just in case and threw open the door," Derek...you all right?" he was breathing hard and his heart beat against his chest as if it wanted out.

"My..." Derek's eyes were closed and his speech slurred," my head, there's...t-there's something..." the words felt numb and foreign to him.

"It's okay, I was going to examine this before but the cop threw me out," he snapped on gloves and sat Derek upright," there's pieces of glass in the back of your head," he heard a slight gasp then a moan as Shepherd attempted to cathc his breath," I didn't investigate earlier because we weren't sure you'd hold still while we pulled them out, we couldn't fully sedate you and didn't wanna take a chance on pushing them in further."

"S-surgery?" it was more a statment than a question.

"No, I can get these out if you can manage to keep still," Hunt patted his back," I'm sorry if I...I just wanted to..."  
"Owen," Derek interrupted him," I'm alive...thanks to you," he blinked and tried to take small breaths," no...apologies p-please," he could barely comprehend what his friend was saying as if he spoke gibberish. Time seemed to slow to almost a complete stop and suddenly he wasn't sure where he was or how he'd gotten there.

"Okay," Hunt grabbed forceps and a surgical kit off the cart behind him," I can't keep you sitting up, we're going to tget you on your stomach if we can," he lay his supplies on the bedside table," I have to get those out asap and there's no need for an OR, I think you're freaked out enough already," Derek managed a nod," Okay, lay back and get to your right side."

"T-there's a problem with that..." Derek winced as he looked at Owen.

"If you're worried about the pain..." Hunt started.

"No..." Owen heard a metal clank as Derek worked a hand to the edge of the blanket.

"Son of a bitch," Hunt drew a hissed breath as he saw that, once again, Derek was handcuffed; but this time there was only one link of chain between the two cuffs and they didn't lead to the removable part of the bedrail but to the bottom rung that was welded to the fram," I can't even cut through this..."


	14. Screaming in Silence

So sorry I haven't updated in like FOREVER! I hope this will give my fans their "fix" I'm working on the next chapter this week :)

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Chapter 14: Screaming in Silence

Meredith and Christina walked down the hallway with her arms locked into one another," Everything's going to be okay, Mer," she tried to reassure her friend," Owen's one of the best I've ever seen."

"I know, I just...I'm pregnant and if something were to go wrong I'd..."

"Meredith," Christina turned her friend to face her before they went in Shepherd's room," You can't think like that, he 's been stable for almost two hours now."

"Okay," Meredith dried a tear and nodded, she hugged Yang tightly and pushed open the door.

Hunt had raised the head of the bed and was trying to remove the glass with forceps as best he could. Local anesthetics had Derek about as numb as he could get and so far the procedure was going smoothly. He'd almost gotten the first, and highest risk, piece out without a hitch. The door opened," How's it going?" Meredith came over to inspect Owen's work.

"So far so good, just a bit slow," he dropped a second glass shard into a basin.

"How you feel?" she sat in a chair next to the bed facing Derek.

"Been better," he admitted, for the first time in awhile a smile played on his lips. Her heart melted as she felt it light up the room.

"I see that," she sat on her hands as not to be tempted to disrupt Hunt's position.

"Meredith, when do...when will you know," he looked at her stomach," when will you know what it is?"

She smiled," I'm not that pregnant," blushing, she put a hand on her mouth as she giggled," Just a little pregnant."

Christina sat on Meredith's knee for a moment," So we did all right?" she inspected as much as she could from her position.

"Yeah," he almost nodded," you did great."

"You really scared us," she lowered her gaze," I'm sorry about your father."

Derek's expression changed for a brief moment, past memories and pains filled his eyes," Yeah, me too."

"Just a few more," another small plink in the basin," I can't get them all out but the majority are gone."

"That's a relief," Meredith smiled.

"I've scheduled for a therapist to take a look at you today," Christina offered," She's coming from out of town, I got you the best."

"I can't..." he started.

"Finished," Owen put a large gauze pad behind Derek's head as he rolled onto his back," good as new in a few days," he smiled.

"I know it's soon, but she's just assessing your injuries and..." Christina continued.

"I can't..." Derek repeated.

"I know you're still shaken and I know that you probably..."

"No," he interrupted her," this," he lifted his right arm to reveal the shackle," this is what the detective had for me today."

Meredith felt her face flush hot with anger," Wha...why did he?" she started and couldn't seem to get her words out," I'm calling his supervisor."

"Mer, don't," Derek felt sick," Apparently the police are investigating my past drug history and all the surgeries I've performed in the past six months or so..." shock registered on Hunt's face," and because of my position at the time of the attack and my usual job, they figure I have access to any drug I want," he lowered his eyes," I'm a threat to society because Clark says I attacked him, and so far the gas station hasn't submitted the video tape, if there is one, and..." he shut his eyes to try and block it out," once I get therapy and am out of critical care and moved to regular wards, the police will come back and take me to the prison's hospital."

The words hung in the air as his friends tried to comprehend what he'd just said," What if the tape never gets through?" Christina's eyes were wide.

"Then I'm in jail until I go to court," the words hit him like a kick in the gut, as if it was the first time he'd heard them.

"The other inmates will kill you," Hunt gripped the bedrail until his knuckles turned white," you'll be labelled a drug addict and they'll either want drugs from you or your life, or worse..."

"You *can't* go to prison," Meredith stood up," *you* didn't do anything wrong! What the hell happened to 'innocent until proven guilty' huh?"

"Besides it's your word against his right?" Yang added.

"But he says I was in a drug-driven rage and that I attacked him, not the other way around, and my blood work does suggest..."

"I'm going to get Richard," Hunt cleaned up the table," they're not taking you anywhere."

On the other side of town at Seattle General Hospital, another patient was being treated. After a panicked emergency room visit a few nights ago, Gary Clark was getting his medicine and his official discharge papers while hiding his smile, he asked the receptionist," Did they ever find the man who attacked me?" he masked his excitement well, so well the nurse believed him.

"Yes, the police officer told me he was heading to the other hospital to question him," I'm so sorry this happened to you, and to think it was a drugged out doctor, here's your prescriptions and your discharge papers. If you need anything more don't hesitate to come back," she smiled warmly.

"Thank you very much," he folded the papers and put them in his coat pocket,' So Derek survived?' he leaned on his cane as he opened the door to his vehicle,' I might go pay you a visit.'

The chief of medicine was on the phone with the chief of police trying to get some permission to keep Derek at Seattle Grace," He's not a flight risk, I mean the man can't sit upright in bed for more than ten minutes at a time without passing out! He's been kept on sedatives since he's been here so even if he could somehow manage to get out of bed with a broken leg and severe head trauma, he'd be so groggy from the cocktail he was given prior to his stay here and what we have to keep him on now to keep him comfortable; comfortable mind you, not delirious or out of his head, just comfortable..." he paused and listened to the other line," we have him on some Diazepam to keep the tremors down so he doesn't rip his sutures, some IV fluids and very small doses of non-narcotic sedatives as requested. None of the them will show up on a drug test..." Hunt sat in the chair in front of Richard's desk listening in on the conversation," He's handcuffed the the damn bed! He doesn't have the coordination to go to the bathroom alone and you're implying he could pick the lock on the handcuffs and escape?" Hunt sighed and shook his head," Yes, I will take full responsibility if he should somehow turn up missing...thank you, you won't regret this. I'll move him to the private ward of the hospital and if you like you can send officers to check and be sure he's here anytime day or night...Yes sir...yes...thanks again...goodbye," he hung up the phone.

"So the police are letting him stay here then?" Hunt stood.

"Yeah, I've agreed to take the heat if he "escapes" as you probably heard."

"I'll go tell him and Meredith," Owen turned to leave.

"There's one condition," Webber stopped him," the handcuffs stay on and whatever medications we give him can't show up on a drug test, they'll be by with drug tests just about everyday."

"That means when the drugs completely wear off..."

"We can keep him on Diazepam and some anti-anxiety meds; but he has to clear a drug test before we can give him anything narcotic."

"So we give him Narcan right before the drug test?"

"I didn't hear that Dr. Hunt," Webber winked.


	15. Sick and Twisted

You begged me not to keep you waiting...well this time I didn't :)

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Chapter 15: Sick and Twisted

Meredith brushed her fingers along Derek's jawline as she nuzzled into his hair,' Those drugs should be out of him by now, he can finally relax a bit,' she sighed happily as her life began returning to normal. His breathing was normal for the first time since he'd been admitted and the monitor's beep was regular and comforting.

"You know you can go back to work, Mer," he nuzzled into her hair.

"You sure?" she kissed his forehead," Webber said it was..."

"I'm stable now," he wasn't sure if it was the drugs or the fact that jail was no longer on the table," Medically I'll be in recovery a long time," he tried hard to hide the slur in his words,' Meds kicking in again,' he had to convince Meredith to finish out her program," I'll be fine, Mer," he never was a good liar.

"If you're sure, I'll go back on shift tomorrow."

"Too, someone has to be home to take care of the crew and keep the house in order," he tried a laugh and coughed, almost making him sick again.

Soon after Hunt had come and told them the news, he'd given him Xanax to help him sleep for awhile and give some relief to the letdown off the Morphine and Xylocaine. As he'd began drifting to sleep he felt the tension leave his body at last," Love you, Meredith," he said softly into her chest, and as his eyes closed he heard her whisper it back into his ear.

Across town, a plan to interrupt the serenity that finally filled Derek's world once again was being discussed," I think that'll work nicely, you know she'd want her murder avenged," the voice was shaky but backed with anger.

"Ten thousand up front, the other half when the job is done," black glasses hid the cold green eyes behind them," So am I doing him or her?"

"I'll keep in touch, I want him to know what it's like to live like me for awhile. We have to put the threat out before he goes to the pen, make him paranoid and nervous; then once he's in we'll take everything from him," there was a smile playing upon Clark's lips," Once I get everyone thinking he's crazy we'll go for the throat."

"Usually I don't ask questions," the man across the table sipped at his coffee," but this time, I want to know something," Clark nodded," why not a clean hit? Why can't I just go 'visit' him,' he gestured quotations around the word," and get it over with? If you want his death painful I can make that happen for you..."

"He took my wife and my son's mother away," Gary wiped a tear away," he gave the order to murder her and I want him to know what it's like to lose everything he loves in life."

"Sick and twisted," he finished off his coffee," but I like your style," he smiled," You can reach me at this number," he put a card on the table," the password is mousetrap, now about the method of their untimely demise..."

For once when he woke, nightmares and flashbacks weren't threatening him and he didn't jolt upright. He would have stretched a bit if he didn't hurt so much, he turned his head from side to side stretching his neck as much as he could to get rid of the stiffness without arousing discomfort. He saw Meredith passed out on the couch near the door to his room and smiled,' She's so cute when she's asleep, but snores something awful,' he snickered to himself,' if Hunt hadn't given me a Xanax I think she'd have woke me up sooner,' he stifled a laugh, remembering the lines of sutures covering half his body.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, and Meredith's sleep, a woman in a business suit glided into the room," Derek Shepherd?" she looked at a piece of paper in her hand and then up at him.

"Yeah," he sat up a bit and winced," can I help you?"

"I'm Ms. Skylar Breaux," she extended her hand and smiled warmly, Derek looked at her confused," Oh, I'm sorry you never officially met me," she pushed her hair behind her ear," I'm your malpractice attorney."

"Oh," Derek hadn't met her before," nice to meet you."

"I didn't want to disturb you with this legal stuff until you were lucid and stable enough to talk this over," she put her briefcase on the bedside table and opened it," I've discussed this with the police who haven't been very cooperative. I read your statement but without me present you weren't legally required to give one, did you remember the officer telling you this?" Derek shook his head and instantly regretted it," All right, I just have a few things to go over with you and some paperwork. I'm also here to request your medical records so I can prove that you're the victim," she held out a pen and a clipboard.

"Problem," Derek looked down towards his hand, she moved the blanket back and noticed the cuff," my left arm's a bit ummm..."

"Right! Uh, I can take a verbal permission and you can initial it when you regain full function," she picked up the pen and waited.

"Yeah," he licked his lips.

"I can be a witness if you need me to," Meredith had gotten up and was looking over some of the papers," I'll go get his medical file for you too," she smiled at the attorney and went for the files.

"Okay, so I see that they tried to transfer you to a regular ward and you denied, smart move on your part because I'm betting that's what that phone call I received was about. It's the only way I knew you were awake and halfway lucid," she flipped the page," the judge was trying to send you to jail until your trial due to flight risk," she looked him up and down," but I'm quite sure you're going nowhere fast from what I can see. Once I get the full medical report and your work-ups I'm sure I can prove how little he'll have to worry about you being able to run away."

Derek tried to reposition using the cuffed arm for support and slipped a bit, he drew in a hissed breath, shut his eyes and bit his lip,' The drugs...' he coughed,' they've worn off completely, I might be relaxed from the Xanax but there's barely any sedatives left in me,' he did some quick math in his head,' I should have about another hour before this gets to be too much.'

The attorney had stopped scanning her papers to glance at the silent Derek when she heard him gasp," I meant no disrespect Dr. Shepherd! I'm sorry, I haven't looked at your chart at all, there might be a chance you'll recover to one-hundred percent and..." she frantically tried to make up for whatever she'd said wrong with a panicked expression and defensive hands.

Derek shook his head," No," he lay back gently," the drugs...they've worn off," his face flushed.

"Do I need to get you someone who can..."

"Police said no narcotics," his breath came in short small gasps as his body began to 'sober up' to the damages.

"That's not in the papers they gave me! There's no reason to withhold medications unless there is reasonable evidence of your being a drug addict," she flipped through the pages some more.

"They...they don't believe me," he tried to force the pain out of his mind," Clark said I," he winced and tried to catch his breath," I attacked him..."

"That's not right! Your statement clearly says..." she shook her head," Even so, why withhold drugs? That's cruel!"

"Blood test, I have to have a negative," a bead of sweat rolled down his cheek," before they can..."

"Let me make another phone call, I'll get your, Dr. Hunt? I'll get him in here to give you something to at least make you comfortable until I can get the judge on the phone," she put her clipboard in her briefcase and closed it before hurrying out of the room.

She ran into someone on the way out," I'm so sorry, are you a doctor?" she asked looking at the MD behind the name on the lab coat.

"Yes, well I'm an..."

"Grab that cart and come here," Skylar took her by the arm and pulled her into the room," he needs something to at least make him comfortable."

Lexie backed into the room and immediately opened the medicine drawer," Non-narcotic please," she heard the lady behind her as her heels clicked across the floor towards the bed.

"Yes ma'am," Lexie scanned the bottom of the admit sheet and saw there were no drug immediate drug allergies and drew a bit of Acetaminophen," Okay, this should keep him at least..." as she started towards the bed she turned ghostly pale and almost dropped the syringe," Derek!"

Karev had run into Meredith on her way back from the nurses' station," Sorry to hear about Dr. Shepherd, is he okay?" for once he was actually being nice and there was a small hint of concern in his eyes," Webber's got me swamped with patients because you've been away to help with him."

"He's pretty messed up, Alex," Meredith gave him a small smile," but thanks for asking."

"You wanna go grab a coffee from that lil shop across the street?" she started to shake her head," No, I'm not asking you to go on a date, I just see you two over there a lot and I figure if you bring him something he likes it might cheer him up," Meredith's surprise must have shown on her face," My treat?" Karev put an arm around her shoulder," you can have a nurse bring the papers," he handed them to a nurse who was passing them," Bring these to his room and tell him Dr. Grey stepped out for a moment."

Lexi's hands shook,' This is why Meredith didn't return my phone calls,' she put a hand on the bedrail to keep herself steady as she pushed the medicine through the IV port," Derek, I had no idea...What happened to you?"

"Clark..." his heart rate rapidly increasing he felt close to passing out.

"HE did this?" Lexi put a hand on his jawline and turned his head over to check the bandage there," I'm going to check you over if that's okay," he nodded, frustrated that was all he could manage," Okay, just bear with me I'm not as fast as Meredith," after pulling the curtain, she removed the top of the gown from his neck gently and carefully checked everything she could see, then pulled the blanket back and inspected the rest while Ms. Breaux stood behind the curtain. She blushed as she realized the gown was the only thing between him and bare skin as she worked her way from his feet to his stomach," I'm sorry," she apologized as she moved it out of the way, trying her best to keep him draped and covered," if I didn't know you this would probly be..."

"Relax," the pain had subsided enough to be tolerable for a short time, he forced himself to keep a straight face in front of Little Grey," just focus."

"Okay, well you're not bleeding from what I can see," she tried to turn off her embarrassment," Damn Derek, he did all this?" she continued," did you fight back?"

"He drugged me..." shock washed over her and she felt cold," puncture mark...on my neck," she put the blankets back and searched for the needle mark. It didn't take her long to find the bruise towards his jaw.

"He aimed way to high," she immediately went back into doctor-mode.

"I wasn't exactly...holding still."

"Of course not, I..."

"Medical chart's on the table, Dr. Grey had to step out for something," the nurse put the chart down and started to walk out," I hope you feel better, Dr. Shepherd."

"Thanks," he managed.

Lexi disposed of the syringe and drew the curtain back," I just got back from that seminar in...no one called me I'm..."

"Don't...I'm still alive," he faked a smile," I wouldn't have wanted you to miss your seminar for me."

"Doctor..." Ms. Breaux read her name tag," Grey? I'm sorry but I need to finish going over this with Dr. Shepherd would you give us some time, please? I'm not allowed to..."

"Yes, of course I'll come back to visit, Derek," she assured him and almost tripped over the medicine cart as she dragged it out of the room.

Meredith and Alex were sitting at a table outside waiting on their orders," Man, that's rough," Karev crossed his arms and leaned on the table," when I saw him he threw up on my shoes," the two giggled a bit," but seriously, Meredith, I thought I was looking at a dead man when he was admitted."

"Yeah, you're not the only one," she twisted a lock of hair in her fingers," I'm just glad Hunt was around, I mean what are the odds a veteran trauma surgeon just *being* around to take the admit?"

"You're lucky Hunt's that good."

"Yeah, hey I'm going to the ladies' room," she stood," No, you didn't offend me I just realized I haven't been all day," she smiled and patted him on the shoulder as she passed him.

Meredith opened the door to the shop and felt someone hold it for her," Thanks," she waved behind her and continued towards the back. She went around the hall to the womens' room, but even with the stall door locked she had the feeling she was being watched.

"Your medical report suggests you were overdosed when you were admitted and they cannot obtain your medical records quickly enough for their taste so they've ordered a new blood test to help clear you or convict you...either way they feel they can keep their boss off their backs for awhile," Skylar picked up his chart and sat on the couch," I'm gonna look over this real quick, just rest a bit," she pushed a lock of hair out of her eyes," Remember I'm here to help," she smiled devilishly and opened the binder and started leafing through it.

Meredith swore she was getting paranoid as she opened the door to the bathroom and walked out with her hand on the taser in her purse. She walked briskly towards the lobby, and picked up her order from the counter as her nerves settled. She took a deep breath and composed herself, she glanced around as she put some sugar and creamer in a bag and saw him. Her heart leapt into her throat as she recognized a shabby Clark sitting at a table with a man in a leather jacket with his back to the windows. She grabbed Alex by the arm once outside," We gotta go," her voice shaky with fear.

"You okay?" Karev stood and stumbled behind her.

"He's here..." she almost dropped the coffees.

"Who's..."

"Clark!" she said hoarsely," He's here, Alex! I have to get back to Derek, now!"

"You're probably just seeing things, I mean doesn't Derek have a restraining order on him?" Karev had an arm around her shoulder to hide the fact she was shaking from the rest of the people at Seattle Grace," Besides you'll think you see him everywhere for awhile, Lexi has PTSD and..."

"See who?" Mark looked like he had finally gotten some sleep as he came out of the on-call room.

"Clark...I thought I saw him at the coffee shop and..."

"You saw him?" rage filled Mark's eyes and he clenched his fists," Where is he?" 


	16. Visiting Hours

New chapter up, you can thank my best friend who's demanding more :)

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Chapter 16: Visiting Hours

Derek's hour was up, the Morphine, Valium and everything else keeping him calm and sedated was gone. He was glad Meredith had stepped out,' I can't stand her to see me like this,' the attorney was doing her best not to stare at him, she was clearly accustomed to being in the room with a patient in pain. She offered to get him a drink or something to eat, which he refused, but was grateful she hadn't made a big deal of it. His head pounded and his chest felt like a weight was crushing him, walls seemed to get closer and warp around the edges from his eyes watering. He tried to do what he'd always told his patients to do and breath as normal as possible and try to control their heart rates; but it was proving quite difficult as he felt every surgical site and suture throb,' I'm worse than I thought,' the edges of his vision blurred,' forty percent was probably an optimistic outlook,' he felt dizzy and his stomach did a flip,' It's been three days, drug overdose had to be let down slowly,' he calculated,' they'd have to have me on similar drugs to keep me from completely crashing and just didn't tell me,' he felt all the energy drain from his body,' I'm either about to pass out or throw up...'

Mark's first priority was Derek, he ran up the stairs to the catwalk and into the ICU. He opened the door and tears involuntarily rolled down his face when he saw his friend still there, his eyes were closed and he was breathing hard as if he was having another bad dream. Mark went to his bed and took Derek's hand, squeezing his fingers gently," Derek," his voice was choked," Hey Derek, wake up it's only a dream..."

Derek was aware of someone squeezing his fingers, but his focus was on keeping his stomach in its proper place. He breathed through his nose and grit his teeth fighting off the nausea, the wave finally passed and he was sure he heard someone talking. He recognized the voice and was so relieved to have Sloan there he opened his eyes and started to tell him how happy he was to see him. Instead of speaking he coughed and dry heaved," Derek, you all right?" Mark grabbed a basin and held it under Derek's chin," It's just a dream, those anxiety meds not workin' right?"

"They've taken him off all medications for a drug test, the guy should be here any minute," Skylar was on the other side of the bed holding the other end of the basin," I'm Skylar Breaux, his attorney."

"Nice to meet you, I'm going to take a swing at whoever ordered this," he turned towards Derek," Can you hear me?" Derek nodded and turned away from the basin," I'm drawing the blood sample myself."

"There's a wait limit on that, we have to wait another half hour before we can get an accurate sample with zero meds in it," Skylar warned him," not my rules, I don't like this anymore than you do," she put a cloth on Shepherd's forehead," he's been like this for awhile, I've done everything I can think of to help but there's only so much I can do."

"You're my witness and I'm getting a sample kit, either that or I take this half hour and go visit the person who ordered this nonsense!" he gave Derek's fingers one last squeeze," Don't worry I'll get you the good stuff once I get that sample."

Sloan ran into Hunt on the way out," I thought you were going to keep him sedated and then give him Narcan before the blood test," he grabbed Hunt's arm and pulled him to the supply closet.

"I was but that attorney hasn't left at all, I couldn't let her see me giving him meds or she'd legally have to say something."

"I'm drawing his sample now, you wanna help?" Mark grabbed a kit and was about to head back to Derek's room," Pull up some Morphine and Promethazine for after this test, and hell give him some more Xanax while you're at it."

"They have to test the blood and it come back negative first, I can test it myself but if she's there I can't drug him," Hunt held the closet door shut," Here's how we do it, we'll say he's gotta have a cath cleaning or something and she has to leave, we'll get the sample and sedate him. Tell her he passed out and I'll stay with him, you take her with you to test the blood so it'll be legit and there'll be a witness and when you come back I'll give him Promethazine instead of a sedative so she'll think I'm sedating him then and not now."

"How do you think of this stuff so fast?" Mark smiled.

"Military teaches more than medicine."

Derek was barely conscious and losing a grip on his surroundings, the cool pack felt good against his head and was his only comfort," Merrrdith?" he slurred.

"No I'm Ms. Breaux, those two doctors are going to take your blood and once it's tested we might be able to make you comfortable again," she patted his neck and chest with the cloth trying to wipe away sweat.

"Mer...I don't...I don't wanna die..."

"It's going to be okay, hun," Skylar had tears in her eyes, tears of anger at the judge who'd approved this ridiculous order and at the lab tech for being late. His eyes we half closed and mostly white showing, he kept mumbling as if trying to come out of a dream.

"Okay, we have a few minutes before the test," Hunt walked in with Sloan, who was dragging a supply cart," since he's delirious and usually this would embarass the hell out of him, we're going to use this time to do some peri-care," she looked confused," Perineal care?" still confused," Ummm...we're cleaning some parts of him that the two of you don't share and the three of us do..."

"Oh! I'll...I'll wait outside then," a very red Skylar hurried out of the room.

Once they'd heard the door click shut, they closed the curtain," Derek, hey we're gonna draw some blood and then I can give you this," Hunt took a syringe out of his pocket," you have to hold as still as you can."

"His muscles are jumping, I can't get a good stick," Sloan wedged a towel beneath Derek's elbow and pulled the tourniquet tight," How do these people expect us to draw blood from someone who's muscle spasms are so bad they could break the needle?"

"Talk to him," Hunt gloved and took the canula, he set it on the sterile field Sloan created on the bedside table and pulled a restraint from below the bed," This won't be on there long, he might freak out a little so have that Morphine ready," he slipped the restraint under Derek's bicep," Ready?" Sloan nodded and Hunt pulled it tight.

A few panicked seconds later he found a vein and began filling the two vials with blood," I got it, needle's out push the morphine. I got the strongest dose I could find on short notice so it should work relatively fast," Mark had a hand holding Derek's right arm still and used the other to find the port's hub, he pushed the meds one-handed and counted seconds on the clock painfully as he felt spasms beneath him. In ten seconds they stopped and Derek was finally still," Good," discard that syringe and let's change some of those bandages, they need done anyway."

"Meredith saw Clark at the coffee shop," Mark said as he packed gauze into one of the nastier stab wounds.

"Is she just seeing things or did someone else see him too?"

"No, she was with, Alex and you know how dingy that guy can be..."

"She's probably still so nervous, I'd be seeing him too," Owen tried to push the thought of Clark getting to Meredith out of his head," Don't tell him that or all the sedatives in the world won't keep him here."

Meredith sat in the on-call room's bed with Christina and Lexi," I'm sure it was him, I mean I think it was him," she shook her head," he was unshaved and had some other man with him in a leather jacket."

"Meredith, it sounds like PTSD," Lexi put a hand on her sister's," I know it seems so real you can almost feel it; but I learned the hard way. You know I'm still in shock a bit and I see that therapist once a week and have been for a long time now."

"It just looked so much like him," she curled up between her two friends and let herself cry," I just had to go check on him, the drugs have almost worn off and I wanted to be there but I don't want him to see me cry, he's already so nervous and so am I..."

"I'll take you home after they get his blood work back, once it comes back they'll sedate him pretty heavily for the night," Yang rubbed Meredith's shoulder.

"Thanks Christina."

Callie was busy preparing her treatment regimen for the rest of Derek's recovery," I can probly do another laproscopy in about a month to see how things are healing up if the x-rays look good next week," she chewed on the end of her pen as Arizona rubbed her shoulders," Thanks for understanding."

"If it was anyone else I wouldn't be here..." she kissed Callie's forehead," he's done some favors for me, this is the least I can do for him."

Derek fell into his dreams, frantic and sporadic yet tranquil and hellish all at the same time. Memories flooded his brain and he was sure he was dying and this was his life flashing before his eyes. He just wondered why it hurt so much, it felt like someone had taken all the blankets and turned the air conditioner on full blast. He shivered and felt the tension return, he tried to wake up and found himself unable to move,' Someone's here..."

"I'm easing him out a bit, the loading dose should have taken full..." Owen stopped mid-sentence as Derek mumbled something," he's pyrexic again," he set the IV sedatives lower to bring him around.

"Owen," Derek found his voice," where am I?" his eyes opened slowly," Am I...dead?"

"No, you're not dead," Sloan patted his face with the compress," just a bit feverish."

"Mer..."

"Should I get her?" Sloan asked.

"No...tesssst, neg'tive?"

"Yeah, it was negative," Owen smiled at Mark," I think that Morphine's kicking in," he said quietly.

"Yeah, Meredith's shift is on the other floor tomorrow so she can keep focused on medicine, she's finishing her charting and then she said she was going to come see you before she goes home," Mark smiled and breathed a sigh of relief," I'll go get her before you go to sleep on us."

Meredith was exhausted but felt her energy return when she saw Derek, who was still and peaceful again," Derek?" she dried her eyes again," Hey honey, I'm taking your advice and going home for the night," she paused," unless you want me to stay here?"

He smiled drunkenly," No Mer, go get shom resst."

"He'll be asleep within the hour," Mark put and arm around Meredith.

"Okay, I love you," she kissed his lips and rubbed noses with him before letting Christina lead her to the car.

"I'm on night shift, man, I'll be in the room next to you if you need anything just push the button I have the pager for your room but I need a real bed for the night or my back's never going to feel right again," Mark chuckled and patted his hand," do you need anything else?" Derek shook his head, Sloan gave him one last dose before turning out the main lights and leaving.

Derek lay alone in the dark with a relaxed high feeling, his eyelids were heavy but he was enjoying the feeling too much to sleep. He wiggled his fingers on his left hand and though they were tingly and half numb he was happy to find they were responsive at least. He smiled and looked out the window at the moon, which was blurred due to the drugs but for once he was grateful to be half out of his head if it meant the pain would stop. He sighed and got comfortable on his pillow and let himself drift to sleep.

A light cut through the darkness, he squinted and assumed the night shift nurses were making rounds,' Clock says...' he couldn't read the numbers but the hands implied around three am,' Nurses shouldn't be around until five...' he closed his eyes and turned his head away from the light,' I might be reading that wrong.'

"Shepherd?" a horrifyingly familiar voice haunted the room.

'I'm hallucinating...I have to be,' the sedatives suddenly weren't so friendly, he froze,' I'm cuffed still, he fumbled for the call light as the light faded and the door clicked shut.

"Looking for this?" the light flicked on and his fear was confirmed.

"Clark?" he still held onto the hallucination belief.

"Looks like someone did a good job of patching you up," Gary took the top of the blanket in two fingers and slid it back slowly. Derek's breath hitched,' There's no way I can fight back,' he tried to respond and found his body was limp and useless,' Dammit!' he closed his eyes and tested his hallucination fantasy once more.

"I'm not gonna kill you yet," Clark grabbed his jaw and turned his head in towards him," Quite a bruise, and they still believe you're guilty as hell? I wanted to pay you a visit before they sent you to jail," the voice was definitely his, but the light was behind him and in Derek's eyes so he couldn't get a look at his face.

"What doyouuu wannts...?" his words still slurred from the meds.

"In time...for now," he untied the shoulder ties of the gown Derek was wearing and gripped the neck of it," let's relive a few memories," he flung the fabric down, it stopped right before the blanket did, about an inch below his navel and exposing every grisly reminder of their previous meeting. As the frigid air hit his body, he couldn't help but shudder," I wonder how good those drugs are they have you on," Derek had never felt more powerless his left arm useless and his right cuffed he tried to lift his right one anyway, but it merely jerked upright a bit and made the chain rattle against the metal," This one looks pretty big," Clark peeled up the edge of the tape and pulled a bit. Derek used this opportunity to try and get Sloan's attention through the wall, even though he was too drugged to feel the full blunt of the pain he yelled. It was quickly stifled as a hand was roughly clamped over his mouth and nose," Not that good I'm guessing," he reached into his pocket," this should keep you quiet for a few minutes," he pulled out a syringe," but if I push the whole thing you'll be back at square one again."

Derek regretted the attempt to get help immediately, his body wouldn't respond no matter how hard he tried to get it to. Clark put the capped syringe on his chest and used the other hand to smack the bandage on his forehead just hard enough to disorient him further, he uncapped the needle and pushed it in the port," hopefully this'll shut you up for long enough," he glanced at the clock," half an hour before I gotta leave," he pushed about a quarter of the liquid in the syringe and waited.

Derek felt the drugs hit, the room spun so fast he thought he'd be sick and his chest tightened, it became increasingly hard to breath as his heart rate climbed and the monitor buzzed. He felt like his body was gone and he'd left it somewhere else, then his side started to burn. The drugs were too strong, his eyelids drooped and he struggled to hold them open. He felt a surge of energy that made his entire body spasm as Gary pushed the remaining liquid from the syringe into the port. It burned like he'd put liquid fire in his veins, but the more he protested the worse he felt, he was fighting a losing battle as his body gave in and his vision faded to black.

Derek woke and he tried to sit up to prove to himself that the night before was just a dream, only to realize he couldn't move, he strained against whatever held him until he was so exhausted and his body felt frostbitten. He gasped for air, panicking that his visit from last night wasn't over and he'd just woke up to more.

"Derek!" Hunt and Sloan were trying to keep him still and resorted to restraints when he'd refused to snap out of it," Night terror," Owen went to the cart and drew up Diazepam," I got them after I came home, only difference is I didn't have sutures holding me together like Frankenstein and Charlie was across the ocean."

"Is it the meds we gave him?" Mark was almost hysterical, he wrung his hands as wave after wave of convulsions hit Derek.

"No, it's PTSD," Owen pushed the Valium.

"He's still seizing," Mark ran his hands through his hair.

"Give it a minute," he threw away the syringe," he'll come out of it soon."

"He's drenched in sweat," Sloan grabbed gloves," did he tear through something?"

"Check to be sure," Owen snapped on gloves as well and began checking Derek over.

"Blood here," Mark peeled the bandage off," looks like they ripped right through, we're just gonna have to sedate him heavier."

"Mark," Shepherd shook his head as if to clear it.

"Derek..." he moved near his head so he was in view," have a flashback?"

"He's back...you..." he coughed," you didn't come."

"No one's here but me and Owen," Mark ran his fingers over the dressing on his forehead.

"No...he was...here," he felt dizzy.

"You were alone all night."

"Why can't...I move?" he tried to lift his head and the room spun.

"We came in this morning when we heard you screaming, you were having a flashback," Hunt taped a temporary dressing on his side," you ripped through a set of sutures so we restrained you."

"You feel better now?" Mark put a hand on his chest.

Derek's mind raced as he fought the drugs, but he nodded anyway. Once he was free he tried to sit up again and got the same result, the room spun and he felt like he'd pass out. Despite how he felt, his stomach heaved and he doubled over and threw up, Owen caught him and allowed Derek to put his full weight on him. He nodded to Mark who was beside himself with worry and mouthed 'this is normal'.

"Need to check your back for torn sutures too, so stay there for a minute," Sloan started his examination.

"Derek, you'll learn to control those flashbacks with practice."

"Not a...flashback," he winced.

"I know they feel real but..."

"He was here," he protested.

"Klonopin," Hunt whispered as he opened the suture kit.

"You don't believe me?" Derek hadn't heard them over the noise apparently.

"Did Meredith tell you something to upset you yesterday?" Mark drew the medicine and put a hand on Shepherd's arm to steady himself.

This time a real flashback hit him and Derek jerked away from Sloan's touch," Don't..." he exclaimed," he drugged me."

"Regression," Hunt was setting up a sterile field and laying out his instruments," push it."

"Derek he drugged you four days ago, it's out of your system by..."

"N-no he drugged me last night," he looked at Mark and his features were distorted,' He gave me a hallucinogen,' a thousand drugs ran through his head," What's in that?"

"Klonopin...why?"  
"Reacts to Phenobarbital and sedatives if they were given in large doses, please you've," Hunt took the syringe from Mark and stuck it in the port," you've gotta believe me!"

"Derek, you're having an anxiety attack," Hunt pushed the med," there are fifty milligrams in this syringe, I need you calm if I'm going to stitch you up before you bleed anymore."

The room spun again and his vision blurred as he struggled to stay conscious," He wasshh heree..." his breathing slowed and his heart rate dropped dangerously low before slowly creeping up to the minimum safety level.

"I'm stitching this up for now, then we have to get him on something to stop these hallucinations," Owen re-gloved and began suturing the tear.

Once his vitals stabilized Hunt and Sloan stepped outside," Thorazine would do it," Hunt leaned against a wall and looked into Derek's room through the window.

"How did the ties on that gown come loose?" Mark put his hand on his chin in thought.

"I'm not sure, but watching it happen to him is like reliving all my nightmares at once," he rubbed the back of his neck," I'd have given anything for someone to do to me what I just did to him."

"He was doing so well though."

"Let's get some details out of him, if they're too out there or don't make sense we'll add Thorazine, but we have to be careful now...he's got a raging fever," Owen balled his hands into fists," I gave him acetaminophen for it but if it doesn't break we won't be able to give him anything for those flashbacks."


	17. Requiem

Will you hate me if I leave you hanging?

* * *

Chapter 17: Requiem

"Merrr..." his speech was slurred from the drugs and his breathing shallow.

"Should we get Meredith?" Owen crossed his arms and shrugged his shoulders.

"If he's asking for her..." Mark flipped through the chart one last time," I can't find one thing he's allergic to that he's been given, in fact the only thing he's allergic to is Sulfa-Drugs," he scratched his neck," I think we should ask about last night before we get Meredith since she was convinced she'd seen Clark yesterday."

"True, I didn't think about that."

"Lower the drip rate, bring him up slowly," Mark nodded and adjusted the machine's rate.

"Derek," Hunt patted his face to rouse him," need you to wake up now," his eyes fluttered," I need you to tell me you saw last night."

"You won't," he stretched his neck and looked away," believe me."

"I just don't know how he'd have gotten in here past me and Mark," Owen turned Derek to face him," I don't doubt you, I just know how real my flashbacks are. You need to tell me what happened."

"Merrr..."

"Derek, focus," Owen pulled up a chair," was there anything strange about him?"

'Neither of them believe me,' he felt his senses returning to normal,' If I try and tell them what happened they'll just sedate me and call a shrink,' he closed his eyes,' What the hell do I do now?'

Meredith had returned to her work and was waiting on an ambulance to arrive, all she could think about was how Derek was doing and if he was all right without her. Yang, Karev and Bailey stood around her but it was as if they weren't there at all.

"Have you been to see him today?" Bailey adjusted her sleeves.

"Derek? Ummmm...no, he told me to go back to work this morning and I've been charting since four A.M. and I thought I was going to go crazy," Meredith smiled," I'm having lunch with him though."

The ambulance rolled up, the doors flew open and three paramedics hopped out," White caucasian male, age thirty seven, head trauma and several lacerations, patient appears to be in shock has no known allergies we started him on fluids and pushed some morphine but he's not responding well to it," the gurney's wheels hit the pavement rolling with a clank.

"Take it, Mer," Bailey jumped in the back of the ambulance, pulling Yang with her, and started chest compressions on the patient who was coding on the other gurney.

Karev and Grey ran down the hallway towards the ER," I need an OR stat!" Karev yelled to the nurse," I'm in Trauma One prepping him!" there were small metal rods protruding at all angles all over his body," This guy his a rebar truck?"

Once in the trauma room, Karev unbuckled the gurney and he and Meredith transferred the patient onto the table. The man was struggling and trying to get up," Sir, you're gonna have to lay still," Karev motioned to Grey," Hold him for a sec."

"Ok," Meredith leaned across his chest and pinned his wrists to keep him still," Hurry with that Morphine," she put her full weight on top of the table and her feet barely tiptoed the ground," he's strong," she grunted,' Like Derek,' cold washed up her body as she remembered walking into the OR and seeing Derek on the table, Mark and Hunt doing the same thing she was now. She looked into her patient's eyes and saw the same thing she saw in Derek's that day, fear. Suddenly his arm broke free of her grip, slightly unaware she didn't have time to dodge. He raised his hand to hit her and Karev caught it," Meredith, the syringe on the counter!" Alex stood at the head of the bed and pushed the man's wrists to the table," Push it!"

Meredith fell backwards, she crawled to the cabinets and used them to stable herself as she stood, the screams in the room were mind-numbing," MEREDITH!" Karev yelled, still dazed she managed to find the IV port and administered the meds.

"Got it," she grabbed her patient's ankles and held on hard until he stopped struggling," Sorry, he was too strong."

"It's okay, I should have had you draw up the meds," Alex re-gloved," forget the OR I think we can get these out if he's still," he gestured towards the man's head," I'm pretty sure that'll keep him out for awhile."

She tried to turn off the memories as she cleaned and sutured the wounds shut, she kept hearing Derek scream and seeing him strapped down and fighting the entire three hours.

"He may have remembered it was only a dream," Owen and Hunt sat in the exam room across the hall from Derek's room,' that's why he might not be able to tell us what happened, because it was a dream that he can no longer remember."

"Hey," Webber knocked on the door," everything okay?"

"Come on in, Chief," Hunt passed him Shepherd's chart," We went into his room this morning when we heard him screaming thinking he was having another flashback, he says Gary Clark drugged him last night."

"What do you have him on?" Richard sat down on the table and lay the chart on his lap," Is it strong enough to supress that?"

"Depends on how he's feeling, Morphine and Tramadol for pain, Diazepam and Klonopin for the anxiety," Mark counted the drugs on his fingers," I mean we've put a few doses of some other drugs in there to see if they'd work better but that's only when the Morphine starts to make him sick and the Promethazine won't knock out the nausea."

"How about an antipsychotic until this calms down?" Webber pointed to a spot on the chart," Says here we've been giving him trace amounts of drugs with antipsychotic properties so he wouldn't have too rough a time when he came off of the drugs Clark gave him; but we stopped cold turkey when a negative blood test was required."

"Thorazine would be the mildest but the most effective," Hunt jotted a note in the chart and signed off.

Meredith escaped to a supply closet, the same one that Derek had found her in while she was having a panic attack. She sank to the floor and wished he was well enough to come hold a paper bag over her mouth and pet her hair while she cried.

==FLASHBACK==

"Even breaths, Mer," Derek put a hand on her shoulder.

"I don't...I can't..." she panted and rocked back and forth." I don't want my mother to die alone..."

"Just slow down, shhhhh," Derek held her close," slow deep breaths, Mer."

"I can't..."

"Here," he stood and grabbed a paper bag off the shelf," Breathe Mer, you're ok," she nodded," You're okay."

==END FLASHBACK==

Derek's world was hazy and his thoughts seemed to be the only thing that hadn't slowed down; but they no longer produced the adrenaline usually associated with them. The room seemed to twist in odd angles that made him feel like he was about to fall. He couldn't move, couldn't respond, and could barely keep his eyes open. Even though he was still awake his eyes wouldn't focus on anything so his view was a blurry mass of unrecognizable shapes,' If Clark comes back and drugs me while I'm like this it'll kill me,' he knew he should be terrified at this thought; but half his brain was hibernating. His lips were dry and cracked, his tongue too heavy to sate their burn. He heard the door click open and would have panicked if possible, instead he just felt sick.

"Derek..." he heard his name,"...give you some..." bits and pieces of the sentence were muffled or missing,"...keep the edge off..." the voice continued.

'Who is that?' his mind searched for the face that went with the voice,' Edge? What edge? My vitals are barely holding up,' he felt his throat squeeze tight,' I can barely breathe on this stuff.'

"I think some..." the voice was back and a face was beginning to form in his mind,"...can't have you tearing through your sutu..."

'Richard?' he shook his head to try and eradicate the drug-induced haze,' He's trying to drug me more?'

"Thorazine is the..." Derek froze.

==FLASHBACK==

Knife at his throat, Derek was trying not to imagine all the veins and arterioles that it would sever if Clark drug it across his neck," You don't want to..."

"I don't huh?" Clark lengthened the previous gash he'd made near Shepherd's throat in an attempt to keep him still," It's either this or you're just plain dead," he put more weight on the car door as he took his hand off. He pulled the cap to the syringe off with his teeth," You might call this Thorazine and Secobarbital, but that wouldn't be right," terror washed over Derek and his entire body went cold, Clark had a syringe filled as full as it would allow," but my friend calls this the 'Zombie's Cocktail' I thought about a Morphine and Epinephrine mix but the Morphine would block out most of your pain receptors and you might pass out on me."

==END FLASHBACK==

"N-no Thorzzziinne..." his brain told his body to sit up; instead he managed to fumble for the bedrail and lift his head a bit, although not entirely off the pillow.

==FLASHBACK==

Clark uncapped the needle and pushed it in the port," hopefully this'll shut you up for long enough," he glanced at the clock," half an hour before I gotta leave," he pushed about a quarter of the liquid in the syringe and waited.  
Derek felt the drugs hit, the room spun so fast he thought he'd be sick and his chest tightened, it became increasingly hard to breath as his heart rate climbed and the monitor buzzed. He felt like his body was gone and he'd left it somewhere else, then his side started to burn. The drugs were too strong, his eyelids drooped and he struggled to hold them open. He felt a surge of energy that made his entire body spasm as Gary pushed the remaining liquid from the syringe into the port. It burned like he'd put liquid fire in his veins, but the more he protested the worse he felt, he was fighting a losing battle as his body gave in and his vision faded to black.  
==END FLASHBACK==

'Thorazine?' he remembered the chills and muscle spasms. Derek told his mouth to say 'Clark gave me Thorazine last night, anymore might stop my heart!' but all that managed to come out was," Clark...lassstt niggghhh...sshhtopp," the defeated look that crossed his face was killing Mark.

"Wait," Hunt grasped his hand," Derek, squeeze," he instructed, no response," hold onto my fingers and don't let your arm drop," he picked up Shepherd's arm and formed his fingers in a fist around his own. His hand landed back on the blanket with a small thump," His heart rate went up, his hands are cold and clammy, he shouldn't be awake after that last dose let alone form a coherent thought!" Owen's eyes grew wide," Can't fake that, he's still freaking out even though that dose should have taken all that away."

"He's been through a lot," Webber put his hands in his pockets," I'd be freaked out too."

"No! Tranquilizers always took my flashbacks away," Hunt sat on the mattress," Either you're resistant as hell to drugs or this happened."

"Do you think someone's dressing up as Clark to scare him?" anger tainted Mark's voice.

"I'm telling you, from his chart," Richard pointed to the page," Thorazine withdrawals will cause this kind of delirium."

"I have to hold off anyway," Hunt grabbed a cloth off the bedside table," his fever's gone up too high to give more meds," he patted the sweat from Derek's face.

He heard the door open again and a distant and muffled voice speak, he thought he recognized it as Meredith's but wasn't sure. A breath of relief washed over him, followed by immediate shame when he saw she was holding towels,' At least I was too drugged to fully remember the last time she did this,' his mind rolled back under the meds and he felt like he was falling again.

"Those bandages need changed, Owen you helping me?" Meredith draped a towel over Derek's chest as she removed the blanket underneath it," Why's he so sweaty?"

"Yeah, I'll stay," Hunt started washing his hands," he's got a nasty fever and a few of those sutures aren't looking too good, we might need to drain some fluid out of them."

'If I'm hearing this right,' he thought,' lunch with Mer won't be as enjoyable as I hoped,' he searched the blurs in the room to find her.

"Derek?" Meredith wiped a cool cloth across his face," What do you have him on?" she turned to Owen.

"He had a rough night, he's pretty heavily sedated," Mark picked up his lab coat," I'm off for a shower myself, I have surgery in three hours," he rubbed Derek's arm lightly," I'll come back and give you details after I'm finished."

Derek told his head to nod and as usual it didn't listen, it simply lolled to the side," Back tonniiggghhhhtss..." it hurt to speak again and he felt spit drip down his chin, Meredith wiped it away as if it were normal,' My future wife is wiping drool off me now,' if he hadn't been burning with fever he'd have blushed,' This can't be good for the honeymoon.'

Hunt peeled surgical tape off Derek's chest, he frowned his gaze met Meredith's. The sutures in his shoulder were swollen and had red spidery veins of infection snaking outward, Hunt swore and bit his lip," Let's take care of this while he's too sedated to remember," Meredith nodded and rinsed out the cloth.

"Re-suture?" she grabbed a pair of gloves.

"Not sure," Hunt left the bottom of the dressing on to use as a catch to keep the infection from spreading, he snipped the first suture and the wound immediately opened. Several more stitches came loose on their own and a yellow reddish liquid drained from the opening.

"How did it get like this?" Meredith cleaned the area around Hunt's hands.

"There's still debris inside him," he nodded to the cart," get a tubing kit."

Derek heard plastic rustling, almost completely unaware of what was going on,' What the hell are they doing?' he could see a blue blur in front of him that had to be Meredith's scrubs,' Too small to be Mark,' he blinked and tried to force his eyes to focus without success.

"I'm not suturing this again until it looks better," Hunt pressed steri-strips over the opening," This goes through to his back, don't forget to take those stitches out."

"Owen, we might have bigger issues," Meredith had disposed of the mess they'd used to clean his shoulder up with," That's not the only one we're going to have an issue with," she had cut the bandage covering his stomach and found at least three more infected areas," Here's the cause of the fever," tears filled her eyes.

"Meredith, we expected this," at least his body's fighting it," Hunt snipped more sutures.

Derek heard a sniffle he knew could only belong to Meredith,' Don't cry, Mer,' then the smell hit him,' What the hell is that?' shapes still twisted in front of him and it was so hard to think,' It's like...' he searched his brain,' infection?' with disgust he realized that was coming from him. He felt something stab at his stomach and flinched, the words 'it's okay' and 'gonna fix this' echoed in his ears as Meredith tried to reassure him.

Owen put temp-tape over the openings where the sutures had been," Derek just bear with us for a few more minutes," he pulled the sheet over his chest and started on his thigh," Meredith," he whispered," Do you want me to..." he pointed to the drape covering Derek's groin.

"Yeah," she wiped her eyes on her shoulder," If you wouldn't...I mean it's not that..."

"It's okay," Hunt smiled," trade spots with me and take over his leg, Callie's supposed to come by and see how it's healing," he ungloved and rewashed his hands before trading spots with her," I don't think you'd want her seeing him like that or doing his peri-care herself."

"No...I just..."

"Don't beat yourself up about it," Hunt wrung out a cloth," If this was Christina I'd want you doing this for her too."

Derek was almost too high to feel violated but he still managed,' What's happening to me?' his eyelids fell closed,' Am I dreaming? Do they know I'm awake?' he felt his body drift, like he was in a pool,' he shivered,' I wish I could tell them to turn on some heat, or give me warming fluids,' he tried to speak and failed,' How the hell am I going to perform surgeries like this?'

Downstairs, Mark was heading to the OR to make sure someone had prepared it when he ran into someone," I'm sorry," he almost felt dead, but he couldn't just sit and wait around he had to keep busy. He had to fix *something*, since he couldn't fix Derek.

"Mark?" Addison gripped his shoulders," I've been in the NICU with these twins who were conjoined at the arm all night," her features were haunted and her eyes black underneath from sleep deprivation," How's Derek?"

"Not good," Mark put his hand on his head," he's..." a tear slid down his face, which he quickly wiped away," he's so sedated that 'stoned' doesn't even begin to describe it, it's the only thing we can do to keep him comfortable and from opening anything that's trying to heal..."

"God, what do they have him on?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Addy," he put his hands up.

"Mark, I know things aren't..." she stopped," I shouldn't have kissed you, Lexi's good for..."

"Addison, I'm a bit more worried about Derek," he embraced her," I don't regret kissing you, I just...I couldn't," he paused," perform, if you know what I mean, with everything going on."

"Mark, I just wanted to forget..."

"I know, I didn't tell anyone," he tried for a smile," I still look fondly on our memories."

"I do too, I'll update you if I get anything new," she pulled out a notepad," What OR do you have?"

"Extension five eight three," he turned to walk away," Addy, don't talk about the attack, he's been having some pretty bad flashbacks."

"Ok, I just want to see him."

Derek's thoughts were still cloudy but sobering a bit, he barely felt someone touching his right arm,' They already washed and dried that area...' his mind went blank,' what are they doing now?'

As if he could read his mind, Hunt's blurred face appeared in his vision," Derek? we're moving the IV site," Derek's head reeled," I'm giving you a loading dose before we take out the canula, we're adding a morphine pump so you won't have to ask for meds."

'I didn't ask for meds to begin with,' Derek felt a bit of strength returning,' So I'm doing better if they're allowing me to manage my meds,' he stopped in mid thought as he felt the needle leave his skin,' either that or they know something I don't,' from the worried look he could make out on Hunt's face, he was betting on the latter. 


	18. Problems with Pyrexia

Really lovin' this feedback, :) keeps me writing, sending a thanks to all my fans!  
Things getting bad for Meredith and Derek in this chapter but hang in there with me, promise  
But it'll get worse before it gets better...

* * *

Chapter 18: The Problems with Pyrexia

Hunt had found a vein and was securing the IV in place," Feeling human yet?" he smiled at Derek, who nodded slightly," Here," he secured a velcro strap around Shepherd's fingers," if you need more Morphine push the button at the top or squeeze, try it," Derek willed his fingers to move and was disappointed," It's okay, try again," Owen wanted to help him, wanted to do it for him, wanted to make this better and take those angry lacerations away from him,' He doesn't deserve this hell,' he let out a small chuckle for real when Derek's thumb pressed down on the button and he heard it click," Good, if you need us it's the button in your right hand. Remember, you can only get so much of that Morphine no matter how many times you press that thing."

Meredith looked into his eyes," Are you in pain?"

He closed his eyes to avoid her reading them, under the blanket his hand tensed around the morphine pump,' I'm tired of pretending this doesn't hurt,' his breath hitched and he coughed,' I can't breathe...' for a moment he wondered if dying would be so bad, his eyes still closed he was at last at peace.

"Derek," her voice cut through to him," it's okay if you hurt," she put a hand on his cheek," I can stay here, Webber will understand."

"Go back," his voice raspy and low to keep from coughing," you have patients," he tried to catch his breath and swallow at the same time, he instinctively threw his head forwards and coughed. Blood spattered the sheets,' The drugs Clark gave me, I'm having a bad reaction,' he tried to put a hand out to steady himself and was reminded he was still cuffed.

Hunt caught him in a sort of hug to avoid the newly opened wounds," Cough again," Hunt put the other arm around the back of his neck and rested Derek's chin on his bicep," If there's blood in your chest get it out."

There was a ringing sensation in his ears and the world went pixelated as he coughed again. Blood dripped from his lips onto Owen's scrubs," Good, can you breathe now?" he panted and gasped for air.

Addison's heels clicked down the hall, in hand Derek's favorite tea,' Should make his throat better,' she smiled. Down the hall she saw Yang rush out of the on-call room and sprint towards his room,' The hell?' she picked up her pace and trotted behind.

She arrived seconds after Yang, who was over Shepherd's bed barking orders as usual. Things seemed to slow down as she surveyed the room, Meredith had moved away and was standing against the wall near the door shaking but out of the way," Meredith?" she set the tea on the table beside her," What's going on?"

Yang had a fist on Derek's chest over his heart and was pounding on it with her other one," Breathe dammit!"

"He stopped breathing..." Meredith trembled and tears spilled down her face," on his own...he's..."

"Got him!" Christina motioned for everyone to move back," He's okay, just leave this on," she clipped a Pulsox to his finger and grabbed Meredith," See, look," she pointed to the monitor," He's okay, just wasn't getting enough air," she put and arm around Meredith who was now full blown bawling," Look," she pointed to his chest," he's breathing, he's okay," Meredith looked into her eyes and suddenly hugged her hard. Yang hugged back and spoke softly in her ear," It's okay, Mer," she stroked her hair," He's back..." the nurse with the crash cart entered and Yang dismissed her with her hand.

Addison took two steps towards the bed and felt faint, Derek was now covered in equipment. The oxygen mask over his mouth and nose fogged slightly with each breath he took, the Pulsox beeped in time with his heart, his chest exposed to her for the first time since the surgery now had wound vac's attached to several sites," Oh my God," Richard caught her as she fell.

Christina, Hunt and Meredith sat on the couch next to Derek's bed huddled together," I wanted to go back to work," Meredith stared into space," I was going back to work and thinking he was fine..."

"Meredith, we need to talk," Hunt put her legs over his lap and leaned her into Christina as she shook her head.

"Don't you tell me he's dying!" her eyes screamed at him.

"No, nothing like that, but it is serious. Derek told Sloan and I that Clark came into his room last night and drugged him," her eyes grew wide," we chocked it up to a flashback; but now we're not sure if it was really Clark or someone dressed like him or someone who just talked like him."

"I saw him at the coffee shop with Alex," she covered her mouth with her hand," No one believed me, said I was just traumatized."

"We have reason to think someone might be working with him," Owen took a deep breath," and that they're coming back now that they've scoped out the hospital," she shook her head," We think they might be trying to finish the job this time. I took a closer look at the sutures he'd supposedly ripped through this morning in what we thought was a flashback and there's proof someone else did that for him."

"Call the police back!" Meredith threw her hands up.

"Without definite proof that he didn't do this to himself, which I had him so far under last night they can say he was irrational, they wouldn't do anything but note his mental state is questionable."

"So what do we do?" Meredith looked hopeless.

"I'll be in the corner over there," he pointed," it's not visible from the door and even less so in the dark if he happens to get closer," he took Meredith's hand," I need you to trust me, you can't stay here," she immediately shook her head," I mean it, Mer."

"I won't leave him!" she raised her voice.

"What do I tell him if Clark has a gun and kills you?" Hunt gripped her wrist tight," How am I gonna explain to him that you're gone? I don't want to see that look on his face, Meredith! If you die he has nothing left!" a tear ran down his face," I put my life on the line everyday overseas! Every...day...for a cause I didn't always understand, I told families their loved ones were dead; and I still do it almost every day! You don't get to die, you won't let him let go or give up, you won't let him check out even though he's in so much pain the strongest meds can barely touch it," he pulled her to him," He's fighting everyday to stay alive for you, now you're going to give him some peace of mind by going home tonight."

"I'll take you home and stay with you," Christina put her arms around them both," So you won't be alone."

Meredith sobbed into Hunt's chest and pulled on handfuls of his shirt, she took a few deep breaths," You'll keep him safe?"

"I'll keep him safe, Meredith," he dried the tears from her face with his thumb," Mark and I won't let anything happen to him, I'm military and trained for this sorta thing."

Derek's eyes flickered a bit before opening, Meredith was dabbing a compress over his face and neck. His eyes softened as he saw how she looked at him, his body felt like an icebox and he shivered," Hey," she dipped the towel in some water and wrung it out.

"Hey," his throat burned when he spoke, but the cold air cutting him like razor blades was worse. He noticed his voice was more muffled than usual and felt the mask over his mouth, he almost panicked.

"You okay?" Meredith patted his forehead.

"C-cold..." he felt his limbs starting to shake.

"You're burning up though," she didn't protest but wasn't comfortable as she covered him with the blanket.

His fingers closed around the Morphine pump and he squeezed,' Damn when will this stop?' plastic met his palm, his thumb investigated and he recognized the Pulsox. Derek let out a long breath and looked at the ceiling.

"Still in pain?" Meredith reached beneath the blanket put her hand on his, he managed a nod," Better or worse since you got here?" she asked, noticing he didn't have the energy to speak she added," One blink better, two blinks worse," her heart sank as he blinked twice," I want you to get some sleep now," she sniffled," you need to rest and I'm going to the house to shower and get clothes," she was only half lying, Lexi had been bringing her clothes to her for the past few days," I'll be back really soon."

Derek closed his eyes and nodded so slowly she wasn't sure it was a nod at first, he mouthed 'love you' and let his eyes close again. Meredith kissed around the bandage on his forehead and whispered," I love you too, don't you give up on me now. You fight like hell dammit," he felt a tear land on his eyebrow," I'm not letting you break up with me like this," she pulled away and saw the corner of his lips turn up as if he was trying to smile but failed.

Night fell like a shroud around the hospital, Mark had taken the role of a patient and was lying in the bed directly across the room with the door and window open. He would wait for Hunt's signal if something went wrong, each of them had a vibrating alarm and decided to take turns sleeping. Hunt was in the corner behind Derek's bed between its frame and the closet. His back was arched at a strange angle and his legs cramped, but it was bearable. Derek's soft breaths and the occasional whir or beep of the machines attached to him were the only sounds in the room.

Meredith and Christina lay in bed, Meredith laying where Derek normally did taking in the scent of his pillow before this nightmare started. She had slipped on one of his T-shirts and a pair of his favorite sweats. Christina snuggled into the sheets and settled in at Meredith's back, she heard her friend sniffling and put her arm around her shoulder and held her.

They'd waited, it was now three in the morning and about the time their visitor should be calling. Mark and Owen were both wide awake and on edge, the silence was deafening and only strengthened their resolve.

Derek was dreaming of the things he missed since the attack, showers, eating, brushing his teeth, being able to sit up by himself, and sex. Definitely sex...the thought of Meredith's body against his was maddening when he couldn't have her, although in his dreams they were doing the things they loved most. He dreamt of their honeymoon, walking hand in hand down the beach and kissing and...the dream was lost somewhere in his consciousness as he fell into deep sleep.

Meredith had almost given up on sleep when she felt herself finally drifting into that sweet serenity. She too was dreaming of her love, picnics and fishing trips and those naughty little adventures in the elevator.

Her dreams were interrupted by a ringing noise that sounded a lot like her doorbell,' Lexi lock herself out again?' she pushed her feet into her slippers and headed for the stairs,' Or did Mark push her against the doorbell again?' she shook the image from her head,' I shouldn't be dealing with my little sister's romances,' she ran a hand through her hair," Lexi or Mark?" she called.

"Neither," a strange voice," it's about Derek open up."

"Derek?" she unlocked the door," What is it?"

The door flew open," He forgot something at home," the man hit her in the face and grabbed her T-shirt as she fell. She thrust her elbow backwards and felt it connect," Not working girlie."

She recognized his face as he pinned her to the floor,"You?"

A hand clamped over her mouth," Double shot mocha latte' for Dr. Shepherd or is that your favorite?" she tried to scream but his hand muffled most of the sound," Now listen sweetheart, your husband took everything away from my boss and now I'm taking it from you."

'He's going to kill me,' shock registered,' No!' she felt anger boil in her gut,' Derek wouldn't give up, he survived and so will I,' she used her upper body to provide distraction and struggle as she worked her knee to her chest,' He bought it,' she pushed as hard as she could and managed to lift him off her a bit, he grabbed both her wrists and held them to the rug. She worked the other knee to her chest and kicked outwards, she heard the whoosh of air out of his lungs as she cracked the Xiphoid Process and his chest. As he gasped for air, she grabbed a vase and smashed it over his head,"CHRISTINA, ALEX!" she shrieked their names as she kicked the man's face.

The man was on his knees, Meredith was about to go for the coal shovel by the fireplace when she heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Meredith?" Alex stumbled down the stairs two at a time, their eyes locked. The man on the floor had gotten up and slugged her in the stomach, sheer force lifted her from the ground and after a few weak gasps she collapsed," You sonuvabitch!" Karev jumped the railing and tackled the man as he turned to run. Alex turned him over and started hitting him and didn't stop.

"Meredith!" Yang was over her, holding a phone and frantically jabbering at someone on the other end. All Meredith could make out was," Hang on Meredith, the ambulance is on their way."

Hunt's cellphone buzzed,' Who's texting me at this hour?' he chanced a look at the screen,' Christina?' he opened the text and stood up,' Someone broke into the house, Mers on her way to the ER he hit her in the stomach,' his heart sank,' Get Addison,' the text hung in the air for a few seconds before it fully sank in. He paused to check the monitors and then Derek to be sure he was still asleep, once he was sure both were as normal as normal could get he rushed from the room.

"Mark, c'mon," he motioned to Mark who was still lying in the bed across the hall.

"What's up?" Mark hopped out of bed, his shoes making a soft thud on the floor.

"Meredith's on her way to the ER," Hunt jogged down the hallway with Sloan on his heels," someone broke into the house and hit her in the stomach," he panted," Karev beat the hell out of them and the police are on their way."

"The baby?" Mark's heart leapt to his throat.

"Not sure yet," Hunt pushed the button on the elevator," go get Addison, I know she's here."

"Does Derek know?"

"No, and I don't think he should for now. He was asleep when I left."

A paramedic took her pulse while another had a stethescope on her belly," How far along are you?"

"Four months or so," she winced, the pain was subsiding and panic was replacing it.

Christina's world was a blur, flashing lights for once weren't so comforting. As the ambulance sped away she felt faint and sick, the cut on Meredith's cheek, her black eye, and her bloody lip weren't bad but just enough to make her nauseous. She pulled open a bag in the back of the ambulance and vomited.

"We're almost there, you okay?" a hand on her back made her feel a little bit better.

"Yeah I already sent in report," she snapped herself back into a surgeon," Mer, Addison and Hunt are waiting on you in the ER."

The doors popped open and everyone jumped out, it was a race to the trauma room as Hunt grabbed the gurney. Addison stood in the room ready, after they transferred Meredith to the table she started work. Yang held Meredith's hand tightly and stayed at her head as Addison tried to get a full look at the baby with the portable ultrasound machine," Is it all right?" Meredith's eyes were wide and her breath came in ragged gasps.

"I have a heartbeat," Addison announced," it's weak and..." the room went silent," Book an OR now," Hunt jetted from the room," Everything's going to be okay, Meredith, I just want to do a laproscopy to check things out okay?"

"You don't do that when everything's fine," Meredith started to panic.

"You want it straight?" she nodded," Okay, I see some fluid somewhere it shouldn't be and I wanna see where it's coming from because it could mean the top of your uterus has ruptured."

"Does Derek know?"

"He's asleep," Mark took her hand," Due to circumstances I'm going to leave him that way."

"Mark," Meredith's eyes pleaded," don't tell him until this is fixed and I can tell him myself."

"I'll sit with him for now, he's so sedated he's close to being stoned," he was walking by her head as they rushed to an OR, she wasn't quite sure when she'd been moved but things were happening so fast she just went with it.

"Not a word Mark," she glared at him," I'm getting looked at is what you're telling him if he asks."

"You bet!" he stopped outside the doors to the OR and turned back towards the elevator.

Derek's eyes opened lazily, he stretched as much as his neck would allow. His body felt heavy, he flipped the switch on the bedrail that turned on the backlight. Once his eyes adjusted, the blurry shapes turned into something recognizable,' Something got infected,' he realized by looking at the various wound vac's in several of the surgical sites. His throat burned, he decided to chance his injured shoulder and lifted his hand. It was shaky but it moved, he gripped the bedside table and pulled it closer. Tendrils of pain slithered up his arm and into his chest, he gasped a bit but the table had slid closer. His fingers numbly worked their way towards the cup of water Meredith had left him, he managed to pick it up and remembered the oxygen mask over his mouth,' Damn,' he set it back down and groped for his face,' why is this so complicated?' he managed to push the mask to the side of his lips, victory. He stretched his arm out and picked up the cup again, the straw felt foreign to him as he rarely used one at home unless out jogging with a sports bottle.

==FLASHBACK==

His feet thumped against the pavement next to Meredith's, it was dawn and they had taken some time together. They jogged around the grounds of the hospital's park in sweats, her hair bounced in it's ponytail at the nape of her neck. Her face and neck glistened with sweat as the two of them matched pace, he could run quite a bit further and faster but watching her was so much more fun.

They stopped at a bench to get a drink and catch their breath," You know what the best part about working out with you is?" he said between breaths.

"What?" she took a long drink from her bottle.

"The shower after," he poked her ribs and she giggled.

"We're at work, Derek," she playfully swatted at his hand.

"At work and off the clock," he scooped her into his arms and took off for the locker room.

==END FLASHBACK==

He finished the water and tried to put the glass back onto the table but the meds said he didn't have the energy, it fell from his fingers onto the floor with a plink. His eyes closed and he pictured Meredith,' I've got to get out of here for her,' his breath came fast and he put the mask back over his mouth,' I won't die, I promise,' he vowed silently,' Not when I finally have something worth living for,' he lifted his hand in front of his face and practiced touching his thumb with each of his fingers. Pleased that even in his drugged state he could manage, even if it was slow-going. Since the other hand wouldn't come up as high he took another chance and lifted his head, he was ecstatic as his right hand was a bit easier. He wiggled his toes on his left foot and flexed the muscles in his calf a few times to relieve the stiffness, it hurt like hell. The toes on his right leg weren't as responsive and felt like they didn't belong on his foot, despite the needle-like tingling in them he forced himself to make them move. He smiled a bit,' See, Mer,' a wave of pain shot through him and he hit the button on the pump for another hit of Morphine,' better every day,' he winced as he rode out the agony,' Painful, but I'm going to get better for you,' he barely had the strength to flick the light out behind him before the drugs rolled him under and dragged him to sleep.

Meredith's eyes opened lazily, her head buzzed and blurred before the memory hit her," DEREK!" she sat up panicked.

"He's fine," Christina put her hand on Meredith's shoulder," surgery was a success, you're not dead but your baby is barely stable."

"Barely?" Meredith sank back onto the pillow.

"There was a tear in your uterus from the force of impact, the baby's critical," Addison was the last person Meredith wanted to see let alone give her bad news about her child.

"I need to sshhee Derek," she noticed her speech slurred and paused before continuing.

"Yeah, you're coming off the anesthesia Mer," Yang tried to keep her settled in bed," You need to lay back and relax, Derek wouldn't want you hurting yourself all because you want to see him."

"I just want to see Derek..." she sobbed dejectedly.

Mark sat on the couch in Derek's room, wondering how to tell his friend that not only was Meredith not coming to see him this morning; but she was attacked in their house last night and in surgery. His phone vibrated and he breathed a sigh as he read the text, Derek had barely stirred all morning. Sloan had waved the morning nurse away, even though today he could go on solid food instead of IV fluids and protein shakes he was pretty sure Derek wouldn't feel like eating.

His mind was conscious before his body could bear to respond, waking up was always the worst part of his day. The morning nurse usually had some unpleasant or embarrassing duty and was a bit too chipper about doing it for his taste. He did a mental scan of his body before he dared move a muscle,' How bad is it this morning?' he focused on each part of his body to test it's tenderness,' Gonna be bad this morning,' he told his fingers to push the button and release more meds before he moved too much. They were stiff and didn't want to listen, he let out a sigh of relief when he finally heard the click. He waited. Nothing. He pushed the button again...and again. Still no change, his body was waking too fast for his taste sending ringlets of agony to spiral around his chest and back. His breath caught in his throat as he tried to stifle a yelp which came out as a moan instead.

"Derek?" Sloan stood immediately.

"M-mark," his eyes shut tight for a few seconds as another wave tore through him. He tried to form another sentence and failed.

"How you doin'?" Sloan felt his forehead,' Still burning up, dammmit!' he pushed the stray hairs out of Derek's eyes.

"It hurtssss," he slurred, the pain meds weren't doing their job and his body was screaming at him.

"I know but I need you to stay awake for more than fifteen seconds, this is important," he waited until he saw Derek's gaze meet his own," Last night someone broke into your house and attacked Meredith," Derek's eyes widened, he was coherent," he hit her in the stomach and Addison did a laproscopic surgery to fix a tear in her uterus and drain the excess blood and fluid."

"No...sshhe okay?" he sat up ignoring the pain as a million and one thoughts crossed his mind.

"She's awake and seems to be doing okay according to Hunt's texts, I haven't seen her since Addison operated," he put a hand on Derek's good shoulder," lay back, I know that can't be comfortable on your injuries."

"When can I shee her?" his eyes went blank as if the hamster fell off the wheel and his mind was taking a vacation, he still

"As soon as she comes out of anesthesia completely Addison's bringing her here," he put his palm flat on Derek's back," so lay down or you won't be up when she gets here," Sloan never felt the tension in Derek's back slack even when he gave in and lay down.

His mind was still racing,' I could get those tubes out if I really wanted to, I could get to her,' a tear slid down the side of his face,' if I was there she'd be okay, if I could have fought harder that night...' even though it only intensified the agony he let himself cry,' I should have stopped her,' a small whimper escaped his lips,' If I would have insisted she stay with me...' he didn't bother wiping his eyes.

Even after the tears stopped, his body trembled," I'm sedating you until she can come see you," Derek shook his head even though it made his world spin," Don't exhaust yourself before she gets here, if you're not hurting she can curl up with you," he left the room.

'Clark knows he can't get to me, so he's going to try and hurt Meredith,' the thought terrified him,' I can't even protect her.'

* * *

AN: Hope this wasn't too short for you guys :) I'm working on chapter 19


	19. Degredation

Sorry for the wait! Here ya go!

* * *

Chapter 19: Degredation

"I'm giving you Dalmane to help you sleep and Percocet for the pain," he pulled the oxygen mask off Derek's mouth.

"I won't be able to wake up," his voice cracked.

"You will," Sloan put the pills to his lips," take them," he was relieved when Derek let him put them on his tongue," Swallow," he instructed as he put a straw to his lips.

Derek hadn't had anything solid since the attack, the closest thing he'd had was a few protein shakes to keep his nutrition up. He worked the meds to the back of his tongue and managed to swallow them, though they felt like boulders as they crept towards his stomach.

Meredith was still groggy but determined, she had pulled herself together and stopped the crying nonsense. Her foot touched the tiles and she leaned on her IV pole for support and walked gingerly to a mirror. Her eye was black and her lip swollen but nothing major, she tested her footing as she stood. When she was sure she had her balance she went to the closet to get her clothes. She grabbed Derek's sweatpants and folded them up,' He'll probly want these.'

If Yang saw her do this she'd have a hissy fit, but she could get over it. Meredith clamped off the IV and unhooked it from her arm,' I'm a doctor after all,' she almost giggled, maybe it was the drugs. She slid on Derek's tee and a pair of her scrub pants from the duffel bag Karev had grabbed,' No panties?' she rolled her eyes,' I should be glad Alex didn't go through my underwear drawer,' she slid into her tennis shoes and headed for the elevator.

Owen went in to check Derek and found Mark asleep in the chair next to the bed. The monitors beeped a bit too fast for his taste, although he was surprised to see Shepherd asleep with Meredith downstairs in recovery,' Mark probably gave him something,' he glanced over the chart,' more than one something,' he smiled,' at least he's resting.'

Hunt pulled back the blanket to examine the bandages beneath, he sighed, no change. Sweat glistened on Shepherd's forehead, Hunt wiped it away with a cloth from the nightstand. He stirred slightly but didn't wake. Owen heard footsteps and turned to the door," Meredith? What are you doing out of bed?" he scolded.

"I wanted to see him," her shoes squeaked across the floor," Is he okay?"

"Yeah he was worried about you."

"I told Mark not to tell him!" she looked angrily in Sloan's direction.

"He might have been asking too many questions and you know Mark can't lie to him worth a damn," Hunt put a hand on her shoulder," He won't break you know."

"I just..." she paused before touching his hand," I don't want to wake him if he's resting."

"Says on the chart Sloan gave him a Percocet and some Dalmine, he's gonna be out for a bit."

"Meredith?" Mark stretched and wiped his eyes," What are you doing here?"

"I had to see him," she ran her fingers through Derek's hair, it was damp and a bit oily but still soft.

"You kept him up to date, then?" she glared at him.

"I couldn't stand not to, in case something happened..."

"I'll try not to be too upset with you," she flashed a smile at him," after all, I was a bit freaked out when you saw me."

Derek's eyes flickered beneath his eyelids," Mmmerrr,' a slight moan escaped his lips.

"Derek?" she put a hand to his cheek and he squinted his eyes to try and wake up.

He felt a familiar presence in the room, someone trailing their fingers through his hair and muffled voices. He'd taken a guess it was Meredith and was trying to force himself awake, his eyes finally opened when she'd said his name. The blurry shapes in front of his eyes slowly transformed into her figure, he blinked and the pixels lazily went into focus on her face. A pang of guilt struck him when he saw her," Sshorry..." tears threatened but he didn't look away, his arms ached to hold her.

"Don't you dare apologize Derek Shepherd!" she squeezed his hand," This is *not* your fault," she braced on her elbow as she leaned into him and pressed her face against his.

He lifted his arm and used his remaining coordination and strength to put it around her, he closed his eyes and thanked God she was still alive. She nuzzled into him even though he was sure since he hadn't shaved in days it must be pretty uncomfortable. She felt soft and heavenly, he wanted to sit up and crush her to his chest and tell her he'd protect her. He wanted to leave the hospital and go home with her and reassure her, to take a long hot shower and let the water cascade over the two of them as they embraced. Reality was cruel and harsh and he hated it, the drugs wouldn't let him stay awake for more than an hour or two at a time and it wasn't fair. He figured he had about another fifteen minutes before he passed out again.

There was a knock at the door and Detective Romerro entered," Derek Shepherd?"

Meredith moved away from him and he thought his heart would break when he saw her face," Mmmph," he managed to acknowledge the detective.

"Your attorney has spoken with the judge who has come to the decision that you are not a flight risk and due to recent events," he took his keys off his belt," this can come off," he unlocked the handcuff and put it back on his belt," Ms. Grey I do need to speak with you however, if you'll come with me."

Meredith nodded, she leaned into Derek and her lips met his," I'll be back soon, get some rest," she smiled, it was fake and he knew it," I'll be back soon," Mark winked at him and put his arm around the small of Meredith's back.

Derek lay motionless and broken, the drugs threatened the edges of his mind like vultures to a wounded lion. Once the two of them were gone he tested his fingers again, they were slow to react but responsive nonetheless. He lifted his head, the drainage tubes were still there. He took a deep breath and propped on his good arm at the elbow, he pulled the oxygen mask off his face and braced for the pain. Pushing with his uninjured arm he sat up, nausea swept over him and bile rose in his throat. He forced his muscles to tense and relax a few times despite,' I want to go home,' he ran a hand through his hair dejectedly,' I don't have the strength to move but I have to,' he looked at the large lump under the blankets where his right leg was,' No way in hell am I gonna walk on that,' he winced as his muscles stretched on their own for the first time.

"Mmmmph," he grunted as he shoved the blanket off his legs, he ripped the hospital gown away from his chest and finally surveyed the aftermath. Drainage tubes ran from the two worst stab wounds and surgical site they hadn't been able to close had a wound vac attached to keep it from accumulating bacteria,' They're planning another surgery,' he groaned,' I'd do the same if I were them though,' a pang of sadness hit him as he remembered he wouldn't be in charge of an OR for a long time if ever," Can't think like that," he checked his new IV site, the liquid pulsed from the tubing through the needle. He looked around him,' Even if I wanted to get up, I don't think I have the strength to get these tubes off,' shock he knew would come later. For the moment, the drugs had his mind numb to most of his sensations as well as emotions,' I need a shower,' he hung his head,' If Meredith gives me another bed bath I think I'll lose it,' he fantasized about taking a long hot steamy shower, unlike the ones he usually took before work. He'd taken everything for granted every day, even though he saw and fixed people who were just as broken as he was.

Owen and Christina snuggled in the on-call room's bed," I haven't stayed at a hospital this long since my internship," he pulled her closer and twirled a piece of her hair between his fingers.

"Well, Meredith's probably still in bed asleep," Yang giggled," I gave her enough sedatives to knock a horse on his ass."

"Not only is she not asleep, she got dressed and went to see Derek," Yang abruptly sat up with a shocked expression," She dodges meds like the plague you'll recall."

"That little..." Christina balled a fist.

"Take it easy, she's fine it's him who needs the real help," he put a hand on his forehead," I've never seen anyone that messed up who's still breathing," images of the war overseas threatened his mind.

"Let me help you forget then?" Yang put her hand on the side of Hunt's face, he nodded silently as he closed his eyes and dove into her kiss.

Meredith was starting to feel a bit better, her ordeal with the police was over and she could finally get back to Derek. She knocked on the door and stepped inside," Derek, I had the nurse get you somethi...DEREK?" she froze.

Derek was still sitting up, his breathing labored and tears running down his cheeks. The blank stare didn't leave his eyes even when she called his name. She stood next to him, unsure what to do. When she touched him he jumped as if she'd struck him," Why didn't you tell me?" he put his head in his hands.

"Tell you?" she was confused," Tell you what?"

"Mer, how can you stand to be in here?" he trembled," Look at me! I haven't showered or shaved in almost a week, I can smell myself! I've lost so much weight I look like a skeleton!" he raked his hands through his hair.

"Derek if you want, I can wash you hair today," she tried to comfort him," you can even start eating regular food again."

"No one told me I was this disgusting," he spat the word out even though speaking seemed to rival running a marathon," or that another surgery was being discussed," he started to pant.

"Derek, I was only trying to take care of you," tears filled her eyes.

"No, Mer," his heart broke and his frustration melted," please, don't cry," he reached for her weakly," I've done enough to you."

"The tubes have to come out before we can put you in water; but we did want to talk with you about another surgery," she sat on the bed next to him," I got you lunch from that place you like..." she sniffled.

"I'm sorry, Mer," he suddenly felt lightheaded, the world went pixelated and his head lolled to the side.

"Derek, don't wear yourself out," Meredith caught him as he fell, her arm underneath his back," it's almost time for your meds again."

"I want to stay with you," he hissed in a breath as every nerve began to come alive again.

"I'm here now," she picked up the bag of food from the chair and set it on the table," and you need to eat," she opened it and set it in front of him.

His nose liked the idea of food, but his stomach said no,' She must've gone to Cabana's Grill,' his mouth watered as his nose sluggishly told his brain there was chicken and gravy on that tray. The head of the bed rose, Meredith adjusted his position and turned her back to fix something. His mind told his hand to move but it lay limply against his side,' So tired,' a bead of sweat rolled down his face. Meredith had turned back to face him," Do you need help?" she smiled warmly as she put the tea next to the tray, his face flushed bright red as he nodded.

"Just..." he swallowed hard," don't let anyone in, please," he couldn't look at her, it was too hard.

"Okay," she closed the blinds and hung the 'do not disturb' sign on the outside door handle.

"Thanks," he looked at his hands, defeated. Derek Shepherd, head neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital, his fiance' feeding him because he was too feeble to make his arms move and his fingers listen to him.

Meredith cut the chicken into small pieces and mixed it in with the rice and gravy, she smiled and propped his head up with a pillow. She scooped up a spoonful of food and held it to his lips, he averted his gaze away from her and blushed. She tried to make him feel as if her doing this wasn't embarassing and she didn't mind,' She's gotta think I'm pathetic,' his face felt hot but he was hungry and the food smelled heavenly. He took a bite and chewed,' One day at a time,' he closed his eyes and swallowed.

Callie chewed on the end of her pen as she looked over the x-rays again," I just don't feel right about doing a full on knee replacement if we don't need to," she put a hand to her forehead and ran it back through her hair.

"What about the bursae that ruptured?" Arizona had the MRI scans and was reading over them," We could always try and replace those and put in some prosthetics and see if that works..." she sighed.

"I'm just not sure what to do...the damage is so extensive, he'll be in a wheelchair for a long time," she sat down at her desk," and if I do the wrong surgery or he doesn't take to it, he could be in a wheelchair permanently."

"We have the time to make sure we do what's best," Arizona put an arm around her," You've been in worse situations."

"Get Mark, I need plastics for his shoulder," Arizona kissed her temple, the door clicked shut behind her.

Derek's head felt fuzzy, he could barely concentrate on chewing and the spoon seemed to wiggle in front of him. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back,' Not yet,' he pleaded with his body,' I don't want to pass out,' he gripped the sheets to try and ground himself.

"Derek?" Meredith sounded like she was miles away. He tried to respond and stuttered," Derek?" she tried again.

"I'm..." he tried to catch his breath," I think I'm gonna..." his vision blurred and his ears rang," pass...out," as the words left his lips his head fell to the side and his world went black.

Meredith put the plate of food in the microwave and pulled a chair close to Derek's bed, she lay her head near him and put her hand under his,' I'll be here when you wake up again,' she sighed and closed her eyes, hoping to catch up on some much needed sleep.

He shook his head a bit to wake himself up and see Meredith again, there was a pressure on the side of the bed where she was laying. He smiled as he started to sit up to look at her, his hand squelched in something warm and wet. He brought it to his face and saw blood, his mind raced as he pulled the sheets away from his chest. Nothing. He sat up alarmed and his eyes darted around the room, they stopped at the floor where a familiar sneaker was sticking out from under the bed. He fumbled for the bedrail and put it down, he pulled his legs to the side and tried to slide off the bed. Instead of holding weight, his legs buckled beneath him and he collapsed to the floor. The initial shock passed and he turned his head to face the sneaker. He screamed as he saw Meredith, a bullet hole in her forehead, eyes glassy and glazed over, blood pouring down her face and pooling beneath her head. He reached out a hand and tried to get to her. The world spun and distorted; Gary stood over him and laughed, gun in hand,' This isn't real,' he shook his head,' I'm dreaming...I have to be dreaming,' he felt sick,' Meredith, wake me up...'

Addison finished her charting on Meredith and put it back on the cart, a hand on her shoulder almost made her jump," Richard?"

"Addy," he sat down in front of her," I wanted to personally thank you for your help with Dr. Grey."

"I'm a surgeon, it's what I do," she smiled and blushed a bit," I was about to go check on her and then go see Derek."

"I'll go with you," he stood.

"Richard?" she looked at him as they got on the elevator.

"Yes?" he pressed the button and the doors closed.

"How is he?"

"Hurt," Richard sighed," the medications keep him sedated most of the time, I've been in and out to see him and every time I check on him he's been asleep."

"What's he on?"

"Not enough..." Richard's mind returned to the OR the day Derek was admitted.

==FLASHBACK==

Screams could be heard all the way at the end of the hallway, the OR's weren't soundproof as there was no reason for them to be. He raced down the hallway, lawsuits on his mind,' If this new anesthesiologist administered too little drug they are so fired!' he reached the OR and the doors whooshed open. Meredith ran into his back as he stopped short, he wanted to grab her and run out of the OR so she wouldn't see; but he couldn't make himself move. A gasp escaped her lips as her brain tried to process the scene before her, Richard thought she would collapse as she threw herself at him only to realize it wasn't him she was trying to get to. Another scream tore itself from Derek's throat as Meredith's cries mingled with the chaos.

Once he'd dragged her out of the OR, she'd tried to claw her way back inside. Shock finally set in and she'd sank to her knees sobbing so badly he'd asked Dr. Yang to sedate her until Derek was at least out of surgery.

==END FLASHBACK==

The ding of the elevator brought Richard back from the past," I'd feel better if we checked on him first," he stepped through the doors.

He and Addison walked down the hallway in silence, the tension between them was so thick it was suffocating. Her eyes were swollen and all the makeup in the world couldn't cover up the black beneath them. Her hair, usually neat and as perfect as Derek's, a mess atop her head pulled up in a bun.

Derek's flew open and he gasped for air, the equipment on his chest made him regret the last action; but he was thankful to be out of the nightmare,' Meredith...' his mind was just as sluggish as his body. Two figures in his vision, one too dark-skinned to be Gary and the other too soft, his brows furrowed until the pixels in his vision revealed their faces. His heart sank,' Richard's gonna see me,' he swallowed,' and smell me,' he closed his eyes and prayed they were a hallucination, when he opened them his company hadn't left. For once he hoped he'd pass out again, the nightmares were almost better than the reality. Addison hovered over him, tears poured down her face and sobs shook her. His stomach turned sour, everyone around him was looking at him as if he was a science project gone bad and they wanted to put him out of his misery.

"Derek, are you all right?" Richard pulled a pen light from his pocket and held it to Shepherd's eyes, which he had held open with his thumb.

Derek jerked away from him and, despite the pain that shot down his arm, rolled to his side away from them," Leave," he barely got the word out.

"Derek, I called your parents and they said they..."

"What?" the thought of his family seeing him like this horrified him," Clars sssstillll..." his speech slurred as a thousand scenarios flashed through his brain. His mother hovering just as Addison was, touching him and feeling the dried sweat and grit on his skin. His sister seeing him in pain and drugged, seeing all the tubes that protruded from his torso and the blood and infection draining from his body. He saw the look that would be on his youngest sister's face when she saw he hadn't shaved and his hair was a mess, he shut his eyes tightly and prayed he'd wake up.

"Derek?" Meredith stretched like a cat as she unfurled herself from the chair. She looked around the room, bewildered that Derek was facing her on his side. Even more alarming his eyes were shut tightly and his hand over his ear as if trying to block out the world, the world seemed to slow down and her ears rang like she was shellshocked. She heard Addison and Richard talking joined by Yang and Owen who had recently entered the room," SHUTUP!" she shrieked, the room went silent. The only sound was Derek's labored gasps," Get out," the words were a low guttural growl that grew in her throat.

"Meredith, I..." Addison started.

"I said...get. out. now."

Christina had never heard her friend take this tone but knew it was her axe-murdering side," Come on," she grabbed Addison's arm and pulled her out of the room.

Owen took the hint and grabbed a startled Richard and followed Christina's lead out of the room, he nodded to Meredith as he shut the door," Good for you," he gave her a thumbs up.

Derek was shaking, his body close to convulsing and his breaths came in short small gasps," Derek," she sat next to him and put a hand on his shoulder," Derek, they're gone," she put a hand beneath his head and guided him onto his back," it's just you and me," his back arched slightly as he struggled to breathe through the pain. His hand fumbled for the morphine pump that wasn't there," I know it hurts, but you need to breathe slower and deeper," he choked as he tried to swallow and panicked.

Meredith patted his face," I'm getting something to help you," he winced and shook his head," it's not drugs, but it'll help," he nodded. She went to the supply cart outside the door and grabbed a paper bag and pulled a syringe of Diazepam just in case. When she returned Derek was curled up on his right side with his left leg as far to his chest as it would go, the color drained from his face and his lips almost blue. She lowered the bed flat and put his head in her lap," Trust me and breathe," she put the bag in his hand and guided it to his lips," Remember what you told me?" she ran her fingers through his hair," Breathe..." she traced a line down his back where she usually rubbed out tension after a rough day," I have a syringe of Diazepam," he pushed the paper bag away from him and nodded. She pulled the syringe from her pocket and lay it on her thigh, she opened an alcohol prep and cleaned a spot on his bicep," Be still," she uncapped the needle with her teeth.

For once he welcomed drugs, his lungs burned for oxygen he couldn't seem to get and his muscles ached from tremors. The needle stung his arm, his shoulder throbbed and threatened to make his arm twitch. Her touch was glorious against his tortured body as he waited for the Valium to work. Seconds dragged on and his breath still escaped him, he felt something tickle his face tried to move it," It's just an oxygen mask," Meredith's voice was velvet in his ear, he allowed her to keep the device over his face even though he was slightly claustrophobic," When you calm down you can tell me why you're so upset," he nodded and felt his breath returning slowly.

"...C-called my...f-family..." his tone strange through the plastic.

"Who?" he felt Meredith's leg tense.

"A-addy..."

* * *

Introducing Derek's family in the next few chapters and since this is my story I can change a few things. I will not be changing their personalities only a few minor details that you'll barely notice :P

Hope you all enjoyed! If you liked it, send me a review and let me know!


	20. Relentless Relatives

Chapter 20: Relentless Relatives

"I already called your mother," she saw surprise cross his face," I couldn't get her but I got your sisters, they said as soon as your mother got back from her business trip they'd call her. To which I told them I was taking care of you and didn't play this up too much, I figured seeing your family was the last thing you'd want with you being like...this," she paused,"It's understandable, I mean you're not exactly yourself."

"W-what's today?" the color started returning to his lips and the lightheadedness had almost subsided.

"Wednesday, you were attacked almost two weeks ago and you've been here ever since."

"Eleven...days...?"

"Yes, you've been asleep for most of them," she pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes," If you feel up to it, I could take you to get cleaned up in a bit."

"W-which sissster?" the Valium slurred his speech, but kept him sharp, Meredith could tell how anxious he was and had continued stroking his cheek.

"Nancy and Amelia," he flinched on Nancy's name as if he'd been hit.

==FLASHBACK==

Things were complicated, even in the normal parts of their relationship. Derek ran his hands through his hair and let the water run down his body as he leaned against the shower wall. He knew Meredith wanted to be with him, but things were always so difficult with Addison around. He turned off the faucet and opened the door, the cool air hit his bare skin and tingled. His thoughts were muddy as he reached for a towel and dabbed the water from his face, he was suddenly aware he wasn't alone. He turned towards the bed expecting, no, hoping to see Meredith had come to make up with him. Instead his sister, Nancy, sat on his bed as if she belonged there," Ohhh! Oh God!" he scrambled to cover himself.

"Hey stranger," the voice was cold and cynical.

He sighed," Oh Nancy, you don't call first?" he wrapped the towel around his waist tightly and secured it, the look on her face infuriated him.

A knock on the door interrupted her next assault," Hi, you know what I..." Meredith stepped inside and stopped mid-sentence as she saw Nancy.

"Meredith..." his world seemed to freeze and his breath caught in his throat, he looked back and forth between the two women and searched for words. Meredith's mouth twitched and turned upwards at one corner as it usually did when she was really angry," Wait! Let me explain...Meredith!" he stumbled after her, but the door shut in his face. He was just in time to see her drive away.

"Oops! I guess that was the slutty intern you cheated on Addison with?" Nancy folded her hands in her lap as if she'd won.

"She's not slutty," he turned to face her and re-adjusted his towel to keep it from slipping off his hips," What are you doing here?" he made his aggravation apparent by his tone.

"You bailed on thanksgiving and christmas, and you live in a trailer, and you're getting a divorce, and then there's the slutty intern," she nodded her head with each attack.

"I really don't like you..." he rubbed his face with his hands.

"You love me..."

==END FLASHBACK==

"I haven't gotten a call back from them, I told them you'd been in an accident but at the time I didn't know any of the details so I just called the family members I found in your phone," Meredith rubbed his cheek," Derek?"

He tucked his chin to his chest," I-I don't want them," he tried to catch his breath, which he felt was beginning to pick up again despite the Valium," seeing me..."

"I won't let them see you like this," Meredith picked his head up and gently lay it back on a pillow, he opened his eyes and his gaze followed her across the room," You're going for a shower," she unfolded a wheelchair," and you're in a private wing of the hospital," she pushed the chair near the bed," I'll need help getting you in this thing but that's about it."

"Meredith..." he groaned and wished he could crawl in a hole and disappear.

"No is not an option, Derek," Meredith put a hand on his," If they're really coming I'm not letting them see you like this, you're right you know," she kissed his forehead," it's not like you to leave your hair a mess and your face unshaved."

"T-thanks..." he shifted to get comfortable and his breath hitched as pain shot through him.

"I'll be back with either Sloan or Hunt, who would you prefer?" she patted his hand.

"S-sloan..." he had resigned himself to the fact that Meredith would see him helpless but his family? He hoped the drugs would keep him under during visiting hours.

Derek put a hand to his face before remembering the oxygen mask still covered his nose, he struggled to his elbow and sat up slowly. A dull achy feeling reminded him he was a long way from moving around on his own, his muscles felt as if they'd snap at any given moment. Despite the stiffness and discomfort he had sat up on his own yet again,' Brownie point for me,' he snorted, regretting it instantly as he felt nausea sweep through him. He surveyed his body again, wondering how the hell Meredith planned on getting him into a wheelchair let alone a shower,' How the hell am I going to get to a shower without anyone seeing me anyway?' he hung his head,' I don't think I have the energy...' his grip on reality wavered as he felt his head spin,' I should lay back down,' he tried to lower himself slowly but failed and flopped onto the bed, his shoulder immediately reminded him just how bad he was injured. He bit his lip to keep from screaming, the door handle clicked and he prayed it was Meredith returning.

"Hey, you ready?" he let out a small sigh of relief as he recognized Meredith's voice.

"How you feelin' man?" Mark's voice boomed in his head.

"Nnnnmmmph," he felt dizzy, the room spun and his ears rung,' I think I'm...' his body convulsed in a dry heave.

"He's gonna vomit," Mark rushed forwards and pulled the mask from his mouth, Derek held up a hand and closed his eyes. After a few deep breaths he opened them and tried to regain composure," I'm not so sure this is a good idea."

"His family *can't* see him like this," Meredith put her hand on her hip," it's not fair to him, they're already going to see a side of him they don't know. You know, the hurt, scared, sedated Derek? The one none of us have ever seen?"

"Derek, you up to this?" Mark pulled the sheets down to his waist.

"H-how will you..." speaking proved troublesome as the sedatives started to wear off.

"There's a shower in your bathroom," Meredith shook her head," Sorry I know you haven't been out of bed and..." she mentally kicked herself for assuming Derek knew where he was.

"Okay..." he relaxed a bit.

"So who's taking the catheters out?" Mark pulled gloves out of the box on the wall.

"Huh?" Derek was confused," if you..."

"It needs to breathe anyway," Meredith was arranging towels and cloths in the bathroom," Go ahead, Mark, I'll be just a minute."

"What? Oh...ugh," his face flushed as he realized the catheter they were discussing wasn't on his chest it was...somewhere else.

"You want Mer to do this instead?"

"I...ummm..." he felt the temperature in the room go up about ten degrees.

"Meredith," Mark called, she stuck her head out of the bathroom and saw him gesture for her," Distract him," he whispered in her ear.

"Derek," she put a hand on his cheek and turned him to face her," the surgery we wanted to talk with you about is a knee reconstruction, it's either that or a complete knee replacement and Callie was thinking..." his mind wandered as she continued. He was painfully aware that Mark was trying to remove a catheter and that the procedure was unsettling and uncomfortable, not to mention it was something a nurse usually did. His face flushed a deeper red and he tilted his head back and gazed at the ceiling, praying Mark wouldn't be too much longer. When the tape was removed and the area clean, it felt like Sloan had taken a cheese grater to his most sensitive region. He closed his eyes and concentrated on not moving, but couldn't resist squirming a little. The release of pressure was like a weight had been lifted off him, he took a slow shaky breath and exhaled.

"All done," Mark had his back to Derek, trying desperately not to look at him," You okay?"

"About as okay as I'm gonna get after what just happened," his dignity had taken a huge hit.

"I'm going to get you in the chair and leave you to Meredith," Mark still hadn't looked at him directly, he pulled the sheets to the foot of the bed and gently moved each of Derek's legs off the bed," Do not put any pressure on your right leg," Mark warned.

"Not a chance," a bead of sweat rolled down his neck as the thought of falling crossed his mind.

Mark had always been a bit taller and slightly more muscular due to being taller and plain genetics, he picked Derek up in his arms and set him in the wheelchair as if he weighed nothing,' I have lost a significant amount of weight,' the thought pained him. As Mark set him down he was suddenly aware that the hospital gown was the only thing he was wearing and it didn't cover enough, his face flushed again and he tried to avert his eyes," I'll be sure no one comes in, I need the rest and there's a vacant bed outside your room just collecting dust," he nodded at Derek and their eyes met for the first time.

"I've been looking forward to this," Meredith smiled mischievously as she removed his IV," I'll put a new one in when we get finished."

"You've been looking forward to humiliating me?" he smiled a bit.

"Yes, I've been looking forward to humiliating you," she mocked him with a giggle even though she knew he was only half joking. She locked the wheels on the chair once they reached the shower," There's a seat in this one so you don't have to stand up or sit in one of those ridiculous bath chairs we use for old people," she unstrapped the temporary cast on his knee and took something from the cabinet.

"How are you...?" his sentence trailed off.

"It needs to be cleaned," she shut the door and draped a towel over his lap," I can take the wound vacs off until we're finished, they need some air," she pulled the gown away from his chest and removed the vacuums.

"Is it all right if you...?"

"I know what I'm doing, have you forgotten I'm Dr. Meredith Grey?" she giggled and smirked at him.

"I'm sorry I just," he flinched.

"Did that hurt?" Meredith's smile faded.

"No, it tickled," he chuckled and instantly lamented.

"Oh, I thought I'd hurt you," she pulled the flimsy gown off him and tossed it in the corner," Let me do the work," she put an arm under his uninjured one and the other around his waist. For a brief moment he was afraid she couldn't lift him, when he felt himself leave the wheelchair he buried his face in her hair and resigned himself to trusting her. His legs were too weak to support him anyway, he breathed a sigh of relief when she set him on the shower's seat," No steaming hot shower to make you turn red as a lobster this time," she tousled his hair a bit.

"Why not?" he flashed her a real smile," The only difference between this and the other times we've showered together is I don't get the pleasure of..."

"Easy boy," she turned on the water," that's enough excitement for one day," she took the shower head off the wall and tested the temperature," this okay?" she ran it over his hand.

"Perfect."

"Tilt your head back," she stood behind him and put a hand under his neck," I'll take the bandages off as I get to the area so they won't pull your hair," he rested his head on her hand and breathed deeply.

The water felt marvelous on his head and it was as if the tension washed down the drain with the suds. Her fingers massaged his scalp and he fell into bliss, for a few short minutes he forgot about the attack and the family who were probably taking the next flight out to come gawk at him like an exhibit in a science museum and tell the people taking care of him how stupid they were and how they could do it better. Water ran down his neck and onto his shoulder, he winced as it soaked through the bandage and stung the tender flesh beneath," It looks better," Meredith peeled the bandage back carefully to avoid irritation.

"Mer," he started, trying to ignore the pain," I'm so lucky to have you."

"I'm the lucky one," she smiled and put some soap on a cloth," lean on me and I'll wash your back," she moved in front of him and extended her arms.

"You'll get wet."

"So?" she smirked," you've never minded before."

"Hehe," his breath caught and he coughed," Don't make me laugh," he put his right arm around her," it hurts."

"Sorry," she ran the washcloth down his back, careful to miss the sutures on his side, and massaged his shoulders," I'm not used to you being fragile," he heard the worry in her voice," Do you want to try this?" she handed him the cloth and gestured to his chest.

"I'll try," he wrapped his fingers around the cloth and when she let go it felt heavy in his hand. Meredith got behind him and rinsed his back, she put the shower nozzle in her mouth and started gently massaging his back again. His hand fell onto his thigh, frustrated he struggled to lift it. It moved but slower than he wanted, the effort it took to get his hand to his chest almost exhausted him. Derek made one swipe across his stomach before running into a surgical site, anguish tore through him and he couldn't stifle his cry.

"It's okay," Meredith put her arms around him and molded her form to his.

He stared at his hand, which lay limply on his lap," Mer," his voice was small and sounded frail," It's okay if I..." a tear ran down his face, she moved to his side and ran her fingers through his hair. He nestled his face into her side and sobbed.

"It's better to let it out," she kissed his hair and sprayed water down his back to keep him warm," I'll finish here and get you back into bed," she picked the cloth up from his leg," and yes, it's okay if you need to show some emotion," she rubbed small circles around the suture sites," You wouldn't be human if you didn't cry about this, a lot has happened to you and your quality of life won't be the same for a long time. Besides, you put up with my dark and twisties."

"I don't want him to find you," he leaned against the vinyl backing of the shower seat as she soaped his chest.

"He won't find me," she moved to his stomach," because I'm not leaving again," he leaned his head against the wall and sighed. Meredith cleaned surgical sites and sutures alike, although it was very apparent to him that his meds were wearing off faster than he liked.

"Mer," Derek felt woozy," I'm...dizzy..."

"Okay, I'm almost finished," she soaped his feet and worked upwards to his calves. She finished and rinsed him and the cloth," I know this area's a bit worse for wear at the moment," she moved his knees apart," but the good news is you won't have to put up with a catheter anymore," his face turned bright red as she finished cleaning him.

His knee was more delicate than he'd remembered, the second soap hit the sutures anguish hit. He braced on her shoulder as he fought to stay upright and conscious, he gripped hard," You need your meds again," she patted the area," I'll give them to you as soon as you get out of here," she spritzed the site and he gasped," I know, I'm sorry," he knew his grasp was probably hurting her. She finished and looked up at him," I'll wait until it passes," she put her other hand on his face and spoke softly to him until he caught his breath and his knee subsided to a dull throb. He let go of her shoulder and let her sit him back, she turned off the water and grabbed a towel. He noticed she was drenched and her hair was matted against her face and neck, when she turned to face him she was still smiling.

Meredith put a towel around his shoulders and another around his back," Are you cold?" she fluffed his hair with a smaller one and pushed it out of his face.

"A bit," he hoped he could feign being cold in place of showing her how bad he was hurting.

"I'll keep the door closed then," she left the towel around his neck as she patted his shoulder dry," I did get you some of your own clothes when I went home," she rubbed gentle circles on his back and started on his chest, as carefully as she could around the mass of stitches," I know it's not much and you still can't wear those sweats you love so much..."

"Thank you," he kissed her forehead as she leaned into him and pulled a towel around his lower back.

"You'd do the same for me," she smiled, his vision blurred and his head felt heavy.

She pulled a duffel bag from the cabinet and unzipped it," I figured you could at least manage boxers," she picked up his left foot and slid the material to his mid calf, he braced for her to bend his right knee. Instead she worked the fabric over his foot barely moving it at all, for which he was grateful," I'm not moving that unless I have to," she pulled the boxers up to his thigh," You don't exactly mask pain well," she went back for the duffel bag.

"I thought I'd get an Emmy," he put his head in his hand and tried to balance the world and get it to stay put.

"I even got one of your better pajama shirts," she held up a midnight blue satin button up," you know the ones you only wear when we have company but you still want to relax?" he barely saw what she was holding as his head began to pound," It's short sleeved and loose so we can still get to your wounds easily," she slipped his hand into the left sleeve and pulled the towels off his back and shoulders.

"Merrr," he felt his brain would burst from his skull.

"I'm almost finished, I know you're tired," she put his head against her chest and pulled the shirt around his body," I promise, not much longer," Meredith put a dry towel behind his back," Can you hold onto me while I get you in this?" she pointed to the wheelchair.

"Dizzy..." he was almost out of breath and he'd done nothing to warrant it.

"Just do this and I can let you rest," she put two fingers beneath his chin and tilted his head up," I wouldn't have you try if I didn't think you could do it."

"Ok," his arm was sore and tired; when he tried to raise it and put it around her neck it hurt too badly to put forth the effort to wiggle his fingers.

"It's okay, just put your weight on me," she picked up his arm and put it over her shoulder and around her neck," don't stand, you know it'll hurt," he nodded and the room shook, she put her shoulder beneath his arm and lifted. Instincts kicked in and as his foot went flat on the floor he tried to balance, she pulled the boxers up and turned to the wheelchair. He choked on a scream and panted as he sat down," I told you not to put weight on that," she left the room and he heard the med cart's drawer open," You're not supposed to have these for another hour, but I can't stand seeing you in pain. Which worked better the Percocet or the Morphine?"

"M-morphine..." he resisted the urge to clutch his leg," Percocet makes me...hallucinate."

She came back in holding a pill cup and a glass of water," Take these."

His tongue was sluggish but managed to work the drugs to the back of his mouth, he winced as he swallowed," What was that?"

"Morphine capsules," they're enough to keep you comfortable until I can move you again."

"Ok," he propped his elbow up on the chair arm and rested his head in his palm.

"I'm gonna change while no one's in here," Meredith peeled the scrub top off her and tossed it in the pile along with Derek's old gown. She unhooked her bra and wrung it out in the sink," Good thing Alex is nosey," she giggled," At first I thought he didn't pack me any underwear but I found some when I dug deeper," she shucked her pants off and wrung out her panties as well," Mind you they're not the sexiest ones I own," she pulled the band from her hair and let it fall down her back," Will you be okay if I shower while the drugs kick in?" she squatted at his feet to look directly at him.

"C-can I watch?" he smiled and tried for a laugh.

"Even a whipped dog can wag his tail with the right incentive," she giggled and kissed his hand," Of course, but we have to save the naughty stuff for when you feel a bit better," she stood and put the shower's seat back into it's cubby in the wall.

The water ran down her body, he almost wished she'd put him back to bed,' She knows this is torture,' he smirked,' I don't have the energy to make this worth her while.'

"You feeling all nice and tingly yet?" she rinsed the conditioner from her hair.

"It's not the drugs," he smiled at her and tried to ignore the fact his body was screaming at him.

Meredith soaped up and rinsed off quickly to get back to him, she turned off the water and dried off with a towel. She tied her hair up in a ponytail and pulled a fresh set of scrubs from her bag, she stepped into her pants and pulled the shirt over her head. He envied her ability to dress herself with such ease and vowed never to take that for granted again once this was over,' Once this is over?' he almost laughed at the thought,' I'm grinding my teeth to dust and holding my breath so I won't scream because I'm in so much pain,' a lock of hair fell into his eyes,' I don't even have enough coordination and strength to shower and clean myself,' shame hung over him like death's shroud.

"Hey, you feeling a bit better?" Meredith pushed him closer to the sink.

"Feel...shiick..." his hand fell limp in his lap, the room spun and his stomach convulsed.

"If you vomit you'll lose the meds," Meredith ran to the med cart," I can't give you more for at least six hours, I'll give you Promethazine."

"Nnno..." his speech slurred and his vision pixellated.

"If you throw up those meds you'll hurt again," he heard her footsteps as she entered the room again," Derek your family will be here in approximately three hours or less."

"No more drugs..." the Morphine hit hard, his body went numb and he felt like he was floating," I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" Meredith pulled a stool from the corner and sat next to him," Can you sit here so I can shave you?"

'Can I sit here?' Derek mulled the question over in his mind," Yeah," he took a few breaths and forced himself to pick his head up,' I'm so weak I can't hold my head up without exhausting myself and they have to drug me until I'm almost unconscious to keep me halfway comfortable,' he fought back a tear,' even then, the drugs don't touch the pain,' Meredith set his razor on the counter and started running hot water.

"Derek, don't push it, if I need to put you back in bed I can shave you there," she lifted his eyelid and checked his pupil," You're going back to bed, I'm getting a nurse in here to change the bedding while I do your dressings."

"Get Mark," he tensed at the thought of a nurse seeing him.

"Okay, stay there," her shoes squeaked as she exited.

'Where the hell am I going to go?' it was amusing how humor crept into his thoughts while medicated.

The door opened with a squeak and someone's shoes clicked across the floor, clicked? Meredith didn't wear heels often outside the hospital, let alone inside where her clumsiness might show and...'Wait,' he sniffed the air,' that's not her perfume,' his heart leapt into his throat,' who's there?' panic begin to set in as he struggled to lift his head enough to see into the mirror.

"Addison would have never left you like this," a familiar voice snaked its way to his brain, but he couldn't place it," I'm guessing since she practically ran into me on her way out of here, she didn't care enough to get you into bed."

"Merrr..." the Morphine slurred his speech.

"Ran off I'm afraid," a face was forming in his mind to match the voice.

"No, Merr..." a wave of nausea swept over him,' Don't throw up the meds,' he swallowed and only succeeded in making the feeling worse.

"I did not!" anger rose in her tone and her shoes chirped across the wet tiles as Meredith came into Derek's view.

"I'm guessing you didn't bother changing the sheets on his bed either?" the face in his mind crystallized and came into vivid color.

'Dammit,' chills ran down his spine and almost sobered him from his half-drunken, drug-induced state,' Nancy...'

"I'm not finished here, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave for now," Meredith set the bundle of supplies she'd gathered in a pillow case on the toilet seat.

"Visiting hours started half an hour ago," Nancy's stiletto appeared to his right.

"I'm asking you to leave for now, I'll come get you as soon as I'm finished here," Meredith hated repeating herself.

"I want to make sure you don't hurt him, he looks like a skeleton," she turned her nose up," Have you fed him at least?"

"Meredith," Mark pushed past Nancy with a puzzled look on his face," Let's get him back to bed."

"Did you change his sheets?" Meredith ignored Nancy's attacks at her quality of care.

"Yeah, I got him some new blankets too, they're a lot softer," Sloan wheeled Derek to his freshly made bed," I got him."

"You sure?" Meredith pulled the new blankets down to make room for him, she picked up his ankles and tried to set them down softly. His knee didn't consider how careful Meredith was to only bend it slightly, it sent angry jolts of pain up his being and made his squirm despite the drugs. He bit his lip and winced as his body settled and Mark slid his arms from beneath him.

"I'll help you," Mark went back to the bathroom for the pillowcase of wound care supplies.

"So you're letting bacteria get to his open wounds?" Nancy's voice was condescending.

"I had to clean the sites and wasn't planning on visitors," Meredith washed her hands in the sink by the bed and prepared a sterile field with a clean pillowcase.

"Where is he?" Ms. Shepherd called from the hallway," Derek!"

"Mmmmph..." Derek groaned.

Mark pulled the privacy curtain closed in front of Nancy and opened a gauze kit," I'm gonna try and be gentle," he lowered his voice and started dressing the wounds closest to him.

"Derek, if you start feeling sick or anxious they don't have to stay," Meredith whispered, she finished taping the wound vac to his side and kissed his cheek," If you start getting upset let me know, okay?" he licked his lips and nodded.

"Derek!" he recognized this voice to be his mother's," Derek, what's happened to you! I was out on business, I had no idea you were seriously hurt!" she had pulled the curtain back just as Meredith was buttoning his shirt.

He was barely aware his mother and sister were still in the room; but heard voices, all of them saying his name and most of them being loud," Merr..." his vision blurred and images of the attack flashed through his mind. Each one struck his consciousness with such impact he fought to remain awake, he saw the needle shine in the light from the overhead lights as Clark held the knife to his throat. He could smell the cologne his attacker was wearing, and felt the razor-sharp blade biting into his jawline. He jerked as the needle in the flashback bit into his neck; the memory fast forwarded suddenly and he was looking up at the ceiling in his car, his body convulsed as the flashback him was pulled back outside the car through the window and flung into the gas pump,' Not now,' sudden movements and the Morphine made the memories all the more real as he tried to get away from Clark. His body burned and he couldn't move, claustrophobia set in and his mind gave way and broke beneath the horrors playing like miniature movies in his head. Derek choked and gasped for air he couldn't seem to get, panic set in and he passed out.


	21. Sweet Sentiments

Chapter 21: Sweet Sentiments

Mark tried to hold Derek still while Meredith pulled more Valium," He's having a panic attack, no time for a central line."

"Fifty mils should calm him down," Meredith checked the dosage and pulled the blanket back," Derek, if you can hear me I'm giving you Diazepam."

"Merrrdithh!" his muscles stopped their spasms and his breathing slowed," Merrr..." his hand fumbled the sheets next to him.

"Right here, Derek," she put her hand in his and sat on the bed beside him," You should sleep now," she knew he wasn't coherent, he rarely had been during his panic attacks. This was a facade to keep his mother from knowing how mentally disturbed this attack had left him, she kissed his cheek as his eyes rolled and drifted shut.

"Is he okay?" Ms. Shepherd reached her hand out hesitant to touch him.

"The medications we have him on sometimes trigger panic attacks if there's a lot of stimulation around him," Meredith put an arm around her," It's just that in order to control his pain we've kept him sedated and when he's semi-conscious like this it's hard to tell the difference between reality and flashbacks."

"How bad is it?"

"It's not good," Mark lowered his eyes," he has multiple surgeries scheduled to repair the damages and even then his quality of life could never be the same again."

"You can hold his hand," Meredith lead Ms. Shepherd to the bedside.

"I'm afraid to touch him now," a tear slid down her cheek," he hasn't looked like this since..."

"Since dad died..." Nancy had her arms crossed in the corner of the room, but looked dejectedly at the floor as if she was trying to escape the scene in her own way.

"It's okay, he'll be asleep for about an hour or so," Meredith put Derek's hand in his mother's and smiled at her," He's not hurting," she offered.

"Who did this to him?"

"The husband of one of his patients," Meredith spent the next forty-five minutes explaining the backstory of how Clark's wife had died in recovery and how Derek had been attacked at the gas station following the 'trial' with the medical examiners.

"So there's a chance he could die?" Carolyn Shepherd's voice broke and a sob escaped her lips," Why would he hurt my son?"

"We're doing everything we can for him, he felt well enough for a quick shower today," Meredith usually wasn't good at the whole comfort and hug thing, but she couldn't stand seeing his mother cry," and he's conscious more often now," the two embraced and let the tears flow.

"Did they catch him?" Carolyn's voice shook.

"Not yet," Meredith sighed," he was worried about you all coming here because..."

"Don't try and lie for him," Nancy clenched her fist at her side," he ignored us, didn't visit for holidays or even return our phone calls because of you. The only reason we found out that he was even hurt was because Addison decided to..."

"Wait one second, how do you think I felt, huh?" Meredith stood," I walked into an OR, a place where I feel at home and where I have to work, to find Derek on the table," her face burned hot with anger," How dare you!"

"Let me guess, he didn't ask for us when he woke up?" Nancy crossed her arms again and turned her nose to the ceiling.

"Let's all calm down," Ms. Shepherd ran her hands through her hair," looks like he's about to wake up."

Meredith put a hand on his cheek," Derek?"

Derek's eyes fluttered," Merrrrr...?"

"Yeah, you feeling okay?" Meredith brushed her hand over his forehead.

"Hurtsh," his breath came fast.

"I'll put in a new central line and get you comfortable," Meredith snapped on gloves and grabbed an IV kit off the shelf," Sorry, I was a bit distracted," she glared in Nancy's direction.

"I think it'd be better if we got some privacy," Mark took Nancy by the arm and motioned for Carolyn to follow.

"Visiting hours end in a short while," Nancy snapped.

"Since this is a private wing, you can visit when he's feeling well enough to have visitors as long as it doesn't interfere with his recovery," Mark held out his hand to Nancy.

"I flew all the way from..."

"I'm afraid I have to insist," Mark raised his eyebrow.

"Nancy," Carolyn started," I'm sure Amelia has gotten here by now, let's go meet her."

"Little stick," Meredith scratched the skin's surface to overstimulate. The needle slid into his arm without resistance, he winced only slightly as she taped it in place," I'll start you on a loading dose of Morphine and some more Diazepam until we can get another PCA pump."

"Okay," Derek felt lightheaded like he was passing out while still conscious, his head fell to one side and every breath felt like he was breathing in nitrous oxide," Feel...high..."

"Hmmm?" Meredith hung Lactated Ringers on the IV pole and was hooking the port to the cannula.

"Too...much...air..." his hand moved to his chest and clutched at the shirt covering it.

"You had a panic attack," Meredith sat next to him," feelings of euphoria or severe anxiety afterwards are normal," he stared at her blankly," I know you know that, but experiencing it is different than reading about it."

"I got his meds, why don't you help him recover from that family get-together?" Mark had closed the door behind the Shepherds and was now at the med cart.

"Thanks," Meredith sat on the bed and ran her fingers through his hair," Frizzy hair won't do you know," she smiled," Just because you got hurt doesn't mean you get to look like it."

"Hehe...hhhssssstttt," he allowed himself a shallow chuckle before remembering the drugs wouldn't kick in for another hour.

"Sorry," she kissed his nose," I'm not used to this fragile Derek yet."

"I'm not used to the pain yet," he gazed into her eyes as he felt the IV move slightly, he leaned his head back as Mark pushed the drugs," I don't want to leave yet."

"It's okay," Meredith thought her heart would break," If you go to sleep you know I'll be here when you wake up."

"My mother hovers," he tried to get comfortable and succeeded in becoming the exact opposite.

"She's just concerned," Meredith offered.

"I want them gone, Mer," he licked his lips," Before these drugs force sleep on me again," he rolled his eyes," I'm lucid, he picked up his left arm and winced," See? I felt that."

"Derek..."

"Mer, I want them gone," he stared at the ceiling," I didn't want them to see me like this," the pain began to dull to a tolerable level," I don't want them to see me...weak."

"You're hardly weak..."

"Since dad died," his eyes blurred with tears," I..." he cleared his throat," I took care of things. I made sure Amelia got to school and Nancy did her homework, I cooked dinner when Mom was so distraught she was a zombie because of the tranquilizers, I..."

"Held it together so they didn't have to," Mark sat on the other side of his bed," Derek, I'll admit I'm not the happiest about their being here; but they needed to see you for them, not you," he paused to let the words sink in," They needed to make sure you were all right."

"I'm not all right..." he hung his head," I can't...I can't let them see...I heard the conversation."

"You did? I may have been a bit harsh..." Meredith started.

"She's right," he saw confusion on her face," I skipped holidays and never called and..."

"She doesn't have the right to be ugly to you though, Derek. Sure I understand, I'm sure my mother didn't want anyone seeing her the way she was either," Meredith lowered the head of the bed and cradled him in her arms," I didn't mean for them to come in when they did."

"It's not your fault."

"I won't let them in without your permission," Mark put a hand on top of Derek's reassuringly," If you don't want to see them you don't have to."

"It's jushhht ssshhhho much to deal with," the drugs were hitting hard.

"You've been through a lot; and you have a surgery coming up, if you consent, to continue the repairs on your knee."

"I will."

Meredith stroked his hair," I know you will; but this isn't going to be easy for you."

"In case you haven't noticed we're not going anywhere," Mark patted his hand," All bullshit aside, you're like the brother I never had and I'm not about to just up and leave."

"Thankshh," he blinked his eyes a few times to try and stay awake.

"Don't fight the drugs," a familiar smirk played on Mark's lips," They'll win like a dominatrix at a slumber party, you know."

"I'll dream."

"And it'll be of what we're going to do once you're well again," Meredith kissed his hair.

"If," Meredith felt his back tense," if I..."

"We can't let them do this to him," Meredith spoke softly once she was sure he was asleep.

"He was fine before they came, hell he got up for the first time in two weeks and his body was able to tolerate a shower!" Mark rubbed the back of his neck," The second they arrive and he relapses and we're sedating him again."

"He's just too vulnerable right now," she sighed," he was so embarrassed I almost didn't want to look at him, I still haven't gotten to shave off the beard he's been sporting."

"Too much stimulation and not enough rest," Mark agreed," So what do we do? We can't lock them out of his room."

"Unless we move him back to the Intensive Care Unit and enforce visiting hours," their gaze met and confident smiles crossed their faces.

"Intensive Care Unit?"

"He's having surgery in a few days and we need him to get as much rest as he can, I'm sorry but his condition has changed and visitors is not healthy for him," Meredith explained in a calm and collected voice when what she wanted to do was rip Nancy's head off.

"Where's my brother?" Amelia was racing down the hallway in jeans and a t-shirt.

"Amelia, come with me," Mark took her by the arm," I'll explain."

"I'm sorry, when he starts feeling up to it I can allow visitors but for now he's at a critical stage. He needs to rest up for surgery."

"So you're operating on someone whose vitals are unstable and suffers from high blood pressure and multiple unpredictable panic attacks? How intelligent."

Meredith's fist clenched at her side and she felt her face flush hot with anger, Mark pushed past her and interjected before the situation could escalate," This is what we think is best for him and the panic attacks are controllable with reduced stressors and stimuli," Nancy started to open her mouth," We are his doctors and have been monitoring his condition for the past two weeks and would appreciate it if you'd respect our opinions, this however is not mandatory and we need no consent so unless you're bleeding I need to get back to him."

"Wait til Mom hears this!" Nancy's features distorted and it was her turn to flush with anger.

Meredith was taken aback and numbly grabbed onto Amelia's arm and lead her to Derek's room as Nancy stormed off," I can make an exception for you, you see I actually like you and you don't make him want to pull his sutures out."

"What's happened?" Amelia whispered as the door to Derek's room closed behind her.

"Don't worry about waking him," Meredith secured the blanket around Derek's shoulders," he's sedated, the PCA pump lets him control the Morphine dosage and obviously he was hurting."

"Morphine?" Amelia covered her mouth with her hand," How bad is he hurt?"

"I didn't want to make it sound too bad over the phone, but Derek's not doing so well," the door opened and Mark stepped in behind her.

"Oh my God..." a tear slid down her cheek," Derek?" her legs buckled beneath her and Mark caught her as she collapsed.

"Well at least he's stable now," Meredith tried to offer some comfort.

"D-Derek..." Amelia's hands shook as she let Mark lead her to the bed.

"Amy, he's okay," Mark turned her into him and patted her back.

"No!" she cried," No he's not okay, I'm not my mother or Nancy, Mark! I'm a doctor, I haven't seen his chart but I don't have to to know how seriously *messed up* he is!" she beat a fist against his chest as she cried," Don't tell me he's okay!"

"Amelia, I can only imagine what this must be like for you," Meredith put a hand on her shoulder," With all the tubes and equipment and..."

"Amy...?" a faint whisper passed Derek's lips.

"Derek!" she gripped the bedrail until her knuckles turned white to keep herself from touching him.

"Don't cry," he licked his lips and blinked his eyes to try and shake sleep away," I..." he picked up his head a bit to see her better," I really am...okay," the drugs drained his strength and his head resigned itself to the pillow again.

"Okay, I won't...I won't cry," she dried her eyes," I always cried on you," she sniffled," It's just...you're the only person I could relate to after...after..." her voice broke and tears flowed again," I'm sorry, I..."

"Amy," Derek fought the drugs and tried to work his hand from beneath the blanket," I didn't want you here until," he swallowed and winced," until I was better."

"Derek, you were there!" she didn't bother drying her eyes," You were there for me when dad died and no one else understood, you never made fun of me for crying or sneaking into your room to have someone near me that understood!"

"I wanted you here," he managed to work his hand free and held it open for her.

"No! My point was, you've seen me at my worst. You were the shoulder I ran to cry on, you were the brother I could always count on to listen and be there and I thought that if you ever needed anything I'd be there and I wasn't," she put her hand in his and held it close to her.

"Amy, I was the strong one, I didn't want you seeing me break," he squeezed her hand," I wanted to stay that way, I knew what it would do to you if you saw me like this," he tried to reposition to get some sort of comfort.

"You know someday you have to stop trying to protect me," she sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"We were in the back of the store, Dad had just given you two pennies. You always hid them behind the counter in this big crack in the floorboards," he smiled on the memory," he said you were saving them so you could buy a town."

"Hehe, I remember," she pushed her hair behind her ear.

"And then the two guys came in, we could hear them talking but you weren't paying attention until Dad yelled and you looked up," he closed his eyes," they had already pulled a gun they had already taken the money, and now they wanted the watch that Mom gave him," he sighed and his eyes teared," and he wouldn't give it up," he shook his head slightly," there was a gunshot, you lunged forward."

"I remember, I was trying to get to him," she laughed nervously," but I couldn't move."

"It's because I was holding you so tight that you couldn't budge," the two exchanged a look of understanding and raw emotion filled Amelia's eyes," I put one hand over your mouth so you wouldn't scream, I put the other one around you and just held on for dear life. I prayed to God that you'd be quiet and wouldn't say anything, you were so little..." a tear slid down his cheek," I think that's what I've wanted all these years is for you to stay...little and quiet and safe," he took in a deep shaky breath," So no, I didn't want you here seeing me like I saw you. I didn't want your image of me tarnished, for you to see me broken and quiet and weak."

"Derek, you survived," she pulled a tissue from the box on the bedside table and dried his eyes," I could never see you as weak."

"I've never talked to anyone about what happened that night," he struggled to sit up," I knew if you saw me break," he grunted slightly with effort, Mark went to the other side of the bed and put a hand beneath his back to support him," you'd break too."

Amelia put her arms around him and kissed his forehead," You taught me strength," she ran her fingers through his hair," isn't never showing how upset things make you, we cried for days solid. Strength is how you move on from that pain, and I've been okay."

"I love you," he lay back on the mattress and exhaustion took over," but I don't want you worrying or taking care of me, you'll spoil me," he laughed a bit.

"I'll take care of Mom, Nancy and Addison then," she brushed his cheek with her hand," But if you need something you'd better damned well call or text or have Meredith come get me," she dried her eyes and blew her nose.

"Promise," he smiled.

"I'll be back when you feel more yourself?" she winked at him.

"I'll be waiting on you," he tried to wink back and found coordination failed him," You know I'm high as a kite right now, huh?" he chuckled and motioned to the PCA pump next to his hand on the other side of the bed.

"You don't talk about Dad unless you're drunk or stoned," Amelia picked up her purse," I'll respect that you don't want people seeing you when you're not yourself, but on your good days..."

"You'll be the firssshhhht perssshhhon I call," the Morphine began taking over his speech," Sheeya," smile still on his lips, his eyes drifted closed.

"Thank you," Amelia looked at Mark and then Meredith," for letting me see him."

"We'll let you sneak in here when we can, but it's only because you don't stress him out," Meredith put a hand on her shoulder," I know you see him as the big tough older brother but for now, he's scared and fragile and doesn't want you to see that side of him."

"Can I check in on him even if he's asleep just to see how he is?" she hugged Meredith," He doesn't have to know."

"No he doesn't," Meredith welcomed the embrace," as long as you keep the other sister at bay you can come by when you like, unless he's having a bad day we'll let you in."

"It's great to see you, Amy," Mark ruffled her hair a bit," Sorry about the fake snake in your room when we left for med school."

"That was you?" her smile turned playful as she and Mark giggled," I should kill you!"

"Go have lunch, Mark," Meredith shooed the two of them away," you deserve it."

"I'll be back before the pre-op exam."

"That's only a few hours away, huh?" Meredith checked her watch.

"Yeah Callie wants to talk about scheduling him for tomorrow if he looks good," he lead Amelia through the door and let it click shut behind them.

"So it wasn't just me you wouldn't let in..." Meredith pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes and smirked," I was hoping to shave you before you went lights out again."

"Sshhtill here..." he slurred," Shhhhorta anyway."

"You hurting again?" she rummaged through his duffel bag.

"Yeah," he stretched his neck a bit," that wasshh exting..."

"Hmmm? Oh you mean exhausting?" she smiled," I kinda like it when you're stoned," she rubbed noses with him," your sense of humor definitely improves."

"When I'm 'wake," his words seemed to meld together as if it was too much work for his tongue to differenciate between the syllables.

"Do you want me to get rid of that beard you're rockin'?" she set shaving cream and his razor on the table.

"Be nishhhe."

"'Kay," she ran hot water in the sink next to the bed," Because once I do you know I'll kiss you again," she teased.

"You depried me for too long," he giggled.

"Hold still, silly," she put a warm towel over his mouth," and shush or that'll fall," she poked at his nose playfully," if you move too much this could turn tragic real quick," she started spreading the shaving gel on his cheeks," So when you're conscious and not on so much Diazepam that you get a few lucid thoughts, you're a happy stoner," she put a dollop on his nose and smiled.

"No flassshhhbackssshhh," he sighed," you keep them 'way."

"I try," she turned his head to the side a bit," You know once the loading dose wears off the 'don't worry be happy attitude' might go with it," she took the razor out of the basin of water," Be still."

"I hope no..." her fingers on his jawline triggered a memory.

==FLASHBACK==

Cold steel on his throat, two of Clark's fingers on his jaw, and a syringe filled with who knows what aimed at his jugular. A million thoughts rushed through his mind,' Life flashing before my eyes,' if he hadn't been petrified he'd have found humor in his brain's attempt to block the situation. The blade sunk into his neck as he tried to move away as Clark made it very clear escape was impossible.

==END FLASHBACK==

Derek sat up and pushed Meredith's hand away, he gasped for air and grabbed at his neck trying to stimulate the area and reassure himself that there was no knife at his throat. His lungs burned as he gasped for air," Y-you don't...don't want to..."

"Derek, I'm sorry," Meredith jerked her hands back," Look, no one's touching you," she sat next to him," no one's hurting you, it's okay."

"Merrrdith..." his back arched and he reached a hand out.

"I'm here," she put her hand in his and held it tightly," Just breathe."

"K-knife..." he panted as his breath returned," he put a...knife to my throat..."

"Do you need to talk about it?" Meredith took his electric razor out of the duffel bag," I can use this instead," she held it up.

"'Kay," he blinked and shook his head slightly," I haven't been shcared...shince Dad..." he swallowed," I thought he was gonna..."

"You need me to do this another time?" Meredith ran her fingers through his hair to comfort him," It can wait."

"No," he turned towards her," fashe ishes."

"Okay, if you need me to stop let me know," she turned on the razor and started on his sideburns.

"All I could think about," sapphire blue eyes filled with raw emotion stared back at her," wasszzh I couldn't leave you."

"You know I hate bad breakups," she rinsed the razor and continued.

"I hurt him," he turned towards her to give her access to his other side," itssshhh why I'm 'live."

"Self-defense," she spread some lotion on his face to prevent razor rash," he attacked you."

"I became a doctor," he nuzzled into her touch," to help people. For the firsshht time I wanted to kill."

"If you had killed him you'd be justified."

"He hurt you," he put a hand on her belly," and threa..." he sniffed and fought back tears of rage," threatened our shild..."

"The police know you're innocent and they know who did this, he'll be caught soon," Meredith curled up beneath his uninjured arm and put her cheek against his," I said I wasn't leaving until he's caught, I haven't."

"Sshcared he'll do thish to you," he put his hand on her leg.

"No, Derek," she savored the smoothness of his skin," and you can't think about stuff like that," their lips met and he leaned into her kiss. Gentle at first and deepening within seconds, he seemed hungry for her and rubbed her leg," Easy," she pulled back as his breath quickened," don't push yourself too much, remember the drugs aren't permanent."

"Ish too bad," his breathing regulated.

"You know I have to put the equipment back on you," Meredith trailed a finger down his hairline.

"No y'don't," she drank in his smile like it was the gods' nectar.

"If I don't you'll get infected and feel worse," she unbuttoned his shirt," you're already a bit sniffly."

"They ishhh," he nosed her cheek," and I can't shleep 'cause they hurt."

"Sorry, but if I let you get bad again Mark's gonna kill me," she kissed his lips lightly and lingered for a moment before pulling back," I'll do it before those drugs wear off completely."

"'Tired..." he leaned into her to try and make her stay in bed.

"I'll be fast," it was painful to get away from him, but she managed to grab the rest of the equipment out of the pillowcase she'd put the fresh bandages in.

"How musshh 'm I on?" he lay his head back and reveled in pain-free relaxation for a change.

"A lot," Meredith smiled as she put on gloves," More than I was supposed to give you but obviously enough to get you stoned," she poked his nose.

"Why can't 'feel like thish all th'time?" he sighed," 'shides the sllurr I feel good."

"If I kept you on this high of a dose all the time your brain would eat itself in a matter of days and you'd turn into one of those college kids behind the school lighting one up before you performed surgery," she stuck the EKG leads on his chest and started on the surgical site they hadn't been able to fully close," When I pull this tape off it might hurt, I kept this one covered while you showered to keep it from getting too much air," she worked the edge of the tape up and started pulling it off," You okay?"

"Don' feel it," he breathed in and out slowly.

"Good," she tossed the dressing in the bedside biohazard can," then this is the perfect time to clean it."

"Can I shtay 'wake more now?" his eyes pleaded with her.

"If you don't hurt, you can stay awake," she finished with his side and moved to his chest," I won't let you hurt."

"Shtill hurts but I can take it for now," Meredith noticed his speech getting slightly better and guessed the drugs' loading dose was almost over.

"I can't give you more without overdosing you for another three hours," she taped gauze in place over a laceration," So don't sober up too much."

"You'll stay?" for once his features looked almost child-like, as if he was asking Mom to stay up and watch a scary movie he was too young for.

"I'll stay," she bagged the empty pouches and instruments," you know I won't leave, Derek." 

* * *

AN: Lot of talking in this one, but I'm building up to something so stick with me :)


	22. Novacaine

A lot of emotional drama going on in this chapter, and no I haven't forgotten the main storyline with Clark and all that jazz; just stick it out :) Lots of bonding and emotional healing in this one, so it might jerk a tear bc it's just so darned cute! Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 22: Novacaine

"I know you don't deal a whole lot into ortho, but even if you know how to perform the procedure just humor me and listen anyway," Callie stood at the foot of the bed as she went over the his chart and details on the procedure," Once you're under I make an eight inch incision and remove the damaged parts of your knee. I'll then replace it with an artificial joint, it'll work just like before this happened; but you'll need a lot of therapy."

"So tomorrow then?" he squeezed Meredith's hand.

"If you're ready, do you have any questions?" Callie closed the chart and leaned on the bedrail.

"Can Meredith stay if I don't get fully sedated?"

"You don't want to be fully under?" Torres looked concerned," After your flashbacks and recent experience in the OR I think..."

"Can she?"

"It won't bother me," Callie patted his leg," it's a pretty scary thing I understand."

"Thanks," he breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'll see you tomorrow bright and early, Dr. Shepherd," she gathered her papers and headed for the door," Try and get some rest."

"I'd have said no," he winced as he turned towards Meredith," if she'd said you couldn't be there."

"No, you'd have requested full sedation," Meredith sat next to him and ran her fingers down his face.

"Does Amy know?"

"That you're scheduled for tomorrow?" he nodded," Yeah, she's coming to see you in a bit."

"And my mother?"

"Do you want me to get her?" Meredith kissed his nose.

"Yeah, I miss her," he shuddered and put a hand on his side.

"You okay?"

"Feels like...getting stabbed all over again," he grit his teeth," every time I breath too deep."

"Should we wait to do the knee replacement?" Meredith searched his face," You have to start walking the day after to get the best results and I'm not sure if you have the strength to hold yourself up or catch yourself," he closed his eyes," If you want to do the surgery tomorrow, and you want to start the therapy the day after you know I'll be there."

"I want it over with," Derek's side stung and his eyes watered," I want to go home."

"I want you home," Meredith's voice broke," I want this to be over just as badly as you do. It kills me to see you hurting."

"It's not as bad now."

"Derek, therapy will be painful. Walking for the first time in three weeks would have been bad enough. You're undergoing a major surgery that will not only limit your medications and how comfortable we can keep you, but it will also compromise your immune system and put you at greater risk for infection in the wounds you already have."

"You'll be there," he put a hand on her cheek," I may feel as weak as a kitten, but I'm fighting like hell."

"I know you are," she kissed him deeply," and I'm very proud of you."

"Dinner?" his growling stomach changed the subject.

"Right, umm I can have Mark go out and get you whatever you want," she pulled her cell from her pocket," but it'll be the last thing you can eat before surgery, anything in particular?"

"Something fried and otherwise bad for me," he flashed her a smile that could charm water from a rock.

"So?"

"Seafood," he stretched his neck," fried catfish and steamed vegetables."

"You got it," she unlocked her phone and started dialing.

"Can we lay off the dope so I can..." his voice trailed off.

"Huh? what?"

"So you won't have to feed me," his face flushed and his gaze fell to his lap.

"Derek, you know I don't..."

"I'm feeling a bit," he paused and his lips mouthed for a word his mind couldn't seem to find," feeble."

"If I let you try and it doesn't work out, you promise not to get all McWeepy on me?" Meredith pushed call on her phone.

"Promise," Derek waited until she turned around and raised his right hand into his vision. He tried touching his thumb with each of his fingers, they moved slowly and were not as responsive as he'd expected due to lack of drugs.

Mark and Amelia had run into Ms. Shepherd on their way back from lunch," So he's scheduled for surgery tomorrow?" Carolyn wrung her hands.

"Yeah, I missed the pre-op exam but I will be assisting with the procedure," Mark put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.

"And the recovery?" Amelia chewed on her thumbnail.

"Long and starts almost as soon as the anesthesia wears off," Mark motioned for them to follow him," He's got to meet with a physical therapist soon after he's awake for ambulatory range of motion exercises, which will get the blood flowing and reduce the inflammation in the area. We'll probably start him on..." he stopped as they neared Derek's room," He's going to be fine," he turned to face them," it isn't risky as far as life-threatening but it will be very difficult and more painful than anyone could imagine. He needs support without people hovering, so no pity," he opened the door and stepped inside.

"Mark!" a smile crossed Meredith's face," I was about to call you and see if you'd go grab the dinner I just ordered from the Seafood Shack around the corner."

"I can have Nancy grab it, she's hot on my heels," he said out of the corner of his mouth.

"So is Satan gone or are we allowed back in?" Nancy and Addison strode across the room, arms locked in one another.

"According to Derek, I hold the title of Satan," Addison giggled.

"You are Satan," Derek winced as he tried to laugh.

"So I hear ortho's carving you up like a Thanksgiving turkey tomorrow," Nancy moved Mark out of the way and perched on the bed next to her brother.

"Callie Torres is our head of orthopedic surgery and one of the best," Meredith growled.

"Listen, little brother," Nancy put two fingers beneath his chin and lifted his face a bit," If you get cold feet have them page me, I'll take you away from this dank dark dungeon in Seattle to Addison's more than capable hands."

"Nancy," he pulled away from her avoiding a flashback," are you here simply to annoy me?"

"Derek," Carolyn brushed his hair sideways, Meredith saw a very noticeable flinch and assumed it was a pet peeve of his," don't blame your sister, you did drop off the face of the planet," she turned to Nancy," but she should be more forgiving."

"She should," Derek felt his anxiety rise and clawed at his hair to put it back to its messy pushed back style.

"He needs to eat," Meredith pushed past the crowd," Would someone go get his dinner from the Seafood Shack? It's only a block over."

"How about we take a drive?" Mark put his arm around Nancy and flashed her his best and most charming smile, the one that usually hinted of things to come.

"Fine, but you're paying for lunch," Nancy threw her purse over her shoulder, she turned back to Derek once more," The only reason I'm not raising more hell about this surgery tomorrow is because Mark is assisting and he won't let anyone screw up," with that she took Mark by the arm and stalked out of the room, her stilettos clicking on the tiles.

"Callie's gonna take good care of your son," Meredith put a hand on Ms. Shepherd's and tried to sound positive and encouraging.

"I'll be fine, Mom," the lightheadedness was still present but at least his ears weren't ringing anymore," I've seen her..."

"It's different when it's someone you care about, Derek," Carolyn sat next to him and put a hand on his cheek.

"I trust your judgement," Amelia sat on the other side of him," Can I?" she reached a hand out to him hesitantly.

"That shoulder's fine," he raised his arm and nodded for her to get closer.

"Your leg," she looked towards the foot of the bed," I don't want to..."

"Meredith," she knew what he wanted before he even got the words out.

"Just relax the muscles and don't tense up," she moved the bottom of the blanket aside and carefully moved his leg towards the middle of the bed. His eyes shut tight and he held his breath, but didn't even whimper," Comfy?" he nodded.

"It's just with the surgery for tomorrow I..." Amelia shed her jacket and hung it over the headboard.

"I'm not made of glass," he raised his arm for her lay against and leaned onto his right shoulder for support. He drew in a hissed breath and groaned a bit as Amelia put her legs next to his, she froze and slowly turned to look at him," Other arm," he caught his breath," I put weight on it," she nodded and took shelter in the hollow of his neck between his shoulder and throat.

"We'll give you two a moment," Meredith took Carolyn my the arm and lead her out of the room.

"Thanks," Derek nodded to Meredith and caressed Amelia's arm.

Once alone, he nuzzled into her hair and whispered," Just like when we were kids and you had a nightmare," he felt something wet on his shoulder and a drop run down his chest," Amy, I don't want you to freak out but either you're crying or I'm bleeding."

Amelia pulled the blanket back and snuggled beneath it," Can we be kids again, Der-Der?" she ran her hand lightly over his stomach to find the wounds and avoid them as she held onto him.

"Oh Amy," he turned into her. Even though it hurt, he put his right arm over her like he did when she was a child as if to shield her from all the dangers and pains of the world," You haven't called me that in years," he kissed her forehead, and her body shook as she cried," Shhhh, it's okay now," he held her for what seemed like forever.

"Please," she put her head on the pillow next to his and pulled back a bit so she could see his face," please Derek, don't make me leave. I'll help you, I can help dress your wounds and..."

"Amy," he pushed her hair out of her eyes with the remaining coordination in his right arm," I don't want you to leave," he tucked under her chin," The only thing I missed when I left home was you. I love you, Amy," he felt a tear escape his eye.

"I love you too, Derek," she kissed his cheek," I was so scared when Meredith told me you were hurt, I wasn't in the country is the reason I didn't answer. I was doing the 'Doctors Without Borders' in China and I caught the first plane I could..."

"I knew you'd come," he relaxed as she rubbed his back.

"All the things you did for me when I was afraid and hurting, I can finally repay you," she stared into his eyes," I know you're not good at it, but let me. For once, stop thinking about me and just let me take care of you," she pressed her forehead against his lips," I saw the emptiness in your eyes after Dad died, you'd just gotten that sparkle in your smile when you'd met Meredith and now it's fading."

"Amy..." he held her as tight as his injuries would allow.

"I don't want it to go away," she put a hand on his neck near the puncture site where he'd been drugged, he flinched and grit his teeth.

"Meredith's going to need help with me," he looked directly into her eyes," Amy, you want in, I'll let you in. The reason no one's been allowed to see me or been kept completely up to date is because I'm in so much pain, constant pain, I've been sedated. I'd wake up for a few minutes to see Meredith or use the bathroom or eat when I could, but right now the only thing keeping me remotely comfortable is a massive amount of drugs. I'm steadily being loaded with Morphine and Valium, I have nightmares now. I wake up screaming like you did when you were a child, I hate being halfway sober because when I am I hurt so badly I pray for it to get worse so I can pass out. I'm a wreck..." he looked away from her," I'm...I'm scared."

"I can make it easier on you," Amelia stroked his cheek with her thumb," I'll be here every step of the way, don't be afraid."

"It's going to get much worse, tomorrow I'm scheduled for a surgery whose road to recovery is paved in agony. I need you and Meredith," his eyes teared up," Otherwise, I won't make it. Everyday I wake up, I fight," she bit her lip," I fight to wake up, then I fight embarassment when I have to use a bedpan, then I fight through the pain until the next dose of drugs, Amy I can't handle Nancy and Mom."

"You don't have to," she helped him turn onto his back," I see the pain in your eyes," she readjusted the blanket.

"It was worth it," he cringed as his arm rolled over next to him.

"You need to eat now," she dried her eyes," I'm sorry I'm all..." she wriggled from beneath the blanket as carefully as she could without bumping into him.

"Don't be," his smile radiated off his face," my smile's back."

Meredith knocked on the door and entered with a brown paper bag of dinner," I sent everyone else home," she began taking out the contents of the bag," It's getting late and you need to eat and then get some rest."

"I'll just..." Amelia got up and grabbed her purse.

"Amy, do you mind if I call you Amy?" Meredith caught her elbow, Amelia shook her head," I'm actually getting him set up in a recovery room with a couch and an extra bed, you're welcome to stay. For tonight all I can offer is the couch, but..."

"Thanks Meredith," Amelia's face brightened, she and Derek exchanged a quick glance and a wink.

"Fried catfish and veggies," Meredith popped the lid off the plastic platter and opened the silverware," and as requested, you can try this yourself tonight," she tried to show hope on her face and confidence, but in the back of her mind there was doubt in his progress.

Derek tried to grasp the fork for several minutes before becoming frustrated and exhausted," I can't."

"It's okay," Meredith sat on the bed next to him," I didn't figure you could yet, but it was worth a shot. Once you're finished, you get your last dose of drugs before surgery so I'm making it a good one to help you sleep."

"Okay," he picked his head up and focused on the catfish. Amelia pulled a chair near his bed and her hand found his as he ate, he relaxed and enjoyed his meal for once. No interruptions, no family making him crazy, no worries of Clark coming back to kill him, for a change his mind was quiet and peaceful.

"Take these," Meredith handed him a pill cup.

"Mer, let Amy stay in the OR tomorrow if she wants," he swallowed and leaned back to wait for the drugs to work.

"Do you want to stay in the OR with him or just while we put him under?" Meredith turned to her.

"If I'm not in the way, but I'm not sure if I could watch without getting sick so I..."

"We'll let you into pre-op while we send him to the twighlight zone," Meredith gestured to the couch," You should get some sleep, pre-op's in 7 hours."

"Where will you sleep?"

"With him," Meredith snuggled under the blanket where Amelia had been only half an hour ago and lowered the head of the bed," Good night, Derek. Love you," she kissed him deeply.

"Love you, Mer," Meredith felt his lips go slack in their kiss as he drifted to sleep.

Meredith woke suddenly to someone shaking her, she heard Derek moan and her eyes popped open. She turned to him and patted his face to get him conscious," Derek!" she called soothingly," Wake up, it's just a dream."

"What's wrong?" Amelia was now at the bedside and looking worried.

"Nightmares," Meredith's pats became small, but sharp, slaps on his cheek," Derek, wake up!"

"Meredith!" he jerked awake and grabbed for her, grasping a handful of her shirt in his fist.

"It was just a dream, Derek," Meredith ran her fingers through his hair and down his neck.

"And Amy?" he panted and groped in the darkness beside him.

"You're okay," Amelia grabbed his hand and sat next to him," I'm here too."

"Clark...here..." his sentence ran together and his eyes fluttered closed.

"No, Derek, we're here," Amelia squeezed his hand," Go back to sleep."

For Meredith, morning came all too quickly as Mark opened the blinds," Time to prep him and get him on the table," he kicked the wheel locks off the wheels of the bed and hung the IV bags on the headboard," Derek, how you feelin'?'

"Drugs wore off," his breathing was shallow and pained.

"We'll get you feeling better once we get to the OR, don't worry," Mark roused Meredith and handed her a fresh set of scrubs," Go change, you're scrubbing in," he tossed a set at Amelia too," both of you," he started moving the bed," We'll be in pre-op waiting on you."

"Okay, Derek we're right behind you," Meredith kissed him lightly before Mark got out the door," Love you," she called behind them.

"He's scared," Amelia pulled her sweater over her head.

"I know, I can see it on his face," Meredith folded her clothes and put them in the cabinet in the corner of the room.

Derek felt like someone was sitting on his chest, the drugs had sharpened his senses but completely drained his strength. Mark locked unbuttoned his shirt and helped him sit up," I know you're not feeling so great right now, but can you get your good arm out of the sleeve?" Derek leaned heavily on Mark's shoulder and bicep as he dragged his arm behind him, he twisted a bit to try and free his arm of the shirt and gasped," Take it easy," he slid the shirt away and gently put his arm back in his lap," No drugs for another half hour."

"Mark," Derek slumped against him, debilitated from exertion.

"Yeah?" Sloan put his arm around Derek's side and repositioned his head so it was against his chest," I'll try to be gentle with this," he gathered the bulk of the fabric in his hand and carefully pulled it over the dressing on Shepherd's shoulder.

"Ugh," Derek let out a choked groan and his breath hitched.

"Sorry, I know that hurt," Mark put the shirt in a post-op linen bag," but I get to see you in this sexy hospital garb again," he smiled warmly even though he knew Derek couldn't see him," What were you going to say?"

"Post-op," he started," I don't do well with anesthesia," Mark put a surgical sheet behind his back and a foam pillow behind his neck as he lay down.

"I'll give you some Promethazine when you get out of surgery," he pushed Derek's hair out of his eyes as he put a surgical cap on him," Wait, you decided to go under completely?"

"Yeah, honestly Mark. I'm terrified. Tell Meredith and Amy," he shivered," Don't want them..."  
"Derek, you're gonna do fine," Mark pulled his socks off his feet," Don't try to help me with this," he tucked the drape into the waistband of Derek's boxers for privacy," you're not on nearly enough drugs to assist," he gripped the elastic and managed to keep his friend covered as he slid them over his hips and just above his knees. Derek's back arched and he bit his lip as the fabric brushed sutures," Deep breath," he raised Derek's ankles and pulled the boxers around them. Sloan saw him brace for the impact of agony he was sure would come, he winced himself as he heard the sharp quick inhale followed by a whimper as he set Derek's heels on the table," You...?" his voice trailed off and he put the boxers in the linen bag with the shirt.

"Uuugrrrhh," a growl tore from his throat, better than a scream in his opinion," Fine..." he managed to speak between breaths.

"You're not going to like me too much, but since we don't know how long you're going to be under exactly," Mark set a plastic package on his stomach," so I have to cath you."

"You're right," Derek tried to slough off the embarassment with humor," I don't like you."

"I know, I'll try to make it quick and painless," he opened the package and lay out the equipment," You know, I could probly sneak some topical Lidocaine over here from the cart to make you more comfortable."

"Mark, nothing is going to make the fact that you have to see what only Meredith is supposed to see, again mind you, any easier," his face burned hot.

"But it could make it less physically painful."

"I'm hurting so bad I don't think I'll notice," he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling," Just get it over with."

"Okay," Mark sterile gloved and pulled the iodine swabs out of their packet, he tried to think of something to say to distract Derek from the procedure but small talk wasn't coming easily this time," It's good to see Amy again," he finally thought of something intelligent to say.

"Ye-AH!" Derek flinched as Mark touched him," she's really grown up," he closed his eyes and tried to think about something else, the iodine was cold against his skin as the area was...prepped.

"Deep breaths, Derek, you're doing fine," Mark felt the tissue beneath his fingers twitch and turned red himself,' Great, I get to catheterize the guy who's like my brother and as if that's not bad enough, he's been deprived of sex for almost three full weeks,' he cleared his throat and tested the balloon on the end of the tubing for leaks by inflating it with the saline-filed syringe at the other end.

"Mark...I'm..." Derek fumbled for words as he tried to think of something other than the soft touch on his lower region, his body betrayed him and his face flushed. A tear of shame threatened as blood flowed to the wrong area,' I didn't expect that the first erection I'd get after the attack would be from anyone but Meredith, it's not like he doesn't notice,' he ground his teeth and tried to will his body to cool off.

"Don't, this isn't weird, after all you're a bit accustomed to Meredith being down here," he dipped the end of the tubing in the lubrication," It's your body's natural response," he picked up the catheter," This might make my job a bit easier on me."

"For God's sake, Mark!" Derek raised his voice even though it made his back ache," Someone could come in here!"

"I'm blocking their view of you," Mark spread a bit of the lub around the opening," Deep breath for me," he waited until Derek's breathing regulated and he heard a deep hiss in," Good, and out," Derek sighed and he pushed.

"Holy shit!" Derek cursed as his body squirmed and tried to reject whatever what happening to it. His muscles seized up and shock waves of anguish tore through his body, he grit his teeth and growled low in his throat to conceal a scream.

"You did good," Mark made sure everything was in place and cleaned up the supply kit," I knew that was gonna hurt like hell."

"No...warning?" his breath came in ragged gasps.

"Figured it was better for you not to brace for it, you'd only have made it worse on yourself," he came back into Derek's view," Sorry, I also thought you wouldn't want Meredith to do that while you were conscious, I mean if you're lights out there's no pain or embarassment."

"Yeah," his breathing began to regulate, but his lungs burned and his face was still fiery red.

"As soon as I secure your central line I'll go suit up and we'll be ready to start when Callie, Meredith, and Amelia get here," he pulled a stool near Derek's head and just sat for a moment, remembering the first surgery. The screams, the restraints, and the blood, oh the blood," I'm going to risk sounding a bit gay for a minute."

"Okay," Derek turned his head to see Mark's face.

"You're the only constant thing in my life, you're the person who's kept me in line my entire life. You're the brother I never had, Derek, and I love you," he wiped his eyes, Derek smiled," Told you it sounded gay," he choked on a laugh.

"Love you too, Mark," Derek nodded," It's funny, I tell Meredith I love her everyday because we live together and it's easy; but it took me almost dying to say that to anyone else."

"When that nurse puts you under, you focus on staying here with us," Mark put a hand in his," there are a lot of people who can't live without you, so you keep fighting."

"I won't let you down," he blinked and licked his lips," I've done a good job so far, right?"

The doors whooshed open and Meredith, Amelia, and Callie came in followed by Owen and Yang," Derek," Owen pulled his mask over his mouth," I haven't had much time to check in on you but I wanted to be here for you, I'm your anesthesiologist for the day."

"Good to see you again," his lungs burned for air as panic rose in his throat, he swallowed in an attempt to make it stop and coughed.

"Derek, this is risky and I know you've been informed," Hunt stood over him, staring," but are you sure you want full sedation?"

"Y-yes," his hands shook and he tried to breathe evenly.

"Hey bro," Amelia kissed his forehead.

"Derek," Meredith came into view.

"Mer," he licked his lips, she nodded at him to acknowledge his plea," Kiss me?" he whispered.

"Sure," she leaned in and pressed her lips to his as if it would be the last time they would ever meet.

"I'm scared," he nosed her cheek.

"I know," she could see the fear in his eyes, they were wide and glassy and the pupils were dilated," I know you're scared, but I'm right here."

"Derek, I need you to count backwards from ten for me," Hunt readied the syringe.

"T-ten," his voice shook and his breathing picked up," n-nine...eight...se..." his eyes rolled upwards in their sockets as he succumbed to the drugs.

"Okay, let's intubate and pull a curtain and fix his knee," Callie positioned a drape around the area and nodded to Mark.

"Amelia, stay at his head," Mark held up a hand to her.

"'Kay," she took a deep shaky breath.

"Anyone know why he wanted to be fully under and take the extra risk?" Owen watched the monitors closely.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives," Callie turned to Mark," Fifteen blade," she positioned it above the shattered patella and made a long deep incision to mid shin.

Derek drifted into sleep and woke in a dream world, he was at the gas station in his car with his head on the steering wheel just like he'd been the night of the attack. Something was different, the car door opened and Clark pulled him out. That was the same. He hit the gas pump and felt the kick to his ribs, his body jerked and he landed onto his back. That was the same too. He rolled to his stomach and started to try and get up, Clark called him a murderer and a butcher and continued hitting him. He collapsed and Clark's footsteps became slightly further away. What the hell was different? He got to his knees and moved towards the car in an attempt to get his cellphone, he heard Gary's shoes crunch over the concrete as he rushed him. He turned just in time and threw a right hook that caught him under the jaw,' There's the difference.'

Callie scraped pieces of bone away from the muscles and tendons encasing the bursae that had all but exploded inside his joint from the pressure," Irrigation," Mark rinsed the area clean of the loose fragments," I'm replacing the bursae with a silicone implant that should act in its place," she talked herself through the steps," Drill," she drilled holes around the bone where the screws would need to hold the artificial joint in place," she placed the metal on the site to check for a fit," Chisel."

Amelia turned ghost white as she heard the various carpentry-like instruments whirring and buzzing, but the chisel made her want to vomit. Her vision blurred into tiny pixels and she forcer herself to focus on Derek, she ran her hands through his hair and put her cheek on his forehead," Almost finished, bro," she whispered, though no one could hear it for the noise.

"Meredith," Callie motioned for her," you hold this one here," Mark, hold this one," she put the ends of the new 'bones' in their hands," I think I have a match but I want to be sure it's fully functional and that a femoral and tibial reconstruction isn't needed. I don't want to have to reopen this once I close."

Derek watched Clark stagger backwards from the force of the blow, he felt a sense of accomplishment," I didn't kill her," Clark came at him again," I did everything I could," he ducked out of the way as Clark swung wide and landed an uppercut just below his attacker's sternum.

He took satisfaction in standing up for himself,' This is the way things should have gone,' he felt a gratifying crack beneath his knuckles as they connected with Clark's nose. Every time he'd lash out to strike, Derek dodged and landed a counterattack. Finally, he stood over Clark, the way Clark had stood over him when he debated on letting him live or killing him," I am sorry for your loss," he stepped sideways and leaned against the fender of his Porshe," but I won't let you hurt me or my family," he retrieved his phone from his car and dialed an ambulance.

Callie put neat and tidy dissolvable sutures in the tendons surrounding the newly inserted patella, she'd scoured the area for shards of bone and had found no more," Screwdriver," she reached her hand out and Mark placed the instrument in with his free hand," This should repair the damage and he can start therapy soon after he wakes up," she drove the screws into the bone and finished by flexing his leg before she closed," It moves," she smiled behind her mask.

"Since that only took two hours, do you think we could examine his side?" Meredith put the bloody instruments in a basin.

"I was going to suggest it since he's fully sedated," Hunt checked the monitors for the hundredth time," His vitals are still stable and he's comfortably in twilight."

"Re-draping the area," Meredith placed a sheet over his chest and stomach around the area they'd be working on," Ten blade," she held out her hand.

"You sure you can handle this?" Mark hesitantly held the scalpel out for her to grab.

"If I can fix him, I'll get closure and feel useful," she gripped the scalpel and carefully cut through the scabbing," How's the tear in the periosteum doing?" she looked at Mark who was across from her.

"I'll check."

"There's some tearing here as well, it's from a deep stab wound but the sutures seem to be taking, I think we can close this one for good."

"This one isn't healing," Mark held the tissue together with forceps," the sutures aren't doing any good because the internal damage he sustained has caused a bleed, minor but still a bleed. Good work, Mer, if you hadn't told me to check this he could have bled out in a few days."

"You'd have checked and you know it," she rolled her eyes," This is Derek we're talking about, I'm pretty sure the next few hours are going to be spent examining our previous work and continuing repairs that he wouldn't be able to tolerate while awake."

"Like that shoulder?" Hunt adjusted the level of nitrous oxide he was receiving slightly.

"I was thinking I could take a skin graft from his left calf," Mark pulled the bandage away from the wound," that's the only place with no lacerations and it's got perfectly viable skin," he turned Derek's foot outwards," It wouldn't have to be that large either, once it takes the edges of the wound would grow to meet it."

"While we're here," Meredith moved to the other side of Derek beside Mark," I'll prep the area and you get the graft."

Derek's world blurred and he was suddenly waking up, he stretched and yawned,' Wait,' a wave of anxiety spread through him, he braced for the pain. Strangely none came and he felt a bit stupid,' I'm okay,' he put his hand in front of his face and flexed his fingers. He sat up and pulled his shirt over his head, running his fingers over his chest he neither felt or saw the stitches or wounds. Not even a scar, he pulled the covers back and wiggled his toes,' What the hell?'

"Derek whatcha doin'?" Meredith rolled over sleepily and put her arm over his thighs," Shirtless this early in the morning?" she snuggled into his side and trailed her hands up to caress the soft dark hairs on his chest. She threw her leg over his but her hips didn't quite touch him, he looked down and saw her belly poking out quite a bit further than he remembered and smiled.

"I'm..." the dream began to fade and his vision pixellated, his ears rang and he desperately tried to hold onto this reality. The one where he'd defeated Clark and didn't have to worry about him coming back and threatening to destroy his family.

Mark carefully fused the nerve endings in the grafted skin with those of his shoulder," This should do it," he stretched his neck and began suturing," We got a lot accomplished today," he glanced at the clock," well four hours of the day."

"I'll move him to recovery and start weaning him off the gas," Hunt turned to Meredith," Can you help me with bandages and getting him situated?"

"Of course," she pulled her gloves off and got a fresh pair.

Derek found himself pulled out of his dream world and put back into the nightmare he called reality, he felt like he was floating and it made him dizzy. He could feel a presence in the room, someone touching his hand that he couldn't respond to. He smelled her perfume, Sexy 'lil Thing, just like her he'd mused. His eyes blinked beneath their lids as he struggled to open them, then the pain hit. The only time he could think of to compare it to was when he'd first woke up after the attack and lay on the pavement wondering if he was alive or dead and then after his first surgery. He clenched his eyes shut in desperate hope he'd go back to sleep and that dream world where he'd vanquished Clark and he and Meredith were cuddling in bed.

"He's waking up," Meredith put a hand on his cheek," Derek," she whispered softly next to his ear.

"Mmmmph," he opened his eyes and tossed his head to either side, trying to shake the feeling. Adrenaline made his heart pound in his ears,' I can't take it,' he gasped for air that sent spikes through his lungs,' Oh God, I can't take it!'

* * *

Okay, so who cried? I cried writing it in a few places. New chapter in progress :)


	23. If I Lay Here

Working two jobs takes a toll on free-time, but here's your next fix...enjoy your addiction!

* * *

Chapter 23: If I Lay Here...

"He's reacting to the anesthesia," Mark pinned his wrist and stabilized his shoulder with a hand on his chest," Derek! Wake up it's just us!"

'I'm awake,' the thought clawed at his mind,' my adrenaline's gonna wear off and...' the thought terrified him, he tried to keep still but the spasms were wreaking havoc on his nerves. His leg felt like it was being beaten with a hammer, the pain ravaged through his thoughts and tortured his mind.

"No, he's in agony," Meredith pulled Morphine as fast as she could and as much as she was allowed to give," Derek!" she called to him," Look at me," his eyes were wide and scared with tears streaming from them," Be still, the more you move the more it'll hurt," she put the syringe in the IV port and started the push," Amelia, talk to him."

"It's okay," her eyes blurred with tears and it felt like her guts were being ripped from her body, she put her hand in his and he squeezed. hard.

"Mmmmphkit, sssshhhtop," he felt Amelia's soft and fragile hand in his stronger one and grabbed it, he gripped to try and alleviate the pain to no avail.

"Derek," Meredith put an arm beneath his back and Mark helped sit him up," Shhhh, it's okay," he sobbed into her hair as tremors rocked his being," I pushed some more Morphine, just try and relax," she talked softly into his ear as she held him," Calm down."

"Merrrdithhh," he let go of Amelia's hand and fumbled to embrace Meredith.

"Don't," Meredith pushed his hand to the blanket," don't move around," she nuzzled into his hair," let the drugs work."

"I was...I was..." his throat felt like it had razorblades lodged in it.

"It's okay," she held him tight," Breathe, slowly."

"I just...started to feel...better..." tears soaked her scrub shirt and his hair as she cried with him.

"I know," she stroked his back to offer comfort the way she did when he woke in the early hours of morning to a bad dream," I'm sorry, but we had to..."

"Not working," he coughed and his vision blurred.

"What?" Meredith rocked him back and forth," What's not working?"

"Druggsshh," he felt his brain would explode.

"Derek," Mark's voice was near him," I'm going to sedate you, not all the way but you'll be almost unconscious, okay?" Derek's body shook but he managed a nod," Don't get scared, you're going to feel like you're passing out but slower," Mark pushed the plunger.

"Okay," his breaths were short and rasped, slowly the muscle spasms stopped and his body began to bask in the aftershock.

Meredith continued to cradle him in her arms as his hysteria started to dissipate," It's okay," she kissed his hair," just relax."

Amelia forced herself to stay put, but everything in her being screamed at her to run. Mark put his arms around her and held her as Derek tried to adjust to the new level of torture they'd inflicted during surgery. She'd never seen her brother frightened, truly frightened, until now.

"H-how'd it go?" he almost choked on the words as his body trembled.

"Complete success, Derek," Meredith patted his uninjured shoulder," better than we thought."

"Why...why does," he swallowed and a small groan passed his lips," my entire body hurt?" he spaced the words out between each breath.

"We did a skin graft for your shoulder, cleaned your previous surgical sites and wounds, repaired your periosteum, and got the deep stab wound on your side to a recoverable stage," Mark let go of Amelia and let her go dry her eyes.

"It's like...day one," he raised his voice a bit in frustration," all over again!" he grasped a handful of the sheets," I'm supposed to *walk*...like this?"

"Derek, one step at a time," Mark regretted the words as they came out of his mouth.

"I am barely..." he arched his neck on the pillow and closed his eyes," *barely*! staying conscious and..." his voice trailed off as his vision blurred and his head got light.

"Derek?" Meredith pulled back from him so she could see his face," You okay?"

Derek's body felt foreign and painful all at the same time, his head felt heavy and suddenly his body was a tingly pincushion. He collapsed and fell towards the mattress, Meredith resisted the urge to grab his left shoulder and pull him upright again. Instead, she put her hand behind his head and braced the other on the bedrail," He's on enough Morphine to sedate an elephant," Mark raised his eyelid and shined his penlight into Shepherd's eyes," Dilated, he's in oblivion."

"N-not yet," Derek's lips barely moved when he spoke and his face paled.

"Derek, you have to take it easy on yourself and remember that we've known all along that recovery was going to be long and painful," Mark sat at the foot of the bed and moved the blanket from Derek's foot. Panic crossed his face as air hit his skin and the threat of being moved made him shudder," I'm not going to move it," Mark rubbed his hands together to warm them and began gently rubbing his the bottom of his foot, Derek sighed and he saw tension leave his face as his shoulders dipped back to their usual slope.

"That feelsshh good," Derek slurred and his eyes drooped a bit.

"You can feel it?" Mark smiled when he nodded," Then I might go get another specialty for the hell of it, neurosurgery," he beamed with pride.

"Can I get you anything?" Meredith rubbed his cheek.

"Nnnnmmph," his eyes rolled upwards and sleep took him.

"He's right, you know," Meredith sighed," How can we expect him to walk when he's hurting this bad."

"This is the part where we have to tell him it'll only hurt for a little while and the payoff's gonna be the reward and..."

"I've never seen him like this..." Amelia still had his hand in hers.

"None of us have," Mark put his arm around her shoulders.

Derek dreamt of the world he'd seen while in surgery, Meredith was petting his hair under their favorite tree in the park. The sun shone brightly around them as they basked in the shade. She was munching on apple slices from a plastic container and feeding him bites as he lay, head in her lap. He smiled up at her and sat up, a look of surprise crossed her face as he pulled her closer. He tickled her ribs and she jerked to the side and let out that cute little giggle he loved so much," Derek!" he let her breathe a moment before resuming his attack," Okay," she grinned as she guarded her ribs," But remember, you asked for it!" a devilish look in her eyes, she pounced on top of him and began pinching and poking at his sides. He laughed hard as his body twitched beneath her and the two wrestled, her fingers tantalized and teased him. She ended up on top of him, straddling his waist, her hair falling around her face and onto his. She smiled and bent down, her lips met his and his body was on fire...Wait. Fire?

His body burned, but not from the fiery kiss in his dreams. His eyes flew open and he was back in reality, the cruel whitewashed hospital walls around him, the curtains a pale blue mocking his mood with the cheery floral pattern and bright colors around the hem. He panicked at first, thinking the drugs weren't working and tried to speak. Tried to tell Meredith, who was now looking over him with a worried expression, that he needed more...that the dosage was all wrong because it still hurt and he couldn't take it. His body was in mind-numbing pain and he hadn't even moved yet. The light coming in from the curtains suggested it was daytime,' How long have I been out?' his brain was sluggish and slow to respond which scared the hell out of him,' How much Morphine am I on?' his reaction time was so slow he wasn't sure if when he told his hand to move that it actually had.

"Derek?" Meredith's voice seemed so far away, he told his mouth to tell her he needed a higher dose again; but all he heard come out was a run-together slur of mindless gibberish,' I can't speak?' the thought terrified him and a cold chill ran down his spine,' This must be the max dose,' his heart rate shot up,' I said I'd fight,' he forced himself to breathe...in and out...in and out...

"Derek?" again Meredith was calling for him, this time she seemed closer. His vision cleared a bit and focused in on her, she was talking and he'd missed the first half of her sentence,"...the last thing on your mind right now but I need you to try for me."

"Hmmm?" he shook his head a bit to clear away the fog, instead he felt dizzy.

"Derek, I need you to move your toes," the demand was so mundane he was almost angry she'd said it like he couldn't. He almost rolled his eyes as he told his foot to move, they wiggled slowly as he flexed his foot," Can you sit up?" Meredith reached her hand out to his good one.

His hand was almost numb, the IV in his forearm was the most likely cause as it was the source of the Morphine that was coursing its way through his veins to his brain and trying to tell it everything was fine, that his body wasn't hurting nearly as bad as it seemed to think. Problem...his brain wasn't listening at all. He weakly gripped her hand as she helped him sit up," Good, catch your breath and dangle your legs off the edge of the bed," a look of pure shock must have crossed his face as he looked at her, eyes wide and a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth," I'm being serious," she was firm and he almost hated her for it. He swallowed and struggled through the drug-induced haze to make his left leg bend to his chest, it ached and sent a few messages to his brain that he really shouldn't be moving it yet. He ignored the transmissions and inched his right ankle to the edge of the mattress, surprisingly it didn't make him want to pass out from pain. Meredith's hands were on the edge of the mattress waiting for him to put his heel in them, he shook his head and put a hand up and waved them away. She put her hands up in a defensive motion and took a small step backwards, he tested his muscles in his thigh by tensing them slightly,' Not too bad,' he knew that was the Morphine talking,' I can at least get my leg off the bed, needs to get blood there anyways,' he let his heel leave the sheets and expected to lower his right leg gently to the side of the bed with his left one behind it.

What actually happened was his right leg flopping off the bed and Meredith catching it, along with his left one, before they hit the bedrail. He stared at them for what seemed like hours before realizing they were his and he couldn't control them fully yet. Frustration bubbled inside him as Meredith let go of him, he flexed his feet,' Pain's mild,' he looked up at Meredith expectantly.

"You have to put weight on it," she unfolded a walker and trapped his legs in it's entrance.

He blinked, looked down at the device as if it was foreign and then back at her and shook his head,' There is no way I'm using that thing,' he pushed the button on the side of the bed to lower it to the floor, he noticed the socks on his feet were the blue fuzzy ones with the grippers on the bottoms and immediately felt less masculine. The thought unnerved him, but he was glad the floor's cold tiles weren't going to torture his senses. He pushed the medieval-looking trap away from him and gripped the IV pole, before she could move the walker from between them he stood.

The second his knee straightened, the pain finally hit. When he put his weight behind the already tender area, something seemed to explode in his brain. The Morphine seemed to dissipate in his system all at once and he clumsily grabbed for the walker he'd pushed aside, his legs buckled beneath him and his hand couldn't find anything to hold onto. Meredith screamed as the ground came up fast and he closed his eyes to brace for the impact, his left knee was the first to hit the floor. He put his hand out to catch himself and was reminded his shoulder wasn't ready for the responsibility as it gave and the grayish flooring came increasingly close to his vision, a scream tore itself from his throat and panic set in. Yet instead of the floor, his head met Meredith's hands. He opened his eyes and blinked,' What the hell just happened?' his body shook from tremors of agony that made black spots appear in his vision.

"Derek!" Meredith was turning him over and screaming his name, footsteps near him, someone else was in the room...someone else had seen him fall.

"Is he...JESUS CHRIST!" Mark's voice boomed and made his head pound, he felt the two of them pick him up and lay him back on the bed," What the hell happened?"

"I put the...he pushed it out of the way and...I couldn't stop him he just..." Meredith was crying and searching him over for further damage.

"Derek," Mark positioned himself so Derek could see him," You're not superman you know, you've had major surgery," he was pulling his shirt open and...shirt? Derek just realized he was in another one of his nicer pajama shirts, a dark burgundy close to crimson, still silk...'I always seem to notice the stupidest things...' he tried to focus on Mark and found it a chore," Derek!" Sloan had his attention," Did you forget how weak your body is?"

"Yusshhh, shhurrryyy..." his words slurred and his vision blanked for a moment.

"I shouldn't have..." Meredith had taken him in her arms and was cradling his head near her chest," I didn't think he could..."

"Meredith, don't," Mark had set the IV pole upright again and was checking the monitors," This isn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done, even if I'd have been here he'd have still tried that and fallen."

He trembled in her arms and embarrassment washed over him as shock waves of agony shot through his leg and into the pit of his stomach, tears fell onto Meredith's scrub top as he lay limply in her embrace," S-sorry Mer," he choked on a sob," I thought..."

"I know," she ran her fingers through his hair," I know you did, shhhhhh, I'm just glad you're all right," her lips pressed against his forehead," Just don't do that again, you could tear open both external and internal stitches."

"I know...I..."

"Don't," she dried his eyes with a tissue Mark handed her, his face was hot with shame," I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you."

Meredith mulled over her paperwork as Derek went downstairs with Mark, she'd had to chart an incident report; and even though the fall didn't appear to cause anymore injuries, he'd been sent down to neuro for a shotgun. Full neuro scan, CAT scan, MRI, the works...labs and bloodwork would come after he was returned to his room,' I can't wait until I can just get you home,' she chewed the end of her pen as she looked over her report.

A rush of air blew through the room as Derek was wheeled inside by Mark," I know but since you're not any worse for wear we have to try again..." Mark was trying to motivate him to try and stand again and clearly failing miserably,' I know what'll get him to move,' Meredith thought quickly and closed his chart,"Derek?" she played a bit stupid, he looked up at her slowly.

His body was so slow to respond he was sure they'd drugged him again, his eyes finally found Meredith," Yeah?"

"Hug me," she bent her knees and positioned her feet to prepare, he extended his arms and wrapped them around her neck. She nuzzled into his uninjured shoulder for a few seconds before locking her hands behind his back and pulling him up. She heard his breath hitch and felt him clutch her scrubs," I gotcha," she rubbed her cheek against his," I won't let you fall," she felt some of his weight lessen from her shoulders as he tried to find his footing. He still shook slightly, but slowly his left leg straightened," Good, just stay like this for a few seconds," she loosed her hands from his back and tried to pull one free to grab the walker, he shuddered and held onto her. She felt his heart pound against her shoulder and froze," Relax, we can stay here," she waited until he seemed to calm down.

"I need to..." she felt his weight shift backwards towards the wheelchair," it hurts."

"Okay, we'll get you into bed to rest," she unlocked the wheels with her foot and pushed the chair towards the wall," I just didn't want you afraid to try again."

"I am," his hand groped the air for the bedrail.

"We have to take one step to the right," Meredith wasn't sure if he could see the bed from his angle or not.

Derek's heart sank to his stomach," I don't want to put weight on that side," he almost begged her not to make him stand on that leg.

"I know you don't want to, but you need to," Meredith turned her head towards the bed and saw he was only inches from being able to touch the rail," The bedrail's about three inches to your right, lean on me when you step with your right leg."

Mark saw him shake his head and tried to be as quiet and invisible as he could against the far wall behind the two, he knew if he tried to leave the door would squeak and scare Derek,' She can get him to do pretty much anything,' he smiled a bit,' I'll bet he'd go skiing with her right now if she really wanted him to,' he mused to himself and stifled a laugh.

Derek looked from the bed to the floor where his foot was supposed to go,' Move,' he told it as if it would listen. He touched his toes to the tile, the surface felt foreign and intimidating. He swallowed and gingerly put a tiny bit of weight on it, a dull ache spread through his leg,' Please don't hurt,' he knew it was wishful thinking, his head was almost clear and his thought processes weren't slowed. He leaned heavily on Meredith as he dragged his foot towards the bed, he grit his teeth and groaned.

"Take your time," Meredith reassured him and patted his back gently.

Derek was exhausted,' I can't stay standing for much longer or I'll collapse,' he took a deep breath and braced as he stepped down on his foot. He gasped as pain immediately shot up his leg all the way to his back, he told his left leg to step closer to the bed. He dragged his left foot in small spurts as not to put his full weight on his right leg, each small effort sapped his energy. He turned and looked at the bed, it looked as far away as his phone,' God, not now,' the gravelly concrete beneath his chest, the dim emergency overhead lights, the sound of shattering glass...

"Derek?" Meredith noticed he was losing his balance and swaying backwards. She pulled him forwards," Mark!"

Derek felt Gary grab the front of his shirt and throw him into his car door, he fell backwards and felt arms around him? He struggled, his lungs burned and his feet were swept from beneath him. He felt weightless as he was lifted," Meredith!" he barely remembered her being with him and panicked, "Derek," a hand on his face, it was soft. His vision cleared from the flashback, Meredith and Mark were standing over him looking concerned," Meredith..."

She leaned down and kissed his forehead, he picked his head up to nuzzle into her throat," You did really good," she cuddled him a bit before pulling back.

"G-good?" he was shocked at her words," I couldn't even take a step!" anger flashed in his eyes.

"Derek, we weren't expecting anything major six hours after your surgery, we just wanted you to stand up really," Mark put his hand on top of Derek's.

"I have just about," he tried to catch his breath," had it with this," Derek ran a hand through his hair," I can't do any-nything for myself and what I can do I can't do alone!" bitterness filled his tone.

"We're trying to let you be as independent as we can," Mark sighed.

"I-I want to go home!" his voice cracked on the last word and almost broke.

"I know," Meredith turned her face from his so he wouldn't see her eyes tear up.

"P-please," he ground his teeth," get me something to stop the pain! If I have to be an in-invalid," he stumbled over the word," let it be pain-free," he put the heel of his hand on his forehead and gripped his hair.

"Okay," Meredith went outside to get more medicine.

"Derek," Mark sat next to him," when you can take a few steps on your own you can go home. It's why we're pushing you to use that walker," Mark rubbed the back of his neck," If I have to I'll come sleep on the couch for awhile and..."

"Mark," Derek interrupted him," I'll stay here another day so everyone's sure my vitals are stable; after that please, please just discharge me."

"Derek..."

"I can't stand it, the n-nurses looking at me, taking care of me," he balled his hand into a fist, his breath quickened as he turned to face Mark," I c-can't do anything..."

"When you're drugged you can't," Mark noticed a spot of crimson seeping through the bandage on his shoulder underneath the collar of his shirt," but when you're not drugged you're hurting too badly to make a good effort," he pulled a supply cart to him with his foot.

"I got some more Morphine and your round of antibiotics for the day to get them over with," Meredith tried to look happy and cheerful to mask her concerns.

"Thanks," his mind felt on the verge of bursting as he tried to block out the pain, it was scaring him and made his nerves impossibly sensitive. Mark's hand on his was torturous and even the softest of sheets over his body felt like a palette of bricks. He was a mass of emotions, from anger and frustration to overwhelming sadness and anxiety.

"What are you at?" her voice pierced his thoughts and made his head hurt,' Drugs are about to lapse,' the realization terrified him to think that there were still drugs in his system and the pain could actually get worse.

"S-seven," he noticed every inch of his body, every laceration, every broken bone that had been repaired in his leg, every stab and bruise and break in his skin. Everything was so tender it was pathetic, he was pathetic. His gaze hungrily followed the syringe to the IV port and his body seemed to drink in the drugs like water to a starved plant. The rush filled his veins as the numbness he knew would soon envelope him began, he leaned his head back and tried to breathe evenly. His breath was too fast and his heart was trying its best to compensate, he waited...

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Sorry about the lapse in chapters, I'm working on the next one now! Love my fans!


	24. Confusion

Sorry for the wait, this one's extra long and filled with more rollercoasters...it's not over yet! For you who are thinking,' Wow Mer's doing a great job and not stressed at all,' it's starting to show and the dam is getting ready to burst. Enjoy!

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Chapter 24: Confusion

"Derek, honey?" his mother's voice near him, he opened his eyes though he hadn't remembered falling asleep,' Meredith drugged me,' he almost smiled,' I know she's trying so hard,' his consciousness came back fully and he saw he had more than just his mother visiting.

"Mmmmph?" rubbed his eyes and tried to clear the noise from his mind.

"He's awake," Amelia came into view, he felt her small warm hand find his and squeeze.

"How you feelin?" he was almost offended by the question, if he thought he could have gotten the words out,' Just fine, knee surgery has me feeling wonderful,' he rolled his eyes,' I think I might go fishing today,' instead he just shook his head.

"Did Meredith give you enough Morphine?" Nancy leaned against the bedrail nearest his head, he swallowed and nodded," You sure?" he closed his eyes and nodded again.

"He's on the maximum dosage," Mark seemed to hide in the corner as if the procession of family had put her in time-out.

"Can I get you anything?" his mother was hovering, he closed his eyes again and tried to block her out.

"Mmm'fine," it was more of a groan than a sentence.

Amelia sat next to him and put a hand on his cheek," I'm so glad you're all right," she kissed his forehead, he mustered his strength together and put his arm around her shoulders. He pulled himself up and embraced her, she wrapped her smaller arms around him and the two enjoyed a few moments of mindless bliss. The pain seemed meaningless when Amelia and Meredith were around, he gripped the back of her shirt in an attempt not to break down into tears. She lowered him back onto his pillows and pushed a lock of his hair out of his eyes," I know you need to rest," she stood and squeezed his hand one more time.

"Thnnkksshhh," his tongue felt swollen and gummy in his mouth.

"I took leave from work so I can stay here until you're better," the words had no sooner left Carolyn Shepherd's mouth than Meredith saw shock register on his face as she leaned down to hug him.

"Mmmmeredith n 'Melia can handle mmmmme," he slurred," go t'work."

"Baby, I have at least another week," he almost groaned," What's the matter? Are you tired?" he closed his eyes and nodded," Okay, go on back to sleep," she picked up her purse," We'll come back when you're feeling better."

Derek slept fitfully as night fell over the hospital, Meredith sprawled in the hospital bed adjacent him and Mark laid up on the couch with a pillow beneath his back and head and a blanket over him. He woke suddenly from a nightmare his mind was too fuzzy to remember, a bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face as his body jolted. Pain tore from his leg and into the pit of his stomach as he sat up, even through the Morphine-induced haze he still felt it,' Dammit,' he collapsed back onto his pillows and tried to slow his breathing to a norm,' At least I don't remember this one,' the room was a mass of blurs, blobs, and fuzzy shapes. He closed his eyes before he had a chance to get dizzy and waited for sleep to take him.

Meredith pulled up his daily cocktail and set the syringes out on the bedside table along with the pill cup. Derek's mother and both sisters had brought some food for his breakfast and were opening the bags and separating the platters. Meredith wished they'd leave so he could eat in peace,' Too, he's probably going so drugged he can't feed himself,' she hated the thought of his mother feeding him and shook it out of her head," Derek?" she called his name softly and put her hand on his shoulder, he stirred a bit but didn't wake," We might want to let him sleep a bit longer, he has a long day of therapy ahead of him," she turned to his mother who was still fiddling with the food.

"Nonsense," she gently pushed Meredith out of the way and sat on the bed next to her son," Derek, it's time to wake up," she patted his face, his eyes fluttered and he arched his neck and back before his features twisted with the morning's painful stiffness," Come on," Carolyn shook his un-bandaged shoulder gently," we went out and got you breakfast."

"Hmmmphhh?" his eyes opened lazily and he rubbed them with the heel of his hand. Meredith immediately knew something was different, she went to the other side of the bed and began a mental assessment. She went to the table and searched through the syringes to find his muscle relaxer,' This should take away the tension in his muscles,' she checked the dosage in the light.

A quick yelp came from behind her, Carolyn suddenly backed into her and pushed Meredith into the table. She put her hands on its surface to steady herself and keep from falling. Mark was at her side in an instant, his arms wrapped around her and pulled her away as Ms. Shepherd fell into the chair next to the table.

"W-where am I?" Meredith was in shock, she turned towards the bed. Derek's eyes were wide and terrified, he'd sat up and was surveying his body in horror. He pulled his shirt open and gasped,' What the hell?' his mind raced,' Where am I? What happened to me?' he vaguely remembered someone attacking him, slamming his head against the car window and...' Did they kidnap me?' he searched the room and found strangers' faces, he looked down at his arm,' What the hell are they giving me?' he noticed his fingers were slow to respond and his entire body screamed with pain when he moved,' I've gotta get out of here,' his brain ordered his body to move.

"Derek no!" Mark lunged for the bed as he saw Derek contemplate his situation,' I'm not gonna make it,' the thought terrified him. He was inches from Derek and still too late, Mark watched as Derek gripped the IV catheter and jerked it from his arm. Blood spattered his face, hot and sticky, as he put a knee on the bed. Derek took a swing and Mark let him connect, his jaw ached even though most of Derek's strength was drained from the drugs and the previous day's surgery. Sloan swung his other leg over Shepherd's lap and straddled him to keep his leg stable," Derek, snap out of it! It's me, Mark!" he made one last attempt to orient his friend, Derek stared at him for a moment like he was trying to put a story with the face in front of his. He blinked and shook his head, Mark was hopeful until he pushed at his chest to try and knock him off the bed. He pinned Derek and turned to a very frightened Amelia," The syringe on the floor, get them," she froze in place," NOW!" she jumped, but this time she moved.

Amelia scrambled and gathered the syringes," Which one?"

"Shit!" Mark's mind was a mass of emotions that he tried hard to block out," Page Hunt stat and get me some Diazepam," Derek's mother was screaming, Nancy was crying and terrified, Meredith had moved to the other side of him and was trying to help hold Derek.

Amelia ran to the med cart in the hallway, her hands shook as she pulled the drug,' What the hell is wrong with him?' a tear escaped and she felt numb,' This is all a dream, I'm going to wake up soon,' she pushed the door open to her brother's room and was reminded she wasn't dreaming.

"IM wherever you can get it," Mark shouted above the chaos, Amelia got between him and Meredith and aimed for a bicep," Don't think, Amy, just do it," Sloan grunted. Derek saw the syringe and freaked out, he fought harder and seemed to gain inhuman strength.

Amelia found her opening and took it," I'm sorry Der," she withdrew the needle and watched his eyes roll back. He was finally still, yet even over the noise she could hear him breathing heavily and see his fingers flex as he tried to fight the drug," I hit the page for Hunt."

"Good, that won't keep him out for long," Mark applied pressure to Derek's forearm where the IV had been, blood had seeped into the sheets and the leg of his scrubs," Gauze Meredith," he held out a hand.

"What in the hell is going on?" Carolyn screamed.

"Ms. Shepherd, please," Meredith handed Mark the gauze," try and stay calm and keep quiet or you could bring him around," she saw anger flash in her soon-to-be mother-in-law's eyes.

"Calm?" she wrung her hands, Nancy seemed to be too stunned to speak for once.

"What's wrong?" Hunt burst into the room," I heard he was doing well from Callie after the surgery."

"He was, he just woke up with..." Meredith tried to shout over Carolyn.

"Get her outta here," Hunt pulled on gloves and lay the head of the bed down," Gotta check for bleeds while he's out," he pulled Derek's shirt open and began examining one area at a time.

"Please, just for now," Mark gathered Carolyn and Nancy and nodded for Amelia to follow," I'll come get you when we know something," even though they protested, they let Mark usher them out.

"Any bleeds?" Mark closed the door behind him.

"No but this doesn't look too good," Owen peeled back a bandage," we've had issues with this one."

"Sutures aren't holding it, remove them and steri-strip it," Meredith had snapped on gloves and grabbed a suture kit. She snipped them loose and pulled the threads with forceps," I was afraid this would happen," she sprayed the area with saline spray and flushed it with a syringe.

"How are you this calm?" Owen dabbed at the area to clean off the saline and drainage," I mean I'm not complaining but still."

"He's not dying on me," she never looked up from her work," I am freaked out though," her voice shook," I never wanted to see him like this," she began laying out steri-strips," but if it was me, I'd want him by my side taking care of me."

"If you need to talk," Hunt offered.

"I will, later though," she interrupted him," For now we need to find out why he's got amnesia symptoms, I'm betting anesthesia reaction, just a belated one."

"I was afraid of that, he's on so many drugs right now I didn't want to..." Sloan helped her pack the wound with gauze packing.

"Nothing we could have done," Meredith pinched the skin together and Mark lay the strips.

"I just hate it," the regret hung in his voice like fog.

"Okay, there was nothing on the neuro work we got last night," Meredith grabbed Derek's chart and began flipping through it.

"PTSD mixed with another traumatic experience with surgery on top, I'm surprised this hasn't happened yet," Hunt buttoned Derek's shirt and raised the headboard again," I've seen this before, just give him time and he'll come back."

"He ripped out his IV," Mark gestured to the bandage on his forearm.

"Did he recognize any of you?"

"No, not even his mother," Mark ran a hand through his hair.

"Okay, was he violent?"

"He ripped his IV out and when I tried to put pressure on the bleed he fought me," Mark gestured to his cheek, which had started to swell.

"He'll have to be watched at all times, I don't want anyone but the three of us in here," Owen put his hand on his chin.

"What are you thinking?" Meredith knew that look.

"I'm debating whether he's a danger to himself still, if he is we can either drug him to restrain him or physically restrain him so he doesn't rip out another IV. But drugs are what caused this in the first place so that's not a good option, I want to hold off on restraints for now. Just keep them nearby in case he wakes up in a panic," Hunt leaned against the bedrail.

"Okay, we'll take shifts," Mark sighed," It'll be just like we were in med school."

"I'll stay up first," Meredith sat next to Derek and brushed her fingers through his hair.

"You might want to sleep first," Owen put a hand on her shoulder," He won't be waking up for at least another two hours."

"Okay," she planted a kiss on his lips and stroked his cheek.

"Meredith," Hunt opened his arms as she got up, tears in her eyes she threw herself into him. He wrapped her in his embrace, she nestled her head in the hollow of his throat like she did with Derek and cried," It's okay, let it out before he wakes up again," she grabbed his shirt and curled into his chest," Mark go get a fresh pair of pants."

"Okay, I'll be right back."

"Derek promised you he'd fight," Owen picked her up and sat on the couch," I know it's hard, honey, just let it out," he rocked her back and forth.

"I just want him home in bed with me..."

"I know," he ran his fingers through her hair and felt her finally relax, within a few minutes he heard small snoring sounds from her.

Mark opened the door quietly and almost tiptoed inside, Derek was still asleep and Meredith was curled up on Owen's chest snoring. He smiled at Hunt and opened an IV kit," It's good she's resting," he washed his hands and opened the packaging," I just hope he doesn't feel this and wake up again," he poked at Derek's arm and was relieved when there was no response.

"Make it fast though," Hunt whispered.

"I'll try," Mark swabbed Derek's forearm and found his target, he positioned the needle and aimed. He held his breath as he slid it underneath the skin and let out a sigh of relief when it finally popped into the vein," I'll start him on fluids again and push the antibiotics, we need to get the infection gone it might be a factor in his confusion."

"Good thinking," Owen's voice barely rose above a whisper.

"I don't know how Meredith is holding together."

"She's not," Hunt pulled her hair away from her nose when he noticed it scrunching," She'll need therapy after this just like he will, I'll be very surprised if he isn't tempted to live in a drug or alcohol induced blur until he feels he can face the memories."

"Well we have to remember he was overdosed with street drugs," Mark sat on the bed next to his friend," I'll stay up first shift, go on and get some sleep," he turned to Owen whose eyes were noticeably getting heavier.

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Mark put his hand over Derek's," I need some time to myself anyway."

"If you need anything wake me up," no sooner had the words left his mouth, Owen's eyes closed.

Mark sat in his thoughts for what seemed like forever, the only noise in the room was Meredith's soft snores and Owen's steady breaths. Derek was silent but fitful when he tried to wake, the sheets rustled beneath his hands as he tried to claw his way back to reality," I don't know if you can hear me," Mark let his voice break and welcomed the rush of emotions that came with the tears," but if you can, please, I'm your friend, Mark" he put his hand on Derek's cheek," When you wake up, remember me and Meredith. You love her, and she's doing such a good job of taking care of you. We aren't here to hurt you, if you remember nothing else just remember those names," he dried his eyes," Meredith and Mark, we're here to help you."

Derek vaguely heard someone talking, his body felt heavy and numb," Mmmmph," he groaned as he began waking up,' Where the hell am I?' he started to stretch until the pain jogged his memory,' I'm not safe,' images of the attack flashed through his head,' He's kidnapped me,' the thought made panic course through his being.

Mark felt weight shift on the mattress and some pressure on his hand," Derek?" hope tugged at the edges of his mind. Derek's features twisted as his body warmed up to the anguish, Mark readied himself,' He's not ripping out another IV,' he thought to himself, his resolve strengthened. Derek's body convulsed as his eyes flew open, his back arched and his chest tightened.

"Whurrr...Mmmmiii?" it was slurred and lazy but he was shaking.

"Derek, you're safe," Mark held his hands up in a defensive gesture," We're at the hospital, you've been in an accident," he watched realization wash over his face as the flashbacks took hold," Stay with me," he urged.

"Whoouuurrryouuuu...?"

"My name is Mark Sloan, I'm a surgeon at Seattle Grace," the fact his best friend didn't recognize him sent a sharp pain through his chest.

"Mmmmrkkk..." he saw Derek mull the name over in his mind.

"Yeah, just take it easy," Mark backed away to give him some air.

Owen lifted Meredith's shoulders gently and got up, he lay a pillow beneath her head as he shifted his weight off the couch," Derek?" Hunt had a feeling he was going to remember someone, he wanted to be sure it wasn't one of them before Meredith woke up.

Mark felt Derek's grip tighten on the sheets as they became taunt beneath his own hand," He's another doctor," the words sank in slowly, and he felt some of the tension fade.

"Owen Hunt, Trauma Surgeon," Hunt stayed at a distance to let Derek adjust to the new person in the room.

"Mmmmph," Derek ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his forehead," D'I knooww youuuu?"

"Yes actually," Mark put a hand over Derek's and sat next to him," You're having an anxiety-induced reaction to medications after your surgery yesterday."

"I'mmmm..." he searched for the word," a neurrrrsurjuun."

"Good, do you remember your name?" Owen scribbled on a blank sheet in Derek's chart.

"Duuurkkekkk?" he frowned as if he was surprised at what just came out of his mouth.

"Good, don't stress over the details," Hunt smiled," Do you remember your fiance'?"

"Mer!" he sat up a little too quickly for his body's liking as his head spun.

"She's okay, calm down," Hunt gestured towards the couch," You'll scare her."

"Mer..." he mumbled, his eyes dropped a bit and his breathing slowed to a pace neither of them liked.

Mark watched his chest rise and fall, then suddenly it stopped," Derek?" no response," Derek!" he slapped his cheek to rouse him," Derek!"

"I got him," Hunt put a fist on Shepherd's sternum and hit it with the heel of his other hand.

Derek gasped and coughed, his head spun and his vision turned to squares. He wanted to go back to sleep so badly his eye sockets hurt,' Who are these guys and why won't they just let me sleep?' his chest burned as he coughed and fought for air his lungs couldn't seem to obtain.

"Derek," Hunt saw glassy eyes staring at him, glassy and unfocused," This'll help you breathe," he grabbed the oxygen mask off the wall and slowly placed it over Derek's nose and mouth.

"Just breathe," Mark pulled a dose of Atropine and had it within reach just in case Derek's eyes didn't start moving around soon.

"He's breathing," Owen put a hand on Mark's forearm, Derek's eyes closed but were restless underneath their lids

"Good," Mark put down the syringe," Derek?"

"He's still out of it," Hunt sighed.

"We're gonna have to monitor his vitals closer than ever," Sloan dragged a hand down his face and rested his chin on it," We should do an ECG to check for abnormal heart rhythms, if we find nothing and he's still having problems we'll have to do an exploratory and/or open him up."

"I'll get the ECG machine," Hunt went around Sloan and noticed Meredith was so deeply asleep she was full-on snoring with a small trail of drool leaking from the corner of her mouth. He smiled as he thought of the time Christina had been so exhausted she'd fallen asleep with her scrubs on and actually drooled all over his pillow as she lay next to him,' Adorable,' he mused as he closed the door behind him.

Derek woke in a strange yet familiar place, he sat up slowly and ran a hand through his hair. The draft in the room chilled his naked chest,' Naked chest?' he looked down at his torso and realized the only thing covering him was the courtesy linen draped over his groin,' Where am I?' he looked around as he pulled his knees to his chest to try and warm himself,' I'm not hurt...' he tried to clear his thoughts,' Then why the hell am I in an OR on the table, naked?'

The room was dimly lit except the overhead light and there were medical-grade instrument tables scattered around the room,' I'm...' a wave of nausea swept through him,' I'm in an OR...?' he heard the whoosh of the internal doors and scrambled to cover himself as a man and woman entered. The man had reddish orange hair and wore a grim expression on his face, the woman had longer auburn hair and the same expression,' I know you...'

"If we start there and work our way..." Addison was chattering to Hunt, her voice seemed to trail off and fade as she grabbed him and jabbed a needle into his forearm. He flinched,' Why can't I place you then?'

"Seems to be the best way to do this..." Hunt responded with a nod,' Addison...Hunt...' the names rang in his head,' How come I know your names?'

"Wait, who the hell are you...?" his sentence was cut short as Owen's hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him backwards.

"Derek, you did something wrong," Hunt's words were hot in his ears as Addison jerked the needle out of his arm, he felt time slow down," We're just making sure you pay for it."

"What?" he started to panic as he felt himself give in to Hunt's hands, he braced on his elbows and struggled to sit up," But you said..."

"We're ready for you, Clark," as the words left her lips, Derek felt a wave of shock ice its way up his body.

Back in reality, Derek's night-terror had spilled from his subconscious to his body. His arm jerked towards his side and he curled into a ball as he tried to sit up," Shit!" Mark gripped his uninjured shoulder and chest to try and hold him still.

"Sonuvabitch!" Owen lowered the head of the bed and put a hand in the center of his chest, Derek coughed and Mark turned his head to the side.

"What's wrong with him?" Mark pinned Derek to the mattress.

"Night-terror," Hunt pulled the sheet off the bed and tossed the top of it to Mark," tuck it under the mattress," he pulled it tight over Derek's legs.

"What?" Sloan looked confused.

"He's gonna hurt himself, he doesn't remember us right now and if he wakes up to strange settings it could trigger another panic attack and the shock could cause cardiac arrest."

Derek was still in this hellish version of dream-world, he felt people touching him and was certain they were the same ones from his dream," Noooo..." he barely rasped out the word as Clark came into view, he fought Hunt's grip hard. Gary's fist connected with his jaw and dazed him, then a hand firmly on his chest threatened to crush him forced his arms to buckle. He felt the cold steel of the operating table against his naked back and flinched,' Clark...' his mind reached into itself and searched for a reason he should be afraid of this man,' Who are you?' his thoughts were interrupted as a restraint almost cut off the circulation to his right wrist. He balled his left hand into a fist and tried to jerk it free,' You...' a horrifying realization crossed his mind,' You attacked me...' he searched the other two faces,' You, operated on me...' he clenched his eyes shut as Hunt trapped his other wrist in a restraint,' Do I know you?' he wracked his memories for some sort of clue.

"You might want to hold still or this could get messy," Clark's voice became all too familiar as the past came rushing back like a flash flood. The fear was overwhelming, he felt like he was suffocating and struggled to breathe," If you don't stop freaking out you'll be here with us forever," Clark leaned in until his lips were almost touching Shepherd's ear," and I can do this over and over again..." Derek gasped as he saw an all-too-familiar knife, he hit his head against the table,' Am I dreaming?' Clark ripped the sheet away from his body and exposed every inch of him," Feeling humiliated yet, Shepherd?" cold steel pressed into his side and he screamed as the blade bit into his skin.

Hunt helped Mark raise the head of the mattress and secure the blankets beneath, Meredith was stretching and had been oblivious to what was going on until this point. Derek's back arched and he jerked to one side, a scream clawed its way out of his throat and past his lips. Meredith was suddenly very awake, she rushed to the bedside," What the hell happened?" her eyes were wide and she was shaking.

"He's having a night-terror," Hunt held Derek's face to the side as he coughed," I'm too afraid to give him Diazepam, we're gonna try and wait it out."

"What the...?" Meredith put a hand over her mouth to hold in a scream, instead a small yelp-like sound escaped.

"The sheet's not holding," Hunt turned to Sloan," get some restraints," Sloan and Meredith gave him a puzzled look," Get some restraints before he tears his fuckin' stomach open!" Hunt hopped on the bed and was straddling Derek's thighs while trying to keep his wrists at his sides under the sheets," Get some for his feet, if he flexes that knee too hard or the wrong way he could dislocate his knee again!" he called after them.

Hunt leaned back slightly to keep pressure on Shepherd's leg," Come on, Derek," he spoke as softly as he could and still be heard over the protests coming from the man beneath him," Snap out of it, please," he closed his eyes and tried to ignore the stinging sensation creeping up into his biceps. Suddenly, Derek went limp, Owen opened his eyes but didn't get off him just yet," Derek?" he called," Derek can you hear me?"

Derek had stopped fighting in his dreamed state,' It's only a dream,' he'd continued hitting his head on the table in an attempt to wake himself.

"Not gonna work, Shepherd," Gary's voice slithered into his head and terrified him," you're almost there, just a few more minutes..."

"Wh-what?" his mind raced," Where?" he felt blood gushing from his wounds,' These are familiar,' he gasped for air that he couldn't seem to get,' He's gonna kill me...' despair hit as he remembered something his psychology professor had told him in medical school. He'd said," It is thought that if someone dies in a dream, they have a real chance of dying of a heart attack from fear in the real world..."

"Just wait..." as he spoke Hunt and Addison stood motionless and continued holding him to the table, Derek hit his head against the table again and screamed.

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Working on next chapter, hope you enjoyed it!


	25. There and Back

Fast update bc I love you guys! But I'd better get some love for my previous update too now!

* * *

Chapter 25: There and Back

Hunt slapped Derek's cheek. Nothing. He felt for a pulse, thready and weak, his breathing was shallow and his blood pressure falling," Shit..." Hunt rolled himself off the bed and grabbed the AED off the wall. For once his hands shook as he started to run the code," Code Blue, Meredith go get the team," he pulled the backing off the paddles and pulled the sheet from Derek's chest. The machine beeped as Meredith raced down the hallway, the sound echoed in her mind as she raced the clock.

Owen watched the monitor as he hooked the AED's paddles to it helplessly," Analyzing," it said.

"C'mon Derek," he eyed the syringe of Atropine as the respirations became more and more spaced until they finally stopped," Dammit, Shepherd BREATHE!" he slapped Derek to try and rouse him, nothing," Shit..." he cursed beneath his breath as the AED's computer spoke," Abnormal rhythm detected," Hunt dreaded the next phrase," shock advised," Hunt made sure he wasn't touching Derek and pressed the shock button. Derek's body jolted, the monitor let out a wail of a beep," You're not dying on me Shepherd!" Owen was unaware of Meredith and Mark in the doorway as he started chest compressions," Breathe dammit!" the AED continued to tell him it was analyzing.

Derek's body jolted in dream-world on the operating table," You made it," Clark sneered, a smile on his face.

"M-made it?" Derek shivered from the aftermath of whatever had just been done to him.

"Yeah," he stuffed a wedge beneath Derek's shoulders, pulling them at an awkward, painful angle and raising his head to survey the damage. Derek closed his eyes,' If I don't see it it's not real, it's only a dream,' he shook his head. Clark grabbed a handful of his hair and jerked his head forward," This..." dread filled Derek as he opened his eyes, his chest and torso were a bloody mess. Gaping puncture wounds where Clark had stabbed him over and over again and deep ugly gashes where he'd moved or jerked away and Clark had missed or become angry and slit him open," You finally made it..." Derek coughed and blood filled his mouth," Derek Shepherd, you're dead..."

"NOOOOO!" Derek threw his head back and screamed.

"Breathe you son of a bitch!" for the first time in his medical career, Hunt put his lips over his patient's mouth and gave rescue breaths," One, two, three, four..." he counted aloud as he pumped Derek's chest.

"Abnormality detected," the AED sounded so far away to him," Shock advised," Hunt cleared himself from Derek and pressed the shock button. Again Derek's body jumped from the surge of electricity.

A small, weak, raspy sounding breath dragged itself from Derek's lips. Owen felt a tear run down his cheek," Derek!" he looked at the monitor,' Respirations are still too shallow and not fast enough, his heart's beating too slowly,' he knew that depending on his decision, Derek would live or die. Hunt grabbed the syringe of Atropine off the table and injected it into the IV port," Please...come back okay," he waited and watched the monitor.

The heartbeat on the monitor began rising with the blood pressure," Too fast," he wiped sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand," too fast, Derek," he put a hand on Derek's cheek, unsure if the man could hear him or not,' Dammit, did I give too much?' doubt bombarded his mind like predator missiles in an air strike. Derek's blood pressure rose to normal, his heart rate continued at an alarming rate,' Fuck...v-tach...' no sooner than the thought crossed Owen's mind, the screen's ECG jumped and Shepherd's heart rate skyrocketed.

"Respiratory's here," Mark called, interrupting his thoughts.

"I need to intubate," Owen ran a hand through his hair, Mark was at his side in seconds with a tube. He lowered the head of the bed and tilted Derek's head back," Wait," Owen contemplated another difficult decision in an instant," he's in V-tach, I'm going to shock him one more time to see if it fixes itself before we shove a tube down his throat and pump more drugs in him," he charged the AED," Push some Xylocaine first, let's not stress his body if we don't have to."

Mark took a pre-readied syringe with Xyocaine in it from the crash cart behind him and pushed it," Okay."

"Clear," Hunt pushed the button and delivered the shock. Derek gasped for a breath and coughed, his eyes clenched shut and his body shook," Derek, can you hear me?" a stifled scream forced its way from his body despite the lack of oxygen.

"Breathe," Mark put his hand in Derek's and spoke softly as tremors from the shock devastated his body," I know it hurts, just breathe for me."

"His heart's fine for now, but he's not breathing right," the next sentence he spoke sent a pang of regret into his chest," Mark, intubate him."

For Derek, his alternate reality was mixing itself with the present. The only difference is he could no longer see Clark, or anything for that matter. He'd been hauled out of his dreams and awoke to every muscle in his body having spasms uncontrollably, he gasped for air and panicked when not enough came. He found himself staring at the waistband of a pair of navy scrub pants, someone was holding his head back and opening his mouth,' The hell?' he searched for some way to rationalize his current situation and came up short until he felt cold metal on his tongue,' They're intubating me?'his gag reflex kicked in and his stomach did a flip,' But why?'

"Derek," Sloan called to him," don't fight me, I'm trying to save your life," Mark pushed his tongue down and searched for the epiglottis," I can't see a thing, he's moving too much."

"I got him," Owen put a thumb on either side of Derek's chin and wrapped his fingers around the underside of his neck," Can you see now?"

"Almost in," Mark maneuvered what looked like a shoe horn around in Derek's throat until he found the cords.

"Derek, try and relax," Owen put his lips next to Derek's ear," I know you can't breathe, we're trying to help you. This will let you breathe, try not to fight us," a tear slid down the side of Derek's face, a choking sounds emanated from him as he continued struggling for air.

"I'm in," Mark slid the tube in place and pulled the tongue depressor out," I'm in, Derek," he looped tape around it and secured it to Derek's chin.

Air filled his lungs and they felt to the point of bursting, but he couldn't stop. He felt air being pulled out of his body and realized someone was breathing for him,' What the hell happened to me?' his lungs filled again, he fought it this time.

Mark had attached the tube to an ambu bag and was breathing for Derek while respiratory setup the ventilator," You're gonna be okay," Mark spoke softly and pushed a lock of black hair from his friend's face. Derek's hand went to his mouth," Derek, leave it alone," Mark took his hand and held it with his free one," you stopped breathing," Derek's eyes were wide and scared," do you remember me yet?" he shook his head slightly.

Derek wanted so badly to ask this man, who he knew to be Mark but couldn't recall any memories with him, where Meredith was and why she wasn't here. His tongue tried to push the plastic away and his teeth sank into it but it wouldn't budge, a tear slid down his face.

"Derek?" Meredith's voice floated over the chaos into his ears, his heart leapt and he tried to sit up," It's okay," she kissed his forehead," Be still," she looked at Mark," I don't want him on a ventilator if we can help it, Mark," relief washed over Derek and he felt her soft cool hand run down his arm to meet his hand, which she took from Mark. He squeezed tightly,' No ventilator, please,' his thoughts were a mess and his emotions were worse.

"No way to tell if he's breathing on his own," Sloan tried to focus.

"Take the bag off," Meredith paused," if he breathes we'll take the tube out and put him on a nasal cannula, if not..." she saw fear in his eyes,' He must be terrified,' she noticed the side of his hair was damp and felt her own eyes water," If not we'll setup the ventilator until he's stronger."

"You wanna try?" Mark gave the bag one last squeeze, Derek nodded slightly," Okay," he pulled the ambu bag off the tubing," It's off."

For a moment, Derek panicked and wondered if he *could* breathe. He stared into Meredith's eyes and sucked air in, she smiled. He took a few slow shaky breaths, never taking his eyes off her,' Meredith...' he wanted to tell her he loved her and to take him home and...'home?' his thoughts jumbled as he tried to remember what home looked like,' How long have I been here?'

"Good job," Meredith squeezed his hand," Mark, I got this," she gently peeled the tape from his chin and saw his eyes close. His muscles tensed as if bracing him for hell," Derek," she ran her fingers through his hair and saw some of the tension leave him," tilt your head back and relax, I won't hurt you," she pulled and met resistance as his throat fought her," Deep breath, exhale when you feel me pull on this," she waited, his chest rose and he closed his eyes. She pulled again and felt less resistance, before it passed his lips she turned to Mark," Sit him up, he might get sick."

Derek coughed as soon as the plastic was out of his throat, he gagged and felt dizzy," Take your time," Mark had helped Meredith sit him up. The room spun,' Don't throw up...don't throw up...' he tried to focus on breathing and felt his stomach turn another backflip and heave. Meredith held a basin beneath his chin, his face flushed as whatever he'd had for a snack last night came up,' Damn...at least it's not on the floor this time,' he felt a cool damp cloth on the back of his neck.

"Finished?" Meredith was wiping his mouth, he nodded slowly," Good, instead of that awful intubation tube, I'm putting this on your nose," he felt something tickle his lip and breathed deeply.

"Th-th..." he tried for a thank you but couldn't get the words out, his breath came in short gasps.

"Don't," Meredith sat next to him," just relax," she took him in her arms and lay his head on her chest," Mark's going to give you something to make you feel better, but it'll make you sleepy," Mark looked at her questioningly," Diazepam and a booster of Morphine."

Derek listened to Meredith's heartbeat and nuzzled beneath her chin, she moved the compress from the back of his neck and began wiping his face and shoulders. His body ached from the previous hour's trauma, every wound screamed at him and begged for something to make it stop. He felt pressure in the IV as Mark pushed the drugs and felt slightly relieved," Lllvvvvyyuuu..." he slurred into her shirt.

"I love you too," she wiped tears from her face," Thank you, Derek," she whispered in his ear," thank you for not dying on me," a smile played on the corner of his mouth and he nodded," I know you had a nightmare and sleep is scary right now, but I won't let anything hurt you. Go on and rest so you can get better and go home," she kissed his hair despite it not being its normal soft, sweet-smelling, bouncy self and felt his muscles go slack.

"You just performed a miracle, Meredith," Owen sat on the couch.

"Owen, I didn't notice you come in," she looked around and noticed the room was filled with the respiratory team as well, all with their mouths wide open and their eyes bugging out of their heads. Suddenly she felt naked.

"I know," Hunt put a hand on her foot that was hanging off the bed," Derek was dead, Mer," he let the words take effect on her," I worked his code for three minutes and still couldn't get him breathing normally and made the decision to intubate, you get next to him and not only get him to breathe," he paused as if trying to comprehend what just happened," but you get him off the ventilator before respiratory could even set it up."

"He has amazing willpower and..." Meredith started.

"No," Hunt patted her leg," he has you, you're the only thing he's living for."

"I'll try not to let him down," she caressed Derek's cheek, even in his sleep he sighed and turned into her," Derek, remember your leg and be still."

Derek nodded and mumbled," He'sshhh rightt..."

"Hmmmm?" Meredith leaned forward and studied his face.

"He'shhhrrrtttt," his eyes rolled and sleep took him.

"Toldya," Hunt leaned back and smiled.

Derek's eyes flickered beneath their lids, Meredith had dozed off lightly for a few hours waking up on and off when she thought she heard his breathing pattern change. Usually it was nothing more than him clearing his throat or sniffling in his sleep, but she still checked him thoroughly just in case.

Derek was halfway awake when he realized the drugs were wearing off, he tossed his head to the side to try and shake the feeling. His throat burned from where Hunt and Sloan had had to intubate him, he coughed dryly and it felt like he'd swallowed razor blades. He wasn't sure what he'd been dreaming about, but one thing was sure,' I have to wake up...' his thoughts scrambled as he struggled to come back to reality,' I can smell her...' he inhaled and caught the faintest scent of her perfume from over the cannula in his nose.

"Derek?" Meredith felt him jerk, his elbow nudged her stomach and she felt sick,' Ugh, not now, baby...' she closed her eyes and fought the morning sickness," Derek?" she rubbed his cheek with her thumb.

"Merrrr..." his voice was hoarse and chalky.

"I'm here, Derek," she kissed his forehead," Take your time, I told you I wouldn't leave," she saw his features twist as he tried out stretching to see if it was stiffness or pain. A sudden hitch in his breath let her know which had won," Derek, the therapist is coming by today..." she offered.

"W-weak, Mer..." he stammered as nerves all over his body practically exploded.

"Will you at least let him move your leg for you? Circulation and..." she hated how she sounded timid, hated that he was lying in a hospital bed throat raw from a mixture of screams and the recent traffic of tubes in and out of it, hated that the only thing she could do was either upset him or piss him off by asking him if he needed her to bathe or clean him because he was too weak to do it himself and seeing that horrible look of shame and defeat on his face as his eyes either glazed over into another world or closed to try and block her out, hated that she had to push for him to let the therapists help him and watch the agony that was written on his face as he moved even the slightest bit; but most of all...she hated the fact that he was hurting and she couldn't fix it.

"'Gonna hurt," the sentence sounded more like an admission of defeat than an acceptance of help or permission to pursue therapy.

"I'll be right here," she put her hand over his un-bandaged shoulder and rubbed lightly, he moaned and leaned his head against her chest.

"Promisshhhe?" he picked up his arm and held his fist in front of her face, with a bit of effort he extended his pinky and a sleepy smile danced on the corner of his mouth.

"Pinky promise," she giggled as she locked pinkies with him," I'll try and rub away some of the stiffness," she sat up slowly and propped pillows beneath his shoulders and back as she got up," You'll be groggy and probly have a pretty bad headache for awhile, the Atropine'll do that to you," she started uncovered his left foot.

"Attpnnneee?" his eyes fully opened for a few brief seconds.

"Derek, do you remember anything?" Meredith began rubbing the sole of his foot gently.

"Clrrrkkkk..."

"You had a night-terror that brought on an anxiety attack, we couldn't get you to wake up. You started having trouble breathing and then you coded," she saw his lips purse and his eyebrows furrow like he did when trying to make a decision during surgery," that's why Mark and Owen intubated you. It wasn't a dream, Derek, you went into v-tach and..."

"Shhhhocked me..." his speech began to slowly clear up," Hurt like 'ell..."

"Do you remember who Owen and Mark are?" she worked her way up to his calf, skillfully missing the lacerations and gauze that seemed to be the only thing holding him together at this point.

"Mmmrk..." his mind leafed through its memories and found a face, his eyes opened," Mark," he said the name like it explained everything.

"So you remember?" Meredith was hopeful.

"I wasshh attacked..." he spoke slowly as if he were saying it aloud for the first time.

"Yeah," Meredith moved to his right foot, he winced and she cringed.

"Mer!" the name sounded forced as if there should have been a scream behind it that just didn't make it out in time. He jerked away from her and a silent scream followed, his hands covered his face and he tried to catch his breath.

"Sorry," she reached for him but stopped realizing there was nothing to do but let it pass.

"They want me to walk on thish...?" his voice quivered as he tried to regain composure.

"Not yet," she reassured him," if you're too weak we can wait until I can get you home, and then the staff won't be around to see..."

"To shee me fall again," the words were harsh and stabbed like knives, they hung in the air like a fog," I can't even schpeak right..."

Meredith hated how fast his moods changed when he was on Morphine, she added that to her list of 'hates' which was growing longer by the second," Derek, you're not going to fall again, and your speech impediment is due to the amount of Morphine it takes to keep you sane."

"Mer..." he cast his eyes downward as he usually did when he had to ask her to help him do something either utterly embarrassing or anything he deemed pathetic.

"Yeah?" she tried to shrug it off, so he wouldn't feel bad for asking.

"If I keep my leg out...can I bathe shometime shoon?" the words looked like they'd physically pained him to say.

"I don't think it's such a good idea, there's a spot on your chest we've been watching," she saw that look. She hated that look. That whipped puppy look," I can let you wash off again if you like."

"Pleasshhhe..." he was almost too tired to feel defeated. Almost.

"Okay, we can take care of that after the therapist comes."

"Mer..." that same look crossed his face and her heart sank.

"Yes?"

"Can you do it?" she looked confused," Therapy..."

"Oh," her face flushed," sure I guess I could..."

"Thankshhh," he closed his eyes and swallowed," Mer..." his gaze met hers," Water..."

"Right," she poured a fresh cup of water and poked a straw in it," you got it?"

"Yeah I..." his hand wrapped around the cup, it shook as he brought it to his lips," Mer!" he felt it slip from his grasp.

"I gotcha," Meredith held his fingers to help him maintain a grip," You're still groggy, remember?"

"Forgot..." Derek's head felt heavy and his thoughts were fuzzy, putting sentences together that actually made sense was becoming difficult.

"It's okay," Meredith guided his hand near his mouth. He swallowed the first sip and groaned as the cool water sent a chill down to his stomach," Does it hurt?" he nodded,' Of course it hurts,' Meredith mentally kicked herself. Derek gingerly sipped at the water until he couldn't take it anymore, he shied away from the straw and rested his head on the pillow," I could spray some Lidocaine at the back of your throat..." he nodded," Okay, I'll be right back."

Derek heard her shoes squeak across the floor and fade away into the hallway, he pulled the blankets off his chest and took a deep breath. His chest and stomach were still a mass of gauze and surgical tape, but one looked different than the rest. He peeled the tape away and lifted the dressing's corner,' Steri-strips,' he tested the durability of the wound,' Damn that stings, this must be the one they're eyeing...' he noticed some yellowish stains on the underside of the gauze and on the edges of the strips,' It's infected?' his eyes widened. Memories of the attack and his past hit him like a kick in the gut, the drugs' groggy side effects had finally loosed their control of his consciousness.

Meredith's shoes gave her away as she entered the room again," Derek, what are you doing?" she put the Lidocaine on the table and began checking him over," Are you bleeding?"

"No," he shook his head.

"If the sutures are uncomfortable I can..."

"Mer!" his voice was harsher than he'd have liked but it got her to stop talking, he tried to change his tone when he spoke again," I want...out of here," he growled.

"Derek..."

"I remember..." he put his head in his hand," I remember what happened," silence hung in the air as he regained his composure," Meredith..."

'Don't...' she pleaded inside her head, too shocked to say anything,' don't say my full name, Derek,' a tear rolled down her face,' you know I can't resist you when you do this...'

"Meredith, please," his voice broke and he looked up at her, this was the real Derek. The one she'd brought home from the bar and the one who'd saved her from death a thousand times, this was him, no drugs, no grogginess, no speech impediment, and no tubes keeping him alive. Plain, extraordinary, simple, complicated...Derek Shepherd. Tears flowed freely from his eyes and shame flushed his cheeks," t-take me home..."

"Derek..." her voice a whisper.

"Please, Meredith," he hung his head," I-I'm begging you."

"Derek..."

"Don't say no..." he felt trapped, like he had absolutely no control over anything that was happening to him. His throat continued to burn and worsened when he cried.

"When you're strong enough to walk, I can take you home..." she knew due to recent events he was nowhere near ready to go home, but prayed it'd give him a goal to work for as long as he didn't kill himself in the process.

"Promise?" he held onto her shirt as if she would float away if he wasn't keeping her anchored.

"Derek, I want you home, I want to put you in the car and drive to our house and curl up in our bed together and snuggle for real. If I could, believe me, I'd take the pain from you. I'd make it stop hurting and we'd stay in bed for days doing nothing but eating our favorite foods, snuggling and making love. I need you to get stronger for me before I can handle things at home," she gestured to her stomach," I can't do much for you right now, I'm almost into my second trimester..."

"I'm sorry, Mer," he ran his hand from her thigh to her hip and pushed her scrub top up and out of the way," I miss you," ignoring the agony that spread through his body, he kissed near her navel and set her on fire," I miss touching you, I miss the feeling I get when you touch me, it's torture..." his breath was hot on her stomach and she let herself revel in the sensation," I'm always drugged up and half the time I'm unsure where I am..."

"The drugs..." she whispered.

"Wore off awhile ago," she noticed he was trembling and his voice wasn't shaking with emotion.

"Derek!" she turned to the med cart," Your meds are gonna lapse!" she cursed at herself as she pulled away and started putting his daily drug cocktail together," You need to eat something too, she shook up a protein shake and the bottle of Lidocaine and sat next to him," This should help," she attached a small straw-looking nozzle on the end of the spray bottle and tilted his head back. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes, she sprayed a bit on the back of his tongue. He coughed and fought his body's instinct to move away, Meredith aimed for the back of his throat and withdrew quickly," Let it sit," he opened his mouth to speak," Don't..." she put a finger to his lips.

She stroked his hair until she was sure the Lidocaine had done its job and opened the protein shake," Drink this so you can take your meds," she wanted to run screaming from the room as she watched him drink slowly, instead she stared at a picture of the two of them that set on the dresser,' He's lost so much weight,' she traced the lines of his body in the photograph and could almost smell the pine trees around them that day. Their first official fishing trip, the day spent cuddled on a boat watching their lines in the water and...her thoughts were interrupted as the empty can dropped into the trash can beside her," Take these," she handed him a pill cup and another cup of water. He didn't put up his usual fuss when she gave him meds,' It's bad today,' she checked the syringe's dosage and pushed the IV meds,' He hates that drug-induced haze,' she studied his face as he polished off the last pill,' Stress lines,' she observed,' I've been so worried lately that I didn't notice he was just faking feeling good today,' another mental kick in the ass.

"Let's start," Derek sat up slowly and turned his head from her so she wouldn't see him cringe.

"Huh?"

"Therapy," he grunted as he pulled his left leg to his chest.

"Derek, your meds haven't..."

"Then...I won't bust my ass again," he grit his teeth and started bending his knee,' Just like I remember,' he drew in a short breath as the dull ache blossomed into full-on pain,' Hurts like hell, but if I can stand and take a few steps,' he gripped the bedrail as he worked his left foot under his right calf,' Meredith said she'd take me home,' he used the leverage to move both legs off the bed.

"Okay..." Meredith was unsure and pressed Mark's pager number in her cell phone for a stat page.

"Slowly Derek," she stood in front of him and kissed his forehead.

"How many steps before you take me home?" she was taken aback,' So that's why he's trying to push himself,' the look in his eyes was serious,' He's really going to hurt himself if we don't get him home soon,' she ran her fingers through her hair.

"Derek, don't do this..." she held him close," I'll..."

"Home?" Mark stood in the doorway," Hell he's stable and has two doctors, or more with *your* roommates, if I stay over and do the heavy lifting," he winked at Meredith," he can go home after a twelve hour eval on his vitals."

"Mark?" Meredith's eyes got big," Can I see you outside for a moment?"

"Get him back in bed and sure," Mark helped her reposition Derek, who he gave a thumbs-up sign to on his way out of the room.

Once they were outside, Meredith tried to appear intimidating at Mark," Don't go getting his hopes up like that! How in the hell is he supposed go home when he coded last night?"

"Meredith, I was outside the door and I couldn't help but overhear, if we don't relieve some of this stress he's going to go insane! Amnesia? Seriously, Mer, Derek's mind is as sharp as a scalpel!"

"Mark Sloan!" Meredith was seconds away from slapping him.

"Meredith listen to me, haven't you noticed since we told him he couldn't go home yet he's gotten progressively worse? Keeping him here in this hospital, it's killing him!"

Meredith was silent, she hated to admit defeat; but Mark had a point," How am I going to take care of him?"

"You're not gonna be at it alone," he put his hands on her shoulders," I'm planning on bringing half the damned hospital with us."

"And if he needs surgery?"

"We call an ambulance or I hop in the trail blazer and haul his ass back here."

"You have to support me on something, Mark," she looked up at him defiantly, he nodded," if he starts going downhill or if I say he's not doing well, we bring him back here."

"You have my word," he held his fist in front of her face, pinky extended," Pinky swear?"

"Fuck you, Mark," she giggled and locked pinkies with him.

"Derek Shepherd," Meredith grabbed his chart off the foot of the bed and flipped through it," in about two hours, you will no longer be a patient at Seattle Grace Hospital," she smiled as she saw his face light up," BUT," she was firm," if you start going downhill or if I get too worried you're coming back here and you won't bitch about it."

"Deal," at first he thought he was hallucinating, he did his best to hide the slur in his speech and the fuzziness that still surrounded his head.

"Mark, pack up supplies and I'll go talk to Hunt," she Derek's his forehead," I don't think this is a good idea though."

The next hour and a half was a blur, the drugs kicked hard and Derek barely knew Meredith and Mark had been in and out of his room at least four times each checking charts and care plans and looking over their etiologies to be sure they had everything they'd need at home. He'd been so relieved when they'd said he was going home he thought he'd died and gone to the alternate reality where everything was perfect and he wasn't hurt," Okay, Derek," Meredith pulled the blanket off his chest," let's get you dressed and home," she put his left arm in his sleeve first, then helped him sit up and put his right one in," Just don't push yourself at home like you did here," she fastened the buttons on his shirt and fixed his collar.

"If I'm home I can ressst," he hoped she wouldn't notice the extended 's' sound.

"Your mother is gonna shit a brick," Meredith checked the door before she pulled the blanket off his legs.

"They've all sheen me naked by now," she saw embarrassment in his eyes.

"You know once you're home I have to do everything that the nurses have done here, right?" she pulled his boxers to his knees and started working his sweats over his feet.

"Yeah..." he hadn't thought about that, he swallowed hard.

"Pull these up, then shoes and we're gone," she paused before helping him stand," are you sure you want to leave now? I can't keep you mother or Nancy or Amy away if you're at home; and you know they're going to linger for at *least* another week."

"I need thish," she eyed him as she noticed his speech slurred.

"Can you stand or are you too stoned?"

"'M good," he braced his uninjured hand on the bedrail as she turned him to face the door.

"Do I need to get Mark?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," he took a deep breath as she helped him to his feet, his right foot hit the floor and he gasped. Meredith pulled his boxers and sweats up and lowered him into the wheelchair,' Wheelchair?' he wondered,' When the hell did that get here?' he fought a scream as Meredith picked up his foot and put it on the footrest of the wheelchair.

"I'm serious, Derek," she unhooked his IV port from the bag of fluids," if this doesn't work..."

"I know, Mer."

"And don't think you can hide the fact you're still in agony and weak as a kitten."

"I thought that'shh what made me sho damned hot," he smiled and took her hand," Sherioushly, Mer, thanksh..."

"I'm gonna try it," she pushed him down the hall to the back elevator used specifically for the staff.

"Going home? You said he was critical just yesterday!" Carolyn shrieked at Mark.

"Ms. Shepherd, he is in a critical condition," she beat her fist against his rock-like pecs," He needs to get back to things he knows and de-stress."

"Drug him some more then!" Nancy had chimed in, Amy stood next to Mark and held onto his hand tightly.

"Meredith and I will be..."

"You didn't think to ask his family..." Carolyn and Nancy started bitching over each other and continued their assault on Mark.

"HE'S DYING!" Mark's voice carried and seemed to echo through the hallway, which had incidentally turned deadly silent," Derek is dying, there, you happy? If we don't get him out of this hospital he'll lose his will and seeing people he worked with, people who respect him and who've assisted him in thousands of surgeries are bathing him and feeding him! If he stays here, he's as good as dead!" the two stood in silence," He's having constant anxiety and he's not healing here," he spoke more softly," I will be staying with him and Meredith and we'll perform in-home care just like if we were hired to make a house call. We're bringing the hospital to him, but if he stays here anesthetic amnesia isn't the worst thing we have to worry about. His surgical sites are starting to get infected and if his mood doesn't improve and he loses hope and gives up, he'll turn septic. Once he's septic, we're fucked, it could take him months to die. Months of this, you think this is hell? You weren't there when he had to be sedated because he couldn't stop crying after the first panic attack, it wasn't you who saw the fire in his eyes flicker yesterday when he coded. I saw it...I *watched* him give up, the only reason he's still alive is because we pumped enough drugs into him to keep an elephant alive and because Meredith held his hand while I had to shove a tube down his throat so he could breathe. If you want to watch that over the next four to six months and know he's dying and pray for death to take him because the pain is so bad we can't begin to control it, BY ALL MEANS KEEP HIM HERE!"

Meredith met Mark and the other Shepherds at the back doors of the hospital where less people were likely to see Derek, the rubbernecks could wait till he looked better," I'll go get the car," Meredith kissed Derek's nose," I'll be right back."

"Mmmkay," he nuzzled her nose with his," Love you."

"Love you too," she turned and started for the car. Derek sighed and leaned back into Mark as he watched her walk away.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed it, emotions running high and Meredith is taking a MAJOR risk in bringing Derek home, let's see how this plays out!


	26. Terminal Velocity

Sorry about the wait, hope it lives up to your usual expectations of me.

* * *

Chapter 26: Terminal Velocity

Meredith pulled the trail blazer to a stop passenger side facing Derek, she popped the latch to the back and saw Amelia start loading boxes of medical equipment and supplies inside. She and Mark stood on either side of Derek," You ready?" he nodded, Mark put an arm beneath Derek's knees and the other beneath his arm," Don't move your leg," he nodded to Meredith," stabilize it," she held his ankle as Mark picked him up,' He's lost too much weight,' his heart sank,' Don't make me regret this, Derek,' he set his friend gently in the backseat of the vehicle and heard his breath catch as his wounds were jarred," You okay?" he whispered in Derek's ear.

"Hurts," he took a few short breaths and winced as Meredith put his leg on the floorboard.

"I'll ride in the back with him, Mark would you drive?" Meredith offered him the keys.

"Sure."

"Thanks," Meredith checked to see if his leg cleared the door before closing it.

"He needs you more than anything right now," Mark gave her a quick hug and got in the driver's seat.

"Amy you wanna ride with us?" Meredith offered," We have a spot left and I need someone to help me with him."

"I'd like that, please," Amelia turned to her mom and sister," I'll see you at their house?"

"Okay, see you there," Carolyn started across the parking lot to her own vehicle.

"Do you know the way?" Amelia called after her mother.

"I have a GPS, Amy," Carolyn's voice cut like a knife.

Meredith climbed into the seat next to Derek," Scoot over here," she helped steady him as he moved into the middle of the backseat," Amy needs a spot."

"Amy?" his eyes brightened as the door opened and Amy settled in next to him.

"Derek!" she resisted the urge to throw her arms around him and bawl into his shoulder, instead she pressed her face against his and kissed his cheek," I was so worried," Mark's words echoed in her ears as she ran her fingers through his hair,' I'm so glad you're alive,' she closed her eyes and silently thanked God.

"Seatbelts," Mark turned and nodded to his passengers and smiled.

"Gotcha," Meredith handed Amelia the end of Derek's seatbelt, she carefully tucked it beneath his arm and secured it.

Derek leaned his head against the back of the seat and closed his eyes, Amelia's hand felt heavenly in his,' I'm going home...' thoughts of collapsing in his bed, on his pillows and snuggling with Meredith ran through his head, he smiled to himself as they pulled away from the curb.

"What's your pain at?" Meredith stroked his cheek.

"Five," he was honest if nothing else.

"So we gave you enough pain meds for the trip?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Good," she slipped a hand around his bicep,' We'll get these back to normal,' she sat as close to him as she could get to keep him from moving in the seat from the curves and turns.

Mark drove as carefully as he could, he winced at every bump and curve. Constantly checking his rearview, he nervously navigated the streets towards their house. It still shocked him when he looked at Derek, so fragile, so pale, so...weak. Derek had always been the 'strong' one in the friendship, even remaining friends after Addison cheated on him and not taking it out on either of them. His memory flashed back to their scuffle on the catwalk at the hospital...

==FLASHBACK==

Mark ran a hand through his hair as he crossed the catwalk,' Lexie, why did it end up like...' his thoughts were interrupted as he suddenly saw Derek's fist on its way to his jaw. His body froze and couldn't react fast enough, Derek connected. His head whipped to the side and he almost hit the floor,' I guess I deserved that one,' he gingerly touched his lip and saw it was bleeding,' I'll let that one...' as he was recovering, Derek was taking another shot,' Fuck that,' instinct took over and he dodged, his forearm caught Derek's chest...

His mind jumped from the catwalk to the OR, Derek's lips blue, his eyes red beneath them from blood loss and his clothes torn to pieces. The defib paddles were still stuck to his chest, with leads and wires and an oxygen mask and...

Mark thought of the fight they'd had on the catwalk and felt like he'd been stabbed in the gut,' Derek...' he almost didn't want to touch him for lack of knowing where to start,' Please stay alive,' he'd turned it off and just operated, just told Derek it was going to be okay and that he was going to fix him.

==END FLASHBACK==

'Fix him...' the words echoed in his mind like a scratched CD on repeat.

For Derek, the ride home was usually something he enjoyed. He would cross that little bridge over the river where it narrowed and look out across it at the ferry boats and smile, remembering that he and Meredith always took a rid on them at least once a month. Today, the ride home was bittersweet, the bumps over the bridge that he'd never noticed before jarred his body and made him nauseous. He tried to hide the fact that he was no longer at a five, instead he leaned his head on Amelia's shoulder and focused on trying to to tear up,' I've been doing that a lot lately,' he mentally kicked himself. He closed his eyes,' Dammit why doesn't this pain just give me a break?' Mark hit a pothole in the road, Derek coughed and put a hand over his chest,' Feels like my chest is being ripped open,' Mark apologized and he nodded, unable to speak and barely able to breathe normally. His vision blurred and he blacked out.

"We're here," someone was patting his hand," Derek?"

"Mmkay, Mer," his words ran together a bit,' I dozed off?' his thoughts were clouded,' No,' he remembered,' I passed out,' he felt Amelia unbuckle his seatbelt.

"You okay?" Mark worked the seatbelt away from his body and slid an arm beneath his knees," I wasn't too rough was I?"

Derek shook his head," You did great, Mark."

"Good, put your arm over my shoulder," Mark ducked his head.

As Mark lifted Derek from the backseat, Derek saw something he wasn't expecting. His Porshe sat in the driveway, a clear tarp over the window Clark had bashed his head through. Blood spattered the interior, his jacket and cellphone in the passenger seat. He wanted to run, wanted to forget any of this ever happened. Searing pain shot up his leg as he was reminded of the more recent surgery, his head spun and he suddenly couldn't breathe.

"Derek?" Mark must have felt him trembling, his gaze followed Derek's to the Porshe.

"I haven't brought it to the..." Meredith stammered.

"It just..." Derek's head spun as he remembered the attack.

"Let's get you to bed, I'm sure you must be exhausted," Mark tried to turn Derek's attention away while keeping in mind that his mother and other sister were close behind them.

"Yeah..." Derek couldn't stop his head from resting on Mark's shoulder as Meredith unlocked the door. He felt like he'd black out before he even got in the door, images and memories made his mind race and his anxiety spiked. His body was still on fire as muscles he hadn't moved in days suddenly tensed as he tried to keep his balance and ground himself.

Concrete crunched beneath the tires as Carolyn and Nancy pulled up just in time to see Derek's head fall onto Mark's shoulder. Meredith and Amelia had gathered as many bags of equipment as they could carry and were following Mark into the house. It all seemed so surreal to be back at home since Clark's hitman had attacked her, images she wanted to forget forced their way into her head and made her feel almost as weak as she imagined Derek felt in his drug-induced stupor.

Mark looked over his shoulder and searched for Meredith," Upstairs?"

"Yeah, should have everything we need there," Meredith heard car doors close and Nancy's shoes click against the stone steps leading up to the door.

"I'll get the rest of the stuff, Meredith," Amelia set the duffel bag on the floor," go help Mark."

"Thanks, Amy," Meredith smiled at her and dragged the load of baggage up the stairs behind Mark.

Derek heard the familiar creak of the stairs as Mark carried him to the top of them. He was so relieved to finally be at home he didn't even care that Mark had to bring him, he felt himself being lowered and sighed deeply as he sank into the satin sheets of his own bed. Mark started to straighten his right leg, he winced and resisted at first. After a few agonizing minutes, Mark had a pillow beneath his knees and was covering him with one of his favorite blankets.

"How's that?" Mark still had an arm beneath his shoulders and was shoving pillows behind his back, he felt dizzy and his entire body was almost numb it hurt so bad but he managed a nod.

"If I don't get this hooked up I'll have to pull the old cannula and start a new central line," Meredith hung a new bag of IV fluids and connected the line to the port," How're you feeling?" she sat on the edge of the bed next to him.

"Dizzy," he admitted," anxious..."

"Okay, your mom and sisters want to see you for a few minutes; but first Mark's giving you some more Diazepam and getting you calm," she put her hand on top of his," Derek, it's good to have you home."

For the first time since the attack, he smiled for real and let himself relax. He felt a pressure in his forearm as a fresh cocktail hit his system and closed his eyes, Meredith had curled up in bed next to him and had her cheek against his hip. He leaned his head back and felt himself drifting.

"Derek, do you have everything you need?" his mother's voice intruded on his blissful moment.

"M'fine," he didn't bother to raise his head, for one he didn't know if he had the strength and for two just in case he didn't have the strength he didn't want his mother seeing that.

"You sure?"

"Mmmmhmmmm..."

"I'll need to get back to my practice, I got a phone call on the way here," Nancy stalked into the room," there's a baby in distress and my patient won't let anyone operate but me," Derek opened his eyes just enough to see Nancy," I'll come back if you need me you know," she ran her fingers through his hair," I love you, little brother," she kissed his forehead.

"Love you too," he smiled, Nancy headed out the door before anyone could see the tear escape her eye.

"I have a few more days in the hotel that I'd already paid for..." Carolyn searched for words.

"Ms. Shepherd," Mark put an arm around her shoulders," Derek needs as much rest as he can get, if you need to go back to work we'll give you daily updates on how he is and have him call you when he's feeling good."

"I just...I don't want to..."

"Mom," Derek risked fatigue and another blackout as he raised his head to meet his mother's gaze," I'm okay, really," Carolyn slid an arm beneath his neck and held him close," Go back to work."

"Okay honey," she kissed his hair and lay him back on the pillows gently," if you need me you can call anytime day or night."

"Promise," he felt so tired he was afraid he'd fall asleep mid-sentence.

"I'll be back when I can," she got up and wiped her eyes," Love you, son."

"Love you too, Mom."

"Meredith, Mark..." Carolyn motioned for them to follow.

"I'll be right back," Meredith got up and followed Mark out of the room.

"Things look okay? I mean he's not just putting on a brave face for me and..."

"We had an incident yesterday, but I think having him home will help him improve. Ms. Shepherd, I'll be honest, Derek is putting on that brave face so he won't have to worry about you worrying about him. He's no longer critical, but he's still in a lot of pain and far from recovered," Meredith decided laying it all out there would be better than trying to justify a lie.

"Thank you," she hugged Meredith," please," she released Meredith and put a hand on each of her shoulders," take good care of my son."

"I will, promise," Meredith smiled.

"It was good to see you, Mark."

"Always a pleasure, Ms. Shepherd," he gave her a big hug.

"I got the rest of the stuff..." Amelia stopped.

"Thanks, go ahead and bring it to his room," Meredith backed back into her bedroom," I've also got you and Mark somewhere to sleep if you..."

"Thanks, Mer, I know both of you need sleep," she hauled the duffel bags in the bedroom and piled them on the floor at the foot of the bed," Mark and I are here to help you out, you go spend some time with Derek," she went to his side and squeezed his hand," Feel good to be home?" he nodded drunkenly," Go on and get some sleep, Mark and I will settle in by ourselves."

Once they'd left, Meredith crawled back into bed with Derek and snuggled beneath the covers.

"Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"Ssshowrr?"

"After a nap we can get you cleaned up," Meredith stroked his cheek, he nuzzled into her touch and she saw his eyes close. Within seconds his breath slowed to soft short quiet puffs on her fingertips. She propped a pillow behind her shoulder and snuggled into the crook of his arm," Love you..." she let the darkness drag her into sleep willingly and reveled in the smell of her own sheet-set.

Derek's eyes opened lazily, he yawned and looked down at Meredith as she slept next to him,' It's like nothing's changed,' he smiled and stretched his toes, he drew a sharp breath as his leg complained,' Except for that,' he felt unbelievably stiff. Meredith had instinctively nestled into his side and had a hand on his hip, he ran his fingers through her hair and smiled,' The last few weeks have been such a blur,' he braced and tried to reposition, his chest felt like it'd burst. Bits and pieces of his stay at the hospital flashed back to him.

==FLASHBACK==

Derek was awake but sedated so heavily that his response time was so slow it scared him, he'd told his hand to move but the only thing happening was a simple twitch of his fingers. He was about to panic when he felt a hand on his, gentle and soft. Like a mother to a child, the hand stroked his and another went to his forehead," Derek..." the voice sounded a million miles away," don't move around," he willed his eyes to open and found they wouldn't," You just got out of surgery a few hours ago, we have you sedated to keep you comfortable," he tried to lick his lips and speak and found his tongue was trapped to the floor of his mouth, he choked and tried to cough it out of his mouth.

"Calm down," the hand moved to his cheek and turned his head towards the voice," there's a tube in your mouth," his lips burned and his throat tightened," we're going to take it out when you wake up," his eyes finally listened and he managed to open them enough to see Bailey sitting next to him. His vision blurred and his chest started to hurt, he turned his head and arched his back to try and shake the pain," Lay still for me," Bailey's finger touched his lips, a silky smooth lip balm nourished the cracks in them. He let the black edges of his vision take over and felt his eyes closing," I don't know if you'll remember this," her voice shook," but just in case. If you're not ready to wake up, don't, go back to sleep and rest until your body can handle this," her hand found his again and this time he squeezed back," It's okay, you won't be alone when you wake up again," she watched his body go slack and his hand dropped its grip on hers.

==END FLASHBACK==

"Derek?" Meredith stretched a bit and trailed her hand down his leg like she did to his chest every morning when they woke up for work," You awake?"

"Yeah," he tested his pain level as he leaned a bit towards her.

"Okay, ready for that shower?" she sat up slowly so she wouldn't disrupt his positioning too much.

"I think so," he kissed her forehead and took a deep breath, inhaling the sweet flowery scent of her hair.

==FLASHBACK==

Meredith stood in the foyer facing Derek, who had just walked in," You almost died today..." the words seemed to bounce off her, of course after someone explodes in front of you and tiny pieces of them get stuck in your hair and all over your scrubs after having just handled the explosive yourself...well that takes a bit out of a person.

"Yeah, I did..." he nodded and slowly turned and gripped the doorknob," You know the only thing I was thinking about was the fact I couldn't remember the last time we kissed, or the last time we were together and really happy...and that's pathetic."

He opened the door and paused," You had just gotten out of the shower, your hair smelled like some tropical flower and I was on my way to work. You stood up and kissed me, soft and quick...like it was habit and we'd be doing it for the rest of our lives, that's the last time we were..." she saw the faint smile that had formed was now drooping.

"Lavender..." he turned to look at her," my hair smelled like lavender."

==END FLASHBACK==

Meredith had gotten up and was digging in their closet, she'd thrown several things over her shoulder and was on her way to the bathroom when she just stopped and looked at him. The two exchanged a brief moment of understanding and bliss," Oh damn," she facepalmed.

"What?" he cocked his head to the side.

"I forgot to get a shower chair," she tossed their clothes on the counter," and it's time for your meds," she bent down and unzipped a duffel bag.

"So how are we...?" he pretended to still be interested in the idea of a chair so he wouldn't have to stand up, while taking in the view before him.

"You're either standing and we'll make it fast," she began putting his pills in her palm and counting them," or I grab one of the dining room chairs and..."

"A what?" he almost laughed at the idea of bringing one of their so-vintage-it-was-almost-antique chairs into the shower.

"Well there's our options," she double checked his meds and checked them off on the chart," take these."

"What are they?" his body began warming up and the aches started, painful, dull throbbing sensations in his legs and lower back and a sharp stabbing shock to his chest and shoulders. He shook his head," Nevermind," he let her put the pills on his tongue.

"While we wait for those to kick in, I've got to figure out how we're going to do this," she unhooked the IV from the pole and taped it to the back of his forearm.

"Help me," his sentence cut short by a small grunt as he sat up.

"Huh?"

"I've been in the hospital for two weeks using a bedpan, my own bathroom is sounding pretty good right now," he smirked at her.

"Oh, sorry," she unfolded the wheelchair and pushed it to the edge of the bed," Do you need help...?"

"Yeah," she saw him wince as he moved too quickly.

"Take your time," she uncovered his legs, he flexed his left foot and grabbed beneath his knee with his good arm," You're cheating," she scolded.

"If you knew...h-how bad this hurt," he groaned as he caught his breath.

"Sorry," she put a hand on his shoulder," I wanted to wait until your meds kicked in."

"My body says otherwise," his face flushed, Meredith slid a hand beneath his knee and helped it off the bed. He yelped as it bent and his toes touched the floor," Wait..." he held up a hand as Meredith prepared to help him stand," Just..." he panted.

"I'm in no hurry."

"G-get Mark," as embarrassing as it was to have his best friend pick him up, the pain was just about unbearable.

"You can do this," Meredith put two fingers beneath his chin and lifted his face to meet hers, she felt her heart break when she saw tears in his eyes.

"Mer...it...hurts..." he spaced the words between breaths.

"Okay," Meredith kissed his forehead," I'll get Mark."

Derek felt like he'd pass out while he waited for Meredith to come back with Mark,' This isn't quite how I'd imagined it,' he glanced around him, happy to be home but not so pleased with the duffel bags of medical equipment scattered around the room and the IV pole that was basically keeping him alive draining drugs into his system. He felt sick and his head drooped," Man you've got one helluva comfy couch down there, I fell asleep watching TV," Mark smiled warmly as he came into the room. He bent down next to Derek and put his arm under Derek's shoulder," This should help," he put the other arm under his knees.

"Y-yeah," Mark felt Derek's fingers dig into his shoulder as he jarred him.

"Meredith," Mark nodded to the bathroom, she pushed the rugs out of the walkway and put the toilet lid up. Once comfortable and stable, Mark and Meredith let Derek have something no one at the hospital had really let him have...privacy.

The two sat on the bed and flipped through TV channels aimlessly for some sort of background noise," Yang and Hunt are supposed to come by later on," Meredith leaned her head on Mark's arm," Thanks."

"Don't thank me," Mark put his arm around her and pulled her into him, she lay her head back on his chest and remembered when she'd felt Derek's chest for the first time like that. He'd come up behind her while she was drinking coffee in the elevator and just laid his head on her shoulder and pulled her gently into him. She sighed as she thought back on the memory and smiled," I should be thanking you for keeping him alive."

"I hope you're right."

"Hmmm?" he changed the channel," 'bout what?"

"Him being home..."

"I hope I am too, Mer."

Derek unbuttoned his shirt with his more coordinated hand and shrugged it off his shoulder,' Now for the hard part,' he reached over his other and gingerly pulled on the fabric until it fell from his body onto the floor. He leaned his head back and prepared, once he gathered courage and strength he pulled the waistband of his boxers and sweats to his knees,' Don't hurt, don't hurt, don't hurt,' he chanted in his head, dreading even the softest touch on his knee. He pulled them together and took a deep breath as he shoved the elastic over the surgery site. He gasped and his vision blurred,' Damn that's tender,' he examined the gauze that covered the site,' I should get Meredith and Mark,' he surveyed his body and remembered how bad it hurt just to try and sit up unassisted, he leaned to his good side and reached behind him,' I can at least do this,' his fingers grazed the handle and he grunted as he struggled to get a grip on it. Once his fingers found the cold metal he pulled and cradled his arm in his lap as the toilet flushed. He waited until he was sure he could speak without sounding as weak as he now felt," Meredith?"

Meredith jumped and went to the door," You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good," he flexed his fingers and grit his teeth.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah," he couldn't hide the strain in his voice as he tried to fight his body.

"You sure you're okay? Everything normal," Meredith's doctor side immediately switched on," no pain or constipation or..."

"Meredith!" he looked away from her and his face flushed," I'm f-fine."

"Sorry..." it was Meredith's turn to blush," so about that shower..."

"I can't shtand for..."

"You can't stand because you can't get that knee wet," Meredith interrupted him," we're wrapping cellophane around it and making this quick."

"Okay," she kissed him on the forehead.

"I see you've already done away with the clothes," she ruffled his hair playfully, he grinned at her.

"I see you haven't."

"Mark's gone to find you something to sit on so you won't have to stand up, so he'll be back," she glanced at the door.

"Yeah, Mark seeing my lasht wife naked was what ended my marriage," he smirked," I like you a bit more."

"I hope so," Meredith felt a small pang of guilt.

"Here," Mark's voice came from behind the door and ended the awkwardness that was starting to consume the bathroom," it's all I could find, I hope it's okay."

"Perfect," Meredith had cracked the door open," Thanks Mark," she pulled a plastic folding lawn chair into the bathroom.

"You two behave now," Mark called after them as he shut the bedroom door.

"We won't," Derek raised an eyebrow," at least if I have a shay in thingsh..."

* * *

Drunk Derek :) nice lil fluffy chapter for you guys, hope you like the lil flashback moment with him and Bailey. I really enjoyed writing that one :)

Author's Note: A lot of my fans have been asking about Clark...I haven't forgotten about him, I'm leading up to a HUGE climax so watch the foreshadowing in the next few chaps :)


	27. Home is Where the Heart is

Sorry for the wait, I'm close to starting college up again and I just had a root canal done :( updating asap tho :) love my fans!

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Chapter 27: Home is Where the Heart is

"Because that slur in your speech makes you hotter than ever," Meredith rolled her eyes," and because you feel so good you're ready for a marathon."

"But I'm weak and helplesshh," he gave her his best puppy-dog face.

"Dammit Derek," she smiled and spread a towel on the floor of the shower to keep the chair from slipping.

"Glad we have a big shower."

"Me too," she put the chair on top of the towel," Can you stand long enough to get in here?"

"Let'sh hope," the drugs were starting to take effect and he found himself feeling numb and almost weightless.

"Always the optimist," she smiled went to his right side to help him stand.

Derek took a deep breath and gripped the walker Meredith rolled in front of him, he let her help him and stood on his left leg. Gripping the bars of the walker until his knuckles turned white, he slowly let gravity drag his right foot to the floor. Before it had moved more than an inch or two downwards, he gasped and choked on a scream. Meredith's hand on his back was comforting but did little to lessen his torment, he dipped his head and let his hair fall into his eyes to hide the redness spreading across his cheeks from the strain of stifling those cries that would no doubt echo through the house and make someone come running.

By the time his foot touched down on the floor, tears streamed down his face and he was shaking. Meredith knew it was necessary but hated watching him torture himself, she resisted the urge to help him even though she knew it'd lessen the pain. She was also tempted to drug him into oblivion until his body could handle this without him in tears before even taking the first step.

Derek's breathing picked up and he found himself almost gasping for air as he tried to adjust to just standing still and keeping his balance,' I don't even have half my weight on that leg yet,' the thought paralyzed him.

"Breathe, Derek," Meredith spoke soothingly near his ear, he nodded and dragged his right foot forward.

'Don't think, just do,' he gingerly put weight on it and dared to move his left foot. He felt dizzy and nauseous, his sight blurred around the edges and he was almost sure he would pass out. He stumbled and leaned heavily on the walker, which he now dejectedly realized he needed.

"I..." he fought for every word," I c-can't..."

"It's okay," Meredith put and arm just above the bend in his knee," let it go limp," she waited until she felt the tension ease and picked it up slowly," Lean on me when you need to step on this leg," he shook his head," Your body isn't ready for this yet."

He agreed with the last statement and managed to hobble slowly to the shower door. Meredith let him throw and arm over her shoulder and helped him inside where he collapsed in the chair. He leaned his head back and panted, exhausted.

"Relax here for a minute," Meredith turned on the hot water to a trickle to get it warm and squeezed past him to tie her hair up in a bun. She allowed him to cry privately, although hearing him sniffle even above the water running was a new kind of hell all-together. She stripped and got into the shower again, the water was warm and almost heavenly. After wrapping his knee in cellophane and making sure it was one-hundred percent leak-proof, she turned on the shower.

Derek had barely noticed her get back into the shower with him until the door clicked shut and the water cut on. He gazed up at her through tear-blurred eyes, she saw him trying to blink them away and get rid of the evidence. Meredith slipped behind him and squirted some shampoo in her hands, which she started working into his hair. Derek let his head fall into her hands as she massaged his scalp, the anguish he'd felt only seconds ago seemed like it'd never happened and everything was fine now. He moaned softly as she worked her way to his neck and uninjured shoulder, she artfully dodged surgical sites and sutures as she traced the contours of his body. He let the tension flow from his body and the two of them exchanged a moment of ultimate trust as he surrendered to her touch, completely unafraid of her hurting him or scrubbing at his stitches.

She took her time and let him enjoy what would be the last shower she could let him risk for another week or so due to his weakened state,' If I'd have known he was hurting this badly I would have stopped at bathroom privileges,' she rinsed his hair and worked conditioner in it before moving past him to wash herself.

Derek opened his eyes for the first time since she'd touched him and saw that soap suds were the only thing she was wearing. His eyes drank in every inch of her body and even her now noticeable baby bump was sexy as hell. He reached for her as she took her hair down, she braced on the shower wall and leaned into him. He pressed his cheek against her stomach and kissed it, his hand roamed her body and teased until she thought she'd explode," Derek..." she panted into his ear, the effort was draining his strength by the second. His fingers delved into a place that he'd only been in the past two weeks or more in his dreams or drug-driven fantasies, she squirmed against him and shuddered as he heard her release. He smiled and let his arm fall back into his lap, his eyelids were on the verge of forcing sleep upon him. His arm was numb and his breath was ragged,' Too much, too fast...' his head spun and his body screamed at him to stop moving, tendrils of sharp needle-like pains shot into his chest like an ice pick between his ribs.

Meredith came off her high and let the water rinse the soap off her body and the conditioner out of her hair," Derek you..." she stopped as she realized how much those few seconds of bliss had taken out of him. Immediately she felt selfish," you didn't have to..."

"M'fine," his speech slurred and ran together as the drugs took over.

"Let's get you back to bed," she turned off the water and grabbed a towel off the rack outside the shower. She put it around his shoulders to keep him warm and wrapped another one around herself.

Derek was barely aware of her drying him, it was a blur from the shower to the bed. Mark had helped Meredith dress him and his energy had been sapped too much for him to care,' It was worth it,' he groaned as Mark picked him up and couldn't hold back a yell as his leg straightened on the fresh sheets. His back arched and he grit his teeth, Meredith had put a towel behind his head to protect his pillow until his hair dried. He tried to focus on the nubby fibers that prickled against the beard that had grown in while in the hospital, eventually he couldn't stand it any longer and gave into his body. He let his eyes roll up and stopped fighting it, Meredith felt his hand release its grip on hers as he passed out.

==FLASHBACK==

He could see nothing, probably because of the drugs. He could smell nothing, probably because of the gauze packing in his bloody broken nose. He could feel the intubation tubing pinning his tongue to the floor of his mouth, choking him as it forced him to keep breathing and anchored him to existence. He was too stoned to panic as his body started to tingle and burn from the countless breaks in his once-flawless skin. He struggled to open his eyes and rid himself of the claustrophobic drowning feeling.

"Derek?" a voice near his ear was soft and soothing," Derek, don't wake up yet."

'Yang?' the face floated to the surface of his mind as he imagined her sitting next to him.

"I slipped some Morphine in your IV but it's going to take at least half an hour for you to start feeling comfortable," she stroked his forehead reassuringly," So go back to sleep before your nerves wake up," he stopped trying to wake up and embraced the darkness," Good, because if you wake up and it hurts Meredith is gonna kill me."

His thought of Meredith, her bursting in the OR as Hunt and Sloan were literally holding him down disturbed him and for once he didn't want to see her. Rather didn't want her to see him.

"Listen," Yang's voice beckoned his attention," I know you're probably pretty close to that oblivious point where nothing I say will reach you; but just in case the medical books are correct and your hearing is still intact and even though the lights are on someone's hiding in the darkness..." she took a deep breath," Meredith needs you to live, Derek, I need you to live *for* her," realizing just how close he was to death scared him," So you're not dying, because Owen and I aren't going to let you," he heard papers rustle and what sounded like a chart being placed on a table," So I'm giving it to you straight, because that's what I'm good at...whoever attacked you has really messed you up. Your body's threatening to quit on you and unless you really fight, the surgery we just performed isn't gonna help. That was the first of many, but I need you to hold on for us," she put her hand in his," we need you to be that stubborn arrogant neurosurgeon you've always been and get outta this," he concentrated and squeezed her hand," I'll be damned," she mumbled," go back to sleep before it starts to hurt," her hand on his cheek," and if you tell anyone about this after you're conscious, I swear I'll kill you myself," she leaned in, her breath hot on his face and kissed the unbandaged section of his forehead.

==END FLASHBACK==

As if his flashback had continued he heard Yang's voice as his senses started waking up, he almost tried to go back to sleep before his eyes fluttered open almost on their own. When his vision cleared he saw Yang sitting indian-style on the foot of the bed across from him and Hunt at his side. He tried to greet them since this was the first time he'd seen them that he could actually remember since Hunt and Sloan had intubated him the night before in the hospital, but all that came out was a mumbled mass of nonsense.

"Good morning," Hunt smiled down at him, but Derek could see worry behind his eyes. Worry he was trying very hard to mask.

"You look better," Yang put a hand on his.

"Mmmmph," he licked his lips and stretched his neck a bit, after the previous experience he decided his legs would just have to be stiff and restless for now," Shhtill hurtshh..." he was nothing if not honest.

"I'm sure," she managed a smile that made him sick to his stomach, it was Yang's fake smile, the one she used when she was trying to show enthusiasm or fake a good bedside manner to get the cool surgeries.

"Owen?" Meredith gestured for him," Can I talk to you about some...?"

"Yeah," Hunt got up and followed Meredith into the hallway," is he okay?"

"He is...I'm not," Meredith looked a bit more worried than usual.

"What do you mean?"

"Mark and I had put Derek back to bed and I gave him his round of meds so he could sleep and I went to the bathroom and..." tears welled in her eyes, her lip visibly quivered," I'm bleeding."

"You're..."

"From the surgery Addison did," Meredith grabbed Hunt's wrist and pulled him into the bathroom," Please, I can't see it well enough," she pulled her pajama shirt up.

"Okay," Owen palpated the area and frowned," How much bleeding? Your sutures are fine."

"The bleeding isn't just from my sutures..."

"Then whe..." Owen suddenly realized where Meredith meant," Oh, OH, ummmm," for once he was uncomfortable and this would be the first and only time these words ever passed his lips with anyone outside the hospital other than Christina," I'm going to grab a bag with some gloves and hopefully something to help me see, when I come back I'll examine you."

"Thanks, Owen," Meredith managed a smile," but not a word to Derek!"

"Bad news when he looks this good?" he shrugged and winked at her," Promise."

Meredith had done her best over the past few days to see what had been going on with her, but she'd come to realize that when you're starting to show it's hard to see certain parts of your anatomy. Her heart skipped a beat when the door creaked open and Hunt came back, his scrub pocket bulged with what was probably gloves and a wound dressing," I know it would make more sense to have gotten Christina..." she started to talk nervously.

"Meredith, we're both doctors here," he washed his hands in the sink, all the way up to his elbows to ensure as much sterility as possible.

"It's just, you deal in trauma and..."

"And this is considered a trauma to your baby," he dried his arms off with a towel from the cabinet," Let's see your sutures first."

Derek was glad he hadn't been able to talk Meredith out of bringing the PCA pump home with them, he was pretty sure Hunt hadn't just come to visit and that he would have to try and walk again. Soon. The thought alone exhausted him.

"So, like I said..." Yang fumbled for words.

"I k-kept it," he wanted to clear his throat and try to speak more clearly.

"W-wha...excuse me?" Yang's mouth turned up at the corner and her eyebrows did that cute little furrow.

"Your secret," he tried to adjust himself to make his shoulder stop screaming at him.

"Oh," Yang's face cleared of confusion and she genuinely smiled at him," Yeah?" she saw him trying to move," Y-you need some help?"

"Yeah," he stopped, realizing he was only making things worse," m-my shoulder."

"Okay," Yang knelt over him and put her arm under his back, she heard him draw a sharp breath and froze," This should be easier," she pulled away and let him catch his breath. She braced a hand on the mattress next to him," Hug me," he stared at her blankly," hug me, I can move you over easily," he put his good arm under hers and gripped her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him and gently moved him over, she heard him sigh as she moved pillows around him and felt him relax," Wasn't so bad was it? I may be small but I'm strong," she flexed her arms as she pulled away.

"Christina the Hulk," he managed an almost pain-free laugh.

"So how serious is this?" Meredith felt just about as embarrassed and exposed as she could get for a lifetime, Owen dressed her sutures on her stomach and was now checking her cervix for bleeds and trauma.

"From what I can see, you have a bleed but it's not cervical. There's at least one piece of good news," Owen pulled his gloves off and threw the old dressing from her sutures in the trash," You still need to see Addison."

Derek's eyes felt heavy," Where's Meredith?"

"She went to talk to Owen, I can go get her," he nodded," I'll be right back."

"The last thing I want is to see Addison right now," Meredith winced a bit," Ouch, hey Owen that hurt."

"Sorry, I'm trying to see where this blood is coming from; and let me tell you it's not easy at this angle," Meredith lay on the floor with a towel under her head. Owen lay on his stomach holding a flashlight in his teeth so he could see," I had to get this a bit wider or I couldn't see at all," he clicked the speculum open another notch.

"It's not a lot of blood," Meredith tried to steady her breathing," but is it from...?" she was interrupted as Christina absent-mindedly opened the door.

"Meredith Derek's asking for..." she stopped in her tracks.

"Christina?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm bleeding," Meredith instinctively sat up on her elbows.

"Well, since there's a speculum involved I can't think you two were...you know, unless you're like really kinky..." Yang almost laughed.

"Meredith," Owen moved fast," don't move."

"What is it?" she knew better than to move when a trauma surgeon told you not to, but she dared a look in his direction. She gasped as she saw blood spreading from between her legs onto the floor," What the hell?"

"I don't know but it's not good," Owen pushed gauze to try and stop the bleeding," Christina, call Seattle Grace and let Addison know we're coming."

"Okay," Christina dialed Richard on he cell as Owen grabbed towels and wrapped them around Meredith's waist.

"Stay calm," he told her as he picked her up," I think I know what's wrong and we may have caught this in time."

"What do I tell Derek?"

"Tell him Meredith's having some pain and we're bringing her to get her sutures looked at," Owen carried Meredith down the hallway," Don't freak him out yet."

"Gotcha," Christina composed herself and went back to Derek.

Derek heard the door squeak open and made himself wake up," Mer?"

"Just me," Christina sat near him," Meredith is having some stomach pains, with all the stress she's been under lately Owen wants us to bring her in to get checked on," she saw him wake fully up, despite the amount of sedatives coursing through him.

"She okay?" his eyes were wild and scared.

"We think so, we're just taking her to Seattle Grace to make sure of that."

"Keep me updated, please," the worry showed heavily on his face.

"Mark and Amy are staying here with you, I'll call you as soon as we know something," she squeezed his hand.

"Take care of her, Yang."

"I will."

Meredith felt pain start to grow in her stomach and spread outwards, she started feeling dizzy and leaned her head against Hunt's shoulder. As they made their way down the stairs, she saw Mark and Amy on the couch watching TV.

Mark immediately jumped up and got the door," What happened?"

"She's bleeding," Hunt gestured and Mark opened the car door in front of them," I'm taking her to see Addison."

"What's wrong?" the car door shut, Amy and Christina came running.

"Abruptio Placentae," Hunt fished his keys from his pocket and hopped in," I'll keep you posted."

"I'm riding in back," Christina scooted next to Meredith and took her hand.

"Keep Derek calm, I can't take care of them both at once," Hunt pulled out of the driveway and headed for Seattle Grace.

Derek had a suspicion there was more going on than anyone would tell him, which worried him more. He fought the drugs to keep himself sharp, tried to focus and think about what could possibly be going on. He barely heard the door open, his senses were blurred and time seemed to stop. The mattress shifted a bit as Amy scooted next to him," Der?" she ran her fingers through his hair.

"What's wrong with Meredith?" his voice shook and sounded way too small to be his.

"She's bleeding a bit, they think it's from the surgery," Amy took him in her arms and stroked his face.

Derek felt like he was in shock, his body was numb for once and nothing mattered,' She had surgery,' he kicked himself for not remembering,' Clark's man hit her in the stomach,' a horrible realization hit him,' our baby...' a cold chill ran down the length of his body.

Amy felt him jerk against her," Derek, everything's gonna be f-..."

"A-amy," his nerves were shot, the drugs kept him fuzzy but he understood that somewhere his baby and his soon-to-be-wife were in serious trouble," I n-need to..."

"Derek, Meredith's already stressed enough," Mark took his hand," Addison's the best, you know that, and she's taking care of Meredith," he searched the room,' Diazepam's preloaded in the syringes in that cart,' he tried to calculate how fast he could get to them.

"But she's..." his words slurred together and the room started to spin.

"She's going to be fine," Mark tightened his grip slightly to make sure Derek could actually feel him there.

"I s-should b-be..." his stomach turned a backflip. Mark was talking to him, Amy was holding him and petting his hair like Meredith did when he had a headache after work,' I'm gonna be sick,' the room spun. 


	28. Lost Cause

Sorry so long, my best friend died and things have been difficult. So here's my distraction, hope this sates your curiosity...but watch for that cliffhanger. it's a doozy!

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Chapter 28: Lost Cause

Derek's stomach did a flip and that morning's breakfast threatened to return, he tried desperately to keep his mind sharp and rationalize what could be causing Meredith's pains that was severe enough to warrant a hospital trip. Mark and Amy were talking to him and trying to calm him down, but he barely heard a word.

"Derek, it's gonna be okay," Amy felt him trying to squeeze her hand harder as if trying to ground himself or wake up.

Meredith lay on the exam table a nervous wreck, Christina at her side holding her hand and Owen exploring trying to find the bleed to stop it.

"Meredith," Owen's voice came from beneath the drape," We need to take you into surgery."

"Wha-what?"

"You've developed a severe case of Abruptio Placentae, we need to deliver now," he packed gauze to try and minim ize the bleeding," Christina page the OB stat, tell her to meet us in OR one."

The pain in her stomach grew worse as Hunt raced down the hallway to the waiting OR, it was insignificant when she thought of Derek,' What is he thinking? How long have I been gone?' her mind raced,' Does he know? Is he okay?' her thoughts were interrupted as Hunt and the awaiting surgical team transferred her onto the table. She felt someone hooking up an IV to her arm, then the pressure of whatever drugs they were pumping into her.

"Meredith, we need to stop that bleed," Owen was talking to her," Meredith!" he turned her to look at him," Mer, we can induce labor and hope for the best or we can do a C-section. It's your call."

"Deliver?" her vision was fading fast,' I can't deliver yet, I'm too...' blackness threatened.

"Meredith!" Hunt shook her lightly," Shit!" he turned to Christina," Call Derek, we need a decision and a consent to operate."

His cell rang, Mark jumped at the sudden noise in the room. He picked it up and answered," Sloan," a pause as Derek clutched Amy's hand so tightly it was getting increasingly more difficult to feel her fingers," Derek, it's for you," Mark put the phone on speaker and held it near him.

"H-hello?" his voice shook and he was sure he sounded about three inches tall.

"Derek, it's Owen," Derek tried to reposition and winced," listen carefully. Meredith is okay, she's developed Abruptio Placentae, meaning that her placenta has separated from her uterus and it's causing her to bleed heavily. You with me?"

"Yeah," a million possibilities went through his head.

"Okay, we need a decision," Hunt was trying not to scare him," She's unconscious and we need to know if we should do a C-section or induce labor."

"W-what's the risks?" Derek was afraid of the next sentence that would come through the phone.

"C-section we risk more bleeding and possibly her life, induce labor and we lessen her bleeding but risk your baby."

"S-save Meredith..."

"You got it," Hunt crackled a bit from static," I'll keep you updated, Derek," the phone beeped as the call ended.

Derek felt like he'd been stabbed again, all at once he couldn't catch his breath and the world spun uncontrollably. He heard Mark call for him one last time before his world faded to black.

==FLASHBACK==

Derek shuffled through the rubble, blood stained his shoes and the hem of his scrubs as he tried to find her. He picked through the crowd towards the dock and saw a small blonde haired girl looking out to the water. His heart went out to her as he approached her," Hey," he knelt beside her and put an arm around her shoulders," Do you know where Meredith is?" he hoped since Meredith had a soft spot for children that the child had seen her earlier and might remember her," She has blondish hair...?" he fished. What he wasn't expecting was for that little girl to stare him straight in the face and point outwards to the water," You sure?" she nodded.

He shucked his jacket as fast as he could, without giving it a second thought he dove off the pier into the icy water. The sudden shock of cold paralyzed his muscles temporarily, he almost drew in a breath before he forced himself to keep going,'For Meredith,' he risked it. His eyes opened and searched for her, he panicked when he didn't see her,' Did she sink all the way down?' he dared a glance towards his feet,' Is she hurt?' he saw her. Arms upwards in ultimate surrender, Meredith was about five feet below him and sinking fast. He flipped his feet over his head and started towards her, he was terrified he wouldn't make it.

His hand touched hers and he pulled her into him, he looked up. The surface seemed so far away, his lungs screamed for air as the lactic acid in his muscles began to build. His vision was clouded as he neared the surface,' What if I pass out?' the thought terrified him and he tried to push it away.

When he finally broke the water, he crawled up the ramp and gasped for air," Meredith!" he yelled at her and slapped her to try and wake her up. He scooped her into his arms and ran towards the nearest medical station.

==END FLASHBACK==

Images of a cold, blue, lifeless Meredith ran through his mind. He was suddenly freezing, just like when the air hit his wet scrubs as he emerged from the water. His chest tightened as he fought his way back into reality," Merrr..." his words slurred,' They must have drugged me again,' his thoughts were sluggish.

"She's okay, Derek," Mark's voice was near, but his vision hadn't cleared enough to focus on his face," Addison finished the surgery," worry spread over Derek's face immediately.

"Merr..." he struggled to sit up, his body barely reacted.

"She's okay, Derek," Amelia squeezed his hand," Lay back down, you've got enough sedatives in you to tranq an elephant."

"Th'baby..." Derek did feel like a tranquilized elephant, his every move was clumsy and his body was almost numb.

"Addison..." Mark sat next to him, Derek's vision finally cleared," Addison was able to...but there's no guarantee."

"D-don't..." he felt numb, he sank back into the pillows. Hoping for some way to make it stop, praying that this wasn't reality, that it was all a bad dream and he'd wake up at any minute. His thoughts went to Meredith,' Does she know yet? Is she awake?' he imagined her waking up and hearing the news from Addison, or worse...one of the nurses," Hospital," Derek almost didn't recognize his own voice.

"What?" Amelia shifted her weight on the bed.

"'M goin t'hospital," he felt sick, ignored when his leg screamed at him to stop moving; and rolled to his side to sit up. He grew dizzy and the world seemed to distort around him, pain shot up his side when he dragged his legs to the edge of the bed and his ankles dangled off the sheets.

"Okay," Amelia put a hand on his shoulder," I'll get some clothes."

"Hurry," his voice came from between clenched teeth as he bit back the pain and willed himself to move.

==FLASHBACK==

Derek was barely aware of where he was, his eyes were heavy and his body throbbed. He heard Hunt and Webber talking and caught bits and pieces of the conversation.

"Came in and..." Webber sounded angry.

"Thought he was still hallucinating and..." Hunt was also trying to contain himself and not doing a great job of it.

"If it wasn't for Dr. Hunt..."

Derek finally realized the two were talking to a third person in the room and the conversation was about him. His eyes opened slowly, though his vision was still blurry he could make out a blue uniform that he was becoming all too familiarized with.

"Derek?" Hunt had noticed his eyes open and was over him in an instant.

"Ow-n..." he tried to form his friend's name and found his lips were nearly unresponsive.

"Yeah," Owen shined a penlight in his eyes and checked for pupil constriction," welcome back."

"Mmm..."

"Meredith's getting checked out," Hunt put his stethoscope in his ears and pushed the cloth away from Derek's chest," She's okay before you ask," he paused and glanced at his watch to keep time.

Derek felt the room jerk and twist," You're lucky you know," Webber was suddenly next to him," If Hunt hadn't noticed that you weren't having flashbacks we'd never have known Clark was here," he sat next on the edge of the bed next to him," if we'd sedated you any more we could have killed you."

The realization and previous day's fears struck, a cold chill ran down his spine as he thought about all that could have gone wrong. The walls began to drip towards the floor and the ceiling looked like it had snakes descending from it, he shuddered and shut his eyes trying to block out the hallucinations. He opened them slowly to see if they'd cleared, the metal railings on his bed now looked like knives.

"You okay?" Owen put a hand on his to try and ground what he guessed were about a million different ghosts from the way Derek's eyes darted around the room.

"Wallssss...Knniivesss..." his eyes rolled upwards, he welcomed the darkness.

==END FLASHBACK==

Derek felt like time had lapsed on him, he opened his eyes and saw the roof of Mark's car,' When did I get in Mark's car?' he wondered for a few seconds before,' When did Mark's car get to my house for that matter?' the car spun and suddenly he felt sick. Amy's face came into view, she ran her fingers through his hair like Meredith did when he was at the hospital and scared.

Amy stroked Derek's face and tried her best to keep him calm as Mark sped in and out of traffic. His chest rose and fell faster than it should have considering the cocktail Mark had mixed before they'd left. The only other time she'd seen anyone look as bad as her brother did was the night her life changed forever.

==FLASHBACK==

There was a nice ambience in the air as Amelia and Derek chased each other up and down the aisles, she giggled as he scooped her into his arms and tickled her. The bell on the door jangled as it opened, announcing another customer. Derek smiled and stopped tickling her," You know how dad is when he's at work," he whispered and made a mock salute. She covered her mouth and stifled a laugh as he marched towards the counter.

Amelia's giggles turned into a snort that her brother turned around to snicker at," Der-der," she pulled a bubble gum egg out of her pocket, it held two sticky bugs in it she'd won at school. It'd sat in her pocket all day waiting for when she'd see Derek at the store, she had images of the two of them tossing it on the cooler doors and seeing whose bug stuck the best and longest," Der?" she tried again for his attention, but his back was to her," Dere-!" Derek turned and grabbed her, he held her tightly and she thought he was going to tickled her again. She protested and started to laugh again as she feigned fighting his grip, his hand went to her mouth and covered it.

She began to get scared until he whispered into her ear," Amy, quiet," he sounded serious so she nodded her head, his hand moved from her mouth," Shhh," his breath was hot against her cheek as picked her up. Several moments of silence passed and she was beginning to get antsy and wonder what was going on. Derek kept still like he was watching something intently, her face was now buried into his t-shirt and Amy could see nothing.

A ear-shattering crack broke the silence and Amy screamed into Derek's chest, he tightened his grip on her and she felt him kneel into a running stance. Several tense seconds later the bell jangled on the door again and Derek finally loosed his grip," Amy, stay here," he put his hands on her shoulders," No matter what happens or what you hear," she started to shake and a tear ran down her cheek, but she nodded," I'll be right back."

Amy heard him scream, she couldn't resist. She ran towards the sound and saw Derek over their father, who was laying on the ground in a pool of spreading blood. Derek had both his hands on their dad's chest, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. The loud crack they'd heard, she now realized was a gunshot. He must have heard her footsteps," Amy don't!" he put a hand up behind him, smeared with blood all the way up to his elbow. He put his hand back on his dad's chest," Call nine one one Amy," his voice broke and she heard tears as he choked on his words.

"Derek?" she was numb as she rushed past her brother, and sick when she saw her father laying on the floor. Blood seeping out of his chest, he made a coughing sound that was definitely not normal. She dialed and held the phone to Derek's ear, anything to be close to Dad.

"Get here fast," Derek's eyes were wild as he put all his weight on his hands.

"S-son..." his father's voice was small and weak.

"Dad!" Derek's tears fell onto his hands and mixed with the blood.

"It's..." he struggled for air," s'okay."

"No, Dad stay with me!" Derek's voice shook," You're going to be okay."

"D-derek, take c-care of Ammm..."

"Dad no!" the bell on the door rang as the paramedics burst in, they pried Derek away from his father's body and did their best to revive him.

==END FLASHBACK==

The Derek that lay in her lap had the same shell-shocked look on his face as the big brother she remembered holding onto as she cried into his blood-stained t-shirt. That night she'd watched as he'd transformed from a boy to a man in a matter of minutes; from the big brother who tickled her and played tag, to the man that had watched over her and done his best to fill his father's shoes. As his eyes closed, she let herself cry.

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Sooooo...emotional and a rollercoaster, next chapter coming fast :)


	29. Carpe Diem

Sorry this chapter is late, I know it's been long awaited. Stick with me on this, lots happening and I can only write one character's perspective and storyline at a time. This chapter mainly focuses on Derek and I think you'll notice why. If you don't there's a note at the bottom of the chapter, so relax and hope you like it.

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Chapter 29: Carpe Diem

Amelia noticed Derek squirming a bit more than usual and put the back of her hand on his forehead,' He's hot,' she felt for his pulse under his jawline,' Sporadic and thready,' she started to worry. She unbuttoned the first two buttons on his shirt and gently slid her hand beneath it, she found his sternum and pressed gently," Mark he's feverish and his breathing's too shallow," Derek moved restlessly beneath her hands.

"We'll get him checked out by Owen," Mark tried to speak softly and still be heard by Amy," Take a set of vitals while he's out and type them in your phone, we're almost there," Mark could hear a rasping sound coming from the backseat that he had become increasingly aware of over the past few days,' Not now, Derek,' his thoughts went out to Meredith,' She's been through enough and she needs you right now,' his thoughts trailed back to the hospital bed where Derek had laid for weeks just struggling to stay alive.

==FLASHBACK==

When Mark got the stat page, he'd sprinted down the hallways towards Derek's room like he was at a track meet. He peered in the window to Derek's room where there was a crack in the blinds and saw Hunt pulling on a pair of gloves and talking to a conscious Derek. He caught his breath and opened the door," Everything okay?" he washed his hands in a sink on the wall.

"Yeah, he's got a numb and tingling feeling in his shoulder so I was going to have you help me take a look at it," Hunt stood out of Derek's view and suggested with his body language and facial expressions that there was more to this 'numb and tingly feeling' than he wanted Derek aware of.

Mark pulled a pair of gloves from the box on the wall," Hey Derek, you giving Owen hell again?" once he got closer he saw Derek's eyes were only half open and his head had slumped into the pillows.

"I'm not sure how awake he is," Owen opened a packet and started creating a sterile field.

"What's wrong?"

"His sutures aren't holding right," Mark felt sick.

"They've torn?"

"I've got him almost completely out," he touched Derek's cheek," Derek, can you hear me?" a bit of drool ran from the side of his mouth," It's Owen," he fished a bit as he wiped Derek's lips," I noticed you have a tear in some sutures that we didn't see before, so we're going to take it out."

"Where do you need me?" Mark couldn't help but look away, he tried to mask it by rubbing his neck as if it was sore.

"Sit here and just hold him still," Owen gestured to the other side of the bed," The tear's on his side."

Mark sat and carefully took Derek into his arms, the chain on the handcuff jangled cruelly as his weight shifted," At least he's not in pain."

"Don't be so sure about that," Owen started taking out the old sutures," I have him on all I can give him and when he's still and calm it keeps him comfortable at best, I'm about to wreck that."

"Hmmm?" Mark glanced at the area Hunt was about to start on, Derek stirred beneath him and buried his face into Mark's chest.

"I can't let this get infected," he sprayed the area with iodine and started removing the old sutures," So once I get these out, the wound will be exposed to air and I'll have to clean it again."

"Sorry," Mark shook his head," I'm not exactly..."

"This is your best friend," Owen discarded the old threads and filled a larger syringe with solution," That's why I'm doing this and you're holding him," he nodded and Mark tightened his grip a bit.

==END FLASHBACK==

Derek's scream echoed in his mind as he pulled up to the emergency room, he turned off the car and got the wheelchair from the trunk," Derek?" he tapped his friend's hand to try to rouse him. He stirred slightly and coughed, he winced and let Amy help him sit up.

"We're here, Derek," Mark felt for the bumps that the bandages and wound dressings imprinted in his shirts. He slid his arms around Derek and helped him to the edge of the seat, he felt his friend's muscles tense up and heard him bite back a yelp. He stopped," Take your time," Derek nodded and gripped his shoulder.

As his feet hit the pavement he tried to stop himself from putting weight on either of them. He panicked as he realized he was too late and dug his fingers into Mark's shoulders. Derek managed to stifle an all out scream, but a choked cough that was louder than he'd have liked still escaped his lips. He felt his feet leave the ground as Mark picked him up and set him gently in the chair.

It was utterly humiliating as he was wheeled through the halls of Seattle Grace. He was more concerned about Meredith and their child than being embarrassed however. He felt nauseous as they came upon the door to her room.

"Derek," Addison was waiting for him at the door. His heart raced," Derek I couldn't save them both..."

"Meredith...is she?" a tear rolled down his face.

"She's weak but okay," Addison put a hand on his," I'm sorry, Derek."

He took in a breath that was too quick and bit into his chest, he winced but was glad Meredith was alive. His body shook as Mark knelt and hugged him. Muscles spasming, tremor like convulsions sent shockwaves through him as he realized he was sobbing into Mark's chest.

Meredith knew she was waking up, but her eyes hadn't quite gotten the message yet. She heard voices all around her, they sounded far away and worried.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice was soft and broken.

"Der..." her tongue felt thick and heavy.

"Oh, Meredith," she felt his hand on hers and slowly opened her eyes.

"How'shh...?"

"Our baby?" he choked on the words. She nodded," Meredith, she...she..."

"No..."she breathed.

"Addison tried...there was..." she saw tears streaming down his face," I'm so sorry Meredith."

"Derek," she tried to sit up," then what's..." she gestured as best she could to the blanket nestled in his lap.

"You can hold her," he used his good arm to lift the small bundle and placed it next to her.

Mark and Amelia watched through the glass as Derek and Meredith spent a few minutes with their child before the team would take it to prepare the body. Tears ran down their cheeks as they tried to make sense of the last few hours.

Derek felt his heart break as he and Meredith held their child, his head reeled and the room swam in a sea of blurry shapes and colors,' Something's wrong,' he panted a bit between tears,' this doesn't feel right,' he coughed and felt something give in his side. Ignoring it to spend a few more precious moments with his wife and child, he bit back the overwhelming pain that was now spreading up his torso.

"C-can we..." Meredith looked as broken as he felt," try again?"

He opened his mouth to answer her and coughed. He almost panicked as he felt warm fluid run down his stomach, the familiar taste of metal filled his mouth. Meredith didn't seem to notice, so he nodded and lay his head on the edge of the bed,' Stop spinning,' he told the room as he clenched his eyes shut. He dared a peek at his shirt as Meredith ran her fingers through his hair, his left side was soaked. He could smell blood now and knew he needed to get Owen fast, but Meredith was crying and needed him. He forced the scream down as he picked up his head and cuddled into her side as best he could from the wheelchair.

There was a light knock on the door, Derek's heart skipped a beat and he jumped. He couldn't stifle a small groan but managed not to scream, small victory but victory nonetheless. Christina poked her head in the doorway, he felt some tension drain,' She can take care of Meredith,' he felt drunk. He locked eyes with Christina and pleaded," Y-yang..." he felt nauseous when he spoke, but the edges of his vision were dark.

"Derek," Christina heard desperation in his voice and went to his side.

"Y-ynnn..." he could no longer hold himself upright and lay his head and right shoulder on the bed. Yang saw that Meredith's eyelids were drooping from the drugs, her heart broke as she saw tears still rolling down her friend's cheeks.

"Aahhh," he gasped," Y-ya..." it finally registered that Derek was trying to get her attention.

"I'm sorry Derek I..." she bent down to see his face," You okay?" his lips were blue and his breathing was labored," Shit, Derek," she cursed softly and got behind him. She slid her arms beneath his and clasped them together over his sternum, as gently as she could she picked him up and set him back upright.

The door opened and the nurse came to take the bundle from Meredith's arms, which had started to go slack. Christina tilted Derek's head back and shined her pen light in his eyes," Derek," she whispered so Meredith wouldn't wake," Derek!" she turned to the nurse," Page Hunt stat."

"He's in shock," Mark recognized the symptoms immediately after Yang helped him sit up.

"I would be too, I mean losing..." Amelia was drying her eyes.

"No, Amy," Mark reiterated," I mean he's actually in shock," he pulled a vacant bed from the hallway and wheeled it into the room.

"Meredith's out," Christina was lightly slapping Derek's cheek," I'm scared, Mark," her voice quivered," I'm drenched in sweat."

"Christina," Owen's voice was calm and collected," I need you to stay calm, but you're not sweating," he had snapped on gloves and moved in her place," he's bleeding."

Derek could see what was happening as if he were watching a movie that he'd been thrown into and had no control over. He tried to talk to Meredith, but found he couldn't respond. His vision had completely faded and breathing was proving challenging.

"Let's get a trauma room," Hunt and Sloan had transferred Derek to the bed and Owen had switched to survival mode.

"Trauma room?" Amelia's eyes were wide.

"He's not gonna make it to an OR," Owen pushed the bed next to the table in Trauma Room Six," Move on three, one, two, three," a choked scream that came out more like a yelp echoed in the small room.

"What's wrong?" Amy started to cry again.

"Amy, get outta here," Owen was washing his hands," Christina take her out of here."

"But, Derek!" she caught a glimpse of his face as Mark moved. His lips were blue, his body shook like he was in ice water and weak rasping sounds emanated from his chest.

"Amy, out," Mark turned and barked at her," Please, let us concentrate."

"Der..." she went numb as she let Christina lead her to the hallway.

"What're we lookin' at?" Mark was now taking his turn at the sink.

"Pnuemothorax or Atelectasis, I'm not sure though neither is good," he gloved up and started cutting the sleeves of Derek's shirt," Get a trauma kit from the red box behind you. Could be something else, I really hope I'm wrong."

"Okay," Mark turned and grabbed two just in case," What for?"

"He's bleeding out, get me a cautery pen and four sticks," Mark now noticed Owen's fingers were knuckle deep in Derek's side.

"Shit," Sloan popped the plastic on the first trauma kit and lay it out on the counter beside Hunt.

"Good, stay calm and start some Ringers," Owen felt for the internal tear," hook up EKG leads and push some Demerol. Let's get him comfortable.

Derek had been too weak to scream when Yang picked him up, which scared him. He felt like his heart had literally broken inside his chest when he saw Meredith and their...could he rationalize it? Could he face the fact that Clark had almost taken everything away from him? Cold scissors crept up his bicep as he felt Hunt cutting through his shirt. His body shook violently as he felt himself start to crash. He mentally assessed himself and tried to figure out what Owen and Mark were going to do when he heard Amy scream his name,' Jesus, Mark get her out of here,' he turned his head away from her.

He heard Mark tell Yang to get Amy and get out, then Mark's face next to his. Mark was taking orders from Owen who had the 'I'm trying to save your life' tone in his voice that he'd become all too familiar with over the past month and a half,' I wish I would either start getting better or just let me die already,' the thought of all the pain stopping was tempting.

Owen picked up the cautery pen and waited for the tip to glow," Mark, you got that IV yet?"

"His veins are constricted and pulse is thready, I'm trying one more time," Derek tried to turn his head to look at Mark and began to get scared, the EKG's beeping increased.

"No time," Owen felt his adrenaline spike," Get him an oxygen mask. He's hypovolemic, and if I don't get this now..." his voice trailed off, Mark locked eyes with him.

"Hypovolemic already?" he put a forearm across Derek's chest and neck, the other over his thighs. The term Hunt used was almost foreign,' Derek couldn't really be bleeding out, not now...' he was so lost in thought he almost didn't catch the first jolt.

Owen pinned Derek's wrist to the table with a strip of gauze and took a deep breath as he pulled it tight. The cautery pen was glowing red, he didn't have time to care about removing the sutures cleanly. Hunt opened the wound with a pair of forceps and searched for the bleed, Derek squirmed beneath him as he tried to get away from the forceps.

Derek felt cold metal inside him,' The one they've been watching,' he tried his best to lay still, but tremors still wrecked his muscles. He closed his eyes and tried to escape,' Wait,' a cold chill ran through him as procedures raced through his mind,' the only reason they'd open it is if I was close to exsanguination and they were gonna...' he panicked,' if they were gonna cauterize it to keep me alive.'

Hunt saw the muscles in Derek's arm tense as he struggled to lift his wrist," Hang in there, I've almost found the bleed," he tried to sound reassuring," Lay still," he explored with the forceps, suddenly blood gushed from the wound and splattered onto the floor and the front of his scrubs,' Found it,' his victory was short-lived as he burned the edges of the wound closed," Watch his heart."

Derek's back arched and Mark struggled to keep him still," He didn't scream," Mark almost sounded triumphant.

"He can't scream," Owen pulled the cautery out," That'll hold until we figure out why," he turned to Derek," You did great," he patted Derek's hand as he cut the gauze from his wrist," Check his lungs, Mark."

Derek's breathing was shallow and quick," I'm surprised you didn't pass out," Owen took advantage of the aftermath and started feeling for inflammations in between Derek's ribs as Mark listened.

Derek mouthed words that wouldn't come, his vision threatened and he wasn't sure how he hadn't passed out. His side burned and he felt sick," That'll hold until we can get you into surgery," Owen started on the other side of his chest," Try and take slow deep breaths, the oxygen mask will give you enough air."

"You were right," Mark looked up at Owen," Found the inflammation," his heart sank.

"Good, let me," Owen listened to Derek's lungs through Mark's stethoscope," Dammit, okay Derek you've either got a Pnuemothorax or Atelectasis, which in case you're too scared to remember, means that there's air in your chest outside your lung and it's collapsing. You with me?" Owen's heart went out to him as he saw Derek's eyes wide and searching his face, pleading with him not to tell him his prognosis," It means I have to put in a chest tube before you run out of air," his eyes closed with defeat and a tear rolled down the side of his face.

"I got it ready," Mark pulled the tray of supplies to the head of the table," You ready, Owen?"

"Derek I'm gonna try a local, I think I have enough time," Owen was already pulling a syringe of something Derek couldn't read the label on.

"Sonuvabitch," Mark started trying to figure out how to position for the procedure.

"Sii-sssa..." Derek dared to try and speak.

"Hmmmm?" Mark looked at him and lifted the edge of the oxygen mask.

"'Siiide..." his voice was a whisper and he looked terrified.

Mark repositioned the mask and ran a hand through Derek's hair," Left," immediately he saw what little color left in Derek's face drain," Stay calm so we have time to give you locals," Mark tried being reassuring," be still."

Derek flashed back to his first experience in Seattle Grace's OR with locals, he clenched his eyes shut and the pain in his chest grew worse," You've been complaining of your chest being tight," Owen swabbed below the massive bandage that dominated his left shoulder and part of his chest," tests didn't show it, but then again I didn't check your Arterial Blood Gases when I ran your labs," he uncapped the needle with his teeth," Little stick."

Derek jumped as the needle bit his chest, he felt like he'd come back from doing wind-sprints in mid-August. He felt he was dangerously close to hyperventilating and having a full-blown panic attack. The edges of his vision blackened and he felt sick, his mind raced,' They're going to put a tube in my chest and then intubate me again,' his breath hitched and he coughed into the mask, sending shockwaves down his back,' Oh God, I'm either about to vomit or black out.'

"Shit, he's gonna pass out," Owen slapped his cheek lightly," Derek, stay with us!" he popped the plastic packaging on the scalpel in the tubing kit," Mark, can you...or do you need me to?"

"You please," Mark choked back tears of his own.

"Derek," Owen moved to Mark's side by Derek's waist," try not to move," he took scalpel in hand and nodded to Mark," Move fast, ready?"

"Go," Mark curled Derek's left arm and held his elbow up.

"Swabbing," Hunt squirted the packet of iodine on the side of Derek's chest. He felt for the intercostal space and put the blade to skin, before his emotions could make him hesitate he dragged it down about two inches. Blood seeped from the incision, and Derek writhed. Instinctively, he drew his legs towards his chest.

A decision he bitched at his reflexes for making as his right knee wreaked mind-numbing havoc throughout his body. He felt his left knee connect with something that gave a bit," Almost finished," Hunt's voice was calm and collected," worst part's over with," he unwrapped the tubing and lined it up. Derek couldn't help but struggle against the two of them as Owen tried to get a good angle," Be still and I only have to do this once, Derek," Owen wasn't sure his friend could hear him.

Pressure released from his chest immediately as he heard a sickening pop. Derek struggled to take in more oxygen as he felt his lung's maximum capacity increase," Easy, take it slow," Mark used his other hand to massage the muscles around the tubing," we're finished," he bit back tears," Owen's gonna finish draining the fluid and tape this in place," Derek felt like a fish out of water.

"Good job," Hunt taped his chest," hard part's over with, if you calm down I won't have to intubate you."

Derek tried desperately to control his breathing, there was definitely less pressure in his chest but he still shook. He tried slow, deep even breaths. They were rough and still hurt, but not as intensely now," Doing great," Mark sounded tired, Derek saw his eyes were swollen and blood shot. He was confused at first, then remembered just before he'd been rushed in here that Meredith had miscarried. Tears ran freely from his eyes and soaked into his hair," I know, try not to..." Mark wiped his eyes with an extra piece of fresh gauze," we need you stable so we can keep from intubating you."

"It's secure, I'll have to run an ABG to determine whether Atelectasis or Pneumothorax," Hunt gathered the waste and threw it away," You're one tough son of a bitch," he sat on a stool and lowered the table a bit so Derek was eye level with him.

"O-ownn..."

"Don't," Hunt shushed him," let your body adjust while I get you a shot of Demerol," he turned and grabbed a syringe of Demerol off the counter," I had it ready," he smiled," I know the last few hours have been hell...other hand, right hand, don't move your left arm," Derek put his hand on his stomach and felt a small prick on the top," Meredith is fine, she's stable and asleep. She didn't see you crash, she thought you fell asleep."

"G-good.d..."

"Didn't I just tell you to hush?" Owen smirked as he secured the IV," Addison went in and saw there was nothing she could do, she didn't want to risk Meredith so she pulled out of the surgery."

"Meredith's fine, Derek," Mark rolled up a towel and put it beneath his head.

"W-we hadn't..." his breath quickened and the monitor attached to his chest beeped.

"Take it easy," Mark took his hand," you're not outta the danger zone yet."

"...'ven named...h-her," he started to cry again.

"I'm sorry, Derek," Owen wiped his forehead with a cool cloth, he shuddered," Listen, the Pulsox I have on you says you're still not getting enough air," he rolled closer," if your oxygen saturation hasn't risen in the next ninety seconds and your lips are still blue I have to intervene," Derek shook his head," Derek, you're in shock and your heart could give under the strain if I don't do something."

"N-no..." he panted a bit and swallowed," no more t-tubes..." his eyes were still glassy and his lips now a shade of deep purple," P-please..."

"Relax and I won't need to," Hunt pressed on Derek's fingernail and checked his capillary refill," I've got you on fluids that should rehydrate you, you lost a good amount of blood," he looked at Mark and shook his head," This would have happened regardless, but when you bent over to be closer to Meredith and were crying on top of it, the stress caused your lung to finally collapse."

"F-fll weak..."

"Some of that's the Demerol," Mark repositioned his grip on Derek's elbow," I'm gonna put your arm down, let it go limp or it'll hurt," Derek nodded slightly. He winced when it straightened and tried to draw in a breath. Immediately nausea swept through him and he coughed, the taste of blood filled his mouth again and he turned to spit it out.

"His oxygen sat's dropping again," Owen shook his head as he wiped the blood from Derek's lips," I don't wanna wait too long, he's still losing blood."

"One more minute," Mark shot him a look of determination," he'll level out."

"Mark..." Owen moved the oxygen mask to the side of Derek's face," he's in shock, dehydrated, is barely breathing and his lips are purple," he spoke softly," I don't want to either but according to the leads on his chest the left lung isn't expanding at all."

"Can't we just put him out?"

"With the arrhythmias his heart's putting out on that screen? I can't sedate him like that, risk of congestive heart failure," Hunt ran a hand through his hair.

"Whurr-mm-ii?" Derek's speech slurred.

"He's becoming less lucid," Owen was getting nervous.

"How much of that blood did he swallow?"

"Unrelated if he's choking himself to get enough air with a mask on," he paused," unless you want to pump his stomach to minimize risk of him vomiting."

"If we have to ventilate him, I'd feel better if we did," Mark flipped off his emotions like a light switch," I'm sorry, Owen, you're right," he felt numb," I'll get the kits."

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Author's Note: I know everyone wanted to see Meredith keep the baby, I hope you stuck with me through this. I have a reason for this and it's coming up in next few chapters. No, I haven't forgotten about Clark but a few more things need to come into play and remember Derek stabbed him so I'm giving him time to heal up for a showdown where...well that's almost too much info. :P

Too, if I recall someone told me they loved my chapter where I beat Derek to hell and back. His relapse was coming sooner or later and everyone knows it, so here it is. Derek bashing for a few chapters, I guarentee the safety or survival of none of the characters in my fics. This being said I'll hint to you that my fav chars don't die :)

Hope this explains and clears things up for you all, if not please inbox me any questions you might have. Like "Where the hell is Bailey and Webber?" or "Where's Addison and Amy?" those will be answered next chapter I promise!

For those of you who pick up on my foreshadowing, thanks for paying attention to the storyline! Working on next chapter, have 3 weeks off school so I can write again :)


	30. I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

Classes started up for second semester in college! yay! but I still have some new drama for you guys, hope you enjoy this new chapter I worked really hard to setup some good stuff and I hope this chapter is as good as the ones you guys say you love. Enough chit chat, get to readin!

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Chapter 30: I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

"Derek?" Meredith's head felt heavy, she propped on her elbow.

"Meredith, Owen's looking at him," Christina patted her hand," you did great through surgery."

The past few hours hit her like a battering ram," We lost her didn't we?" tears slid down her face.

"Yeah."

"I'm glad," she sniffled," I got to hold her..." Christina handed her a tissue.

"Yeah, Addison and I tried to save her," she felt her eyes well up with tears too," You'd have died and..."

"I almost wish..."

"Meredith!" Christina snapped her back to reality," If you're gone, Derek has no reason to live."

"Where is he?" she let herself cry.

"Owen and Mark are with him," Christina hated the grogginess patients had after anesthesia," While we're here he may as well get checked out," repeating herself was usually annoying, but for Meredith she'd make an exception.

"I want to see him," Meredith pulled the sheet back and sat up slowly," I don't remember much after I got here."

"That's because we rushed you to surgery and you were out after that."

"Derek's okay?" Meredith was inspecting the tiny suture site near her navel.

"I'm sure he is, Owen and Mark are with him," she reinforced the idea even though she'd seen his lips were blue,' I hope he's all right.'

Derek felt lightheaded and nauseous, he could barely hear what Mark and Owen were saying,' Shock,' he tried wiggling his fingers and found them numb,' I'm in shock,' his body still shivered and the room felt like an icebox.

"Derek," Mark patted his cheek, a clean oxygen mask had been placed over his face.

'When did that happen?' he tried retracing the previous few minutes without much success.

"Derek," Mark's voice was insistent, Derek opened his eyes," Listen, we've got options," he patted his face again to make sure he was conscious," You with me?" Derek managed a small nod," Okay, we can intubate you and force your lung to expand," Derek shook his head," or, or...we can try and drain the area with an intercostal trocar. Neither are too fun, but one may cause you less panic," Mark glanced at the monitor and prayed," We don't want to move that chest tube because we'd have to redo it if we used that to drain outside your lung. It's up to you, provided you decide in about thirty seconds before you pass out."

Derek visualized the procedures, he'd seen Hunt do them about a thousand times,' The syringe they'll use is about three inches long and one of the biggest ones manufactured, it'd go in between my ribs beneath my arm. Which they'd have to move again,' the thought made his shudder,' Once in, they'd suction out the fluid or air around my lung in the pleural space,' darkness loomed behind Mark's head,' More painful but less claustrophobic. Intubating me would cause less stress to my body since I have too many puncture wounds to count already,' he closed his eyes and took as deep a breath as his body would allow.

"Okay, your O2 sats are dangerous," Hunt shook him a bit," Your BP's dropping, tube?" Derek shook his head," trocar?" Derek swallowed hard and nodded.

'I'll probly pass out before they finish prepping,' he held onto the thought hopefully.

"You know we're breaking about nine kinds of protocol?" Mark smirked.

"Yeah, like he's gonna sue us if we don't strap him to the table," Owen pulled Derek's arm away from his body and put it next to his side," That way we won't flex it too much but I know it won't move," Derek winced and tried not to choke on the yelp that was trying to force its way out. His arm limply wrapped around the small of Owen's back, he could barely feel it now.

"Don't be getting fresh with Owen over there," Mark grinned as best he could, truthfully he was terrified. Derek's lips were still purple and the IV fluids weren't helping much,' He's gonna need a transfusion, he's lost way too much blood,' he tried to remember Derek's blood type offhand.

"M'kay..." Derek managed a weak smile back at Mark.

"Doing good, just lay still. I won't stick you without telling you first," Hunt saw tension fade slightly from Derek's chest. He felt a good wide space between the ribs," Okay, here we go."

'I'm still conscious,' he panicked as he felt a sharp stab. Clark, the knife, his head smashing through the window of his Porsche,' So much blood,' he remembered as Clark sped away catching a quick glimpse of the pool of blood he was lying in. His body went into overdrive, he tried inching away with his legs.

"Bad part done," Owen had started pulling back on the plunger to drain whatever was causing his lung to constrict," You should feel less dizzy in a few minutes," he saw Derek struggling against Mark," Don't waste your energy, try and breathe so I can see if this worked."

"You're a neurosurgeon," Mark checked his pupils," if you don't get your O2 sats up soon, what happens?" Derek tried to slow down and concentrated," Good, keep that pace."

"It's working, I don't have to intubate you," Hunt unscrewed the plastic shaft and grabbed another one," There was fluid around your lung."

Derek felt something release his chest, he gasped at the newfound air his lungs were able to take in. His mind still tortured him with images of Clark's attack, he remembered the sickening sound his knee made when it snapped. He heard Owen's voice, breath hot against his ear. Something about he was stabilizing and everything would be all right, Derek shook his head. Nothing was all right, his child was dead and his wife was hurting,' I need more strength,' he opened his eyes and waited for the room to become stationary.

"Derek?" Mark called for him, he couldn't respond.

"He's stabilizing," Hunt pulled off his gloves," we need to get him into surgery as soon as possible, those cauteries won't hold forever. I don't want to do this again."

'Surgery?' Derek felt a cold chill run down his spine.

==FLASHBACK==

His eyes hadn't even opened and already the pain was excruciating. His body ached and throbbed in places he'd only read about in medical books,' I'm coming up too fast,' if he thought it'd have done him any good or relieved even a slight bit of tension he'd have screamed. He vaguely remembered being put under so Callie could reconstruct his knee,' What else did they do?' he heard Mark and Meredith saying something about him reacting badly to the anesthesia and that they should bring him up faster. His heart leapt to his throat as he contemplated the notion that this could get worse. His breath caught in his throat as the bed shifted slightly and his leg was jarred.

==END FLASHBACK==

Looking back on the memory of his first few seconds of consciousness after each surgery or procedure where he'd simply passed out, his stomach did a backflip. The familiar, and usually comforting, smell of fresh, crisp, surgical grade cleaner hit his nostrils faintly through the oxygen mask,' We made it to the OR,' as if the pain wasn't terrifying enough his brain had to work overtime to visualize every step in the procedures Mark and Owen were probably going to perform while he was under,' if they put me under...' another realization made his head spin,' if I go under, they'll tube me again,' he saw the kit they'd pop open in his mind. The plastic crinkling as they lay a sterile field on his chest, Mark probably tilting his unconscious head back and putting his thumbs at his jawline to keep his mouth open. The tube sliding past his lips and down his throat, Mark would most likely have to press on his jaw so hard to keep him from moving his thumbs would leave bruises as his body's natural instincts took over and fought the invading object now snaking it's way inside.

"Derek," Mark felt like he'd said his name a thousand times in the last month and a half," you should start getting sleepy in a few minutes."

Derek noticed the oxygen mask had been taken off his face, Mark was already scrubbed in and gloved up. He was leaning over the operating table Derek was laying on,' Table?' Derek panicked,' I'm losing time,' he searched for a memory of the lapse.

"Put him under," Hunt's voice was the last thing he heard before his eyes closed.

"If he's under, shouldn't we...?"

"That's why I'm in here," Owen tied his mask behind his head.

"Huh?" Mark looked confused.

"I'm a highly trained trauma surgeon, I've been at this for years and have been in some of the worst situations imaginable," he draped Derek's side and started cutting around the wounds he'd be working on," if you monitor those vitals and he only thinks he's unconscious, I'll drug the hell out of him and finish this up fast."

"Have I ever told you you're a genius?" Mark saw Derek's eyes move restlessly beneath their lids.

"If he starts making strange faces or stirring in the least, push another mil of this," Hunt pointed to the syringe attached to Derek's IV," He'll be unconscious without being sedated."

"I'm guessing this is risky and probably nine kinds of unethical and illegal?" Mark raised his eyebrows.

"You see any cameras in here?" Hunt smirked, Mark shook his head," Then yes, we could lose our licenses for what I'm doing," he started cleaning out the infection that was trying to make its way to Derek's chest," but I'm not making him go through another extubation, so I'll risk my license to spare him that."

"I'd risk my life and whatever else I need to if it means he's not hurting," Mark surveyed the damage and glanced back at the monitors.

"Then we followed protocol, Dr. Sloan," Hunt smiled.

"You concentrate on your work, Dr. Hunt," Mark noticed Derek squirm a bit, he put a hand on his friend's forehead and pushed another mil into his IV. He let out the breath he'd been holding in when he saw him go slack.

"I'll be about an hour or two, the drugs might not keep him asleep or close enough to it enough to keep him comfortable," Hunt reattached the small veins and arterioles to each other with a glucose-based adhesive and watched happily as they turned pink," If that happens, there's another syringe on the table next to the monitor with enough Ripivocaine and Fentanyl in it to make him go lights out in the time it takes you to push it through the port," he began trying to find out why the sutures weren't holding the wound closed and exploring for clues," there's an intubation kit next to it, use the drugs first."

"I really hope it doesn't come to that," Mark shook the thought out of his head," So how do we know that no one's going to come in here and catch us breaking infinite laws and protocols?"

"I texted Webber," Mark's head jerked up and his eyes grew wide," Stop worrying, he's outside the door making sure no one 'observes while Derek's vulnerable'. Rich isn't it?"

"And again I say you're a genius."

"He's also there because if something goes wrong and you pick up that phone he's our backup," Hunt began removing bits and pieces of the silk shirt Derek had been wearing when he was attacked," This is why he's still so sick," he dropped the small bits of fabric into a nearby basin," This is going to be a reoccurring event, I get the feeling."

Meredith sobbed into Christina's shoulder," W-where's Derek?" the anesthesia had long worn off and even Christina was getting worried about him,"Is...he...okay?" she said between sobs.

"Meredith, I could go check on him if you want," she handed her friend another tissue," I'm sure Mark and Owen are just taking advantage of him being here to run tests and..."

"Y-you sure?" Meredith put the tissue to her nose and Christina winced at the sound that came from her.

"I mean I haven't heard anything," she ran a hand through her hair," So I guess that could be a good thing."

"Chloe'..."

"Huh?" Yang looked at Meredith, confused.

"Derek, liked Chloe'," tears ran down her cheeks," What happened?"

"Addison went in and delivered, Chloe', and there was no cry," Christina put her arm around Meredith," She did CPR after she cleared an airway, Chloe' was already gone."

"I w-want D-derek..." she leaned into Christina," Please, g-go get him."

Derek felt himself begin to wake up, the first thought that came to mind terrified him,' Did they intubate me?' he gingerly dared to move his tongue. A wave of relief swept over him as he realized there was no plastic in his mouth, he let his body wake up without fighting to stay asleep. Before his eyes were even open, his lips formed her name," Mer-" he coughed,"-dith..."

"We're making sure we didn't miss anything," Hunt appeared next to him as his vision cleared.

"Sit him up," Mark slid a hand beneath his back, avoiding the injured shoulder," Derek, I need you to do something for me."

His chest burned as they sat him up, painful but not completely intolerable compared to the last time he woke up after surgery. Images of Meredith floated in his mind as his body settled,' Still hurts to breathe,' he let his head dip and didn't try to look around,' They must've been working on my side near my ribs,' he tried slow even breaths. Mark and Owen put a pillow in his lap and sat on either side of him,' They want me to...oh shit.'

"Derek," Mark took a deep breath," Your chest was open for about an hour and a half, I...I need you to clear your lungs."

'Dammit,' Derek felt sick, he knew why it was necessary,' Fluid build up in my lungs could cause pneumonia and kill me.' This thought did little to comfort him.

"One good cough and I'll take you to Meredith," Hunt was hoping the thought of seeing Meredith would encourage him.

He was right, Derek took a deep breath and let it out quickly. Mark and Owen let out the breath they'd been holding with him. Derek felt like a bomb had gone off in his chest, he had the pillow in a death-grip and panted heavily trying to rid himself of the sensation. He looked at Owen,' That good enough?' Owen shook his head," I-I can't..."

"You have to," Owen was firm,' God I wish I could do this for you...' for the first time in years, Owen's mind flashed back to the war.

==FLASHBACK==

"Got another GSW and a guy with shrapnel," the sergeant barked orders," Hunt, take the shrapnel, Collins take the GSW! Move people!"

Owen didn't think, he just moved. The gurney was unloaded off the back of the truck, he didn't look at the other victims inside. Screams echoed through the base as the wounded were brought in, he didn't want to see what was on those gurneys. Hell, he didn't want to see what was on his gurney. He ran down the small crowded hallway to the makeshift OR, his patient was quiet. Definitely not a good start, usually the ones who screamed made it to the outside of his OR.

"It's...okay, sir," the boy had blood trickling from his mouth, it was the first time Owen had a chance to look at him.

"What's that, soldier?" he scrubbed his hands as best he could in the sink with an old bar of soap and gloved up.

"I...I'm pretty sure," he coughed and more blood seeped from his mouth," I'm not g-gonna..."

"You're gonna be fine, just keep breathing for me," Hunt unbuckled him and pulled the blanket from his body, he fought to keep composure as his stomach turned. Small slivers of metal glinted in the overhead light," What's your name, son?"

"J-Joseph," he shivered as Owen started cutting his shirt off," Joseph..Meyers, s-sir."

"No need for formalities here, Joseph, did your commander give you anything for pain?" he pulled an IV kit from the drawer next to him.

"Had one s-shot of Morphine left," he stuttered," I gave it to Perkins."

"So nothing?"

"No, sir. Perkins' leg was," he winced as Owen pulled a piece of metal from his chest," land mine."

"You did good, Joseph," he had to work fast,' That should help him breathe a bit better,' he hooked up the IV and hung a bag of fluids and another of whatever pain medicine was available, he didn't bother reading the label.

"I got f-family," the kid didn't look a day over nineteen," t-tell them I died with honor."

"If anything should happen, son," Owen saw a ray of hope, most of the shrapnel hadn't pierced his uniform near his vital organs. But saving Joseph's arm would be a different story," If anything happens, I'll tell 'em anything you want; but I plan to send you home alive to tell them yourself," Joseph's eyes fluttered," Dammit, soldier! Stay alive, think of your family!"

"T-thank you, sir," the boy's eyes were blue and fierce," I'm going home to them."

==END FLASHBACK==

Owen staggered backwards, tears stung his eyes as he remembered Joseph crying on his dead brother's body. His brother had been the GSW in the next room who didn't make it," Owen?" Mark reached across Derek and grabbed his arm.

"Sorry, I-I need a moment," Owen found the chair next to Derek's bed and sat down.

Derek took another deep breath, he gathered his resolve and coughed as hard as he could. Pain exploded in his chest again and he collapsed into Mark's side, who waited patiently until he stopped shaking. He let Mark lay him back onto the sheets, once he'd caught his breath he looked at Owen," You okay?"

Owen's mind was a blur of memories of stories just like the one he'd flashed back to, but worse. Boys barely of age to vote or drink alcohol were bloody and hurting and a good portion of them died on his table, his hands shook and his breath was quick,' Derek had the same look,' the day of the attack worked its way tot he surface,' the day I operated on him...' he took a few deep breaths before answering," Y-yeah..." he cleared his throat," I'm fine I just..." his face burned a bright red," I had a flashback."

Derek sympathized," The war?"

"Yeah," he straightened and stood next to Derek," I'm okay though."

"Good," he let himself relax," How's Meredith?"

"She's fine, we're keeping her overnight for observation," Mark faked wiping his nose to try and contain his own tears," Protocol, nothing went wrong."

"But I'm sure she's worried sick about you," Owen kicked the brakes off on the bed's wheels," Let's go see her."

"W-wait," Derek's voice was almost timid.

"Hmmm?" Owen looked at him, puzzled.

"It's past..." he looked at the clock," my meds are..."

"Lapsing?" Mark checked the IV bag," No we have you on some sedatives, I can up the dose a bit if you're hurting."

"I'm always hurting," the defeat in his voice hung in the air.

"Do you want more?"

"Yeah," he licked his chapped lips," Please, I don't want Meredith seeing me like..."

"Okay, I'll up the Demerol and we'll take you to see her," Mark upped the drip rate on the IV," Let's clean you up a bit first though, that okay?" Derek nodded," Then we can leave you two alone," Mark was glad he agreed without much of a fuss, although brushing his friend's teeth and shaving him wasn't on the top of his to-do list he didn't want him to be embarrassed," Don't overdo it, Derek, remember I have you on enough Demerol to tranq a tiger."

"I jusht want to shee Meredith," his eyes drooped and his speech slurred, an unfortunate norm he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to.

* * *

I don't know what's up w the spacing, I can't fix it :( I hope it doesn't mess you guys up. If so please send me a private message into my inbox and I'll try to fix it in my original document.

AN: I hope you guys enjoyed the lil tidbit from Owen's past, more of those to come as his mental fortitude starts to break a bit. i'm trying to make the characters i'm focusing this story on more personal. Tell me how i'm doing :)


	31. Unrealistic Expecatations

You asked for more Clark in the story and more drama, so here it is! I'm almost finished foreshadowing, so keep picking up on those details! On a side note, I'm not going to focus a lot on the loss of Derek/Meredith's child just yet. So it will come and it will effect them, just not so much now. Let's make Owen personal shall we? I hope you all enjoy this new chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know I'm uploading a lot right now, please let me know which parts of each chapter you enjoy and what I need to work on so I can make adjustments.

* * *

Chapter 31: Unrealistic Expectations

Mark and Callie walked down the hallway together, when they reached Derek's room the noticed he wasn't alone. Amelia and Lexi were sitting on either side of him, Amy was crying. Derek was still, but conscious. Callie stopped Mark from opening the door," Let them see him for a few minutes, the Chief just left."

"Okay," Mark turned and put his back to the wall.

"I cleaned up the house a bit," Amy held his hand," so Meredith wouldn't have to."

"Thanks," he squeezed her hand.

"You're not, hurting are you?" Amy was on the verge of tears again.

"Not bad," he tried to be strong for her, let her see the big brother she was used to. The one who had always taken care of her and been her rock.

"Good," she put two fingers beneath his jawline and inspected his shoulder, he winced," I just want to see if you're bleeding, your chart says there was..."

"Amy," Derek readjusted his arm," I'm okay."

"You say that, Derek," her voice quivered," you say that and then you almost die," a tear hit his hand.

"Come here," he pushed himself upright, his shoulder ached but Lexi helped him," I know," he put an arm around her and held her tightly," I'm sorry," she put her arms around him and let him lean into her," Mark and Owen don't want to scare you," he felt her shaking," that's why they don't tell you everything."

"I'm a surgeon, Derek," she put her forehead to his," they're stupid if they think I can't see how bad this is."

"I'm not lying to you," he pulled back and pulled the fabric from his chest," I know it'll make you feel a bit better," he panted as he lay back," So here's the truth."

"Intercostal trocar *and* a chest tube?" he watched his little sister switch to doctor-mode," vac on your side means, the infection's back?" she tested the density of the draining fluid," doesn't look good."

"No, and it hurts like hell," he sighed.

"I'll bet," she moved to his chest, tracing the pink scars the lesser cuts left behind," they're serrated..." she looked at him," Can I look at this?" she gently poked a larger bandage.

"If you change the dressing afterwards," he smiled,' I've turned back into that strong older brother again,' the thought was comforting,' if she can rationalize and look me over, she's not gonna cry.'

"Lexi get me a dressing kit off the wall, please."

"Okay," she was speechless when she'd seen Derek's chest,' No wonder they're worried about you and Mark hasn't been home in weeks,' she'd taken over Mark's shifts while he stayed with Derek and now understood how serious this was,' They're not just taking precautions because you're the head of neuro, they're doing all this because you really could die.'

"The blade wasn't serrated here," she pulled on gloves and peeled back the bandage," the other wound shows serration and tearing, that's why it's harder to close," she threw the old bandage in the trash," it couldn't have been a regular blade."

"Hmmm?" Derek looked at her blankly.

"There are very few knives that could do that unless he had two," she inspected the edges of the wound," did he have two?" Derek shook his head," I didn't think so. Derek, this is either a hunting knife or a custom one."

"Does it matter?" his lower stomach burned beneath her fingers.

"Yeah, if we can find out what type of blade was used we have a weapon," she turned to Lexi," Get my cell out of my pocket and take a picture, that okay Derek?"

"Yeah," he bit his lip," Ms. Breaux has better pictures, though."

"I'll call her after I leave," Lexi snapped a few pictures.

"You okay?" the pained look returned to her eyes.

"Yeah, Amy," he caught his breath," I'm fine, it just hurts."

"I'm sorry," she twisted the cap off of a small plastic bottle of saline and rinsed the area," I didn't mean to..."

"Amy, I said it hurt, not that you made it."

"I know, but..." she dried the area and spread balm over it," that should make it hurt a bit less."

"Yeah," he leaned back into the pillow and tried to keep his face straight.

"There," she taped the dressing in place," all finished."

"Thanks, Amy," he smiled lazily at her.

"I love you, Derek," she put her cheek against his for fear a hug would hurt him.

"Love you too, sis," he kissed her lightly.

"I'll be back after I talk to Ms. Breaux," she ran a hand through his hair.

"Okay."

"Get some rest," she stood and gathered her things.

Mark and Callie entered as Amy and Lexi were leaving," Mark!" Lexi threw her arms around him," What happened to your face?!"

"Lexi," he pulled her outside with him and kissed her deeply.

"Mark, what happened?"

"Derek kneed me in the face," he gingerly touched his nose," he had a flashback and I was in the way."

"Jesus, he's still that strong?"

"Yeah, I know right?" he laughed a bit," Broke my nose, I'm actually kinda happy. Shows me he's still fighting."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too, sweetheart," he pulled her to him, she smelled of flowers and it was intoxicating," Have you been to see Meredith?"

"I was on my way, I had to finish some of your charts. Then Amy was crying and..."

"Lexi, thank you," Mark put a hand on her cheek," You don't know how much it means to me that you're taking my shifts so I can stay with him."

"Mark, he's your best friend," she smiled and nuzzled into his hand," what kind of wife would I make if I didn't let you stay with him when he clearly needs you?"

"W-wi..." Mark was taken aback.

"Yes," she smiled," I made up my mind. Mark Sloan, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Little Grey," he'd never been happier," I can't wait to tell Derek."

"Go ahead, looks like therapy today isn't going to go well."

"Why do you say that?"

"He's in a lot of pain today," Lexi put a hand on his shoulder," Amy changed a bandage on his stomach, it wasn't even one of the bad ones, he was biting back screams for her sake," she hugged him again," she feels better but if we can get him sedated he might be able to tolerate today."

"It's raining," Mark could see through Derek's room and out the window," he's always worse when it's raining, gets that gloomy cloud over his head."

"Take good care of him, don't worry about me," she kissed Mark gently," I'll be super woman for a little while."

"I'll go ahead and pull up some more Demerol while I'm out here," he stretched and yawned," should keep him comfortable."

"How you been?" Callie washed her hands in the sink.

"Hurting," he was breathing a bit heavier than normal.

"Sorry, Mark's pulling up a loading dose," she stood next to him," you're not gonna like me anymore."

"Why not?" he almost laughed.

"Because I'm here to look at your knee," she pulled the edge of the blanket off of his leg," and usually when an orthopedic surgeon pays you a visit, it's not pleasant."

"I had a feeling you'd say that," he shivered visibly.

"Someone order the good stuff?" Mark sounded cheerful.

"I can hold off until...Mark what the hell happened to your face?!" Derek's eyes grew wide as he saw the mass of color dead center of Mark's face. Both his eyes were black and his nose was about five different shades of deep blues and purples.

"It's nothing," Mark started hooking up a PCA pump," this is for later, just in case you..."

"Mark! What happened?"

"When Skylar was here, you ummm..."

"I did that?"

"Yeah," Derek's feelings looked hurt," Hey, I'm just happy you can kick that hard still," he put a hand on his friend's shoulder," Don't worry about it, Callie took care of me. Right Callie?" he winked at her.

"He cried like a baby," she giggled," Okay, Derek I'm gonna bend you enough to get your leg off the bed so I can unwrap it."

"I'm sorry Mark," Derek braced for impact as he felt Callie's hand on his foot.

"Relax your leg," she rubbed the bottom of his foot," There, I'm not here to hurt you; but if you tense up I could."

"Mmmkay," Demerol burned his forearm, but the sensation wasn't too unpleasant anymore. He now associated the burning in his arm with the pain going away. Besides, Callie's massage felt good enough to block out-he was interrupted in his bliss by a jolt of pain as his knee bent. He let out a coughed yelp, that was the bad thing about seeing Callie. She never told him when the pain was coming.

"Sorry," she pulled bandage scissors out of her pocket and began cutting the gauze away," wasn't too bad was it?" he felt paralyzed," Sutures held pretty well considering," she put her hand in the bend of his knee, tension filled his leg," I'm gonna need to re-suture a few places."

"I grabbed some kits before you got here," Mark handed her a few plastic-covered boxes.

"Good, thanks," she pulled on a pair of gloves," Before I do that, we get to the part I know you hate. I have to get you up and make you take a few steps."

"I just had a chest tube put in," he tried to get out of it, Callie wasn't buying it.

"Which is why you need to get up, so you don't get pneumonia," she pulled a drawer open," Good news, Lexi and Amy brought you clothes."

"Great."

"Mark I'll step out while you help him into those," Callie handed the clothes to Mark," You're not getting out of this, Derek," she pointed at him and faked a mean look.

"You're right," he smiled at her," I don't like you anymore."

Mark helped him sit up and pulled the gown off him," She's a feisty lil thing huh?"

"Yeah," his breath hitched as he twisted out of the fabric.

"Good news," Mark helped him into his sleeves," Lexi knows how you dress."

Derek couldn't help but giggle," Yeah?"

"Yeah," he pulled a pair of cargo shorts over Derek's legs, careful of his knee," I got a good one don't I?"

"Sure do," he let himself enjoy small talk with Mark, like none of this ever happened.

"We're engaged," Mark stepped back and grinned like a kid on his birthday.

"Really?!" Derek buttoned his shorts and started on his shirt.

"Yeah, she told me in the hallway," he beamed," hey you're doing that by yourself now."

"Yeah, you're out of a job," Derek smirked defiantly," I'm firing you."

"Really now?" Mark saw the old Derek return.

"Yup," he did the last button on his shirt and gave Mark the finger.

"'That a promise or a threat?" the two of them laughed together; and for the first time in a long time, Derek didn't hurt.

"You two retards having fun without me?" Callie came back in.

"Well I'm fired," Mark chuckled.

"Really? You were useful at some point?" she punched his shoulder lightly.

"Listen you," he poked her," He said since he can button his own shirt he doesn't need me anymore."

"Good, did you use your left hand?"

"Yeah," he felt a bit triumphant," shoulder's still shaky, but my hand works."

"Good, as soon as we get it healed up you'll be back in the OR in no time," Callie smiled, Mark bumped her with his elbow and pointed to a note on his chart. Her eyes got big when she saw the amount of drugs he was on, but kept smiling,' No wonder you're in a good mood,' she nodded to Mark," You pushed more while I was outside didn't you?" she said between her teeth.

"Oh yeah," Mark put his arm around her," otherwise he'd pass out."

"Thought so," she started towards Derek," All right, boss, let's get you up."

Owen's face twisted like he was in pain, his hands gripped the sheets, the flashbacks were still attacking him even in sleep. Christina wiped his chest with a damp rag," Owen," she whispered," wake up, love, they're only dreams."

"M-more blood..." his breathing increased," bleeding out...need more..." he was crying.

She caressed his face, he kept muttering orders to his platoon. His leg jumped and he tossed his head as if trying to wake up, Christina put a hand on his shoulder.

"Teddy no!" he jerked upright, tears streamed down his face.

"Calm down," Christina pushed him back onto the bed gently," It's okay."

"I'm...I was..." his eyes were wide and terrified, Christina had seen that look on Derek's face.

"Teddy?" she questioned.

"She saved me," he tried to catch his breath," I-I got shot..."

"Here?" Christina traced what the average person would think was a simple surgical scar.

"Yeah," he wiped his eyes," a guy came into Teddy's OR, said if she didn't stop operating he'd kill her," he stared at the ceiling," He had a gun on her, I was scrubbing in. He didn't notice me, she screamed when the gun cocked back and I tackled him."

"You saved her then."

"He shot me in the chest, I pulled my knife and slit his throat," he didn't seem to hear Christina," I didn't know where I'd been hit at first, it just hurt. I got up and told Teddy I was fine, we finished with the boy on her table. Brought him to recovery and I collapsed. She picked me up and carried me back to the OR, got the bullet out and did her best. I don't remember much, infection set in and she thought I was gonna die. She stayed with me for four days straight, never left."

"I'm glad she was there," Christina kissed his cheek.

"I see that fear in Derek," he held her to him," I know the fear of dying, when you're so close and circling the drain. After that incident I was sent home when I was stable enough to be moved."

"But Derek has you," Christina ran her fingers through his hair.

"Make me forget," he pulled her to him and kissed her roughly. Her hands roamed freely over his body, he poured himself into her lips as their bodies melded. He broke their kiss just long enough to free her of her shirt, she kicked her shoes off and lay on top of him. Skin on skin, she tugged on his sweats. He practically ripped her pants off her as he rolled her over, his hands were deliciously rough. Her nails dug into his shoulders and back," I love you, Christina," he panted.

"I love you too, Owen," she leaned in and bit his neck, he growled and gripped her hips.

Meredith had unhooked herself from her IV's and gotten dressed,' My vitals are stable and I want Derek,' she pulled on her shoes and started down the hall. She peered into the window before heading straight for the door,' If Mark's got the curtain pulled, he'd probly rather I didn't intrude,' she saw Callie and Mark on either side of him. Derek was standing, by himself, unassisted. Her heart leapt,' He's okay,' she watched with tears of joy in her eyes as he steadied himself.

Derek was unaware he was being watched, he'd stood and his leg had held weight relatively well. It hurt, bad, but he forced himself to keep going. He lifted his right leg and took a small step, Mark's hand out just in case. Slowly, he put his full weight down as he tried to bring his left foot to meet it. He stumbled, Mark put himself in front of Derek and kept him from falling," It's okay," he reassured him," you're doing great."

"God, that hurts," he tried to catch his breath as he stood again. Paralyzing agony sent waves up his body, telling him to give in and go back to bed. He refused and took another step out of defiance. Even though he had to lean on Mark, he made it to the bathroom," I got it from here," he gripped the railing on the wall.

"You sure?" Mark dragged a walker beside him.

"Yeah, if I need help I'll ask," his face didn't hide how bad it hurt, couldn't hide it if he tried. Mark let go of him and closed the door on his way out.

"He's walking now?" Meredith's voice behind him scared the hell out of him.

"As of a few minutes ago," Callie was charting nearby," He'll regret it in about an hour when he stops moving."

"But he's up," she beamed.

"I've got him on Vicodin and Morphine," Mark leaned against the wall," he thinks this hurts? Just wait until those wear off and he goes back to Demerol or straight Morphine."

"I'll probly knock him out tonight," Callie was surprisingly calm and clinical.

"Small victory, Mer, but it won't feel like one later on," Mark hugged her," Wait, what are you doing out of bed?"

"I let myself out of jail for good behavior."

"You just had surgery yesterday..."

"...and I'm fine," she smiled," I need Derek."

"What you need is a good ass-beating," he scolded her.

'Standing up isn't so bad,' he told himself the lie, even though he knew he was lying,' It won't hurt so bad this time,' he gripped the railings and pulled. He let go before he screamed,' Damn,' he bent and pulled up his shorts instead,' at least I can do that,' still feeling confident as he buttoned them, he decided to try again. He grabbed on and pulled, this time pushing as hard as he could with his legs. He smiled as he stood and grabbed the walker in front of him. He dared a few steps to the door, each sent explosions all the way to his hip. His leg wasn't the only thing screaming at him today, his shoulder threatened to give out under the pressure as he struggled to keep his balance,' Something's wrong,' the pain intensified. He looked down at his torso to be sure he wasn't bleeding,' Silk,' flashbacks threatened,' I was wearing a shirt just like this, but it was silk,' the room spun and he felt sick," Mark," his vision blurred.

"I'm coming in," Mark opened the door. He had just enough time to kick the walker out of the way and catch Derek as he fell," It's okay," he scooped him into his arms and carried him to the bed.

"You okay?" Callie got up and checked him over," sutures I thought would tear did," she pulled on gloves," That's okay though, I was going to try something else."

Derek's face twisted and he shook as the loading dose started to wear,' Why does it hurt so bad all of a sudden?' he panted.

"Sedate him," Callie turned to Mark," Let this ride for awhile."

"With what?" Mark looked through a list of drugs," Hell all I got is Morphine," he hooked the PCA pump to the IV port and clicked the button.

Derek stilled and lay back, almost peaceful. He closed his eyes and prayed he'd pass out, Callie's new whatever she was doing felt like he had frostbite. A new wave hit him and his vision faded, leaving his dreams of silk shirts and knives tearing them to bloody bits alive.

Christina lay on top of Owen, sweat glistened from their skin. The sheet that covered them should have been steaming, she kissed him deeply. Their tongues intertwining and dancing, they broke and she giggled. His hands trailed her back and made her skin chill up, he smiled up at her," You're the best therapy," he held her hair behind her neck.

"Me exclusively or having sex with me?" she smirked.

"Seriously, Christina," he nuzzled into the hollow of her throat.

"Seriously," she sat up and grabbed his hand. He leaned back into the pillow, she pulled the cannula from his forearm. Owen didn't even flinch, he drew lines on her chest with his fingers.

"You're beautiful," he rose to meet her and put his arms around her waist. His pager went off, breaking the silence.

"At least we got to finish this time," she giggled as he rolled over to quiet the beeping," It's for Derek," he patted her leg," I gotta go."

"I'll come with," she threw the sheet back and got dressed.

"Where's my pants?" he laughed," I mean you did seduce me..."

"Here, jackass," she tossed him his sweats.

"Love you too," he pulled a shirt on and headed out the door.

Derek was unconscious and still his vitals showed signs he was still hurting, the monitors bitched and moaned as he spiked a fever that couldn't decide if it was high or just a little above normal. Blood pressure was the same story, fluctuating on the verge of being dangerous. Sweat dripped down his face and soaked his hair as Derek struggled to stay asleep, Meredith gently wiped it away and was talking softly in his ear.

"Problems?" Owen washed his hands and pulled on gloves," Pyrexic again?"

"After therapy he's always a bit unstable, that's not the reason I paged you," Callie motioned for him," the sutures tore through in two places."

"Put a mesh graft in there and use glucose adhesive," he made it sound so simple.

"Why the hell didn't I think of that?" she mentally kicked herself.

"Because one of your coworkers is writhing on the bed in front of you and there's nothing you can do to make it better," he pulled a trauma cart closer to him with his foot," In fact, when we come in here, we usually do something painful to him. Something that we all know he needs; but it doesn't make it any easier, does it?"

"Don't you need an OR for this?"

"Callie, in the past twenty four hours I could've lost my license at least five times," he smiled," I don't see you going to the Chief with this though."

"No, if it keeps him comfortable."

"Good," he placed the filament over Derek's knee and squeezed some glucose adhesive around the edges before coating the entire thing and tossing the procedure kit," Let it dry and we'll bandage it up. That nose looks pretty bad," Owen teased," You got beaten up by him again?"

"Shutup Owen," Mark faked anger and laughed a bit," Yeah, he broke it this time. The first fight we were only scuffed up, he came back to finish me off."

"I'm guessing Callie took care of you," Mark nodded," Good."

There was a knock on the door," Come in," Owen called.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Skylar came in," I was able to match the license plate to..." she looked around at all the doctors in the room," Oh, I could come back another time and..."

"No, it's fine," Mark closed the door behind her," He's sedated for now."

"I see," Skylar had changed from business attire to casual wear," Well, we may have found Gary Clark," she beamed.

"Really?" Meredith jumped up too fast and winced.

"Yes, but it's only a lead," she pulled a folder from her briefcase which seemed to be attached to her," his truck was spotted at a coffee shop not far from here this morning. I don't think he knows we're onto him yet."

"He's close by?" Mark balled a fist.

"Sort of," Skylar started at his face for a moment.

"From where he kicked me," Mark explained.

"I see, I told you Dr. Shepherd was a strong man," she smiled," and this, she opened the folder," we have a video tape of the attack."

"Bloody hell," Owen winced as he looked through the pictures in the folder," these are great though, won't they prove his innocence?"

"Yes, but there are pieces missing and some with bad angles," she flipped through them herself," like here, we have no audio and no way to tell who's saying what. Dr. Shepherd told the first detective he stabbed Clark with a piece of glass he'd picked up from the ground when his window shattered," she frowned," But that's not what the tape shows, it confirms what he said earlier about Clark stabbing him in the stomach. Then he pulled the knife out and stuck Clark with it."

"Will it refute the drug charges?"

"Perhaps, I've got copies of his labs and all of his medical charts up until today's. I sent them off to the judge and he's leaning towards Derek's innocence from what it looks like, I could be wrong though so don't quote me on it."

"Thank you," Meredith hugged her.

"It's my job, Mrs. Shepherd," she patted her back," I'm also formulating your case against him."

"My case?" Meredith looked confused.

"Yes, your pain and suffering, lost wages, and I'm also charging him with not only premeditated attempted murder; but..." her eyes looked sad," but double attempted murder and one count of attempted manslaughter."

"Huh?"

"His hitman tried to kill you, and when your baby..."

"Yeah," Meredith felt numb.

"I'm sorry, I know this is hard to talk about," Skylar ran a hand through her hair," but I can nail him to a wall once we get him into custody. I need two people, non-family or spouse to confirm that it's Derek in the tape."

"I'm sorry to interject," Owen was still flipping through photos," Do we have a copy of the tape here?"

"Yes, I managed to make a DVD for backup in case anyone stole the original out of the evidence room."

"For medical reasons, it'd be nice to know what happened," Mark was thinking about the size of the syringe Derek was overdosed with.

"I thought so, I'll need a witness, your Chief of Medicine will do fine, and two people to observe," she clicked her pen and looked around.

"Meredith, I don't think you should see this," Owen put a hand on her shoulder.

"I don't want to see it," she sounded small.

"I'll stay here with her," Christina offered," and if Derek wakes up I'll tell him what's going on."

"Okay, Dr. Sloan, Dr. Hunt, please come with me."

"I have surgery in twenty minutes!" Callie looked at her watch," Shit, I'm late. I'll be back later on, Meredith."

Skylar, Mark, Owen, and Richard sat nervously in a conference room," This is all in confidence, the paper you sign will state you are not allowed to disclose anything you see in this film with anyone other than the involved party. You are also to use this to aide in Dr. Shepherd's future medical treatment plan, no one else is to know this tape even exists. By signing the papers in front of you, you agree to these terms and the others mentioned. Please take some time to review what you are signing."

"Here you go," Owen passed the papers to her across the table.

"Gentlemen," Skylar took off her glasses," the content I'm about to show you is going to be difficult to watch. The attack is brutal even without sound, if you think you'd rather not see this please leave now. This is your last chance," no one moved," Okay then," she pressed play.

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Lots of angsty stuff here, let's ride out the storm and pray for better things to come. I'm bringing in a few of the other characters, put in your review who you'd like to see added in the story and why. Remember, I listen to my readers!


	32. Revelations

Fast upload for a short chapter, sorry it's short but I'm working on the next one now! Uploads so fast due to a hurricane currently holding me hostage. I'm uploading whenever I get net lol. Hope you enjoy it. Falmur you've been asking for this for a long time, well buddy here ya go! What really happened that night at the gas station from start to finish. Enjoy!

AN: I know I spelled Cristina and Lexie's names wrong :( my macbook autocorrects it and it's so annoying, I'll be more mindful of this in the future though :)

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Chapter 32: Revelations

"This one has been altered by my computer specialist, it's as close to HD as we can get it. Fortunately this gas station's camera system is good, and in color," Skylar sat back down," which is rare, only about five gas stations record in color in Seattle."

The video cleared, there was a good view of the front and side of the gas pump. Derek's Porsche' pulled in, he sat in his car for a few seconds before turning it off. It looked like he was wiping his eyes, the car shut off and the door opened. He stepped out and closed the car door, even though the image was a bit blurry Mark could still tell Derek had been crying. He walked off camera into the store, lights flickered off to the side of the shot.

'That's him,' Owen felt nauseous,' Dammit, no one else there saw this?'

"This is the inside camera," Skylar pointed out as the screen flashed," this is in HD."

"That must've been Clark's headlights," Richard pointed out verbally what everyone was thinking.

Derek walked into the store and put a bill on the counter, his head down. The clerk nodded and looked outside for the pump number, there was a tension in the conference room as they got a good look at Derek's face. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, his shirt dishelved and his hair a mess. They could tell he was holding his emotions in as best he could, he ran a hand through his hair and looked up almost directly into the camera.

"Is Dr. Shepherd in this frame?" Skylar worded her question carefully.

"Yeah," Owen was the only one who answered audibly, Mark and Richard nodded numbly," at the counter."

"Okay, periodically I'll pause the tape and have you confirm this," she pressed play again.

Derek took the receipt from the counter and shoved it into the pocket of his slacks. The video flashed back to the gas pumps as he walked back to his car. Derek popped the gas tank and leaned against his car as it filled up, his back to the camera. He loosed his tie and tossed it into his car. The gas pump must have clicked, he screwed the top back on his gas tank and closed the lid. The overhead lights flickered out and the emergency night lights replaced them. He checked his cell and put it back in his coat pocket before taking it off and tossing it on the passenger seat. The car shifted slightly as he sat down and closed the door, but he didn't turn it on immediately. Through the passenger glass and the windshield they could barely make out that his head was resting on the steering wheel, he hadn't even put on his seatbelt.

Mark's mouth went dry as waited,' Clark,' the thought unnerved him. He saw Owen shift out of the corner of his eye. Gary Clark made his way to the back of Derek's car slowly, he peered inside the plastic window and snaked his way to the driver's door. All at once he opened the door and jerked Derek from the car, the gas pump rattled from the impact. Derek slumped against the metal, Clark reared back and kicked him in the face. Derek never saw it coming, he fell face-first into the cement.

Derek rolled to his back, Clark stood over him and blocked the camera's view. He paused for a moment and gestured with his hands as if he was talking. Derek inched backwards and got to his knees, Clark kicked at his jaw. Derek deflected his foot and got to his feet,' Good, fight Derek,' Mark didn't want to watch anymore. Clark pulled a knife and he felt sick.

He lunged at Derek and slashed at his chest, missing but tearing his shirt. Shock registered on Derek's face as he stepped sideways away from the blade, he leaned against the car to get his balance. He opened the car door, Clark kicked it shut almost catching his hand. Derek balled a fist and swung, Mark cheered as he watched it connect with Clark's jaw. The man staggered back and fell to a knee,' Derek has one hell of a right hook,' Mark's palms started to sweat.

Derek didn't waste the opportunity, he lunged at Clark again. He stopped abruptly, Owen clenched his jaw tight. Derek slumped into him, Clark pushed him off and back to the ground. He stomped dead center of Derek's chest, his body jerked and Richard looked away. Crimson spread down his side, he grabbed his chest and rolled over. Clark walked away from him a few steps as if contemplating what to do next, Derek writhed on the concrete and slowly got to his knees. He used the car to steady him as he stood,' How is he still conscious?' Richard sighed.

He slumped against the car and tried to slide into the driver's seat, Clark must have heard him and whirled around. Rage filled his eyes and he shouldered the door against Derek's shoulder. His lips moved soundlessly, Derek jerked away from him but was pinned. The knife shone in the light as Clark put it to Derek's neck, Mark swallowed hard. Gary reached into his pocket with his other hand and pulled out a syringe, Derek's hand shook and groped behind him for a way out. Clark was inches from his face, Derek was still and had stopped struggling. His gaze locked on the syringe in his assailant's hand, he twitched as the needle plunged into his neck. Mark winced as he watched helplessly, he felt tears sting his eyes.

Clark withdrew and Derek fell backwards, he clawed at his neck as he hit the pavement. Gary stopped and watched for a few moments, smile planted on his face.

Skylar stopped the tape," Do you recognize the man in the brown coat?"

"Gary Clark," Owen was still the only one who managed to form words.

"Thank you Dr. Hunt," she resumed the video.

Derek's body jerked, he tried to stand and collapsed. Mark put a hand over his mouth as Clark kicked him again, sending him onto his back,' Son of a bitch,' he wanted to but couldn't tear his eyes from the screen.

Gary knelt over Derek and slashed across his chest, blood immediately seeped through his shirt and stained it a dark crimson. He cut him over and over again, Derek put his arms over his face and tried to block the blade. It did little to help as it bit into him again and again, Mark suddenly noticed he was crying. He wiped his eyes and tried to contain himself.

Owen was struggling through as well, he flinched every time Clark brought the knife down,' If he can stand waking up every day, I can stand watching what he went through,' he grit his teeth as blood puddled on the ground below the Derek in the clip,' I might be able to help you through this if I know what happened,' he heard Mark clear his throat and saw that he was crying, Owen put a hand on his shoulder.

Clark stopped for a moment, as if he was tired from the torture. Derek coughed and blood spilled from his lips, Gary pulled him upright by the collar of his shirt. He pushed him against the gas pump and yelled something close to his face, Derek was almost unconscious and didn't respond. When he didn't get the answer he wanted, Clark hit him again and again. Derek's head slumped forward,' Almost to his limit,' Owen grimaced.

Clark threatened Derek with the blade again, it bit into his chest and Derek screamed silently. Mark shook with both rage and grief, his friend threw his head back and a yell emanated from him with every breath. Gary let him fall again, took off his coat and stretched a bit. Impossibly, Derek tried to crawl for the car. Blood now soaked his shirt, which stuck to his body, and splattered the car and ground. He reached for the seat and pulled himself inside, grabbing his jacket he pulled it to him. Gary grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him out of the car, Derek's jacket dropped out of the car and his cell skittered across the ground.

Clark kicked the door shut and yelled something, then turned Derek to face him. His hand closed around Derek's throat and slammed the back of his head against the glass, once. twice. on the third hit it finally broke through. Derek went limp.

Mark gasped and began to openly sob as he watched Derek's head break the glass. Owen moved closer to him and squeezed his shoulder," It's okay, Mark," tears threatened him as well.

"Do I need to stop the...?" Skylar picked up the remote.

"No," Owen ran a hand through his hair," he had to live it, we can at least get something from it."

"Okay," she looked just as disturbed.

Clark pulled Derek from the car and held him upright, still yelling at him. Derek struggled to stand and drunkenly struck at Clark, this only infuriated him further. Gary shoved him, Derek did something amazing. He regained balance and kicked his attacker in the chest, then turned and tried to run. Panic shone on his features as he faced the camera, Richard drew in a hissed breath as Clark recovered and kicked his leg beneath him.

Owen grunted as he imagined the sound that came with the break, Derek looked confused as he fell. Once on the ground he tried to stand again and the pain hit, his mouth formed a scream that Owen was glad he didn't hear. Clark walked around him, his foot caught Derek's jaw. Derek's body limply hit the gas pump, Clark knelt next to him and pulled the knife again. He grasped Derek's hair and jerked his head up, Derek's face was now covered in blood. His eye was almost swollen shut and Gary was at just the right position to let the camera drink in every gory detail. He held the blade in the light in front of Derek's face and ran it over his forehead, Derek struggled. Clark stabbed him again, Derek's arm jerked as his shoulder gushed blood. His right arm moved quickly, what appeared to be a broken beer bottle in his had, cut into Clark.

Mark was on the edge of his chair, Owen had his shoulder gripped tightly. Clark rocked back onto his heels and it was his turn to scream, he fell against Derek's Porsche'. Once he'd recovered, he put the switchblade to Derek's stomach. Derek's eyes clenched shut as he slowly inched the metal into him. Clark pulled a bandana from his pocket and tied off his arm where Derek had cut him, leaving the knife in place. Derek gripped the handle and Mark saw him contemplate the consequences," No," he whispered as Derek pulled the knife from his torso.

Clark turned just as Derek struck, the blade sunk into his stomach and he fell into the car. He'd had enough, Gary stumbled to his feet and out of the camera's view. Derek cradled his arm in his lap and searched the ground for his cell, he reached and collapsed onto his stomach. He lay in a growing pool of blood, his body convulsed one last time and was still.

"The tech fast forwarded through the next five hours," the only hint of the tape's speed change was the sun creeping towards Derek's car and then up to his legs. The speed slowed as a man pulled into the gas station on the other side of him, he rushed to his side and pulled out his phone. A woman was with him, she covered her mouth and her purse hit the ground. The next few minutes, the man knelt next to Derek and held his hand. Talking to him and visibly freaking out.

Lights from the ambulance flickered, paramedics rolled Derek onto his back gently. Mark saw one of them gasp.

"I think that's enough," Skylar clicked the pause button," some places where the tape was compromised have been edited, you probly saw the video jump a bit in those places," she tried to keep her voice even and dried her eyes," This is what's gonna nail him."

Owen didn't know what to say, he hadn't noticed the jumps Ms. Breaux mentioned. His gaze was focused on the lifeless Derek on the screen. He blinked and wiped his face on his sleeve," Th-thanks Ms. Breaux," he choked on her name.

"I'm sorry you had to watch that," she took the DVD out of the player and put it back in its sleeve," Did you get anything useful?"

"Yeah, I know how his leg's broken now," Owen cleared his throat and tried to be clinical," I can focus therapy on his more severe injuries and I know which are most likely to get infected."

"Good, I'm going back to my office and making some phone calls," she gathered her papers and put them back into her briefcase," I'll keep you updated, especially when we catch this bastard."

"May I have a word, Ms. Breaux," Richard found his voice finally.

"Certainly Dr. Webber," she followed him out of the room.

Mark buried his head in his hands, his body shook as he cried," Mark," Owen put an arm around him. Mark turned his back, embarrassed," Don't feel like you can't let this out," he pushed a box of tissues to him.

"Derek..." Mark blew his nose into a tissue," should be dead after all of that."

"Amazingly, he's not," Owen wiped his own nose.

Derek's back arched as he started to wake up, Yang knew the look. She grabbed a basin and helped sit him up, she put an arm beneath his back and cradled his head into her shoulder as he threw up. He grabbed the side of her shirt and held her to him as his stomach wretched, he trembled when it was over," M-Merrrrdth..."

"No, honey," she helped him lay back down," It's Yang," she tied up the trash bag from the basin and threw it away.

"Yang?"

"Yeah," she sat beside him and wiped his lips," Meredith is sleeping the drugs off on the couch," she put a straw to his lips, he sucked in the mouthwash and water mix and spat it back.

"D-Demorol..." he panted.

"I can't..."

"M-Morphine..." his eyes pleaded with her.

"Derek, I can't give you anything else," she tossed the cloth in a linen crate," I wish I could."

"Hurts," he blinked," like r-right-after surgery."

"I'm sorry," she wet a new washcloth in the sink," I can try this," she patted his face and neck. He shook his head and grit his teeth, Yang folded it and put it behind his neck," That might help the nausea," she pulled the blanket from his leg, he gasped," Relax," she looked him in the eye," trust me, Derek."

He swallowed,' I know Yang's trying to help,' his breath hitched as pain twisted his stomach into another knot," Y-Yang..." he hissed.

"Give it a minute," she massaged the top of his thigh, he lay his head back and bit his lip," bear with me here, I can make the nerves go numb for awhile."

'Of course,' he mentally kicked himself,' there's a major nerve line that runs down through my leg. It might help a bit,' he gripped the blankets and tried his best to tolerate Christina's touch. Delirious with pain, he waved for her to stop," Please," he breathed," I'm-gonna pass out."

"Okay, I'm sorry I couldn't..." she stopped and replaced the blanket.

"Y-you tried," he tried to smile at her," Thanks."

"I had to try something," she leaned against the mattress next to him," I can't stand seeing both of you hurting."

"Hmmm?"

"Owen's flashbacks have returned," she sighed," I sedated him earlier so he could sleep. Then screwed his brains out and he seemed okay."

"Yang, I'm sorry," he put his hand on hers.

"It's okay, McDreamy," she rested her cheek on his shoulder," We're broken aren't we?"

"Yeah," he did his best to relax his muscles, which wasn't easy.

"I shouldn't be putting this on you," she glanced at Meredith.

"You're fine," he felt a pins and needles ache settle into his knee,' Better than agony,' he'd accept any improvement at this point.

"And you're not," she sighed.

"No, I'm not," he rested his chin on her head," I know how Owen feels now, it's not good."

Mark steadied himself on the table and vomited into a trash bin, Owen did his best to console him. Mark panted heavily and looked up after he was sure it was over, Owen handed him some gauze to wipe his mouth. The room spun and suddenly nothing was right, images of Derek being attack plagued his mind," You okay?" Owen's presence was comforting, he shook his head.

"I wanna kill that bastard," he found his voice.

"I know," Owen balled his fist up," Me too."

"We should go check on Derek," Mark shoved his emotions aside.

"Agreed," Owen tied up the trash bag and tossed it on the way out.

Mark was the first one out," I'm stopping by the locker room to clean up first."

"Okay, take your time, I'll page you if I need you," Owen held up his pager as they parted ways.

Once in the locker room, Mark was thankful he was alone. He pulled a fresh pair of scrubs from his locker, and a plastic bag with his soap, toothbrush, and other essentials inside. He turned the water on in the shower stall and brushed his teeth in the sink while it warmed. He stared at his reflection, age showed in his face. He rinsed his mouth and spit into the sink. The water was steaming, just how he liked it. He leaned against the wall outside as he took off his watch and tennis shoes. He pulled the neck of his scrub shirt out and was about to pull it over his head.

"I can help you with that, you know," a familiar voice startled him.

"Lexi?"

"Hello handsome," she stalked out from behind a nearby locker, damn she was sexy.

"I didn't know you were..." her lips pressed to his, interrupting him. He hesitated at first, images from the video Skylar had shown them flashed in his head. She stood on her toes to pull his shirt from his body, then stepped back and discarded her own," Lexi," he breathed her name.

She smiled devilishly and pulled the string on his pants, dropping it nonchalantly. He smiled weakly, trying to forget what he'd just seen. Lexi shed her pants and tossed them in the basket with his shirt, she turned and put her hands behind her back and looked over her shoulder at him smugly," Dr. Sloan," she unhooked the straps and let her bra fall to the floor," I have a problem..." her hips swaying as she walked towards him.

"Really now?" he raised an eyebrow," I'm going to have one if you keep this up."

She turned and grabbed the waistband of his pants, "Yeah, that's the idea," she continued. He drew in a sharp breath as she kissed from his chest to his stomach and lower as she rid him of his clothes. She smiled into him and nipped lightly, he ran a hand through her hair expecting her to stand up and kiss him again.

Lexi had other ideas, she pushed him into the shower stall and closed the door behind them with her foot. His back touched the wall and her mouth was on him, he threw his head back and groaned at the sudden intensity. The past hour and a half melted away and all he could think about was her, this beautiful goddess of a woman who loved him. Even as fucked up as he was, she loved him through it all. She snaked up his body and her mouth was on his, he tangled his hands in her hair and devoured her in his kiss," I love you," he breathed, his voice deepened into that certain tone that made her melt.

"Love you too, Mark," she pressed her body against his and wrapped a leg around his waist," Now about that problem..."

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Naughty lil tidbit of Lexi/Mark for you guys, if you've kept up with the current Grey's episodes this might touch your heart and give you what you need to fill that void. Come on fans, review and let me know how you're liking this :)


	33. Crazy Thing Called Love

Sorry for the long wait, had final exams and a lot of stuff going on, hope this chapter is worth it! I haven't given up so no worries :)

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Chapter 33: Crazy Thing Called Love

Meredith sat on Derek's side, he shifted restlessly. Getting out of bed was a giant success, but had left him exhausted and in pain. He nuzzled her nose despite feeling weak as a newborn puppy, she kissed his lips lightly. She breathed him in,' He's starting to smell like himself again,' she smiled and a thousand scenarios of speeding up the process went through her brain.

"What?" he smiled despite his aching leg.

"Just thinking," she slid an arm around his shoulders and held him to her chest.

"About...?" he fished,' Please Meredith, distract me.'

"About the last time I got to kiss you," she paused," I mean really kiss you."

"Good memory?"

"All of my memories with you are good ones," she kissed his hair.

"I work hard for that," he grit his teeth,' Damn, that one was bad,' he could actually see his leg jump beneath the blankets as his muscles spasmed.

"Still hurt?" she trailed her fingers down his arm.

"Never stopped," her heart sank.

"Where's Cristina?" he looked around the room.

"Went to get breakfast," Meredith glanced at the clock lazily.

There was a knock on the door," Come in," Meredith called.

"Hey," Owen stepped inside," It's almost midnight."

"I didn't think it'd ever come," Meredith kissed Derek's cheek.

"Hmmm?" he writhed as his leg sent another wave up to his chest.

"I got something to celebrate with," Owen grinned as he pulled a tray in behind him," Nothin' like a midnight cocktail, eh Shepherd?"

"Oh," Meredith felt his shoulders ease a bit.

"I'll move your IV site tomorrow," Hunt pushed the first dose slowly.

"I'm really gonna look like a junkie," Derek's voice was sarcastic, hiding his pain well for once.

"This'll probly put you out," Hunt readied the second syringe," You okay with that?"

"Y-yeah," his facade slipped," Just make it stop."

"You got it," Owen saw his hand twitch as he pushed the Fentanyl, Derek's eyes drifted closed towards the middle of the push. Owen relaxed and finished up with his antibiotics last," Those burn a bit, I save them for last," he turned to Meredith," Okay let's see your stomach."

"What?"

"Your suture sites, or did you forget you had surgery too?" he pulled on a fresh pair of gloves.

"Oh, right," she blushed and pulled her t-shirt up to her bra-line.

"Sit back," Owen sat her down on the couch," bruising is minimal," he peeled the tape away as gently as he could," No infections and they're very small, Mer."

"Yeah, I kinda looked at them a few times," she shrugged," Just a few..."

"Well, keep an eye on them," he put fresh gauze on her and taped it in place," How's he been?" she straightened her shirt.

"It's been hell, his leg hurts so bad and I can't stop it," she started to cry," I wish I could..."

"I know," he let her lean on his shoulder," I wish I could too," his mind went back to the conference room and he cried with her.

Lexi clawed Mark's back as the two of them released, he bit into her shoulder and growled low in his throat. The water cascaded down their bodies as they reveled in the aftermath," Mark..." she whispered in his ear.

"S-sorry baby," he kissed the spot on her shoulder where he'd bitten her.

"Jesus, why?" she giggled," That was amazing."

"Derek's lawyer," he rinsed his hair," she showed us the videotape from the gas station that night."

"Oh...Mark, I'm so sorry," she reached outside the stall and he thought she was leaving.

"Lexi, don't..."

"No way in hell I'm leaving you alone right now," she came back inside with his soap.

"Well that helped," he smiled warmly at her.

"If I'd known..."

"That's why I didn't stop you," Mark looked like he'd won the lottery.

"Glad I can still do that to you," she squirted soap into her hands, Mark turned to grab some for himself. The tension drained from him as her hands slid around his waist and up to his chest," If it'll help we can do it again," she pressed against his back.

"Little Grey..." he breathed.

"Well?" she massaged shampoo into his hair.

"After this, your hands are magical," he knelt to give her better access. She giggled and scratched his neck, he rolled his head beneath her touch. Once she was finished he stood and rinsed the soap from his body, Lexi stood back and took him in.

'All this,' she thought to herself,' and he's mine,' the thought thrilled her.

Miranda nearly ran into Owen as she rounded the corner," S-sorry," she mumbled.

"It's okay," he rubbed his forehead," You here to see Derek?"

"Change IV locations actually, I saw it on his chart and I thought you and Dr. Sloan might need some sleep."

"Yeah, I was on my way to do it before I went home."

"You and Christina okay?"

"Yeah, I just need some more clothes for the both of us, and she's bitching about not having *her* shampoo and conditioner," he rolled his eyes and life almost felt normal.

"I got this, go home," she patted his shoulder.

"Thanks."

"Take her with you and get some sleep, I'll keep a close eye on the two of them," the door opened with a small squeak.

Derek was sprawled across the bed, a small snore escaping his barely parted lips. Miranda closed the door behind her quietly and smiled, there were no wrinkles above his eyes or muscles jumping making his face twist. She tiptoed to the bedside, his hair fell into his eyes where it had been left to dry without his usual hair gel to hold it in place. She set the plastic pack on the table, he stirred slightly and nuzzled back into his pillow.

"Derek?" her voice a whisper, she didn't want to wake him when he looked so peaceful," Derek," she repeated a bit louder as she washed her hands.

"Hmmmm...?" his eyes moved restlessly beneath their lids as he tried to stay asleep.

"It's Miranda," she touched his arm lightly," Dr. Hunt told me you needed your IV site moved again," he turned his head towards her voice but kept his eyes closed," You don't have to wake up if you don't want to, I just wanted you to know I was here."

"Mmmmkay," he shifted to his side and hugged his pillow to his face.

"I need that arm though," she twined her fingers into his and slowly lay it down. He groaned in disapproval but allowed it, she shook her head," Derek, what am I gonna do with you?" she saw his nose twitch as his hair tickled him. Gently she pushed his hair away from his face, he gave her a still-asleep half smile and drifted again.

She peeled the tape away from his forearm and slid the cannula from his vein, watching his face from the corner of her eye all the while. He didn't seem disturbed, so she disposed of the old materials and popped the new packet,' Where can I put this that it'll stay for awhile?' she taped a piece of gauze over the old site. She sat on the bed and reached for his other arm, remembering the mass of bandages that almost completely covered that half of his body she lightly brushed it before she attempted to move it," Can I try in this arm?" he pulled it away from her awkwardly and shook his head,' Those drugs have you so uncoordinated,' she lightly patted him," That's okay, I'll go somewhere else," he nodded and tension eased from his shoulder.

She waited until his breathing went shallow and he was back asleep before taking his hand,' This is my only other option,' she put his hand on her knee and rubbed some topical anesthetic on the back of it. She felt around until she found a vein she was sure she could get, aimed and the needle slid right in. She pulled back and taped it into place," All done," she tussled his hair.

"You're a good stick," he mumbled.

"Thanks," she tossed the garbage into the bin next to her foot," I know the hand is a particularly tender area, and that you're afraid of needles," she smirked at him as he raised an eyebrow," so I got some topical to deaden as much as I could."

"That's why you're a good mom," he rolled onto his back again and stretched. His leg straightened and popped, he grabbed at his thigh and couldn't stifle the yelp.

"Derek," Bailey instinctively reached out to him, he sat up and tried to catch his breath. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and gently pulled him to her," It's okay," he let her hold him like he was sure she held her son after a nightmare. He leaned back and tried to ride out the intense waves that shot up his leg and into his back with as much dignity as his body allowed.

"I-I forgot."

"Just try and relax," Miranda gently rocked him as she did Tuck when he couldn't sleep, slowly she felt tension ease from his body.

"Callie says..."

"Shhhh," she pushed his hair out of his face," try and get back to sleep," Bailey pressed the button on the IV pole and released more Morphine. He didn't protest, instead Derek nestled his head in the crook of her arm and let darkness take him.

Mark held Lexi close to him, the towel covering both their bodies and pressing them together. Her arms around him felt amazing, her breath on his chest seemed to revive him," I love you," he kissed into her hair.

"I love you too, Mark," she ran her fingers up his arms and pulled his face into hers for a kiss, their tongues waltzed together slow and passionate.

A familiar beeping disrupted their kiss, Lexi felt his muscles tense before he left her with the towel," Is it Derek?"

"No, I have to assist on a consult since you're busy with..." she stopped and turned to look at him," No Mark, I didn't mean you're doing anything wrong..."

"I'm sorry for all the extra work this is putting on you and the other..."

"I-I'm happy to work if it means you get to be with your friend," she stuttered over her words," I mean he's like your brother," she pulled her hair back and tied it into a loose knot with a band on her wrist," Don't feel bad for caring about someone, I wish I'd been there with Mer."

Meredith leaned against the awning of the doorway, Derek's head in Bailey's arm. She'd wiped away the tears that threatened as she watched her mother him. He was calm and didn't flinch even though he hated needles,' A surgeon that hates needles,' she mused and rolled her eyes. Bailey sang a lullaby under her breath that Meredith had heard her sing to Tuck, she smiled. His breathing was normal, monitors complacent, no urgency or distress for once. Bailey put her leg on the bed and leaned back, Derek adjusted and snuggled into her.

"Meredith!" Bailey's voice was a squeak, her eyes wide," You scared me," she hissed.

"I didn't want to interrupt," Meredith walked quietly into the room, shutting the door," you're the only other person he's this calm with besides Mark."

"And you."

"Hmmm?" Meredith set a steaming cup on the table.

"Hmmm," Bailey's sarcasm was thick," Have you forgotten that only last week Hunt was over him with an intubation tube ready and you talked him back to life?"

"I don't want him to," Meredith wrung her hands.

"I know, he's gonna live though," Meredith looked up at her, wondering if she was that transparent," I know it looks bad and he's still nowhere near the Derek you know, but he's in there."

"Thanks."

Owen cleaned up after redressing Meredith's stomach, she'd been anxious to get back to Derek with good reason. Flashes of the video still haunted him, he tried to push them to the back of his mind like he had all the other traumas. The horrors he'd seen overseas, the blood, the massacres. He wiped his eyes as the door opened behind him," I'm finished," he ungloved and tied the bag closed," just taking out the trash if you..." he turned, just in time to see something black coming at his face. He moved fast, but it caught his jaw still. Dazed he hit the floor, blood filled his mouth almost instantly.

"Funny," an unfamiliar voice," that's what I'm doing too."

Training kicked in, he closed his eyes briefly and listened for footsteps. He tucked his knees beneath him and threw himself into his attacker, instantly pain shot through him. His body spasmed and went limp,' Move dammit,' a kick to the ribs knocked feeling back into him. He pushed himself onto his hands, a second kick knocked him onto his side. He felt his side give,' Ribs broken,' his vision fuzzed as the figure stood over him.

"Scream and I'll kill you," a man's voice.

When his vision cleared, Hunt realized he was staring down the business end of a gun. He nodded and swallowed," What do you want?"

Meredith rubbed Derek's back, he smiled and stirred slightly beneath her fingers. His skin was warm and inviting, only two bandages on his back," So when do I get to bring him home again?"

"Not anytime soon unless Mark's gonna be there to help you take care of him," Bailey was nothing if not honest, it refreshed Meredith to be around her," he's still in bad shape."

"Mark said he'd come stay with us, I have him a spare bed if he doesn't want the couch," she tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Owen will probly discharge him tomorrow if Mark agrees," Miranda absent-mindedly twirled her fingers through Derek's hair," Provided he continues therapy at home, that means getting him up and making him walk a few steps every few hours."

"I know," Meredith winced at the thought.

Owen recognized the pain, combined with the muscle spasms and inability to move or control any part of his body,' Taser,' his assailant rolled him onto his back.

"What do I want?" the man almost laughed as he pushed his sunglasses up his nose," You're one of the few who've ever asked that," he seemed genuinely amused.

Hunt noticed he was in full police blues,' Explains how he got the gun in here,' he tested his toes inside his shoes, sluggish and still...

"You've had training," Hunt had let his guard down for too long, the man's weight on him suddenly. He jerked and groaned as something stung his neck," so I won't waste any time."

'Did he stab me?' Hunt's mind raced, his hand went to the man's and pushed it off him.

"Too late Major Hunt," the voice was smooth and calm, he got off of Owen's chest and stepped back putting his hands up in mock defense," don't hurt me now."

'How does he know my name? Who is...' he gasped as he saw an empty syringe in the man's hand instead of the pocket knife he'd expected,' God dammit,' he got up quickly and lunged at the attacker.

The man moved out of the way easily and Hunt slammed into a counter, body collapsing onto the floor as the drugs hit," Where's Shepherd?"

Owen's world blurred, he fought the sensation and stood steadying himself on the counter,' So that's what you want,' he waited for another assault," You're not getting him," his speech was slower than he'd have liked.

"All I need to know is which room is his," the man moved in quickly and prepared to backhand Owen.

"No way," Owen blocked on time and threw a punch as hard as he could into the man's gut, his hand stopped fast as it met resistance,' Of course he's wearing a vest...' Owen tried another to his jaw, he felt triumphant as it connected,' If I can make enough noise to alert someone...'

"Enough," the man sounded angry," listen Major, considering your background I pulled up some pretty harsh drugs, I wasn't in the mood to fight you," he shoved the gun into Owen's shoulder," It's silenced, Hunt, so tell me where he is or this'll hurt real bad."

Owen weighted his options, tell this man trying to kill Derek a false room number and get someone else hurt or killed or taking a bullet...again. The drugs hit hard, his body floated, limbs numb, he knew this man had him.

"Nothing?" the man shook his head," there's a suppressor on here that'll make this sound like nothing but a click," he was inches from Owen's face," You sure? This is your last chance before I start hurting you, you'll tell me where he is eventually."


	34. Awake and Alive

Chapter 34: Awake and Alive

His head bounced off the wall, nose broken, eye almost completely swollen closed, lip split open, still the man continued. He'd done his best to fight back, the drugs had almost completely overpowered him. He'd gotten a few good hits in before his body had become unresponsive. Owen swallowed hard, a bead of sweat dripped down the side of his face,' This is seriously going to hurt,' he heard the gun click as it cocked.

"I'm asking nicely," Owen's head spun, he tried to pinpoint details about this man. Something distinctive he could tell the police so they could get this guy and lock him up.

*Click*

At first he didn't feel it, didn't realize what had happened, until he looked down. The pain didn't register, but he could see blood spreading down his chest,' Damn where'd he hit me?' his body was numb.

"Where is he?" the man was persistent.

"Fuck you," Hunt's words were too spaced, he coughed and spat blood in the man's face. The world was a blur, slow motion indicated he'd pass out soon.

"Shit," the man stopped his assault as Hunt's head lolled to the side, chin resting on his chest," You pulled too much..." cellphone conversation from what Hunt could gather," He might be military but he's not invincible!" a pause, the man's gloves squeaked," Fine, regroup but they'll expect me back now...you're a fucking idiot! Let me off this asshole then..."

Owen was vaguely aware that the man standing over him was discussing the means of his demise, his vision swam and his head felt like gravel was crunching in his thoughts,' He thinks I'm down for the count,' Owen fought whatever drugs the man had given him with every ounce of resolve he could. His vision cleared a bit and feeling returned to his legs, the man had his back to him. A mistake he would soon regret, Owen kicked his feet from beneath him. The man fell hard, head cracking loudly on the counter above Hunt's head. The cellphone he had in his hand clattered to the floor, he cursed and pulled his gun again. Owen was ready this time, he grabbed the man's wrist and twisted as hard as he could until he felt it give and heard a satisfying crunch.

He was controlled, he didn't scream like Owen was hoping, instead he bit his lip and grunted. Owen didn't try and stand, ground fighting wasn't easy but it'd have to do. Besides, he wasn't sure he could keep his balance even if he could stand up. His arm felt funny as he connected with the man's jaw," Thought you were dead," the voice had turned into a snarl," I'll fix that," he picked up his gun with his uninjured hand and shoved it into Hunt's chest.

*Click*

Owen rolled onto his side, the bullet missed him. He reached up and pulled the man on top of him.

*Click* *Click* *Click*

'He's out,' Owen felt victorious. He grabbed the man by the throat, he choked for a moment before backhanding Hunt with his good hand. The blow stunned him, his head hit the cabinet and he almost blacked out. The man pointed his gun again and pulled the trigger.

*Click*

He cursed as he realized he was out of bullets, footsteps down the hallway made him visibly nervous,he froze until they passed. He scrambled to his feet and straightened his jacket as he reached the door," I'll be back," he kicked Owen in the face as he tried to get to him," and next time I'll finish you off," he opened the door calmly and closed it behind him as he walked out.

'He's still looking for Derek,' Owen tried to sit up, his body numb and almost unresponsive. He pushed himself onto his elbows and crawled towards the door, the floor felt slick. He dared a glance down and saw it was covered in blood, he tried to stay calm as he dragged himself to his feet. The minutes felt like hours as his hand closed on the handle, he leaned against it for support. It opened too quickly, he felt like he was in slow motion. The floor came to greet him fast, his head spun as he collapsed. He pushed himself, still trying to follow the man in the police costume who'd just attacked him and was now probably searching the floor for Derek.

Mark's arm felt so comforting around her shoulders, like nothing was wrong and the world was inviting and safe. She smiled up at him and nuzzled into his chest playfully, he laughed a bit and tickled her ribs," Wanna pay Derek a visit?" Lexi squirmed away from his fingers.

"Yeah, I was heading there," he held her closer to him," the chief doesn't have you tied up with work?"

"I'm off today, I came in for more hours," she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Nice, I remember when I was in your shoes."

"Old man!" she teased.

"Women like those older men," he teased as he nuzzled into her neck.

"Mark!" she giggled," Stop it!" he persisted.

"You don't really want me to stop," his breath was hot on her neck.

"No, Mark stop!" he heard something in her voice and immediately retreated.

"Lexie what's..." he didn't finish his sentence, Owen had collapsed onto the floor in the doorway of the lab. Blood covered his body and pooled on the floor.

"Owen!" Mark knelt, not caring that blood squished into his scrubs and sneakers," Fuck, please be alive," he felt for a pulse.

Owen was barely aware of someone near him, his vision had faded he felt like he was floating and what he could see was distorted. The drugs made his body burn up like he had a fever but freeze as if his blood was ice in his veins.

He tried to ask who was there, slurred nonsense came from his pale lips. Mark gently turned him over, being careful not to jar his neck in case of spinal injury," Owen, can you hear me?"

Owen's eyelids fluttered, Mark turned to Lexie," Get help," he put his hand on Owen's cheek and rubbed his face to try and rouse him," Stay with us."

"M-Mark..." Owen stirred.

"Don't move," he put his hand on Hunt's chest to try and stop the bleeding.

"Still h-here," Owen drew in a sharp breath and coughed, blood ran from the corner of his mouth.

"I know, we're gonna get you some help," Mark looked around," Who did this?"

"Police," the drugs slurred his tongue and made the walls swim. He had to move, he grabbed Mark's shirt and tried to pull himself up.

"Owen, stop it," Mark tried to hold him still," You're gonna bleed to death," blood ran down his knee and into his sock,' How do you have the strength to move at all?' he thought to himself as blood seeped between his fingers.

The hallway came alive like a beehive turned over, Owen twitched at the sudden commotion. Mark looked behind him, Lexie was running towards them with a team behind her," Move slowly as you can, he's not right," Mark moved his hands and let the nurse pack gauze over Owen's chest," If I'm right he's been drugged."

Owen couldn't keep his eyes open, Mark was picking him up. He tried to focus on what he could feel, his therapist's words coming back to him. His body jolted, he guessed the cart they'd loaded him on had hit a bump in the floor.

Bailey sat with Derek's head still in her lap, gently rubbing his temples. He slept peacefully, occasionally nestling into her touch as his body relaxed.

"He's a light sleeper," Meredith said between bites of her sandwich.

"Yeah, it's been almost an hour and he hasn't hit REM sleep yet," Bailey continued, massaging his neck. Her heart swelled as she worked through the knots," I remember when he first came to Seattle Grace," she mused.

"Me too," Meredith smiled.

"I hated him at first," she laughed," I thought he was an arrogant ass. Then a womanizer when I found out he was involved with you."

"I remember, I didn't see an OR for weeks!" Meredith giggled.

"I went to the medical supply closet to restock a theater and," she worked on his un-bandaged shoulder first," there he was, sitting in a heap on the floor..." she played the memory in her mind as she continued.

==FLASHBACK==

Miranda was in a hurry, she'd been behind due to her new interns' sheer immaturity and was in no mood to be trifled with. She rounded the corner and prayed that none of them killed anyone today, the supply closet door opened silently. She stepped in absent-mindedly letting the door swing shut behind her,' I need four by fours and some more tape,' she checked items off on her mental list,' I can't forget the suture kits,' as the door clicked closed and the room grew quiet she noticed heavy breathing coming from the next aisle.

"Seriously?!" she let her frustration show in her tone," On-call rooms, the pit, bathrooms, can you people find somewhere else to get busy other than..." her voice trailed off as she saw Derek sitting in the corner alone. He looked up at her wild-eyed, embarrassed and panicked.

"D-doctor Bailey," his breathing was uneven, his cheeks flushed.

"Doctor Shepherd?" she walked slowly towards him," Are you okay?"

"I..." he cleared his throat and tried to catch his breath," I'm fine," he stood and tried to get past her.

"Do *not* let anyone see you like this," she put a hand on his chest and pushed him back," All bent out of shape, you're the new surgeon on the floor. What's the matter with you?"

"Noth..."

"If you try to tell me nothing I will beat you," she wagged her finger in a very surprised Shepherd's face.

She watched him try to regain his composure as he turned away from her, his breathing still awkward and almost labored," Today, a long time ago," he almost choked on his words," someone I love was...killed. My father was..." he ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the metal shelving," Please just go..."

Her heart went out, she put her hand on his shoulder as he fell to his knees. Bailey pulled him backwards into her," Panic attacks aren't fun, I can't have the head of neurosurgery falling apart his first week here," she put her arm around him, he tensed and his breath hitched," Relax, I'm only the 'Nazi' for the interns," she opened a packet of gauze four by fours and handed it to him. He kicked his legs from beneath him and dried his face," Lay back and breathe," he let his head rest on her knees and closed his eyes.

Once his breathing was under control he opened his eyes and looked up at her, she smiled," All right, son," she emphasized the word," stay here until you feel better."

"Thanks Doctor Bai-"

"Miranda," she cut him off, he grinned and reminded her of a child being praised.

"Derek."

==END FLASHBACK==

"He never told me about that," Meredith threw away her napkin.

"She's been good at keeping secrets until now," Derek grinned the same kind of grin Bailey had seen that day in the supply room.

"You're back," Meredith teased as she finished her soda.

"Never really left," he readjusted his position on Bailey's leg," drugs can only sedate me for so long," He looked back at Bailey," Been like momma hen ever since then hmmm?"

"Well you needed it," she mocked scolding him, the two shared a snicker. Bailey's pager went off interrupting them," Apparently there's an emergency in OR three, I'll be back later," she patted Derek's forehead," Take care of her," she gestured to Meredith as she got up.

"I will," he sat up on his own without thinking, slightly uncomfortable but not unbearable. He touched his chest tenderly out of instinct.

"Does it hurt?" Meredith tried not to hover.

"Not bad," Derek smiled at her," So when we getting outta here?"

Mark couldn't remember the last time he'd gloved that fast, the irony was almost unbearable. This was the same theater they'd operated on Derek in and Owen was fading fast," Owen, can you hear me?!" Mark shined a pen light in his eyes.

Owen's eyes flinched at the sudden stimulation, good sign so far," Page Bailey," he wasn't sure which team member he was talking to but he hoped one of the moved and fast.

"His BP's stabilizing, pulse is regulating too,"Lexie was cutting through his scrubs, Mark had almost forgotten she was there.

"Good, is there an exit on that GSW?" he picked Owen's shoulder up so she could see.

"No exit, I'll grab some forceps," she was amazingly calm, Mark took a deep breath.

"Do we have an anesthesiologist in here?" Mark looked around.

"Calm down, Mark," Lexie spoke softly," he's behind you," she pulled the gauze from Owen's chest, blood seeped from the wound," Owen can you feel this?" she put a slight amount of pressure around the area.

"Did I...get shot?" Owen was fighting whatever drugs they'd given him, and winning. His speech was a little off and his body was shaky but his thoughts seemed almost clear.

"Yeah, can you feel that?"

He could feel that, it hurt like hell," N-no," he shook his head and grit his teeth.

"Okay good, Mark I'm pulling out the bullet," she put a rib splitter into the wound to open it and carefully felt around for the slug with her fingertips," Found it," she followed her finger with forceps and gripped the metal. Owen breathed a sigh of relief as he felt some of the pressure ease in his side.

"Work on his chest until Bailey gets here," Mark sprayed a surgical cloth with saline and began wiping the blood off of Hunt's face," I'm sticking with what I'm good at," he palpated Owen's cheek.

"Ow," he winced.

"Your mandible's cracked on your right side," Mark continued," Sorry I'm sure this doesn't feel good."

"I'm okay," it was all he could do to keep the drugs at bay.

"Don't fucking lie to me," Mark picked up a suturing needle with forceps," Do you want a local for this?" he held his hand where Owen could see it.

"H-how bad is it?" Owen's eyes closed briefly.

"I don't want you moving, you'll need about fourteen sutures and I take my time," Owen's lip twitched," I don't leave scars."

"I got a stat page?" Bailey came in fully gowned," This better be..." her voice trailed.

"B-Bailey?" Owen picked his head up, he stole a glance down at his torso and felt sick.

"Lay still dammit," Lexie had the first joint of two fingers in his chest.

"What we got?" Bailey turned all business.

"Ribs on right lower side are broken, I'm working on getting fragments out right now," Lexie withdrew her fingers, between them a small shard of bone.

"Do we have another trauma surgeon on staff?"

"I was it for today," Owen's vision started to fade out, his lips were pale.

"Lexie hang some blood and push some Epi, let's keep him here," Bailey pulled a light closer.

"Gotcha."

"Mark, do we have head trauma?"

"Yes but not severe," Mark laid out a few small syringes," I'll take him for a CT after you're finished."

"I want a full neuro workup or Shepherd will have a fit..."

'Shepherd,' Owen's eyes flew open, he jerked and tried to sit up.

"Lay still, I have a needle inches from your face," Sloan pulled his hands back.

"He's l-looking for Shepherd!" Owen stammered, he couldn't believe he hadn't said anything sooner. Through his haze and the feeling his body was floating his thoughts jumbled somewhere in between.

"I called security on the way here," Lexie pushed him back on the table," You told us he was dressed in police blues, so we called the guys in black," Lexie winked at him.

"W-what?"

"She's being funny," Mark started to worry," they know he's impersonating an officer, just relax."

"Mmmkay," Owen's eyes rolled upwards and his head went slack in Sloans hands.

Meredith and Christina sat on the couch in Derek's room, the two of them going over a wedding magazine. Christina was actually interested, a surprise to both Derek and Meredith, because she and Owen were now engaged and apparently Owen wanted a wedding.

"I don't want this too big, I like this one," Meredith pointed at a gown on the page.

"That thing would make your ass look huge!" Christina ribbed her and laughed.

"You two..." Derek rolled his eyes and shared their laugh.

Meredith gazed at him, mesmerized at his smile,' He's back,' she couldn't take her eyes off him. She shook her head before her mind wandered into naughty places as it usually did when he was around,' back to the magazine,' she told herself.

Christina continued pointing at different pictures and putting sticky notes on them for their now dual wedding. Derek pulled his left knee to his chest,' Exactly how much better is this getting?' he tested his toes on his right foot, no pain. He glanced at the IV pole's monitor,' Let's be sure I'm not stoned,' the thought amused him. He flexed his right leg, uncomfortable and slightly painful but doable. The girls didn't notice his moving, he turned away from them and let his feet fall off the edge of the bed. He winced as his knee bent,' That still hurts,' he bit his lip and put weight on his feet.

Pain shot up into his side, he bit his lip to keep from yelling. His knuckles white on the bedrail, he straightened his back and reached for the walker.

Meredith suddenly noticed Derek had moved, she poked Christina and pointed at him. Obvious discomfort showed as his hand shook, he caught his breath and took a step. Meredith started to get up, Christina held her back and shook her head.

Derek remained standing for a few seconds before he tired, he reached behind him and felt for the bed," Derek..."

"I'm okay," he sounded out of breath.

"You just..."

"I'm going home today," he rand a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, we'd planned on that in a few days," Meredith crawled onto the bed behind him.

"It didn't hurt as badly as usual," he leaned into her as she wrapped her arms around him.

"You're on an insane amount of Morphine," she snickered," it's what put you in such a good mood."

"That explains a lot," he nuzzled into her cheek," Momma Bailey sneaked it in when she replaced my IV didn't she?"

"Your tolerance increased and you were hurting," Meredith snuggled into him," I can't let you hurt anymore."

"I wonder what Bailey's got," Christina interjected," hope it's something good."

Bailey was usually excited when she got to operate using the 'Da Vinci', today was completely different. Da Vinci had lost his thrill as she snaked the laproscope in and out of Hunt's ribs checking for tears in his lung," His ribs are broken, it's a mess in here," she took a breath.

"I'm almost finished with the laceration to his forehead," Mark spoke calmly," He's gonna be okay right?"

"Derek lived..."

"Yeah," Mark checked over his sutures carefully before tying the last one off.

"I'm not seeing any bleeds in his lungs," Bailey withdrew from his chest," nothing we can do about the broken ribs, they're hairline fractured so they'll heal on their own. Painfully," she motioned Mark closer," but they'll heal, Doctor Sloan close him up," she rolled Da Vinci against the wall.

"Run a tox screen," Mark turned to Lexi," he said he was drugged like Derek."

"Okay, I'll run the lab myself," she started filling small vials with blood samples.

"Send him for a shotgun on neuro, like I said I don't want Shepherd to freak out," Bailey pulled her first layer of gloves off and started counting supplies," and no one tells him or anyone else until Doctor Hunt stabilizes."

"Yang?" Mark looked up.

"Lexi," Bailey grabbed her sleeve," go get Doctor Yang but be discreet, tell her I need her help in surgery. I'll bring her to recovery to see him from here."

"Okay, I'll put in labs first to see what we're up against," Lexie nodded and rushed out of the room.

Owen's body had completely given out on him, he'd recognized that it was going into shock right before Sloan started suturing his forehead and cheek. He drifted in and out of consciousness and awareness, into and out of reality and the world of memories from overseas.

==FLASHBACK==

Owen thew his head back and laughed, his arm slung around Teddy as they shared a drink," Happy birthday!" he kissed her cheek drunkenly.

"Thank you Major," she toasted her bottle of Tequila to his Jack Daniels and they both took a swallow," I wish they'd have given us bigger bottles," she giggled.

"These are kind of small," he propped his feet on the table and examined his bottle.

"Well how old are you?" Dane asked from across the room on an adjacent couch.

"A lady never tells," she took another gulp," I'm twenty-six," she snorted as she laughed.

"And I'm a Sergeant," Hunt snickered," don't push it guys, she'll hurt ya," he made a gun with his fingers and shot at Dane.

"Oh no!" Dane clutched his chest and fell over," I think I need mouth to mouth Teddy!"

"You asshole," she sent him a mocking glare.

"I say we get some chow, watch some reruns, and hit the sack," Hunt put the cap on his bottle and set it on the table.

"I say that sounds pretty..." Teddy was interrupted by the loudspeaker in their room.

"Major Hunt and company report to briefing room," the voice distorted from static and bad connection.

"Shit, Hunt, you in trouble again?" Dane slapped him on the shoulder as they headed out.

"Hooah!" Owen hit him back.

The officer stood in front of a large map with pins scattered throughout. Owen sat next to Teddy, he didn't like the look on the man's face," Gentlemen, and lady," the man nodded with respect to Teddy who nodded in return," we have some men in need of a Medevac here," he pointed to a red pin," problem is the enemy is here," he pointed to another pin, not even an inch from the first," Your unit will fly out with the chopper tomorrow and bring these guys back, alive."

"How many are escorting us?" Owen knew it couldn't be that easy.

"Just you and your men, and woman."

"Just us?!" he looked around the room, Dane locked eyes with him.

"Yes sir, you leave at sunrise. I suggest you get some rest."

"Why so few of us?" Owen folded his arms.

"There's a convoy out there, you'll be dropped off and put with them. Your order details are in this," he handed Owen a folder," that's all we know, they said send the best."

"As long as we're back in time for chow huh guys?" Teddy turned to face the other four men in the room.

"Hooah!"

==END FLASHBACK==


	35. Down and Out

Long awaited, hope you're still with me fans :) More coming soon

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Chapter 35: Down and Out

Owen's eyes moved restlessly beneath their lids, Yang stood next to him in tears wringing her hands. Sloan put his arm around her shoulders, for once she welcomed comfort. Even though they'd cleaned him up, Owen's face looked bad. Deep purple bruising around his eye, two deep gashes on his forehead and cheek, his lip busted, he barely looked himself. Sloan had tried to reduce the swelling, but couldn't make him look any better.

"Didn't he fight?" Christina sniffled and wiped her nose with a tissue.

"His knuckles are bloody and one of them was dislocated," Mark squeezed her arm gently," whoever he hit is seriously hurting."

"Let me see his chart," Yang held out her hand.

"He's on a similar mixture to whatever Derek was given," Lexie came in with a clipboard," His workup came back negative for any truly damaging head trauma, just looks bad."

"What kind of drugs?" Bailey reviewed the list with Yang over her shoulder.

"They refined the mixture," Lexie recalled the list they'd gotten of possible drugs Derek could have been given," This time it's a mixture of both immediate and time-released drugs..."

"So the cocktail might not have fully hit," a chill ran up Mark's spine, he felt Christina go slack in his grip.

"So how do we...? Can we use Narcan?" Yang scratched her head.

"Not sure it'd work on all these..." Lexie flipped the pages and shook her head.

Owen's hand twitched as he stirred, Christina held her breath as he groaned," He's waking up," she grabbed Mark's sleeve.

His breathing increased as his senses returned, he grit his teeth as a wave of nausea hit. Breathing was difficult and it hurt, Owen tried to force himself back into the real world.

==FLASHBACK==

Cool rag on the back of his neck, another on his forehead, someone talking softly to him. Owen opened his eyes and tried to focus them on the face above him. Her hair gave her away, Teddy cradled his head in her lap," Owen?" she ran her fingers down his cheek.

"W-where am I?" he slurred his words together, his tongue felt like lead between his teeth.

"On base," her touch was cool, his body burned.

"What..." speaking required effort.

"You got hit," she sniffled," you passed out on the way here."

He swallowed,' I'm dying,' he coughed and immediately wished he hadn't, his lung practically exploded in his chest,' She's here to say goodbye,' the realization sent a hard lump of fear into his gut.

"You got sick after you woke up," she re-wet the cloth in a bowl on the table next to her and wrung it out," I didn't have any antibiotics left, it got infected and...I'm sorry."

"Y'did good," he locked eyes with her.

"Owen, you're gonna be okay," she put the cloth on his forehead.

"Don't lie."

"I'm not," she popped the needle off a syringe and filled it with water," drink," she dripped water into his mouth, he swallowed," Don't you die on me Owen Hunt."

"Hooah..." he smiled and his world faded to black.

==END FLASHBACK==

Christina knew better, her hands shoved deep into her pockets so she wouldn't touch him. It was torturous not being able to reach out and hold him, she bit her lip. His eyes opened slowly, unfocused he tried sitting up," T-teddy?" he licked his lips," 'still on base?" Christina could have cried if she thought she was allowed.

'He thinks he's still in Iraq,' she took a deep breath. Owen flexed his arms and pulled himself up on the bed, he looked weak but Christina knew if she touched him he could flash back to the war and hurt her not meaning to.

==FLASHBACK==

She couldn't breathe, her eyes flew open. She was confused, Owen was on top of her. His eyes were cold and unfocused, hands around her throat squeezing. Mumbling something in another language he had her pinned. She pulled at his fingers and clawed down his arms, to no avail he was strong. She grabbed at something on the nightstand, anything to hit him with to make him let go.

"Everything okay?" Callie's voice through the door," Christina! Owen!" Callie's scream echoed in the room, her eyes wide and just as terrified as Christina's.

Owen let go of her immediately and fell onto the floor, he sat up and looked at his hands as if they were foreign to his body and he'd never seen them before. Tears streamed down his face, she ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. She slid down the wall and held her throat, trying to make sense of the last few minutes. Time sped up as a knock on the door jerked her back down to earth," Christina it's me."

She stood up and went to the door, unlocking it," What's going on? Owen's out there upset, Callie's screaming..."

"The usual accuity, no petechiae, I'm fine," she turned to face her friend.

"Oh my God your neck! I will kill him!" Meredith's words felt hollow.

"It was a nightmare, he had a nightmare..."

"Christina please, is she all right Meredith? I just need to know that she's all right," Owen's voice at the door, broken and small.

Christina opened the door despite Meredith trying to hold her back," It's okay," she reached for him.

"I'm sorry," his face wrought with guilt," I would never..."

"You had a nightmare," she embraced him," It's okay," the two stood holding each other for a moment.

"I'm going back to bed," Callie motioned for Meredith to follow.

Once alone, Christina lead Owen back to bed," You're okay," she whispered in his ear.

"They're getting worse," he let her hold him as he lay back into her chest.

"It's okay," she ran her fingers through his hair," everything's gonna be okay."

==END FLASHBACK==

Owen turned and spoke something in a language no one in the room understood, his hands groped for something unseen. Bailey moved towards him, Christina grabbed her arm and pulled her back," His flashbacks have turned violent on occasion," Bailey nodded.

"I'll leave you to with him," she turned on her heel," besides I need to stay with Derek now that our star trauma surgeon is injured."

"Thanks," Mark hugged Bailey briefly before she left, he then turned back to Christina," I can go if you..."

"No, you'll be something familiar," she took Mark's hand," I need you here."

"Okay then," Mark squeezed her fingers gently, he saw a change in the confident and no-nonsense Christina. For once she was really scared, truly concerned.

Owen grit his teeth and spoke more in the unknown language, suddenly his eyes flew open. His body jolted and he shoved himself into a kneeling position so quickly Christina and Mark didn't quite know how he'd done it. He gasped and clutched at his chest, Mark caught him before he fell.

"Relax," Mark helped him lay back down.

"W-where am I?" his eyes darted around the room," C-Christina?"

"I'm here," she sat beside him and took his hand," You're at the hospital."

Realization suddenly hit, he tried to sit up again," Derek?" he winced visibly.

"Security is with him, he's okay," Mark put a hand on his shoulder and held him firmly to the bed," If you don't stop moving like that you'll tear through those sutures and recovery will be months instead of a few weeks."

"W-what?" Owen looked confused, he pulled the gown away from his chest," I got shot," it was more a question.

"Yeah, you did," Christina took his hand," but you're okay."

"I'm okay," he relaxed a bit," What am I on?" he glanced at the IV pole.

"Fluids and a few other mixed meds," Christina petted his forehead.

"Like what?"

"Like be glad you're not hurting and shutup," there was the Christina he was used to, harsh with the best of intentions.

"He shot me," it was more a question than a statement.

"Yeah," Christina took his hand again.

The room swirled and moved, Christina didn't look like Christina, and for some reason he felt the need to tell her so. He bit his tongue instead and tried to stop the nausea. His stomach wretched, he grit his teeth,' Fuck that,' he closed his eyes.

"You okay?" Mark's voice sounded so far away and like he was underwater.

He shook his head and sat up slowly this time, he tried to speak and coughed instead. Blood trickled from his lips, he caught it with his hand. Mark held a basin beneath his chin.

"Normal," he put a hand on Owen's shoulder," Derek's just stopped coughing blood recently and he didn't get shot."

Owen grabbed Christina's thigh and held on tightly as he threw up,' I'm not sure which is worse, getting shot or the aftermath,' he felt a cold chill run down his spine as the flashback hit.

==FLASHBACK==

The impact almost didn't effect him, he charged at the man with a growl that didn't sound like it came from him. The room was cleared until that bastard came in through the window, the bullet had gone through the neck of the man in front of him and stopped in his chest. Owen pulled his gun to his hip and fired, the assailant's body jerked as he fell first to his knees and then the ground.

Owen had kept going through the house until it was declared safe and a perimeter secured. He worked on the guy who got hit until his vision blurred,' Don't give out now,' he told his body,' not until I fix this kid,' he sutured the wound closed.

"Good job Private," his commander admired his work, Owen's body felt light," you might just get that promotion," he clapped him on the back and Owen dropped.

"Private?!" the man dropped to his knees, Owen could see his mouth moving but couldn't make out anything he was saying. He fought to stay awake but felt his world shrinking.

==END FLASHBACK==

Christina's pant leg was smudged with blood from Owen's hand, she put her hand on his back and helped him settle back onto the sheets," Christina..." he held onto her as tightly as the drugs would allow, as if he'd never see her again.

His head throbbed, every little noise sounded amplified. Christina's hand felt cool and comforting to him, he closed his eyes and tried to ignore the nausea," D-derek..."

"When you're feeling better I'll..."

"'need to...make sure," Owen spoke between breaths," he's okay..."

"I'm taking his case for now," Mark signed off on Owen's chart," and yours for that matter, I'll make sure he's all right. Do you want me to tell him...?" Mark let his question linger.

"He's going to find out soon enough when he sees police coming into his room or standing outside of it," Christina stroked Owen's cheek as he lost consciousness," yeah, tell Meredith I'm okay though."

Meredith held her breath as the doorknob turned and Derek stepped out of the bathroom. She tried to keep her eyes on the magazine she and Christina had been marking up like a bad plastic surgery case. Derek was breathing heavily, a bead of sweat dripped down his face," Meredith," his voice betrayed him.

Meredith dropped her magazine," You okay?"

"My shoulder feels like it's gonna give," he concentrated on each step as she helped him balance. He sank back onto the bed, panting and regretting the trip. Never the less it was a victory, even if it was a painful one.

"Do you need more...?" Meredith gripped the already stiff cushion of the hospital's couch.

"A little," he nodded.

"Meredith? Derek?" Mark stepped into the room, the door closed with a click.

"Come on in, Mark," Meredith settled in next to Derek and put her arm around his shoulders.

"Christina told me to tell you," Mark waited until Meredith pushed the new round of drugs before continuing," Owen was attacked in the lab."

"What?!" Meredith almost didn't comprehend what she'd just heard.

"Is he all right?" Derek sat up, cradling his arm.

"He's gonna be fine," Mark wrung his hands in his pockets, a gesture Derek knew all to well," He's in the intensive care unit for now, he was given a round of drugs much like the ones Clark used on you. He's in and out and a bit roughed up," Mark tried to make the wounds sound minor so Derek wouldn't worry.

Derek pushed the blanket off him, Meredith put a hand on his back," What're you doing?"

"Going to see Owen," he said matter-of-factly, like anything else was absolutely unreasonable.

"Derek I really don't want him to have any..."

"He saved my life," Derek felt the drugs hit," You're leaving things out, trying not to make me worry."

"Okay," Meredith grabbed a pair of sweats and a fresh T-shirt out of the duffel bag.

"Meredith...?" Mark looked shocked.

"No use in trying to stop him," she kissed Derek's forehead," easy with that one," she helped him ease his legs into his pants.

"Okay then," Mark didn't think this visit would end well, but there was obviously no stopping them.

Owen still tasted blood in his mouth, his lips were dry and felt foreign but his tongue was too heavy to sate them. He tried to shake his head to clear it and realized his movements were slow and his eyes still closed. Christina's hand felt warm in his, her voice soft and gentle. He opened his eyes slowly, vision hazy he tried to reposition. A groan escaped his dry lips as pain stabbed his chest,' Oh yeah,' he thought,' I got shot,' he squirmed and couldn't seem to get comfortable.

"The bullet was easy to remove," Christina was telling him," You should be back on your feet soon,' her voice wrought with emotion.

"Mmmph," his stomach felt queasy.

There was a disturbance as more people came in, the air felt disturbed as if he could feel every vibration. He gazed in the direction of the voices but couldn't make out the faces to match them just yet.

Christina moved, her hand went slack like she was letting go. Panicked, he grabbed for her rather uncoordinatedly," I'm not leaving," she reassured him and squeezed his fingers.

"D-don't..." truth was he was terrified, he couldn't see straight and what he could see didn't make any sense. His speech was slurred and almost unrecognizable and his body wouldn't respond to him," Derek's here."

Derek looked understandably at Owen, there was a mass of bandages and IV lines or more running beneath the blankets,' Is that how I looked to Meredith?' the thought bothered him.

Upon hearing his name, Owen tried to sit up," Owen, I'm okay," Derek sat next to him with Mark's help, he felt the meds were making him weak again," Thanks to you anyway."

Owen's eyes found his and the two exchanged a look of understanding, the usual rough Major Hunt was pale and sweating like the junkie people had accused Derek of being only weeks before.

"The police are getting..." Mark started.

"They can wait," Derek's voice was a bit more harsh than he'd have liked, Mark brushed it off," Can I talk to him for a few minutes before the vultures come in?"

"Owen?" Christina let up on her grip of his hand, Owen nodded.

"We'll be back in a few minutes, I'll keep the police busy," Mark rubbed the back of his neck," After all Lexie and I found him."

Derek ran a hand through his hair," Owen, I'm so sorry," tears streamed down his face.

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Emotions are running high! Writing next chapter now! love my fans


	36. Strength in Numbers

Been working a lot, but I hope I didn't disappoint :)

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Chapter 36: Strength in Numbers

"Nnnno," Owen shook his head slowly," D-Derek."

"Owen, he could have killed you," Derek grit his teeth," Do you want me to call your family?"

"Nnno, mm'fine..." his words were slurred," you undershhtand. I-I don't want them," he took a breath as he rode out a wave of muscle spasms," seeing me, or getting hurt. Mmm'kay really..."

"Dammit Owen," Derek put a hand on his.

"Y'should be r-sting..." Owen's head hurt, thinking was difficult with all the drugs racing through his system. Nausea kicked up, he closed his eyes and tried to force it away.

"D'you need Mark?"

Owen didn't dare try and speak for fear he'd vomit, he nodded slowly. Derek put weight on his good leg and gingerly made his way to his wheelchair,' Both of us must look rather pitiful,' he rolled to the door.

"Everything okay?" Meredith put her hand on his neck.

"He's still hurting, Mark can you get him something?"

"Yeah," Mark slid past Derek and into the room.

Owen felt a bead of sweat roll down his back, his body freezing and shivering. He wasn't hallucinating anymore, but the havoc of whatever drugs he'd been given wasn't quite finished with him yet. Mark flipped through his chart scanning for anything he could possibly give him without making things worse," Still hurting?" Mark was tired and it showed on his face. When Owen nodded his shoulders dropped, he hated seeing people in pain.

Owen tried to stifle the cough, spit trailed his lips,' Now I know how Derek felt,' he thought miserably,' I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy,' his stomach turned,' Not again...'

Mark's arm was suddenly behind his shoulders as he heaved into something in front of him. His chest screamed as his stomach emptied, tears escaped his eyes when it was finally over. Mark laid him back and wiped his face," I know that can't be fun."

A choked sound came from Owen as he tried to regulate and catch his breath, he shook his head.

"This might help," Mark drew up something that Owen couldn't read the label on," Just like we told Derek, relax and let this work."

Owen didn't think he had anything in him to combat the drugs, his eyes rolled up and he fell into merciful sleep. Mark disposed of the syringe and sat next to him. He sighed heavily and wiped sweat from Owen's neck and what part of his chest that was exposed.

"The police still want that statement," Mark hadn't noticed Meredith and Derek had come back in.

"I sedated him, they'll have to come back," Mark rubbed between his eyes.

"I'll tell them," Meredith's shoes squeaked against the tile.

"Is that what I looked like?" Derek looked at Owen, lying prostrate but silent.

"Believe it or not, you looked worse," Mark checked the IV site and set the machine for more morphine," We need to get you two out of here."

"Home sounds good right about..."

"No, they know where you live. I meant to another hospital, I'll go with you and so will Meredith because I doubt I can keep her or Christina away. We need somewhere that they won't suspect, otherwise they'll keep coming back and picking us off."

"I don't want anyone else hurt," Derek felt dizzy.

"I know, I think we should go to Mercy West."

"But the merger that's supposed to happen."

"True," Mark wrung his hands," I don't know what to do, Derek."

"I want to take Meredith home."

"She needs to relax, I'd love it if she was safe; but I can't go with you two with Owen like this."

"You treated me at home, bring him with us."

"We'll figure something out."

Christina finished filling out the last of the paperwork and promised she'd call the detectives back when Owen was conscious and coherent again. Her head pounded and she felt like a zombie, Meredith put her arm around her shoulders and squeezed.

"He looks better than Derek did," she offered.

"Wait 'til you see the incision that covers half his chest," she leaned on her friend's shoulder," when he wakes up again we have to make him cough."

"I know, I remember Derek trying to," Meredith got a grisly reminder of Derek begging her not to make him do it again. She couldn't shake the image.

"I'm not good at this, Mer," Christina shoved her hands into her coat.

"Hmmm?"

"I'm not good at the bedside comforting thing, I'm not used to seeing him any other way than strong and powerful," before she knew it she was crying," Now I have to be the strong one."

"It sucks doesn't it?" Meredith pulled her into a hug," I'll be here to help and so will Derek."

"He's still in more pain than he lets on. He's on so many drugs I'll be surprised if he isn't a junkie by the time he heals up."

"Me too," Meredith sniffled," I don't want to see him hurt though."

"Okay, pull it together," Christina pulled away," They need us."

"You too," Meredith punched her arm lightly.

Memories attacked Owen's head, both from home and overseas. He went in and out of consciousness, vaguely aware of where he was at any given moment. Mark was doing a good job of keeping him in la la land, Derek was laid out on the bed adjacent with Meredith fast asleep last he'd seen. The room was dark,' Must be the middle of the night,' he tested his fingers, they moved but slowly. I wonder how deep that bullet went, he remembered back to the last time he got shot,' That one went all the way through, but it was an FMJ .45 caliber,' he picked his head up and looked down, his chest had a strip of gauze down the center but not nearly as long as he'd imagined,' Bullet must've been small,' the thought was slightly comforting. Mark was sprawled out on the couch near him with Lexie resting on top of him. He smiled as the smell of French Vanilla caressed his nose, Christina's shampoo. She had curled herself into his side with her hand across his lap, a small snore coming from her that he thought was adorable. He ran his fingers through her hair, curly and dishelved. For the first time since the attack he felt almost normal, he glanced at the IV pole as it beeped,' That's why,' he couldn't read everything, but the numbers suggested an insane amount of pain relievers were being pumped into him. He leaned back into his pillow and sank into sleep again.

"Owen," a familiar voice was rousing him, he knew it immediately. Teddy Aldman stood over him, holding his hand," Owen, can you hear me?"

"T-teddy?"

'No, not like this,' he fought to look normal to her,' I don't want you seeing this.'

"Owen," she seemed delighted he'd spoken to her, he pushed himself back on the pillows to sit up. Immediately the room spun and he regretted it, he coughed and prayed he wouldn't throw up," I'm so glad you're all right," she helped him get as comfortable as she could," You could have called sooner," she wiped his forehead with something cool and damp.

"Mmmm'kay though," his head felt like it was being split in half.

"It's not as bad as you think," she stroked his cheek.

"Mmmmmph," he wasn't sure what he was trying to say back, but felt the need to respond.

"They did a great job on you," she spoke soft and calm, if she was worried she wasn't showing it.

"Ye-ugh," he felt like he was falling, he groped for a hand. Something, anything to let him know he was still attached to the ground.

"Thanks for coming," Christina's voice, her hand was in his cool and comforting.

"Not at all," Teddy looked at her fondly," Thank you for calling me."

This was a first, usually Teddy and Christina butted heads worse than stags during rut season. Owen pulled his knees up, it seemed to ease the tension in his chest. He fumbled with his other hand for reasons even he didn't know. Teddy found it and squeezed gently.

"You're okay," she smiled.

"The bullet recovered was a .357, still big but not big enough to do any significant damage," Christina sat near him, her legs tucked beneath her.

"He'll be up in a few days then, the last time he got shot was with a .45 caliber," Christina winced at Teddy.

"I have another round for you," he felt a pressure in his arm as Mark pushed more meds into his veins," it'll make you sleepy, but until those street drugs wear off you'll want to be as sedated as I can get you."

"Shh-" he licked his lips and tried to will his tongue to form words in consistency with his mouth," Shtreet?"

"Yeah, this dosage was more concentrated than Derek's," Mark threw away the trash," they're getting smart."

"D-rk..." he hated how sluggish he was.

"He's fine, he's at lunch with Meredith," he should be able to go home pretty soon."

"G-" he coughed painfully," good."

"Before you ask, the infection has cleared up in his chest. His leg's going to be the most difficult thing to deal with."

"Mmmmhmmm," Owen tried to make sense of what was going on around him, the room swam and his vision was fading. Whatever Mark had pushed through that IV was hitting and hitting hard.

"And he's out again," Mark smiled," I'm trying to keep him under for as long as I can."

"What street drugs?" Teddy questioned.

"Lexie has the labs, it's some bad shit."

Derek and Meredith had decided to take lunch outside, he hadn't been outside for more than a few minutes at a time for almost a month.

"Your knee's incisions should heal enough to start some aggressive therapy soon."

The thought didn't make him warm and fuzzy," Yeah," he focused on his food.

"I know," her voice dropped.

"Mer," he reached for her hand," Mark and I were talking about ways to keep those men away."

"I'm not going anywhere," Meredith set her jaw.

"I don't want you to," his shoulder stung as he leaned over," but I don't want anyone else getting hurt."

"Understandable, but..."

"I'm in no shape to fight them off and keep you safe, do you know what that feels like?" she looked surprised," I told you I'd make sure no one hurt you, when I say 'I love you' I'm not kidding, Mer." he was suddenly very tired.

"I love you too, Derek," she took another bite of her pasta.

"I still have two surgeries minimum ahead of me for my leg alone," the thought exhausted him further," I need to know you're safe."

"Mark's around."

"He can't be all the time with Owen in intensive care," Derek leaned back in his chair.

"You should get back inside and rest," she closed her box.

"It's just the Demerol," he closed his eyes and tilted his head back.

"You're still hurt, remember you're already two weeks ahead of where we thought you'd be in recovery. Don't push it."

"It's wearing off," his side burned.

"Okay, I'll get you another shot."

"Thanks," he groaned and put pressure on the healing wound.

Mark collapsed into the on-call room's bed, his body ached and he was beat. He tucked the blanket over him and put his pager and cellphone near the pillow. Lexie walked in just as he was about to close his eyes," Little Grey," he teased.

"Hey old man," she slid in next to him and pulled his shirt over his head.

"I don't think I can..."

"Good thing I don't need your lovin' at the moment then," she turned him onto his stomach and began massaging his shoulders. His body slacked and he groaned in approval.

"I needed that," he snuggled into his pillow.

"Bailey and I are watching Owen and Derek, yes I can handle it, you need some sleep," she dug her fingers in deeper as she felt the knots in his muscles loosen.

"I love you, Lexie," he whispered as he drifted asleep.

"I love you too, Mark."

Sweat glistened in his hair by the time Meredith had gotten Derek back to his room, she popped the cap on a single dose vial of liquid Morphine," I know it tastes bad."

"I'm beyond caring at this point," he let her pour the contents in his mouth and didn't even flinch at the horrid taste.

"Once it kicks in I can get you cleaned up," she ran her fingers through his hair, ignoring the dampness.

"That'd be nice," he tried to concentrate on the conversation.

"You don't need to be straining yourself like that at the moment," Meredith almost jumped at Bailey's voice," You should take your medicine and get some rest."

"But I..."

"I'll take care of Derek," she gestured to the door," Go on, Arizona is waiting on you."

"Derek?" she looked into his eyes searching for approval.

"I'm okay, Mer," he forced a smile," Momma Bailey will take care of me."

"All right," Meredith pulled her shirt up to show Derek the incision," but just so you know it's fine," she stuck her tongue out at Bailey who didn't seem phased.

"How much of that stuff did she give you?" Bailey sat in a chair next to Derek.

"It doesn't hurt as bad now."

"That's good, but I'm giving you a bit more that'll last through the next half hour."

"More?"

"You're gonna want it, I don't want you stoned but if I'm going to be okay sending you home I need to know you can at least help her take care of you."

"Home?"

"Yeah, hon you're going home," she smiled warmly.

"Owen...?"

"He's going with you once we can get him stable enough and the cocktail he was given initially wears off," she unhooked the IV cord from the port and peeled the tape off the back of his hand," Since you're going home I can either take this out and you can take pills and the occasional injection or I can move it."

"Take it out," he smiled.

"You got it," she smiled back and he relaxed," let me push this and out it comes."

He felt whatever she pushed almost instantly as it mixed with whatever else was still in his system. He winced slightly as the needle left the top of his hand, he'd never liked that site.

"Not too bad was it?" she kicked the door closed and shut the blinds.

"Comparatively?" he shook his head.

Bailey didn't waste time, before he could really think about what was happening she was helping him out of his clothes and bandages and into the shower. He couldn't withhold a blush as his boxers fell around his ankles," Oh please, Derek," she let him lean on her as he limped to the shower," Who do you think catheterized you?"

"Your bedside manner could use some work," he laughed.

"Now you know why they call me the Nazi," she pulled the curtain closed after he'd sat down.

"Miranda?" he questioned.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said firmly," if you need help let me know."

Derek took advantage and relaxed as the water rained over his body, he found that the only thing he couldn't do was raise his arm to wash his hair or his right leg," Miranda."

"You need help with your hair and leg?" she asked already knowing the answer.

"Yeah."

"You just wanna be pampered hmmm?" she laughed as she pulled the curtain back and handed him a small towel.

"What's that for?" he looked at her oddly.

"Put that across your lap."

"Oh, thanks," he hadn't been sure about her seeing intimate parts of him, even if she had before he wasn't conscious for it.

Her hands massage from his toes to his thigh, working circulation back into his leg slowly. Surprisingly it didn't hurt, although he was reminded of the recent round of meds now coursing their way through him. He leaned back and reveled in the sensation as his leg felt good for once. She finished up and moved behind him, the familiar smell of his personal shampoo almost made him forget he was still in the hospital. She was careful to miss the still-healing sutures in his forehead and at the base of his hairline on his neck. He let his head rest in her hands as she rinsed and conditioned his hair. She lightly rubbed his neck and tenderly over his healing shoulder, only when she stopped and turned off the water did he realize he'd leaned his wet hair against her shirt.

"I'm sorry I got you wet I didn't..."

"I'm not melting yet," she joked.

"True," she put a towel over his head and fluffed his hair, another around his shoulders and a third over his knees.

"Do what you can, I'll get your clothes," she stepped out.

Derek patted himself as dry as he could before Bailey came back in, she let him lean on her to stand up and secured the towel around his waist. He slid his arm into his sleeve and felt behind him for the other one," You can do it," she had her back to him in case he needed to balance on her shoulders. He grinned as he pulled it closed over his chest," Told you," she smiled," Foot up," she helped him flex his right leg into his boxers and cargo shorts," Other foot, take your time," he gripped her shoulder for support and braced for the pain. For once it didn't come, he breathed a sigh of relief as she slid his pants to mid-thigh. He bent down and pulled them over his hips," It...it didn't hurt."

"I have you on so many drugs it's almost illegal."

The thought was not comforting, he collapsed against her as he felt the room spin. He made it back to the bed with her help and collapsed, exhausted, onto the sheets. Bailey was patient and rebandaged him carefully," Those drugs will wear off soon."

"I feel like I'm gonna pass out," his vision blackened at the sides.

"Good, sleep them off," she patted his hand.

Hands around his throat, tightening and squeezing the life from him. He clawed at them to no avail, laughter echoed in his mind. The knife glimmered in the moonlight, Clark's features were distorted as he glowered over Derek,' I'm dreaming,' he was vaguely aware that this was not real, but wasn't one-hundred percent sure. He jerked and twisted trying to escape the grip, but it only tightened.

Mark wrestled Derek to get him still, he had noticed him twitching and mumbling something under his breath and pulled up some Diazepam. He fumbled in the dark for the IV cannula, a moan escaped Derek's lips. Mark was about to give up and try for his arm or thigh when Derek woke up, he gasped for air and pushed into Mark trying to push him off," Derek, it's me," Mark put his hands up and knelt next to Derek.

"Mark?" Derek looked confused for a moment, he clutched at his shoulder and a tear ran down his face," Mark..."

Mark put his arms around Derek," You're safe," he felt Derek shaking," I can give you some Diazepam to calm you down," he offered.

"It...hurts..." Derek said between clenched teeth, he lay his head against Mark's chest," M-make it...stop."

"I gotcha," Mark pushed the meds into Derek's arm and added the emergency syringe of Demerol he kept hooked onto the IV pole.

"He's back."

Mark immediately knew who Derek was talking about," I won't let him hurt you, or Meredith."

"He got Owen," Derek was crying, terrified and his body shook as muscle spasms wreaked their havoc on him.

"He's not getting me or Meredith."

"Where is she?" the shaking lessened.

"She's asleep," Mark pointed across the room. Meredith lay on a makeshift bed, sprawled with blankets strewn over her stomach and one leg.

Derek's left hand twitched in his lap helplessly," G-good."

"How long are you planning on trying to hide this from her?" Mark spoke calmly.

"H-hide?"

"The extra syringes, the double doses of painkillers you've been doping yourself with," Mark felt Derek shiver," You're going to become dependent on them if you're not careful, Derek."

"I...I already am..." tension returned to his shoulders and back.

"You need them right now, I get that; but we're gonna have to get you some help when you get better."

"D-don't..." Derek shook his head and licked his lips," Don't tell Mer."

"I won't, but you have to stop drugging yourself. With Owen down and Meredith's recent surgery I can't try and compensate for that."

"Okay."

"Try and get some sleep, you have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow."

"Th-thanks..." Derek's body began to relax again," I thought I was going home?"

"Not yet, I can't leave Owen. You just have to let us know when you're hurting for real and not just want out of here. Trust me, I want you back at home and this whole thing to be over with," Mark watched as Derek drifted and his eyes closed as he fell asleep," If I could trade places with you, I would."

* * *

Kind of short compared to other chapters, but I'm getting back into it. :) Happy reviewing


	37. Suspect

Ready for this?

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Chapter 37: Suspects

Owen opened his eyes lazily, the world was still foggy and his head hurt. Christina's hair lay across the bed, she had fallen asleep in a chair with her head on her folded arms. He smiled and reached his fingers to twirl into those curls, pain shot into his chest as his arm moved. He gasped at the unexpected sensation, his body was obviously not very happy with him. Sunlight tickled the blinds and spilled into the room, under other circumstances this would have been a good morning. He concentrated and slowed his breathing down to slow even breaths, even though they hurt he forced himself to relax. A thousand flashbacks threatened the edge of his consciousness, he swallowed and directed his attention elsewhere.

"Owen?" Christina picked her head up and rubbed her eyes.

"Mornin'," he managed.

"How're you feeling?" she pulled her hair back.

"Rough," he sat up slowly, it was just as painful as he'd remembered.

"I can get you some more..."

"M'okay," he ran a hand through his hair,' I'm on almost as much as Derek,' he thought as his stomach turned,' Such a high dose I'm nauseas,' he closed his eyes and forced himself to swallow back the feeling.

Derek curled onto his side and cradled his arm to his chest, his shoulder felt like it was dislocating. He was determined not to grab for more Morphine, sweat dripped down his chest and stomach in between the bandages. His mind raced, Clark invading his thoughts. Finally he couldn't take it any longer, he felt for the button to release more Morphine and remembered Bailey had taken out his IV the previous afternoon to give his arms a break. He silently cursed and pressed the call button, it seemed like hours before a nurse showed up.

"Mr. Shepherd?" she entered the room quietly as not to wake Meredith," What can I do for you?"

"I'm hurting," it must have shown on his face.

"Okay, I'll get you something to help with that," she was new, he didn't recognize her and he was very grateful for that. The past few days were hazy and he had thought he was getting better, this was a bitter reminder that he was healing slower than he'd have liked,' At least she's a good stick,' he thought as he felt only a slight prick in the bend of his elbow.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" her eyes were bright, she still had the enthusiasm of a newer nurse. He guessed she was fresh out of college.

"Mmmmmmph..." he wanted to ask her to help him sit up and get him out of this hellish position in bed, but words were escaping him.

"You look uncomfortable, can I help you sit up more?" she smiled warmly and it reminded him of Meredith, he managed a smile back at her and nodded.

"Okay," she moved his pillows and helped him adjust. She was patient and her touch was calm and soothing even when she touched a painful area it was like her hands were laced with Lidocaine," I'm Tessa," she talked softly while she readjusted the blanket," I'm new here, this hospital is really nice and I really like the staff."

"Y-yeah," he finally found a decent position and sank into the fluffed pillows.

"Are you still hurting?"

"Uh-uh," he shook his head as the room took on a familiar spin.

"Good, then can I check your bandages? I just came on shift and I like making sure my patients with more needs are comfortable while I change those," she didn't rush him, actually let him think about his answer and digest her question.

"Sure," he decided he liked Tessa.

"Okay, I'll go wash my hands and then take a quick look," she turned to the sink," it's my second week here and my first week on this floor," her voice was excited but not hyper," What do you do for a living Mr. Shepherd?" she asked as she came back and untied the shoulder of his gown. She started by wetting the tape with saline to help it slide off without pulling at the hair on his chest.

He couldn't help but laugh, she withdrew and looked at him puzzled. He shook his head and composed himself," I'm..." the meds were definitely working, he couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed like this before the attack without immediate regret," I'm the head of neurosurgery at this hospital."

Her eyes grew wide," Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed," I had no idea..."

"He gets a bit out of it on Morphine," Meredith kicked the door closed with the heel of her shoe," but he's harmless otherwise."

"Mer," Derek craned his neck to catch a glimpse of her, he hadn't noticed her move from the couch where she'd been sleeping.

"Don't get up," she joked as she came around and kissed him on the forehead," she's got you feeling okay?"

"Yeah," he smiled and leaned into her, nuzzling his nose on her chin.

"I'm Tessa," the nurse resumed peeling the tape away from his shoulder," I'm just taking a quick look at Mr...Dr. Shepherd's chest."

"I'll help you," Meredith washed her hands and gloved," he's a bit temperamental," she smirked at him.

Derek almost felt like his old self again, Meredith ran a hand through his hair and his world felt whole. She tossed the old dressing from his shoulder into the trash," I'm also a surgeon here," she told Tessa," this is my husband, I'm Meredith Grey."

"Oh, I didn't realize..."

"It's okay," Derek's tongue felt numb," you're doing great," the pain in his arm had reduced to a dull throb.

"I'm just trying not to hurt you," Tessa rubbed some moisturizer on the reddened areas where the tape had irritated his skin. He leaned his head out of the way as she gently massaged the muscles in his neck.

"So you're new here?" Meredith sat on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah, I was just telling Dr. Shephe..."

"Derek," he interrupted her.

"I was just telling Derek, it's my first week on this floor. I usually work in emergency rooms, but I wanted a change," she sprayed the suture site with antiseptic and started swabbing around them," I like it here, this hospital is..." Derek shuddered," you okay? Does that hurt?" he nodded," I'm sorry," she stopped.

"S'okay," he winced," it always hurts."

"I can give you..."

"I'm fine," his eyes closed," Really, I should be used to this."

"You never get used to pain," Tessa sprayed his shoulder again. She waited a few seconds before continuing, he braced and she could feel the tension in his body as he waited," Topical anesthetic," she smiled at him," Still hurt?"

"No."

"Good," she finished and dressed his shoulder, this time without the sticky tape that had left his skin raw. She wrapped an Ace Bandage around and beneath his arm and back," No more tape," she seemed pleased.

"You're good," Tessa had a feeling Meredith's praise wasn't usually given freely.

"These need to get some air before they get infected again," she started on his side.

Christina wished she could be like Meredith and Teddy, strong and put together; but truth was, she felt like a train wreck. Owen hooked up to machines that she usually loved, heart monitors, EKG leads, pulsox trapping his finger, oxygen mask over his pale lips. At least he was breathing on his own and sleeping peacefully. Condensation shadowed his mouth beneath that mask, but she took some solace in the fact that he was nowhere near as bad as Derek had been. Wide-eyed, shaking from blood loss and terrified. Owen stirred, slightly adjusting himself on the pillow. She was scared he would wake up, or not wake up.

She wasn't sure which was worse, usually she didn't see this part too often. It was the nurses who dealt with the post-ops during their recovery, his chest was a mass of gauze and tubes running in and out of the bullet hole. He'd been in and out of consciousness, Teddy had been helping her take care of him and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. She wanted to call his mother, wanted to tell her that her son was okay.

"Chrisss..." a moan worked its way from the bed next to her.

"I'm here," she put her hand on his, he squeezed. This wasn't a flashback, he was there and wanted her," Are you okay?" the sentence sounded stupid from the moment it left her mouth. Of course he wasn't, he was probly in pain or so drugged he didn't know where he was.

He pushed himself up higher on the pillow with his legs and winced, his hand went to his forehead.

"Does it hurt?" the question had left Meredith's lips a few thousand times since Derek had been attacked, it sounded foreign as if the words no longer had their original meaning.

"Nnnno," he rubbed his eyes," I missed you," he nuzzled into her.

"I'm glad you're all right," she moved his oxygen mask and kissed him, ignoring the morning breath, the coolness of his lips, the weak attempt to kiss back. His kiss was usually rough and passionate, his lips pressed hard against hers and his hand intwined in her hair.

"'Mmmm fine," he said when they broke and came up for air. Then he did something that scared her, he propped up on his elbow and sat up.

"Owen, you're still on..."

"I've survived worse," he tested his range of motion in his shoulder before pulling the blanket off his legs. He stretched his neck and dangled his legs off the bed," besides, I got shot in the shoulder," he flexed his hand.

"You got shot in the upper quad of your stomach, centimeters away from your lung!" she saw shock register on his face," you can't feel anything right now because just like Derek you're on a lot of medicines!"

Owen felt dizzy, he grabbed at his chest and grit his teeth. Maybe Christina was right, he settled back onto the pillows and pulled the tie loose from his neck and tore the fabric away from his body. He looked down and saw a mass of gauze covering the lower half of his torso, tape just beneath his nipple. His head swam as he remembered the rippling shock through his body as the bullet hit, the man's gloves, eyes, hair...

"Please, I'm no good at this," Christina had her arms around him.

"I remember," Owen shook his head as if trying to see the image more clearly.

"Remember?"

"The man, he had taken his glasses off and I remember his face. He said something during that call... "

"I'll get the police on the phone," Christina grabbed her cell.

Owen barely heard Christina's conversation with the police, he was wracking his brain to recall every detail. The man's voice, his face, beard, skin tone, anything he could remember to help them catch him and Gary Clark for what they'd done to Derek.

Fifteen minutes later the police still hadn't came, Hunt's chest burned and he understood what Derek when he described a tightness. The only comfortable position was sitting up with a slight amount of pressure on the area, he kept his hand pressed over the gauze to alleviate the pain.

"Let me get you some more..."

"No," his voice was short.

"Owen I don't want you to..."

"If I'm drugged I might not remember," he held onto consciousness," I want this fucker caught," Christina had never heard this tone of voice, if she thought about it it might have scared her. This side of him rarely came out, the side that had seen things, horrible things, killed people, taken lives. She put her hand in his and waited.

Derek had settled into the mattress, exhausted he enjoyed the company of the new nurse who didn't think he was a god and his soon-to-be-wife. The two of them seemed to be getting along quite nicely and that was rare for Meredith," How's Owen?" he invaded their conversation briefly.

"He's doing fine, last time I checked on him he was sleeping," Tessa tied up the garbage bag and set it by the door.

"Good."

"Shift changes in a little while," Tessa was writing some notes in Derek's chart," Peter will be replacing me in about half an hour, is there anything else I can get you?"

"No, I'm fine thanks," Derek smiled his old smile, Meredith melted.

"I'll leave you two and go finish up my paperwork then, if that's okay?"

"Go ahead, it's rare I get him alone," Meredith put her hand in his.

The pain was mind-numbing by the time the police officer made his way to Owen's room, sweat ran down his neck and beaded on his forehead. The police officer was the same one who had taken Derek's statement, Romero opened his notepad and sat down next to Owen's bed.

"Okay, Mr. Hunt what can you tell me about the man who attacked you?" he was much nicer this time around.

"He was tall, about six foot give or take, white male, roughly one-hundred and eighty pounds," he grit his teeth,' Almost over, then he can catch this man and Clark too,' his knuckles were white as he clenched the blanket.

"You're doing great," Romero scribbled the description," Did he say anything that would help me catch him? Notice any tattoos, piercings, moles or birth marks?"

"Clean shaved, mole on his top lip," Owen strained his memory to capture every detail he could," right side, hair was brown, blue eyes? He wore shades and I was drugged."

"Very good, I'll do my best for you. Anything else you can remember?"

Meredith ran her fingers up Derek's leg, his skin broke out in chills and tingled. He leaned into the pillow and drew a hissed breath," Mer..." her mouth was on his before he could finish whatever it was he was going to say, her lips soft but demanding, her weight shifted onto the bed next to him. He ran a hand up her shirt, he caressed the skin beneath and realized she had forgotten something when getting dressed. She slid beneath the blanket with him, her hand igniting a fire in him that the drugs had hidden for a long time. His left hand tangled in her hair as she pushed the offending fabric away, he moaned into her. His kiss tasted of heaven, no words needed, their tongues spoke their feelings for them.

She giggled as she felt his hand creep down the small of her back and pass the border of her drawstring scrubs. She helped him and untied the front, he shuddered as her hand returned to him. His fingers found their mark and he smiled as she tossed her head and bit her lip. Curtain drawn around them, Derek felt like they were in their own world. He leaned the bed back with the remote in his right hand and let her take over. He couldn't stop looking at her, her eyes, her hair, her body, this was the woman he loved. The woman he would spend the rest of his life with.

Mark sat outside between Owen and Derek's rooms on a bench, trying to stay awake. His eyes were black beneath them and his hair a mess. The detective had left a few minutes ago, he had heard Christina humming softly and Owen sniffling as he waited for the drugs to work. He wasn't as bad off as Derek and would recover fairly soon, but it didn't mean it was going to be easy.

Lexie came around the corner with a bag and sat next to him," You should eat something," she opened the bag and produced a sandwich from a deli they'd gone to on one of their first lunch dates.

"Thanks Little Grey," he knew arguing with her was futile. Besides, he was grateful for the food and if he didn't eat she'd worry.

"How're they doing?" Lexie started on her own sandwich.

"Owen's hurting, but he was able to give the detective something to go on. Apparently it was good, the guy almost ran out of here," he took a bite and chewed.

"There's a 'Do not Disturb' sign on Derek's door and the curtain is drawn inside..."

Mark laughed," Well, a man has needs."

"Oh...OH!" Lexie's face turned red thinking about her sister and Derek doing who knows what on the other side of the wall she was leaning against.

"Don't act like we don't..."

"That's my sister!" she hissed.

"What? You thought they just kissed?" he smiled and nudged her with his elbow.

"No!" she turned a darker shade of red.

The hallway busied itself, nurses ran this way and that, charts rustled, monitors beeped, drawers clicked open and shut as med-counts were done. A male nurse came towards them," Derek Shepherd and Owen Hunt?" he gestured towards the rooms on either side of Mark and Lexie.

"Yeah, that's Owen and that's Derek," Mark pointed," Shift change already?"

"Yeah, I'll be here all night. I usually pass my meds first thing so they won't lapse," he flipped through a chart.

"Well, you're going to have a rough time with that," Mark stood up.

"I'm sorry?" the man looked confused.

"Ummm, Peter," Mark checked the name tag," that's the wrong chart."

"Oh, my mistake!" Peter searched the R-charts on the cart in front of the desk and came back with the two correct ones," I'm new."

"It's okay," Mark said," Just be careful with that and take care of these two, that one's like a brother to me and the other one got into that bed by saving his life."

"I see, you must be Mark."

"Yeah, am I that well known?" Lexie felt uneasy.

Christina cradled Owen as they waited for the shift to change and the new nurse to bring him his meds. His eyes had teared up and the extra stress had triggered his PTSD, his hands shook and she prayed that Valium was on his list today. The door opened and the new nurse walked in, Owen didn't seem to notice. The man pushed some drugs into his IV one at a time, glancing at his watch to be sure they were administered in the correct amount per second. Owen's shoulders slacked and she felt tension drain from hers as well.

"Thank you," Christina mouthed as she propped a pillow for Owen to lay on," What was on the menu today?" she asked aloud.

"Demerol and Valium, I'm sorry how rude," Owen turned to look at him," I'm Peter, I'll be your nurse for the night," his eyes grew wide," if you need anything please let me know," he spun on his heel and left.

"That's him..." Owen's eyes drooped, he fought it.

"Who?" Christina asked," You've seen him around here? I don't recognize him, he must be new."

"No, that's the..." his vision blurred,' The bastard drugged me again!' he realized in horror," he did thishhh..."

"Owen?"

"Policssshhhh..." his speech slurred as the drugs kicked,' Same symptoms,' his mind raced,' How do I tell her?'

"The detective left, Owen. Just relax."

"Nooo...that'shhh him," Owen couldn't resist any longer, his eyes closed and sleep devoured him.

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Long awaited update, working on next chapter so you won't be on the cliff hanger long! Promise!


	38. Nightshift

Chapter 38: Nightshift

Mark and Lexie had curled up on the couch near Derek's bed, Meredith as fast asleep on the bed near them. Derek was beginning to fidget, the meds were lapsing and his muscles were spasming. Lexie noticed Derek's leg jumping, she got up and started rubbing his foot. He tensed under her touch at first, but relaxed as she worked on his calf," I'll let Meredith sleep, just relax," she spoke softly just like Meredith, her voice smooth and soothing. He let his eyes close, his leg still throbbed but it was getting better.

The door opened slowly, disturbing Lexie for a moment. Peter, the new nurse stepped in," Mr. Shepherd?" he called softly.

"Y-yeah," Derek cleared his throat," Come on in."

"I'm Peter, the night nurse," the man explained as he pulled a cart in behind him," I have your meds, it says on your chart I need to check your bandages too," he looked over the paperwork in front of him.

"Bailey usually does that," Derek adjusted himself on the mattress," if you don't mind I'll..."

"Of course," he closed the drawer on the cart and pulled on the top one, it didn't open. He fiddled with it and mumbled under his breath.

"There's a lock on it," Lexie explained.

"Right...I don't seem to have a key," he looked embarrassed.

"The nurses always trade off keys in between shifts," she trailed off," I'll tell you what, you're new right?" he nodded," I'll get you a set, the other nurse probly didn't think about it."

"I'd really appreciate it," he rubbed the back of his neck.

"It's no problem, I'll be right back," Lexie stepped out.

"So Mr. Shepherd, I looked over your chart," he flipped the page in the chart again," you must have had a pretty bad accident."

"I...it's just..." Derek stammered, his words hung in the air for a moment," Can I get my meds, please."

"I'm sorry, I just wondered what had happened is all."

"It's okay," he fidgeted as his leg jumped again.

"I would like to give you a once over after I give you these though, it'd make me feel better," he pulled up meds out of several vials.

"I don't mean to be a stickler, but if you don't aspirate the next one you'll get too many bubbles in the syringe," Mark stood up and stretched," Here I'll help you out, I know how first days are."

"I got it," Peter removed the needle and aspirated the vial.

"Okay, but you need a new needle now," Mark began getting annoyed," Where'd you graduate son?"

Derek's knuckles were white from gripping the bedrail, his breathing had increased and his body burned.

"I didn't mean to offend you, I'm just nervous. Not only is it my first night but I've only got one patient and he's a VIP," he set out the syringes and took Derek's hand," I mean it's not every day I get to take care of a neurosurgeon," he pushed the first syringe.

"W-wait," Derek locked eyes with Peter as he pushed the second syringe.

"Just relax Dr. Shepherd," he started on the third.

"Too fast..." Derek tried to pull away, Peter held his wrist.

"Hey, slow down," Mark approached him.

"I know what I'm doing, man."

"Those are narcotics you're pushing," Mark grabbed his shoulder, Peter turned and elbowed him in the face. Mark staggered back and caught himself on the foot of the bed," What the hell?!" he lunged for Peter.

"Stop!" Peter raised his voice, waking Meredith.

"Mark?" she said sleepily.

"Move and I'll kill him!" Peter grabbed an syringe off the table and held it to Derek's chest," this one's full of Epinephrine."

Derek gasped and froze," M-Mark..."

"Fuckin' coward," Mark snarled, but took a step back.

"I was sent here to kill him anyway, but I want him to suffer," Peter pulled a knife out of his pocket," So I'll tell you what, we're going to make a deal."

"The fuck we are..." Mark growled.

"Mark what's..." Meredith put her hand over her mouth as she realized what was going on.

"If you don't want to play I'll just put this in his chest and it'll be all over," he flicked the cover off of the needle.

"What do you want then?" Mark demanded," Even if you kill him, I won't let you get out of here alive and you know it."

"Maybe not, but if I go back and he's not dead I don't get paid," Peter laughed and shook his head," I was supposed to do this over a few days, kill him slowly. No one would notice until he was dead, I know more about this man than half the people in this hospital!"

"But you didn't know anything about healthcare," Mark pointed out.

"No, that's why I told him this wasn't a good idea; but hell I'm going to kill him anyway might as well tell you everything right? Because clearly there's no getting away from this!"

"Listen, you didn't do anything yet," Mark put his hands up," I can't tell you that you're getting off but if you tell us who you're working for..."

"Don't you fucking get it?! I want this son of a bitch dead too!"

"No you don't," Mark took a small step forward.

"Why don't I?" he glanced at Derek.

"Because Derek didn't do anything to you, I'm guessing someone hired you and because you need the money and you're desperate you felt you had to get blood on your hands to fix your problems," Mark took another small step.

Derek tried holding it in, he coughed and winced. It distracted the man only for a moment before he had turned back to face Mark. His chest burned, his meds had lapsed and his body knew it. His forehead beaded with sweat, he almost didn't even feel scared of the needle in front of his chest as his mind flashed back to the attack. Cold chills ran up his spine as the realization that an Epi-pen wouldn't kill him instantly came to mind. His breathing came in short shallow gasps as he tried to stabilize himself. His vision was beginning to fade at the edges, whatever drugs the man had managed to get in him were working. His throat felt closed and it was becoming increasingly hard to catch his breath.

The door burst open and police entered with Lexie on their heels. The man looked from Mark to them, Mark saw him take a few seconds to weigh his options. The officer pulled his gun on Peter.

"Stop!" Mark yelled," Don't shoot, he hasn't done anything!"

"Freeze! Hands in the air!" the officer shouted.

"Don't!" Mark saw a flash in Peter's eyes.

Derek noticed the commotion and felt himself slipping, his chin sank into his shoulder and his sight faded. He tried staying awake, he looked at Meredith who was frozen in fear and crying. His mind wandered as he tried to calm his breathing.

==FLASHBACK==

Prom night. They each had dates. Derek with Addison, Meredith with Finn. They locked eyes, the longing stare between them was lonely and harsh. She looked away first, he excused himself from Addison. Some random bullshit excuse about checking on a patient, anything to get him away so he could see her again. Meredith was running down the hallway, away from him as always.

"Meredith!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Meredith!"

"No," she retreated into an exam room and shut the door almost on his hand as he followed," Leave me alone!"

"I just wanted to make sure you were all right," it sounded weak even to him.

"No! I'm not all right! Okay?! I'm not all right!" she yelled at him," Are you satisfied? I'm not all right, because you have a wife and you call me a whore! And our dog died and our dog died! And you're looking at me!" she paused," Stop looking at me," she growled at him.

"I'm not looking at you," he closed his eyes and shifted his gaze downward," Okay, I am not looking at you!"

"You are looking at me, and you watch me and Finn has plans and I like Finn he's perfect for me! I'm really trying here to be happy and I can't breathe, I can't breathe so just stop!"

"You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife?! I have responsibilities! She doesn't drive me crazy, she doesn't make it impossible for me to think, she doesn't make me sick to my stomach to think about my veterinarian touching her with his hands!" he let the anger flow," I would give anything to stop looking at you!"

She had her back to him, she turned and he couldn't stop himself. He grabbed her and kissed her deep, pushing her back onto the exam table. Her dress bunched in his hands as he slid it up and slid off what was beneath, all that separated their bodies. She pushed his jacket off his shoulders and he let it fall to the floor. Her hands had his belt off and he was free, they paused and locked eyes again as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Both let out a sigh and a smile as they connected.

He loved her, he couldn't help it, he couldn't stop it, he didn't want to...

==END FLASHBACK==

The yelling had gotten louder, some voices he recognized others he didn't. Meredith had gotten blurry while his mind had taken a vacation," I love you," he whispered to her, she nodded and choked on her words. He knew. His eyes closed for a brief moment, then a sharp stab and an explosion in his chest. He couldn't scream, his body jerked upright and his mouth opened but no sound came out. He coughed violently as he tried to suck air into his lungs, but he couldn't get enough. He looked down to see what had happened. A hypodermic needle was embedded into his chest as far as it'd go, the end sticking straight out and the plunger pushed all the way in.

The policemen hadn't lowered their guns, they didn't have time. Mark lunged and tried to stop Peter before he pushed the plunger on that syringe and couldn't close the distance fast enough. Meredith screamed, time seemed to slow down. Derek's body jerked upright and he gasped for air, sweat poured from his temples and had slicked his hair.

"Lexie get me some Labetalol, hurry!" Mark pushed Peter away from Derek. The police officers grabbed him and wrestled him to the ground, cuffing him and dragging him from the room," Shit Derek," Mark pushed him back onto the blankets," stay with me!" Derek's eyes were wild, his pupils dangerously close to being blown.

"You've gone through too much," Mark slapped his cheek," Don't give up on me, fight it!"

Derek started to convulse, Mark turned him to his side and held his head," Breathe Derek, you're gonna be okay," he didn't believe a word of that for a minute. Derek couldn't stop shaking, his head felt like it was splitting and his heart pounded in his ears. His stomach heaved, he vomited on Mark's pant leg it burned his already raw throat. He coughed after the first wave, small drops of blood spattered the floor and Mark.

His stomach wretched again as Lexie ran back in," I pulled it already and Bailey's spiking an IV bag," she moved in next to Mark. Derek saw her shoes step in the dinner he'd had only two hours before, shame now mixed with the nausea. Another sharp stab, this one to his shoulder. He screamed as he realized his weight was on the shoulder he'd had surgery on and Lexie was kneeling on his thigh. His body was suddenly hypersensitive, he felt every scratch and suture all at once.

Lexie moved off of him and Mark turned him onto his back," Derek!" he yelled at his friend," Derek!"

"Mmmph..." he tried to respond. The drugs clashed inside him, his throat felt like it was closing and he still couldn't breathe. He wheezed as he tried to suck in enough air to tell Mark what was wrong.

"Can you breathe?" Mark shook him lightly as he saw Derek's lips turning blue," Lexie what vials are out on the table? What did Peter give him?"

"Demerol, Prontosil, Diazepam..."

"Prontosil?!" Mark looked back at her," Are you sure?!"

"Yeah, it's on its side I mean there's no way to know exactly..."

"He's allergic to Sulpha drugs," Mark clicked the head of the bed all the way back," that's why you can't breathe," he spoke as calmly as he could. Derek's eyes were drifting upwards," Don't," Mark slapped his cheek, rousing him," Lexie get me the crash cart fully loaded."

"Gotcha," she rushed out of the room.

"Derek, I need you to stay awake," Mark rubbed Derek's face with his thumb. His skin was clammy and slick with sweat," Derek!" the Pulsox monitor plummeted," Shit!" Derek choked and tried pushing Mark away, terrified and convinced if he could just sit up he could breathe. Mark held him down," Derek stop, don't use more energy, I'm gonna fix it."

"I've got respiratory on their way," Lexie pulled on a pair of gloves and popped open an intubation kit," they won't get here in time, we've gotta do this."

Mark grabbed the small pillow Derek usually used to keep his neck supported and shoved it between his shoulder and the bed. He didn't bother wasting time with gloves, Derek convulsed again and his stomach heaved. Mark pushed his head to the side, his mouth opened but nothing came out," Tube him before he aspirates," Lexie pushed Mark's hands out of the way," Hold him still," she pressed on his jawline hard enough to leave a nice-sized bruise, the muscle released and his mouth opened. She put two fingers on his chin to keep it that way and put a speculum that looked like a shoe horn down his throat. Air filled his lungs and he coughed, she held the metal against his jaw forcing his tongue down.

"What're you doing?" Mark was scared.

"Letting him vomit before I put a tube in, I don't want him fighting this," she turned his head again and pushed the speculum in further.

A convulsion hit him so hard his entire body jerked as his stomach emptied what was left in it onto Lexie, blood mixed with the emises and he felt dizzy," Finished?" Lexie didn't give him time to respond, not that he could, before resituating the pillow between his shoulder blades. She crawled onto the bed and put his head between her knees, forcing him to be still. He put his hand up to try and stop her, Mark took it and pushed the other onto the bed firmly.

"Can you breathe?" Mark asked, he could feel the intubation tube on his lip. He gasped and tried to take in air," Relax Derek, if you can breathe we don't have to..."

"Mark there's a piece of metal holding his airway open, don't traumatize him anymore," Lexie slid the tubing down his throat feeling for his lungs instead of his stomach. She closed her eyes as she navigated his body until she was sure she had the right placement.

His throat was raw and even though the tubing was pre-lubricated out of the package it felt too big and like it was made of sandpaper. He tried not to fight her or Mark as the feeling of suffocation grew, all at once he could breathe. His sight blurred as the oxygen high hit his brain, Lexie and Mark moved off of him slowly.

"What happens if he throws up again?" Mark was asking Lexie.

"I used the smallest tube I could find, it doesn't obstruct his throat entirely. I was planning to sedate him and see about pumping his stomach so he wouldn't aspirate," she was sweating and breathing heavily but still calm and collected.

Derek's teeth hit the plastic as the metal slid out of his mouth, he gave her a scared look when she mentioned pumping his stomach.

"You'll be sedated, Derek," she pulled her gloves off," besides the IV of Lebatolol should help with that, I'll give you a shot of Promethazine too. It'll stop the nausea," she had already started drawing the medicine off of the crash cart," Little pinch," Lexie rubbed the surface of his skin just like Meredith did before she'd given him an injection. He barely felt it, a stifled moan escaped his lips even around the tube. His eyes rolled and suddenly he was falling, he fought to stay conscious.

"It's okay," Lexie petted his hair," sleep so you don't feel this," his eyes darted to the side of the room where he'd seen Meredith," she's fine. Meredith?"

"Derek," Meredith wiped his forehead with a cloth, he blinked back at her. Mark taped the tubing to his chin," I'm okay," her voice was timid and still scared, he nodded.

"We'll fix this up for you," Lexie pushed the sedative in the IV port," I can't give you much because of the shock your body's just been through so make it count," his eyelids fluttered but didn't close.

Derek's body still shook from the aftermath, even after Lexie had given him all she could without anesthetizing him completely. Meredith held his hand, his grip was lax and his lips hadn't regained their full color. She sniffled softly and squeezed his hand," Thank you," she whispered to Lexie and Mark.

"Derek, she's all right," Lexie wiped his forehead around the still-healing gash, he winced.

He tried to speak and blood trickled from his mouth instead," Why's..." Mark started.

"The speculum cut his tongue and lip when I pressed it against his teeth," Lexie popped the needle off a syringe and filled it with saline," Once I rinse his mouth I'll put some Lidocaine on it for him."

Derek felt the drugs take hold of him, he couldn't hold his eyes open any longer. Meredith kissed his forehead as he went to sleep with an 'I love you' on her lips.


	39. Reactions

Chapter 39: Reactions

Derek's eyes opened slowly, his naked skin broke out in goosebumps as he came to. Lexie and Mark were standing over him, the cool air did feel good on his numerous suture sites though. He lifted his head suddenly realizing he might be fully exposed in front of his soon-to-be sister-in-law, regretting it afterwards when the room spun and his head throbbed.

"He's awake," Mark was working on his side, although he could barely feel it. No complaints.

Derek tried to speak and was reminded there was a plastic tube in his mouth, he bit into it and shuddered," It's okay, we're almost finished here," Lexie's voice was soothing. A nurse was forcing air into his lungs through a bag near his head.

"They got him," Mark answered Derek's question before he could try to ask it," they're questioning him about Clark, apparently he's related to him."

Mark got to Derek's shoulder, he sprayed the area and began swabbing around the stitches. Derek's back arched, he bit the tubing so hard it hurt his jaw," I'm sorry," Mark consoled him," I'm trying not to hurt you," Derek's vision blurred.

"Stay with us, Derek," Lexie patted his face," You're having a pretty bad allergic reaction to those sulpha-drugs. We're just taking some precautions and cleaning your surgery sites."

Derek's body felt numb and weightless, he wasn't sure whether he should be glad or worried. He could feel that Lexie and Mark were taking care of the numerous lacerations all over his body, he couldn't hear what they were saying and that scared him.

"Derek," Meredith's voice in his ear," does it hurt?"

He tried to lick his lips and couldn't, at first he panicked before he remembered,' Oh yeah, there's a tube so I can breathe,' he didn't know how to answer her, he wasn't even sure what he was feeling.

==FLASHBACK==

She'd felt so good, her skin soft and warm against his chest. He couldn't stop, he didn't want to, her breath hot on his shoulder gasping and telling him not to stop. His fingers dug into her hips as he pulled her onto him, she bit his neck to keep from screaming. He was close, he didn't want it to end. He was sure she'd draw blood from his back at this rate, but he didn't care. Even if someone walked in on them he didn't think he could stop, she leaned back so she could look into his eyes. He slowed down and enjoyed the feeling, her dress bunched around her waist, her hair frizzed up from where he'd grabbed handfuls of it, before pushing into her roughly. She moaned and threw hr head back. He couldn't hold off any longer, he collapsed on top of her as both of them reveled in the other's bliss.

Panting, he reluctantly pulled away from her. He couldn't look at her, he loved her and he knew it was wrong. He didn't want to hurt her and he had, tears welled in his eyes as he got dressed. He heard her sniffling on his way out of the room, it took all the willpower he had not to turn around and look back at her.

==END FLASHBACK==

"Can we do anything to make him more comfortable?" Meredith was petting his hair.

"He's on everything I can give him," Lexie started unwrapping his leg, he jolted beneath her touch," I know, I'm sorry," she unravelled the gauze but left the dressing on. Derek nodded to her since he couldn't speak properly. Lexie peeled up one corner of the dressing," Ready?" Derek braced, she slowly pulled it up from the corner. Derek squirmed, his eyes clenched shut and his teeth ground and he almost didn't care that he couldn't breathe. His eyes rolled and he welcomed the darkness.

Owen moved restlessly, mumbling beneath his breath. Christina was sure he was having another nightmare, she took his hand and spoke softly. His eyes snapped open and he jolted upright," Derek!" he grabbed his chest and bit his lip.

"Owen, he's fine," Christina held him.

"No, that nurse..." Owen fought what drugs were left in his system," he's the man who..." he growled as pain spread through him," he attacked me."

"Peter?"

"Yeah," he held onto reality, he couldn't let himself pass out now. He pushed the blanket away and before Christina could stop him his feet hit the floor.

"Owen!" she ran to the other side of the bed where he was pulling a robe from the closet.

"Christina he's gonna," he choked on a scream that tried to force its way out of his mouth," kill him," he unhooked the IV port and staggered to the door.

Christina could see there was no stopping him, she put his arm over her shoulder. He made a small yelping sound that she was supposed to ignore as they started to the adjacent room.

Mark and Lexie finally got Derek back into his room, he was still unconscious but his body spasmed and shook," We need to get cleaned up ourselves," Lexie tore the paper scrubs she'd donned off and threw them into the biohazard bin," Your cheek is swelling and so is your lip."

"Bastard hit me and I..." Mark touched his cheek.

"You saved Derek's life," Lexie pulled her top off and bagged it," Get out of those scrubs, we'll use the shower in here," she pointed to the bathroom.

Mark stepped out of his pants, it wasn't the first time he'd had Derek's blood on him. He prayed it would be the last, they crunched as they hit the floor. He turned on the hot water and stepped inside, Lexie followed. Blood swirled around the drain both from Mark's face and what was left from Derek. The two soaped up and got out quickly, Mark dried off and pulled a towel around his waist. He peeked through the crack in the door," Meredith, can you get us some scrubs?"

"Sure," Meredith let Derek's hand go.

"Thanks, two sets please. A large and a small," Mark let the door click closed and leaned his head against the wall. He felt water running down his face and wiped it away.

"Your cheek is bleeding," Lexie wiped his face gently," I'll take care of this when we get dressed," You're going to have a black eye."

"And he's back at square one," he nodded towards the door.

Lexie didn't know what to say, Meredith opened the door just wide enough to push clothes through. Once they were dressed Lexie started cleaning the abrasion on Mark's cheek and at the corner of his mouth. The door swung open, Mark jumped causing Lexie to poke his face with the irrigation syringe she was using to wash out the wound. He grunted and turned to face the door, Owen gripped the rail on the wall and, with the help of Christina, staggered into the room.

"Holy shit!" Mark got to his feet and picked Owen up, he set him on the couch," What the fuck is he doing out of bed?"

"He recognized the nurse, Peter," Christina closed the door and looked around nervously," It's the guy who attacked him and..."

"Yeah, we figured that out," Mark was checking Owen's chest," He came in here and tried to kill Derek, he popped Derek with sedatives and a syringe filled with Epi before we got him out of here."

"Jesus," Owen panted, his chest burned where Mark was touching and he resisted the urge to swat his hands away.

"First he gave Derek some Sulpha-drugs, said he was planning to kill him slowly over a few days. Make him suffer, then we figured him out. Lexie and I intubated to keep him from suffocating, his throat was almost totally closed and he couldn't breathe. He's been in and out for awhile, we cleaned him up, changed his dressings and Callie's coming by later on to check his leg."

"He got him?" Owen sounded drunk.

"He's fine," Mark held his shoulders as he tried to get up," Lexie get me something for him."

"Okay," rustling behind him.

"If you keep this up you're going to rip right through those sutures," Mark rolled up his sleeve, Lexie pushed the sedative in his IV port.

"Intub..." Owen's eyes rolled up and his body went slack.

"Yes, he's unconscious but he's okay."

Christina sank into the couch next to Owen," What the hell are we going to do?"

Richard knocked on the open door before stepping inside with Bailey hot on his heels," How is he?"

"Sleeping," Mark ran a hand through his hair.

"Derek?" Bailey approached him, he stirred a bit.

"His sisters and mother are on their way again," Richard didn't sound happy about this," I tried telling them he was fine and we have him comfortable; but they're never going to believe me after this."

"Nancy's going to have a fit," Christina mumbled.

"Addison is back in town as well."

"Shit," Mark cursed.

"When do they get here?" Meredith groaned.

"Amelia and Nancy should be here any minute, his mother is on a plane and Addison's coming tomorrow," Bailey patted his bicep.

"It's not like we can keep his family away from him," Meredith sighed," I wouldn't want to..."

"I want my gun," Owen broke the silence.

"What?" Richard wanted to be sure he'd heard him right.

"I want...my gun," Owen repeated.

"Owen if you think that's..."

"Then give it...to Mark," he inhaled sharply.

"I have a concealed carry license," Mark shrugged," I could put it in the back of my scrub pants and no one would see it. Hell, I could bring mine from home instead."

"These men," Owen winced when he spoke," they're dangerous, and they're not going to stop," he coughed and couldn't stifle a groan," until he's dead."

"It'd be best if his family didn't know about this," Richard straightened his lab coat," In fact, I don't want to know about this," he turned to leave," I have...paperwork."

"I'll take the fall if I have to shoot the bastards," Mark stretched his neck.

"Derek?" Amelia timidly entered the room.

"Come on in, honey," Mark got up and hugged her.

"How's my brother?" Amelia started towards the bed.

"He's asleep."

"Why is he...? Did something happen?" her voice shook.

"What did you manage to screw up this time?" Nancy's heels clicked on the tiles as she came in, bringing a tension into the room that was palpable.

"Derek..." Amelia took his hand, he stirred slightly.

"What the hell?!" Nancy saw the tube taped to his chin and stalked over to him.

Mark explained to a very worried Amelia and a very angry Nancy," So that's there to keep him from going into anaphylactic shock and suffocating. I'm hoping we can take it out tomorrow; but it depends on how the reaction is with those drugs."

"I should never have left..." Amelia covered her mouth with her hand, tears rolled down her face," he looks..."

"Terrible," Nancy finished her sentence for her," he looks absolutely terrible. His face is sunken in, his muscles have deteriorated, his hair's a mess, he's unconscious and has a God damned tube down his throat that's not even connected to anything, don't you think they're going to get tired of pumping air in him?" she looked over at Mark and Lexie, who were steadily breathing for him.

"They did the best they could," Owen leaned into Christina.

"They did fine," Amelia sat next to Derek and reached out to touch his face, her hand lingered as she hesitated.

"Go ahead," Meredith gestured," he won't break, and he can't feel it anyway."

Amelia slid her arm behind his head and pulled Derek into her, she cried into a tissue over his shoulder and ran her hands through his hair. Meredith hugged her, Nancy stood back and sulked.

==FLASHBACK==

He turned just in time to catch her, Amelia leapt into his arms almost knocking him over," Derek!" she squealed.

"What? What?" he smiled as she threw her arms around his neck," What is it Amy?"

"I got in!" she cheered.

"You got in? Where?"

"Med school!" she pointed to the paper.

He read over it, his smile getting bigger by the second," Way to go!" he picked her up and spun around.

"I can be a surgeon just like you!" her eyes lit up, all she ever wanted was to make him proud of her.

"It's a lot of work," he turned serious," but I'm here for you," he smiled mischievously and put his arm around her shoulders," Let's go celebrate!"

He'd taken her to her favorite restaurant and let her order whatever she wanted. It was a date for just the two of them, even though he was in med school himself and didn't have too much free time on his hands. It was one of her most precious memories, alone with her brother for the first time in years since he'd started medical school and he was smiling. She'd made him proud...

==END FLASHBACK==

Derek felt himself being moved, someone was holding him. Crying and holding him, he tried to shake himself awake. The figure was comforting and familiar but not Meredith. He nuzzled into it and put his around its waist.

"Derek?" Amelia leaned him back a bit, his eyes were barely open. He looked groggy and completely pitiful, but he was awake.

His throat was raw and felt entirely too small, his teeth met an uncomfortable resistance as he tried to push whatever was in his mouth out. His tongue couldn't reach his lips to lick them and sate the dry burn, the face was becoming clearer. His eyes widened when he realized it was Amelia," Derek!" she smiled at him. His heart melted, Amy's face was twisted with worry but she was still smiling at him. He glanced around, Mark and Lexie were taking turns pumping oxygen into his chest with an ambu bag that he didn't remember them using. The last few hours were a blur and parts of it were missing.

"I'm so glad to see you again," she took his hand," I was going to catch a plane tomorrow in fact, but I..." a tear rolled down her cheek," I..."

His chest hurt, not just from the tube or the air being forced into it; but he'd made his sister cry, worry. He felt for her hand beneath the blankets and squeezed it, trying to reassure her. The movement shifted his weight a bit and his teeth grit against the plastic between them.

"I know it's uncomfortable," Mark leaned into his vision," but it's precautionary just in case your throat closes," Mark felt like he should explain himself even though it was absurd to think a neurosurgeon didn't know what was happening or why," Respiratory's getting a ventilator to help but it won't do all the work for you."

He gave a slight nod, he wanted to tell Mark and Lexie to stop. To take it out or sedate him, either would be fine. He wasn't one-hundred percent sure he could breathe without it; but he'd try dammit. Amelia was comforting, he hated her seeing him like this but having her there was better than not. She ran her fingers through his hair like Meredith did when he woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream.

Respiratory entered with a ventilator, Derek was suddenly very aware of how many people were in the room. He blushed and tried to move, his chest burned like he'd been stabbed again and he almost blacked out. Amelia rubbed his arm," It's okay," she tried to comfort him.

'Meredith...' he called for her with his thoughts, searching the room for her. He started to panic when she wasn't there,' Did he get to her?!' respiratory was setting up, this was almost the worst part of the procedure. The waiting, knowing it would hurt until they'd adjusted for his lung capacity, waiting and not being able to brace for it and simply lying there helpless. Amy got up and put a pillow beneath his neck, he fought to stay up until someone on the team pushed his head back at his chin. He struggled against them and choked, his stomach wretched and threatened him. The hand held firm at his jawline, white noise filled his ears and he felt the room spin,' Don't let Nancy see this,' his hand groped the sheets as the head of the bed lowered, he wasn't getting enough air and he couldn't even tell them.

"He's freaking out," the leader of the team who was holding Derek's head still turned," Where's his wife?"

"Talking to the police," Lexie answered from across the room.

"Anyone that will calm him down at this point!" Derek's body spasmed," he's going to pass out at this rate."

'No, get Nancy out of here!' his thoughts screamed,' Not like this...' the room darkened.

"I got him," Bailey pushed the therapist out of the way," although passing out at this point wouldn't be so bad would it honey?" she brushed her hand across his face," Derek," she spoke softly and slowly," Meredith is outside, she's talking to the police and she's fine," he stopped struggling," not a scratch on her, but you know if we don't do this you could die," his eyes closed tight and he shook his head," Stop it, Derek," she put the ambu bag on her thigh and pushed on it with her elbow," About a minute and then they'll leave you alone, I'll get you some more meds and make it stop," he looked at her, hopeful," Promise," she winked at him.

He was dizzy and scared, but Bailey was reassuring and Meredith was all right. He let her push breath into him and didn't fight," I'm runnin' this thing now," Bailey looked behind her," That make you feel better?" she pushed a lock of his hair away from his face. He nodded, if anyone knew what they were doing it was Bailey," Okay, few deep breaths for me and I'll make this quick."

Meredith felt like she was drowning in paperwork, the police wanted every detail and she knew it was crucial to finding the monster who'd tried to kill her husband; but all she wanted to do was be with Derek. She'd seen respiratory go in and knew they'd be hooking up a ventilator in case he stopped breathing, measuring his lung capacity and figuring out just how bad off the allergic reaction was. His fingers had started to swell the minute they'd intubated, his eyes bloodshot and she'd seen a few hives develop on his forearm. Christina was with her, arm around her and simply being there. Comforting and supportive.

Once the officers were finished she turned and went back to Derek, Bailey was holding his hand and the respiratory team was packing up. He lay motionless, the whir of the ventilator helping him breathe sounded like thunder in her ears. His eyes were closed, probably due to the drugs Bailey had given him.

She sat on the couch and tried to take in what all had happened, Christina had gone back to Owen and Lexie was with Mark outside giving their versions of the story with Richard. She put her hand on top of Derek's, his fingers moved weakly and twined with hers. She kissed the back of his hand and lay her cheek against it, his fingers were still swollen and a Pulsox held one of them hostage; but it was her Derek and he made it through.


End file.
